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quote:

Should I say "So, you finally saw the card"? Absolutely not. As far as any ANY R issues go, you leave them up to her. It's her timetable.

Patience! I learned this by trial and error (as time went on, I made fewer of these errors, so there was no trial). You're doing very well. Keep it up!
Don

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Been back for two nights and not a word about a D, but then not a word about anything regarding our R. Last week custody/housing after a D was all she talked about. Anybody been through this who has some insight? Is she thinking? I think she's confused but I don't know since I can't read her mind.

I also found out via my SIL that the OM really wasn't interested in anything more than a friendship. So my W lost her "easy way out".

Anyways, uneventful day, but I suppose that isn't necessarily bad. I know...patience, patience.

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Hi folks,

Please, a little advice on my latest problem.

I have plans to take the kids (alone) to Cape Code on Sat for all of next week. Now my WAW is thinking of coming along. She is very indifferent to me right now, the place is very small, and I could use the break from her. This is odd in that she has said she wants a D (last week, now says nothing), and at times can't stand to be around me. Should I suggest she not go? And if so, how? My feelings are mixed. I always want to be with her, but only if she's the happy, pleasant person she can be. I don't want to walk on egg-shells during my vacation.

Any thoughts?

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of course she's thinking [Wink] women specialize in thinking about the M all day long.

my instincts are not to invite your W along for your planned vacation. it sounds like you need and want the time to yourself. there is definitely nothing wrong with that.

also, if you thought that her presence would create eggshells, it is not worth placing yourself in a predicament that might yield negative results.

has she invited herself, such that disinviting her would be tough? or is she just hinting that you should extend an invite?

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walkaway,

She's just 'thinking' about going now... whereas a week ago we had pretty much decided I would go alone with 2 kids, she come to swap the other on Tues. I responded "I always want to be with you, but it's fine if I go alone". Did the first part of that break a LRT rule?

But the more I thought about it, the more I realize it would probably be miserable. It's a small space, it's difficult enough in a big house. I can't figure out how she is even considering it when she says that she doesn't particularly like me, and finds the current situation unbearable. Plus I could use the break from this sitch.

We spent last weekend w/o her and although we missed her, it was a good thing because I saw a noticeable attitude change when we got home (she's still indifferent, but no longer talks about a D, custody/housing, etc.). She actually read DR up to the Steps (but didn't comment on it...I presume she's thinking about that also).

So, I'm leaning towards heeding your advice and suggesting she doesn't go, unless she feels she can enjoy herself if I'm around. Otherwise, why ruin the week for both of us, and probably the kids as well. Perhaps she could rendevous with us later in the week if she feels she can't commit to that right away.

Sound good to you?

Thanks again [Smile]

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i'd suggest she not go, but not for the reasons you describe. you suggested saying she not go "unless she can be comfy/xxx around you."

instead, i'd tell her something like "i know i said i'd love to have you stay with us this week, but i think i might have said that prematurely. i really need some time and space to myself right now. would you mind if we stuck with the original plan of kid-swapping?"

if she protests, and you want her to come, then she CAN come, but she has heard the message that you want/need time away from her, and it should minimize the eggshell effect -- and maybe give you some freedom from the small house to do things on your own.

just my 0.02 [Razz]

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walkaway,

Thanks. Awesome advice. I feel fortunate to get it from a women's perspective. Us guys are clueless (we truly are from Mars) [Wink]

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walkaway, et all ...

I spoke to W last night and said I think we should go with our original plan for the Cape. She seemed dismayed, and said that although she hasn't decided if she wants to go, if she does and is too uncomfortable then she could always go home. Seemed reasonable enough to me so I agreed. She said she may want to go to the Cape because she hadn't been there a while and needs a vacation too. Then I said so you'd go to the Cape despite me? [Big Grin] . She actually laughed at my joke. You'll get the whole report on my/our vaca after I return on the 17th. Thanks for the advice!

My next question is this...Since my wife had her breakdown last weekend, and went on Zolof (the anti-depressant), she has said nothing about anything regarding our R. I have no idea if she still wants a D, doesn't, or if she's not sure. By the way I also found out (via my SIL) that the OM really isn't the OM any longer. This may partly explain why she was so upset last weekend.

Anyways, Since it involves my future, and the kids future, I feel I have a right to know where she stands. But is that violating my LRT? Should I gently ask her where she stands or keep my mouth shut and wait for her. Any thoughts? [Confused]

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Hi Jom,

First of all I wouldn't ask about the R or D. Let it slide for a while. I see many similarities between out sitch. I am also seperated with H but in same house. Very difficult, however, we have a small cottage at the Cape. Amazingly we get along much better there than at home. It's smaller and we just seem to act better together there. Probably because of size. I say go for it this week and you can always ask her to go home if things get tough. I am leaving shortly for Cape myself. Even after terrible night last night H asked this morning if I'm going today and said he's be down tomorrow night. Mixed signals? I hope it's a baby step and maybe your is too. Try to enjoy and don't push R. I also need to practice what I preach.

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jim,

please make a vow to yourself that you will not talk about OR or D or M for at least one week after you return from vacation.

if she wants to talk about it, and wants to talk about herself, let her. listen as a good friend, show you are hearing her, but don't volunteer your own thoughts for OR or D. if she asks you directly, just tell her that your emotions fluctuate wildly and that is why you wanted some time off as well. that you aren't comfortable speaking about them right now. that you know she might be hurt that you won't dialog, but you need the space right now.

i wouldn't make any joke about "going despite me?" or any other test of her intention or actions. just let it be.

and i'd keep to your original plan of activities as much as possible when she is there. don't wait and ask what she might want to do, but tell her "the boys and i were going to xx for breakfast tomorrow, want to come?" if that is appropriate.

although you may know something is different with OM, don't do anything differently. if she comes back, it will not be in one week, it will be over a series of weeks and this time you'll be wondering if you want her. so don't rush the re-entry period (if there indeed is one) take time for YOU.

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