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Everyone,

Thanks so much for you input. I'll practice my LRT and keep my mouth shut. I imagine if it got back to my W it would definitely be over. Thanks for the education on the 3 types of manipulation. I believe I read something similar in DR . I'll have to refer back.

Thanks again...and Laurie, you especially for helping me avoid the minefield.

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LOL, grokking [Big Grin] Good book Don.

i don't believe DBing has anything to do w/any form of manipulation. And like you said, its opinion. I feel its more cause and affect or visa versa. but whatever...

Jim, actions speak louder than words w/most WAS. When H went to my parents w/what was going on, I felt he was showing me the lack of respect I had come to feel from him. So check your actions before making them.

Laurie

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Laurie,

You seem to have great insight. Is your H a WAH, or are you a WAW (which would be unusual given that virtually everyone here wants to save their M)?

To anyone, My W has contacted a D mediator, we're getting a packet, and there's been a lot of discussion on custody and housing. Last night I told her that it's her time table and I'm taking no action unless I have to (still trying to apply my LRT). We're both still at home, comfortable in that we have our separate space, and the kids are fine. I see no rush. At times she seems anxious to move on, but at other times is very hesitant. We are both determined that, if she decides a D is inevitable, to keep it as civil as possible. We hope we can do it w/o her Atty, vs. my Atty.

I need some advice on my approach. Should I sit back and just let things happen (and hope she reconsiders)? I don't want to hire an Atty to "protect my interests" because that's a slippery slope I want to avoid.
Any thoughts?

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Hi Jim -

I'm dealing with that same issue myself, 1st apt. w/ mediator later today... both want to avoid atty like you and hope this can work.

My approach, just going to go thru w/things as if seperation was mutual. Wife is very emotional now and getting signs she's having second thoughts, however i want to let her work those things out w/o pressure from me... I'll go to mediator and work out details.. but i'm always DBing, hoping to save M. In my case, worst case if W doesn't reconsider and try to work w/me, then i'll have taken care of moving on myself.

think fighing going fwd w/ mediator goes agnst the DB techniques... plus mediators often do more than leg/fin... they look for resolutions and possibility of reconcilliation... closest thing to theraphy for me since wife doesn't want M cons.

thats my 2 cents. many people have written similar to me... let your wife start the process, maybe that will show her how much shes giving up, my wife seems to act same way.. was pushing to move quickly as possible, now seems unsure...

keep db'ing and good things will happen.. thats what i tell myself so i've got to believe it [Smile]

Mike

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quote:
Is your H a WAH, or are you a WAW?
Jim, 3+ years ago I was a WAW, close to a year later, H was a WAH.

I have made choices for me, which included filing for D. Do I consider myself a WAW now? Heck no! I did the best I could and know I've made the right decisions.

We are also using a mediator for the filing. Work together b/c its mostly about compromise. I suggest sticking up for yourself for things you truly want and not walk on egg shells.

Were you able to find a mediator who is also a licensed therapist?

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jim,

let me second the opinion that you should never talk to your wife's friend about her. my H did that with 3 of my friends. only one called me to tell me -- because she felt awful about it.

her feedback was that my H was desparate to understand my leaving, but she also finally "saw" what i was talking about as he seemed to speak to her as though i were a wayward child that needed to be brought back to her senses. inadvertantly for him, it let me know that he hadn't changed.

as far as a mediator, the way it works for us, it that we use the mediator to work out an equitable agreement/compromise. the mediator does not represent either of us. the agreement is NOT BINDING. he recommends that once we have an agreement we each seek counsel to look after our own interests, hammer out any changes if necessary, and then submit that agreement to the court.

i wouldn't have any hestitancies to go forward with mediation. sometimes coming down to those decisions brings everything into sharp focus. my H is wavering now about what changes he might be willing to make in HIM now that we are talking about money and assets. i think mediation is a GOOD thing for both parties to assess whether they remain together.

