Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 9,678
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 9,678
You had a MLC and survived??
I have 100000's of questins for you!!!!!!


There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 186
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 186
I'm a newbie at all this, so I haven't read much about it other than the boards. I got Divorce Busting b/c the store didn't have Divorce Remedy w/ the chapter about MLC, so I'll keep looking. But I am so confused about MLC.

What makes a person completely lose their mind like MLCers. I understand the whole need for youth, scared of death, wanting independence, etc., but I just don't understand how someone can turn to their loved one and say "I don't love you anymore", "I never loved you", do the most hurtful things, and be absolutely nasty to a W or H? Even if they are unhappy? I've been unhappy before but would not do these things to my H even in the worst mood? How do MLCers lose all sense of reality? Is it chemical? If so, how come there are so many MLCers of different ages? Is it a mental illness of sorts?

I'm just confused as to how and why this occurs. I can't imagine acting the way that the stages say MLCers act. Do they realize what they're doing and just don't care?

Thanks for any info!
Mags

Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
FaithandHope,

Bring 'em on! I post often in BetterDays' thread (MLC forum) to offer my insights and perspectives. I've also chronicled some of my saga in my earlier threads (Determined & Steadfast II/III) over in the Newcomers forum.


Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
FaithandHope & Others,

Here's a link to a poll that was taken by some spouses of MLCers that asks what age that the MLC monster came to visit them. It is a good reading that should give you an insight. I've posted some of my experiences in there.

Yes, MLC does end eventually. You are, unfortunately, on their timetable.


Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 9,678
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 9,678
OK, so, I have several situations going on, and I have read 6 stages of MLC, re-read DR last night and this morning, made goals for myself and as tomorrow is Monday, I am setting myself up to begin full force first thing in the morning.......
This is my question.
I have noticed that H has distanced himself so much from the family this past month.
I used to get the daily phone calls, then they started dwindling more. now it has been 4 days, no word from him at all. He has not done this before.
I already know that he spent the weekend away.
Right now our marriage is dead, non existant, adamant about divorce, nothing will ever bring him back and I had better get used to it.
We go in cycles.
Then there is the other side of him that can be sweet and caring and considerate, when he seems genuinly concerned with the welfare of the family.
I don't know if this is just another stage of MLC or a control game.
I need help in getting some answers from someone who is also going through this.




There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 9,678
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 9,678

WONKA
THANK YOU!!!!
I needed to read that again.
I am at my wits end, as I feel I keep blowing it.
I will see progress, and things seems to be moving along slowly and then he will bait me into a fight and I get into it every time, which only validates his reasons for divorcing me. Then I feel like S**T and end up apologizing for my words/actions.
(For years I never apologized for things, now I
am doing that).
No, I never ever get an apology.
I have stopped expecting one.
Should I keep apologizing when I screw up?
I am told that I do not understand him as a person, that I never knew him. I have kept him in a box and now he is finally free to be his own person. He moved 3000 miles away to look for a job, but the only postive thing is that he wants me and the kids to relocate once he has a job( He forgets he is unemployed, has 8 kids, a wife and a mortgage payment).
Sometimes he will call me out of the blue to get my opinion of something, like he wanted me to read his new resume, or hear the AD he had written, he told me he valued my opinion in that area.
I made the mistake of telling him that I missed my best friend, he blatently told me that we have never been friends, I don't know how to be a friend.
I have beautiful cards that he has written me over the years telling me how much he loves me, that I am his best friend, that he looks forward to each passing year with me, etc.
He denies ever having written those things.
When I asked him about his last month at home when we were going on dates,and hanging out and even sleeping in the same bed, he said something nasty, " I just was being a nice guy and trying to keep the peace".
I think he is lieing, but his words are so convincing.
Am I in total denial that my marriage is over or is this typical MLC behavior??
He ran into an old friend and told her that his mind was made up and that he was resolved to doing this. She said that you don't act like a man who wants a divorce, and he said I am just trying to be kind, and respectful.
The ugly words that come out of H mouth, and the things he says and does are so off the wall
One of his friends invited me out to lunch to see how i was doing. He called her up to see if I had been asking questions about him, and told her that she didn't have to talk to me if she didn't want to.
Then he accused me of harrassing her at work.
this is totally untrue! It is paranoia!
Sometimes he is hysterical on the phone, it is insane!!
He says he is absolutely resolved to a D and that is the way it is going to be, nobody will change his mind.I will probably be venting alot more on this board now that I am starting to finally "get it"
I am sorry if I drive you all nuts.
I feel bad for my kids watching this happen, they miss their Dad right now, and I know he is not going to be coming home until he is ready, if ever.
I am watching the man I love self destruct and there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him.
I do have one question though, the verbal abuse, how do I deal with that. I have set boundaries for myself, but they keep being crossed. Then I feel like his Mother because with boundaries there are consequences. I do not like being talked to like crap all of the time.
I have made the mistake of not validating his feelings, instead I have been defending myself, and this only makes him angrier and angrier. I am having a hard time with "shutting off".
The words hurt!!!
His actions hurt!!!
My kids are hurting and I am stepping up to the plate for them.
I know I am in this for the long haul, but i need to know if this is just a man gone mad or if this is really MLC!!!




There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 294
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 294
My heart goes out to you FaH.

To me it sounds like your H has issues that only he can address. It's just such a shame that he can't see it or what he is doing the those around him that love him.

Quote:

I do have one question though, the verbal abuse, how do I deal with that.




I can tell you from a verbal abusers point of view that no one deserves to be treated that way. I have done quite a bit of the verbal abusing. I wouldn't want to be treated like I have treated her.

You should not allow yourself to be treated that way. It's not good for you or anyone around you. You should do your best to make it known to him that you won't take it anymore.

I don't know your H state of mind but I know that I always felt terrible the next day. I'd resolve to stop but then I would go ahead and do it again.

I don't know if I would have stopped if my W hadn't left me but I can tell you this right now. It is an area that I am working on very intently. As a child I witnessed my father verbally and physically abusing my mother and I guess I learned to abuse it from nim.

Whether my W comes back or not, my verbal abusiveness ends here. W has taught me a very hard but valuable lesson. I will not intentionally harm my W or anybody else in the future with words. I am humbled by the whole experience and I can't imagine how much irreperable damage I have done to W self esteem.

ABM


I'm not sure I'm living better, but I am living different. My Sitch
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 9,678
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 9,678
My H believes that nobody loves him, he has justified his actions by convincing himself of this.
He does not see what he is doing to the family.
He has completely blocked us out.
The kids called him tonight, they hadn't heard from him in a few days, and he made the call very short, like 3 minutes said he had to go for dinner.
This is so sad, again, it is even sadder watching the one you love self destruct.


There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 294
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 294
Let him know that you understand.

You know FaH, it seems that all of us abusers have the same thing in common. We always think that nobody likes us and we lash out. I don't think that I have talked to one abusive person that doesn't think that the world is against them.

Well I'm going to fall into that trap anymore and since I've started to release the grip of anger, I can see that people do like me. I can see that even my W who has abandoned me, still Loves me. I just may have figured that out a bit too late.



I'm not sure I'm living better, but I am living different. My Sitch
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 509
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 509
Hi Lisa,

Wonka recommended that I come over and check out some of your posts - she said you and I are living in parallel universes! I hope I can learn from you, as I feel so frustrated with my whole sitch.

Take care,
Gibeon

Page 2 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard