Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 2,376
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 2,376
Hi Jim,

Sound like you and I are both starting to think we may be looking at what our S are saying and getting to optimistic. If you get a chance stop by my thread where I updated the time at the Cape. He says that he has no feelings then we have a great time. I am reading Dr. Dobson's book on Love Must Hurt. It has given me some great insights. You may want to get it.

I think the trip to Holland is probably a good idea. She will miss all of you. And it will give you time with the kids. I don't have kids. H has a son 23 who is engaged. He's very supportive of both of us through this. He is actually very religious and he's having a hard time with it morally. (He doesn't know about EA and OW). I really don't believe that's an issue any longer.

Like me you can't believe everything they say. As for custody I think you'll do okay.

I have just started to listen to my H when he talks about D. In the past I ignored it. I found that by respecting that he needs to talk about this I am giving him validation.

Everything I read indicates that he is a classic. I only hope that he will continue to be textbook and come back.

Like you I miss him and want this to be over with. I am trying to have a PMA. We will be together for the week although I made a lot of plans for the evenings. We'll go back to the Cape for the holidy weekend. He is coming to a memorial service for my cousin in Quincy on Saturday at 4. I didn't expect that.

I'll be around all week so I'll check in.

Keep your chin up. You're doing great.

Dotto

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 939
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 939
Hi dotto,

Welcome back

Sounds like it has been an uneventful, yet at the same time eventful week for both of us (does that make sense ).

I'll check out your thread and give myself a bump

Be in touch!

Jim

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 2,376
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 2,376
Hi Jim,

Hope today was an okay day for you. Thnaks for the post on my thread. Just had a strange night. H called me today to see what we were doing tonight. He hasn't cared in months. I followed him to drop car off to son. 25 mile drive. On the way back he suggested we stop for ice cream. We talked about the upcoming weekend at the Cape. I can't figure him out. He is very curious about me being on the computer. I usually wait until he goes to bed but I figured I'd do a 180 a come down now. Spoke to a friend and he told me H told him a couple of weeks ago I am trying too hard. I have always been very agreeable and accomodating so I won't stop now. WHat do you think? We have C tomorrow. I think he will announce he's moving out. Little does he know it was my idea. He needs to feel he's in control. He's the boss at work and I was always very strong so maybe I need to let him think he's the boss here. But it irks me. Any Thoughts about asking him to leave?

Keep in touch. We're doing okay. Keep up the good work.

Dotto

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 939
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 939
Hey Dotto,

Fairly uneventful day for me. Spoke to my BIL in Holland. He and my SIL as very supportive and objective. He believes my W is saying a lot (of nonsense) as sort of an exhaustive search to figure things out. She still has this feeling that by striking out on her own, and dragging the kids along with her, her life will be better. He agrees, as does my FIL, that that's pretty absurd. She is going to Holland in the fall and everyone hopes she will find some answers.

Other than that, I've opened myself to her. I guess that means my LRT is complete. It accomplished for me what I had hoped. I feel pretty good about myself and it's clear how I will react to whatever she decides to do. Her mood is more steady now with the anti-depressant, but she still speaks out spontaneously, where I am unprepared to respond the way I'd like. I told her I wanted to continue the serious dialogue we started over the weekend. But tonight, as last night, we put the kids to bed and she immediately went to bed as well (9:00 or so). Fine with me but I wouldn't mind demonstrating to her me newfound listening skills

So a day at a time. Sometimes I think I see baby steps but then she says outrageous things. Sometimes I really think she is trying to provoke me, which will justify in her mind I am a terrible person. Today's comment of the day was "Don't you feel excited that something new is going to happen in your life?" (implying we split up, meet new people, etc.). I simply replied "No!". That was the extent of our serious dialogue today.

Anyways...about you sitch.

In reply to:

I have always been very agreeable and accomodating so I won't stop now. WHat do you think?




Well, I'm going to be brutally honest. Maybe part of your 180 should be to NOT be so agreeable and accomodating. I am not saying be unreasonable, but maybe decide what's important to you and stand up for it. I have been overly accomodating my entire M. With my LRT I figured out that if a D comes there are certain things I will not accept. She calls me stubborn (then later calls me timid and unmanly...go figure?). You say your H is a controller. Well maybe stop letting him control you. Let him know clearly what you will and will not accept. If he gets angry, fine!. Then as Michelle says "Monitor results".

In reply to:

He's the boss at work and I was always very strong so maybe I need to let him think he's the boss here. But it irks me. Any Thoughts about asking him to leave?





Why let him think he's the boss here? Why do either one of you need to be the boss? A M is a partnership. Is he being the boss, or you being the boss what you want?