Laurie,

a question for you? was your H suprised to find him a WAH? like he spent so much time trying to restore normalcy with you, that once you came back, he realized that he too, didn't want the relationship?

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quote:
was your H suprised to find him a WAH?
honestly, i don't know. he has said he buried his head in the sand. what does that mean? exactly what he said- he buried his head- no more no less.

Awalkaway- I suggest reading Nicky's thread (link posted on page 1 of this thread).

hope everyone a good w/end. Laurie

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Laurie, walkaway, et all...

Thanks for your great advice this week. I do not intend to talk to the friend about my W. Doing that could very well destroy any chance we may have to reconcile. Shows the value of this web-site [Smile]

I am taking the kids to Maine tonight (until Monday) to hang out with family. My W and I can definitely use a few days away from each other. I am sure I'll get a chance to vent, but I'll be careful what I say in front of the kids. 1st time I'll be away from her with all the kids for this long, without my W. [Frown]

She was very upset (crying) again this morning. It's frustrating in that I want so much to comfort her, give her a hug, something, but I don't dare. I only ask if there's anything I can do, which is absurd because I suspect she feels I am the problem (and to a certain extent that's true).

Laurie, walkaway...how would something like the following have impacted you? In another thread I had asked what to do about our 12th anniv (last Sunday).

If you're so inclined...please see
http://www.divorcebusting.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=9&t=000849&p=

I got great feedback to do something simple. I simply got a card, and wrote a simple 'caring' sentiment (no "I love you's, etc) with cut-out pictures of the kids glued inside. I left it in the Jean Auel book she's reading. Well, she hasn't picked up the book since Saturday, and we have not uttered a word to each other about the anniv. With time to herself this weekend, I know she'll pick up the book and see the card. Ironically, I hope timing is perfect in that we will all be gone. I hope it makes her think that what she has isn't really so bad. How would you feel?

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jim,

in my case, my H wasn't providing any attention to me, so receiving attention is a big plus. your card sounds just perfect to me.

there is a difference between giving attention and pursuing -- i think it has to do with intent. if the attention is meant to make her think, feel, act a certain way; then its pursuing.

if the attention is genuine concern by you for her and her life; it is very validating.

so, for my type of situation, where i was starved for attention, i would enjoy it if he said "i miss you. i'm going to xxxx restaurant friday nite for an early dinner. join me if you can"

(as opposed to "i can't go on like this, i need to talk to you, please meet me at xxx at 6pm and call me ASAP.")

enjoy your weekend. i think it will be a good one for you!

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Hi all,

An update on my sitch.

Went away to Maine w/the kids Fri-Mon. W home alone. Had great talks with her on phone Sat & Sun. Sat she was very upset again (crying). A friend who is an MD recommended a anti-depressant (Zoloft...anybody with experience there?) which she has been on for a couple days. SHE ACTUALLY READ DR!! Wow! I'd been trying in subtle and not so subtle ways to get her to read it for weeks. I told her that OUR concern right now is to make her 'better', our M is secondary. Her tone changed considerably. Didn't bring up S or D at all, nor did she say anything about reconciliation. I think she is really thinking very hard right now (wish I had been gone with the kids for a week [Wink] ). Got back last night and we haven't spoken seriously yet. Have no idea what she's thinking. Standing by my LRT and I don't ask. Also saw that she finally found the Anniv card I left in her book but she hasn't mentioned that either. Should I say "So, you finally saw the card"?

She is meeting with therapist now who has done nothing for her in 4 mos ("how were your parents to you?..find yourself...figure out what makes you happy...blah blah blah"). She plans to give her the ax today. But I hope she finds someone better because.

This weekend I am going to Cape Cod. We had planned that I go with 2 of the kids and she stay home with the other and come Tuesday to 'swap' 1 kid. Now she is thinking of coming for the week but we do things separately. Can't figure out how she can be so unhappy in my presence @ home then consider spending a week around me (at least at night) in a MUCH smaller place?? Again, I think she's confused.

How is everyone else doing?

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