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#54853 - 09/06/02 11:34 AM Re: Any former WAWs out there?
dotto Offline
Member

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 2376
Loc: Massachusetts
Hi Jim,

I saw you were at 99 posts and I'm honored to be 100. You have become such a good friend and source of inspiration to me. I hope I can be of some help to you.

Off to the Cape for the weekend. H coming tonight but heading home for community event tomorrow night. Will stay home to mow the lawn of Sunday. His loss, great beach/golf day. Any plans?

I'm sure the kids have a million events to attend to now that school has started. Enjoy.

I'll check in on Sunday.

Dotto

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#54854 - 09/06/02 02:19 PM Re: Any former WAWs out there?
JimFromBoston Offline
Member

Registered: 06/10/02
Posts: 939
Loc: Boston Area
Dotto,

I guess no I'm over the 100 hump. I'll start a new thread soon.

No big plans. Taking my D-5 out tomorrow for 'special time'. Former OM called (1st contact for a month I'm pretty sure) and invited my W to see his house on Sunday. She seemed very casual about it. Suprisingly, it did not bother me particularly. I am 95% convince that it fizzled out (God, I'd love to be a fly on the wall). Anyways, Sunday is the day she wants to do that. I said fine as long as she is back @ 4:00 so I can play ultimate frisbee. I had thought about going to a service at a Unitarian church (as part of my LRT) but that may have to wait until next week.

Have a great time @ the Cape.

Steph,

Thanks for stopping by. I'll drop by your thread tonight.

Eric,

Yeah...call my "Wimpy" ("I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a Hambuger today"). I'd be happy to hear more about your sitch. It sounds like there's lots we can share.

Well folks, got a busy day, gotta get off this BB. I'll check back in for a bit tonight.

Jim


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#54855 - 09/06/02 11:08 PM Re: Any former WAWs out there?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Jim,

I hope you had a good day.

Enjoy those kids this weekend


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#54856 - 09/08/02 11:46 PM Re: Any former WAWs out there?
dotto Offline
Member

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 2376
Loc: Massachusetts
Hi Jim,

Hope you enjoyed time with D. Please check out my new thread. H going to attorney on Tuesday. I just tried to get him to tell me but he was very evasive. I'm really upset. I know it's only a meeting. Maybe he'll be shocked that he has to pay me alimony and keep in the style to which I have become accostumed. (Mass. Statutes) I'll take him back for any reason.

Spent weekend with old friend. She feels he's still in love with me and trying to convinve himself he's not. She sees baby steps that I have seen. What do you think?

I wish I could talk to my BB friends.
Ii hope you're doing okay.

Talk tomorrow I hope .

Dotto

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#54857 - 09/09/02 01:44 AM Re: Any former WAWs out there?
JimFromBoston Offline
Member

Registered: 06/10/02
Posts: 939
Loc: Boston Area
Hey Dotto,

Just popped over from your thread. Hope I wasn't too hard on you over there

Not much to tell on my end. We had good weekend. W and I generally getting along very well. It's not particularly awkward for me, and I presume not for her (but who knows?). Did special time w/D-5 on Sat. She planned to go to the beach w/kids today. Asked if I wanted to go. I decided to go...it was nice...she made me a sandwich (I hadn't asked for one).

It's a little bizarre. We are doing all the things a married couple does, except show any affection or sleep together. Numerous times I have been about to rub her shoulders or something (I'm a touchy-feely kind of guy) but then I catch myself ("Oh yeah...can't do that"). She has said nothing about D, custody etc. She doesn't talk like someone contemplating divorce. Talks about pool memberships for us and kids, having tennis lessons, soccer for our D (NEXT YEAR). I can't figure it out. I told her two weeks ago I was ready to LISTEN, she hasn't taken me up on it. Perhaps she is putting it all on hold until after her trip. We'll see...I'll bide my time also.

I'll check-in tomorrow. Need to start new thread also.