And finally, ask him to leave only if that's what you want. If you don't want him to leave don't ask him to. But whatever you do, DO NOT plead for him to stay.

Well it's late. Thanks friend I hope tomorrow is not so strange. At least things are not dull!

Regards!

Jim

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 2,376
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 2,376
Hi Jim,

I know that you're right. I have to be me for me but it's hard when you want someone so badly. I think I'll sign up for an adult ed class or something. It will at least fill one evening. I have great family and friends so I'll get support. It's just so scary.

I'm glad to hear IL's are aware of what W is doing. I think that the trip will be good for her. She may see that she doesn't want to go back there.

As for her comment of the day remember "don't believe much of what they say", I have printed that section out and read it 100 times. Sooner or later it will sink in.

I hope today is a good one for you.

Dotto

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 939
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 939
Dotto,

Just bounced here from your thread.

I hope you're right that my W figures things out, for the better, when she goes to Holland. Others suspect the same. I have no clue how that will turn out.

Tonight W asked about how one proceeds toward a divorce. I told her, in sort of a business-like fashion, what I knew. She asked if we should split our assets and S first. I said why do anything before her trip? That's was pretty much it with that.

Later I 'reminded' her I was open to talk serious whenever she wanted to. She said she really had nothing to say at the moment. They never said this would be easy!

I'll check in tomorrow. Thanks friend

One last things before signing off...WALKAWAY, YOU OUT THERE? I MISS YOUR WORDS OF WISDOM!! ANY THOUGHTS?

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 2,376
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 2,376
Hi Jim,

I hope today is a good day for you. As you may have seen on my thread, last week I faced the music and let H talk about D and settlement. It's almost like when you
finally face what they want to say, they don't want to pursue it so much or they at least feel you have listened to them. It seems that when you answered about the D she didn't want to talk seriously. I wouldn't tell her you're available to talk seriously again. You've said it once and she knows it, so let her approach you if she wants to talk. I bet she won't do it quickly.

If you read my thread you'll see what happened yesterday at C. I shocked him. For the past 10 days we have gotten along great. I really believe I did a true 180 this time and it's working. Then I wonder is it working or is it my imagination. Do I want to see baby steps so badly that I'm taking for granted H being polite and friendly? Why does he still want to spend the weekend at the Cape with me if he's going to a lawyer the next week? It makes no sense to me. What do you think?

As for the trip I really believe that your W will realize that the grass isn't greener. As hard as it is and as bad as the roller coaster ride is, if we get what we want in the end it's worth it.

Thanks for caring.

Dotto


Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 939
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 939
Dotto,

You're right. My W needs to talk it out. I'll answer honestly and share what I know. I won't be a barrier but nor will I bend over backwards to get answers for her (that would be insane). I did ask our company lawyer if it's possible for my W to 'take' the kids to Holland to live. He said the judge should always decide based on the best interests of the kids. If they are thriving in their schools/etc., it's not likely that could be justified. Scary stuff...god I hope it never goes that far.

I hope you're right about her trip. Time will tell.

As I said in your thread, keep up the good work! Patience and real dedication to your 180 seems to be paying off.

Be in touch and Thanks

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 2,376
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 2,376
Hi Jim,

We all need to follow our own advice. I feel that things won't come to the kids going to Holland. She'll come to her senses.

I hope I can continue what's going on. I need to remain lovingly detached. I'm wracking my brain to remember what I've done differently this past week so I can do more of the same. i guess I'm more relaxed and satisfied with me. |

Maybe that's the trick.

Thanks for your support and encouragement.

Dotto

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 939
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 939
Dotto,

Pretty amazing huh. Like they (Michele, Dr. Phil, Dr. Chapman, etc.) say, it may not feel natural at first but soon it becomes second nature.

W and I talked a little tonight. Excellent advice by the way. I don't need to remind her she can talk to me now. She knows. She said that we'll probably see the kids through this school year w/o change. Who lives where? We'll see, but it seems like she's backed away from thoughts of moving to Holland any time soon. Load off my mind! She still alluded to an eventual D, but also said that she didn't want to make any changes to the house "until WE decide to stay married OR D". Did you catch that? The 'stay married' part? I didn't ask (my LRT forbids it ...I'm not off the wagon by the way), but maybe this is the beginning of something. I WILL NOT GET MY HOPES UP!

On Friday I'm taking my S and youngest D camping to Conn. until Monday. W will stay home with my oldest D and go shopping, etc. It'll give us a little time apart.

Anyways...laundry to fold, again! It's late. I'll bounce over to your thread tomorrow.

Jim

Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard