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#51006 - 10/26/02 08:45 PM Re: "Going Dark" - 101
Phoenix Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/01
Posts: 1234
I love this thread. Maybe because going dark was probably one of the most important and effective things I ever did to get where I am now (which is a fabulous place tho I wouldn't call us a success story that every one is looking for). I like this and Mick and R8's Slowee Slowee Monkey story. Which I didn't see during my cursory glances.

JJ - congrats on the moderator status. Good for you. You're a great guy with such an openness about you. You are admirable. And you know...this bird doesn't toss off complements for nothing

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#51007 - 10/26/02 11:52 PM Re: "Going Dark" - 101
hurtin Offline
Member

Registered: 07/06/02
Posts: 1938
Loc: USA
Hi JJ and Pheonix,

Pheonix,I will have to find your thread and read thru
your post.I am glad to hear that you got in a nice
place by going dark.I myself have been going dark lately
and personally I am so scared that it may push my H
away further.Yet,at first when I pursued,begged etc. He
seemed to hate that too.Yet,when we do have a contact
now,which is very rare,he seems to love the hugs and kisses.
And also seems to like giving them.
I am beginning to just ramble.Anyways,I too find this
thread very interesting,thanks so much JJ.
Take care.tammy

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#51008 - 10/27/02 01:02 PM Re: "Going Dark" - 101
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
Quoting Phoenix:
I love this thread. Maybe because going dark was probably one of the most important and effective things I ever did to get where I am now (which is a fabulous place tho I wouldn't call us a success story that every one is looking for). I like this and Mick and R8's Slowee Slowee Monkey story. Which I didn't see during my cursory glances.

JJ - congrats on the moderator status. Good for you. You're a great guy with such an openness about you. You are admirable. And you know...this bird doesn't toss off complements for nothing



i love it toooo... and fee's compliments aren't cheap
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#51009 - 10/27/02 02:27 PM Re: "Going Dark" - 101
jwhetnc Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/02
Posts: 4556
Loc: NC
This thread is really good. It hits home on where I'm at right now.

I came off as controlling and smothering with my W. I have now realized that and am trying to work on it. She has moved out and says she needs time and space.

I have made it very clear to her that I want to work things out, and that I am trying to make positive changes in myself. In our last R conversation about a week ago, she was pretty much confused as to whether she wants to work things out or not. Said at times she just thinks that it is over, then she misses me when she doesn't see me or talk to me for a few days, but when she gets around me she can't stand me and wants to get away.

So, I had decided that I would just back off and leave her alone to figure things out. But, this morning I was having second thoughts...thinking, "maybe if I send her an email telling her that I believe in our M, that it can be better than it was, that things don't have to be the same as before..."

Then, I saw this thread. I realized that I don't need to send her an email, or tell her any of that. It has all been said before. There is nothing more that I can say. I realized that actions speak louder than words. I have to stand back and leave her alone while she processes everything. While doing so, I have to discover what I am doing that drives her away. I have to work on myself so that the next time we are together she has a more positive reaction.

Thanks for this great thread!

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#51010 - 10/27/02 03:08 PM Re: "Going Dark" - 101
patfrompast Offline
Member

Registered: 10/02/02
Posts: 1054
JJ,
please read my story and give me some sugestions. It seems different from all stories since it is an trans-Atlantic separation and I do not know how I can actually apply DBing.

I would be thankfull to you

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#51011 - 10/27/02 07:18 PM Re: "Going Dark" - 101
jsiena Offline
Member

Registered: 09/03/02
Posts: 665
Loc: California
I have read this thread and understand the concept of going dark. I have experienced my W running when I did anything remotely pursuing. All of this has stopped. What I would like to know is how I should go dark given my situation. My W had a EA with a high school friend who lives out of state before we were separated. We have been separated since mid-August. I believe that she has taken her affair to a physical level with the OM but can't be sure. Although we have only been separated a very short time, she filed for D two weeks ago. She seems to be in a huge rush. Is going dark the answer given this fast track? If so, does it give her the space to be with the OM? Maybe it will help her realize what an idiot this guy is. I feel that she may be hurrying it because of the OM.

