"Going Dark" - 101

[crushedbyg]

Jin,

My best piece of advice is do some soul searching on your own. Write things down if you have to. The decision has to be yours and yours only. No friends and parents etc. influencing you. You have to make your own choices. You are responsible for your happiness. Do you want to work it out or move on? Good luck to you!
crushed

[JinBklyn]

H told my mom last chance to (hesitation) do this. She said as if he stopped for fear of saying something he wasn't ready to admit. Any thoughts?

not sure what this means. H told your mom that it was the last chance to do what? decide? go? work on the R together? go on a trip together?

H is so comfortable around me it is scary but once he thinks about it gets nervous and seems to back off. Is this me wanting this or H afraid?

I take this to mean that he lets himself go to where he is happiest (comfortable with you) then gets scared (been burned before). So that's good news, right? It means he still, at his basic level, feels a deep connection to you.

[xalelle]

Sorry to hear you are having a down day.

Thanks crushed.. back to stable now. With kids, which helps, and W was quite nice when she left.

And I am pretty sure the "date" is indeed on.

[crushedbyg]

Jin,
H's hesitation was meant as Last chance to be as a family and see how it goes. How H and I interact and if there is any chance or spark I guess. Trying to fill in his blank but makes sense knowing him. Thanks for the insight about his going to where he is comfortable and then backing off. Sometimes it is hard to see obvious things when it is your own sitch. One of the reasons why this board is so helpful and the people are great.
H did tell my step-father that I had kissed him the other day and he was overwhelmed. Said I should try that more often. I guess if you get baby steps and pos results you keep up the behavior and if not then try something new.
c

[crushedbyg]

X,
I am hoping for great things out of your date!!! Even if it yields pos baby steps it is moving in the right direction. COngrats to you and enjoy the benefit of all your hard work.
As my kids say always keep a smile on your face as it makes others wonder what you have been up to!

Is so crazy how from day to day can be so pos to so neg and back again. What a roller-coaster ride we are on!
c

[willtry]

Loved your info on going dark. I 'm trying myself
Also since I see your a moderator could you tell me hoe to Private message. Iv'e tried everything

WILLTRY

[JinBklyn]

H's hesitation was meant as Last chance to be as a family and see how it goes. How H and I interact and if there is any chance or spark I guess.

Then it seems to me that he's open to that possibility. That's positive! He thinks there's the possibility that a spark might be there, that something positive can come out of it. Sounds like he's willing to try, if he's really encouraging you to go along.

What can you do to make the trip an opportunity for you to show the changes you've made? One thing I always have to tell myself is something I read (was it DR? Maybe it was something my DB coach said):

Is what I'm about to say going to bring us closer together or push us farther apart?

If you do go on the trip, H2H had some great advice for me (adapted for your sitch): Act as though you're with a friend. Have a great time. Forget about the R and the issues in it.

One thing that always Worked with my SO was when we were doing something out of the ordinary (museum, movie, a trip), I would just say out loud (which isn't entirely natural for me) as much as I could about what I was enjoying about it, what was great about it, how happy I was to be doing X, how great Y was, look at Z, isn't that cool... and the most amazing thing happened. SO brightened up like he was responsible for those things. It made him feel like a man, that he was taking care of me and making me happy.

And my therapist says that's what men want most in their Rs-- to make their partners happy and feel responsible for their happiness.

I'd go on the trip if I were you. Take advantage of your H's willingness to try.

Good luck!

JinB

[xalelle]

I am hoping for great things out of your date!!! Even if it yields pos baby steps it is moving in the right direction. COngrats to you and enjoy the benefit of all your hard work.

Thanks. I will be happy with no real "steps" as long as we get to spend a little time together with no "incedents". It is what we need right now, just time to get re-aquainted with each other, and remember that we really do enjoy each others company, as long as we arent fighting or ignoring each other!

As my kids say always keep a smile on your face as it makes others wonder what you have been up to!

Ok, too wierd. This is one of my W's favorite sayings!

Is so crazy how from day to day can be so pos to so neg and back again. What a roller-coaster ride we are on!

And what I find most frustrating is sometimes I create my own downs. Trying to work on it - let the positives pull me up and use the negatives to learn and pull myself up with the learning. Not easy, but it can be done!

[crushedbyg]

Thanks for the great advice Jin. I am going on the trip and will take this with me to keep looking at throughout the trip. Had a down and dirty discussion this eve with my parents about what is happening. Came out of it feeling pretty good considering they were looking at all aspects not just my view.

Today was hard as I got a phone call from a guy I knew before my husband who I never dated but got to be great friends. he would visit me at work but nothing else. My H has this chip on his shoulder about this guy after 11 years. I have not spoken to him in 2 years. My H is actually friends with him and sees him regularly. My H had a conversation with him last week about me and told him to call me. I was so hurt and offended that H would do such a thing. maybe he thinks I will have a fling with this guy and make it easier on himself. Am working through it. I did tell H was the rudest thing he has done to me.

I told h that we were friends and I have no interest in him and that it is h that I love. Felt it was necessary considering. I guess I will see!

X, have a great time on your date. Someday I hope to have one also. Take Jin's advice with you.
c

[Jamesjohn]

If you want to consider "going dark" to be a sun metaphor, it's not that you stop emitting light, you just move it somewhere else. Your wife is not a plant; she can decide that she's not getting enough light where she's at, and she can move herself to where you are. At least, that's the theory. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Beren