Jim

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#54858 - 09/09/02 02:07 AM Re: Any former WAWs out there?
dotto Offline
Member

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 2376
Loc: Massachusetts
Jim,

No you weren't tough on me. I need to get back in gear and stop feeling sorry for myself. My PMA had been doing well and I have to remember I like me. If he doesn't it's his loss. He will have all the employees at the bank to keep him happy. That won't last too long. He hasn't figured out that they are his employees and while they may like him and want to please him they don't love him and their caring is not unconditional love. When he finds that out I hope it won't be too late. Right now he feels they give him everything he needs. It will be a lonely life for him. He feels he wants to be alone. They give him enough. Again, I know him and hopefully this will become reality very soon. That's why I need to have him leave. He has the best of everything now. Me here when he wants company or he can avoid me when he doesn't want to be around me. He went to bed tonight at 9 because I sat in the den to watch tv with him. I try to detacth and keep away but then I say, this is my home also and I won't be exiled to my bedroom like I was exiled to the Cape all summer.

Can you tell I'm angry? Maybe I needed to get a little pissed off. I make sure he doesn't see it though. That's a 180 for me. I trying to not be predictable. I know he's been taken off guard by that.

As for your W I think you did a really great thing by telling her you'd listen. You validated her feelings and it seems that' all she wanted. Glad you enjoyed the beach. Where did you go?

Check in tomorrow. Thanks for being my friend.

Dotto

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#54859 - 09/09/02 02:56 PM Re: Any former WAWs out there?
mj3423 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/22/02
Posts: 911
Loc: NY
hi Jim, would you mind checking out my thread and giving me a swift kick in the a**....

thanks

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#54860 - 09/09/02 04:44 PM Re: Any former WAWs out there?
laxguy Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/02
Posts: 159
Loc: Syracuse, NY
Hi Jim,
Thanks for stopping by and offering some advise and support. I have frequently lurked on your thread because of the WAW theme, but have not joined in and posted as of yet.

I feel that I have healed as well and I do not harbor any resentment I would like my wife to open up and allow me to really listen. I know I can do this without reacting or taking it personally. I just want to validate her feelings and move on. I do not know if she is ready to do this but I would like to let her know she can if she wants.

I have not suggested mediation as of yet even though my wife said she did not want a battle and a long legal divorce. The letter said that she had placed the attorney on retainer. I am meeting an attorney next week that is also a negotiator, she is a former judge and has a good reputation.
One problem I have here, like most on the BB, is I don&#8217;t want a divorce. How do you really slow things down and give her a chance to take time to get a handle on her own problems and emotions before we go down this path. This is especially difficult when her family and support group are saying you can&#8217;t fix this marriage and divorce is the answer. She told me the other night that everyone says we cannot save this marriage. When I asked her who she did not answer, when I asked again she said even the kids think we should get a divorce. The kids think she may not be ready and are mad at her but in the end they want us to stay together.

I am trying to focus on myself, and have made changes. I feel I really am beginning to understand my wife's hurt and it helps explain her actions and helps me detach somewhat and be prepared to go on DBing. However the ups and downs are there and sometimes I wonder if I am wasting time and energy. I guess if I properly DB, I am improving myself and that can not be a wasted effort.
Thanks for you support,
Kevin


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#54861 - 09/09/02 05:25 PM Re: Any former WAWs out there?
JimFromBoston Offline
Member

Registered: 06/10/02
Posts: 939
Loc: Boston Area
Hey Kevin,

Thanks for dropping by.

Quote:

One problem I have here, like most on the BB, is I don&#8217;t want a divorce. How do you really slow things down and give her a chance to take time to get a handle on her own problems and emotions before we go down this path.


Neither me or my W has ratained a lawyer yet so I am not the best person to give advice here. But I don't think you can (or should) do anything to slow her down. Don't bend over backwards but be cooperative. Even if she files there is that cooling off period so don't worry about it too much. Sounds like you are both agreeable to an amicable D. Note this does not mean you WANT a D, but your W knows this so reminding her will not help.

But when it's all said and done she will decide how she will move on, not you. You are definitely not wasting time and energy. You are DBing for YOU!! If a D is what transpires, you're much better prepared for your next R. If your W returns to you, you're much better prepared to have a much better, more fullfilling M, partially because of the ^(#$ you got through to get there.

I am starting a new thread (coming soon to a theatre near you). I'll keep the WAW theme. See you around.

Jim


Edited by JimFromBoston (09/09/02 05:33 PM)

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