Any suggestions?

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#51012 - 10/27/02 09:05 PM Re: "Going Dark" - 101
PKD Offline
Member

Registered: 09/22/02
Posts: 956
Hi JamesJohn, Couple of quick questions. Although, I understand the need to stop the chase. The problem when sharing the same bedroom makes it difficult. So far I am taking cold showers and sometimes sleeping on the couch.
Also when the fears come bubbling up: change, abandomment,
not being loved again, rejection, not being good enough, not being accepted, being alone, the big unknown. Looking for ideas to better handle these gremlins. I know that worrying doesn't help--but hard to stay on target at 4 AM.
Appreciate any ideas. PKD

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#51013 - 10/27/02 11:42 PM Re: "Going Dark" - 101
Phoenix Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/01
Posts: 1234
Tammy - I've been away for a while and I hadn't really posted much on myself before that. My last thread was Swan Song and I think my first thread was Phoenix Rising. It's a jumbled journey to say the least.

Thumbnail recap: We're mid-30s, been together one way or another 21 years (yikes!); teen son. Anyway, I was the perfect woman for a verbally abusive-destructive alcoholic dope addict. Meaning I twisted myself into knots trying to do what I thought I was supposed to do but in reality I was playing my role in keeping it that messed up.

I had already filed for D when I re-aquainted myself with Michele's work and yahooed to this site. I really wanted to save my marriage and family. Just before that I asked IGgy (H) if he really wanted to be married to me and he said he did. I told him that I thought we needed to take 6 months (yep, 6) apart so that we could both do what we needed to do and not interfere with the other. He reluctantly agreed. From then, I'd say it was less than two months and we started trying to relate to each other as people. Most of that is documented here from early 01 (I had to re-register a while ago) - anyway...

It's been a very difficult road here and I knew it was a 1 in a million shot from the get go but you know what? I am really not the same weak scared woman I was and he has learned a great deal as well. Will we reconcile? I still don't see it because he's still hanging on to some big things I honestly cannot live with. But we have never (and I mean never) been able to relate to each other (as human beings) as we do now. And I believe that the root of that is thru Michele's work. And Susan Forward, Iylanla Vanzant, Joyce Meyer, Ed Young, Phil McGraw, Gary Smalley...

And very many wonderful people who sit here typing on this messageboard. Really. There are some real gems here who I really don't want to get into naming cause I'd miss some.

Anyway, to you I would say the more confidence you can allow yourself to have with your gut, the better your chances. The quicker you can work thru your emotions the better. The more willing you are to take a chance and really guage the results - the better. You have to get analytical. For me, I found IGgy would react really badly when I found something that worked - because he wanted me to stop it.

Anyway, The fact that your contact is good is a great sign. Really enjoy those positive things, regardless in how small they are. And for the setbacks? Try to learn from them but don't dwell. Don't make your R the center of your universe. Being healthy is the most important thing to me. And don't expect things to happen overnite tho some things really do happen quickly when they do.

Good luck to you hon. I don't know how much I'll be returning over time but I'll be sure to check in with ya periodically. You can do it chickie! Rah! Rah! Rah!

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#51014 - 10/28/02 02:11 AM Re: "Going Dark" - 101
hurtin Offline
Member

Registered: 07/06/02
Posts: 1938
Loc: USA
Hi phoenix,

I will have to try and locate your old threads.
I cannot express my words of thanks enough for
you encouraging words.Good-luck to you to.
Oh,and thanks for the cheers
Take care,Tammy

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#51015 - 11/15/02 11:26 PM Re: "Going Dark" - 101
Jamesjohn Offline
Moderator

Registered: 11/21/00
Posts: 8334
Loc: The GREAT Pacific Northwest
^ Bump for leighann!
_________________________
JJ

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