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#51016 - 11/16/02 02:54 PM Re: "Going Dark" - 101
CAGirl Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/02
Posts: 209
Dear JJ,

I think you hit the nail on the head of what I thought 'going dark' was when I first found this board in April.
Quote:

If a person were to use "going dark" in the spirit of solely "no contact", they would be wasting their time, and setting themselves up for great disappointment.



Reading and rereading this thread has really helped my perspective. The good thing is that things happen when they are supposed to. I don't think I could have done this right at the beginning, so I'm glad to have this tool to use now. I have been trying different shades of grey, and am going to arm myself with them to get thru the holidays with a minimum of fuss.

Thank you for all these great new threads and all the time and effort you spend in moderating. It is very helpful.

xoxox Karen

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#51017 - 12/06/02 06:45 PM Re: "Going Dark" - 101
Jamesjohn Offline
Moderator

Registered: 11/21/00
Posts: 8334
Loc: The GREAT Pacific Northwest
Make a great weekend!
_________________________
JJ

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#51018 - 12/20/02 11:50 AM Re: "Going Dark" - 101
Jamesjohn Offline
Moderator

Registered: 11/21/00
Posts: 8334
Loc: The GREAT Pacific Northwest
****
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JJ

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#51019 - 12/23/02 10:18 AM Re: "Going Dark" - 101
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
some of the best advice on the board
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#51020 - 02/12/03 11:25 AM Re: "Going Dark" - 101
Jamesjohn Offline
Moderator

Registered: 11/21/00
Posts: 8334
Loc: The GREAT Pacific Northwest
Hi sg!!

Yup, lots of great input from a lot of wise people here!
_________________________
JJ

Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!

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#51021 - 02/12/03 12:50 PM Re: "Going Dark" - 101
thesane1 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/03
Posts: 585
this is what this site is all about
THANKYOU

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#51022 - 02/12/03 01:04 PM Re: "Going Dark" - 101
gtocher Offline
Member

Registered: 01/15/03
Posts: 215
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
My WAW has been avoiding everyone since leaving a note &
walking out. We spoke a few times in the weeks after she left & our talks were about how good the M was.

I then pursued & she pushed away.

I then went Dark since jan 7, with only a couple angry
messages. Then no contact for 2 weeks.

Only response since has been a couple calls from her about minor things.

When I asked about finances this week, she said whenever you are ready. I said you wanted time & space so I gave it
to you.


Does going dark with someone who does not want to deal with the emotional issues & the R work?

Where do I go from here? I was going to make some minor
contact to test the waters. Try to keep it upbeat & freindly. So maybe she could see the changes I have made
are going to be permanent.

Any input is appreciated.

Thanks
_________________________
GTO "Unconditional Love for a lifetime"

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#51023 - 02/12/03 06:58 PM Re: "Going Dark" - 101
Phoenix Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/01
Posts: 1234
Perhaps in your situation it isn't about going dark or not. It's more about what you do with the time/contact you do have with her. Sometimes we gotta understand that they aren't going to open up about things. It's hard but I suggest that maybe you think about the fact she may never do that and focus on other things. Respect her space, take care of actual business and other than that, every once in a while just let her know that you're still there.

The good thing is that she's called you twice for whatever reason. There are people here who would love that from their SO.

It also helps to understand that when you've been around someone long enough, a sigh, an inflection, a glance - speaks volumes. So we may convince ourselves we've backed off and in reality we're still pressuring hard with the slightest of effort. That's part of the dance that needs to be broken.

Remember, it's about actions, not words. Observe yourself and her and take notes if it helps. Good luck in your continued journey

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#51024 - 02/13/03 09:53 AM Re: "Going Dark" - 101
gtocher Offline
Member

Registered: 01/15/03
Posts: 215
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Thanks Phoenix, you are right about watching & learning.

I spoke with her again yesterday. About some medical forms.

She sounded very tired & is working 9 days straight.

I tried to lighten it up a little. Asked about her dad &
work.

Told her I wanted drop off a Valentines card for my "freind", but that it probably wasn't a good idea. She said "Probably not but it was a very nice thought, buy a
rose for someone else & say it was from me".

Told her not to work so hard, she was going to burn out.
She told me not to work so hard and to take care.

I have been taking notes on our calls & the last 3 contacts have beeb pretty good. She seems to be moving on
but I don't think she is as happy where she is as she thought she would be.

It seems maybe I can be a little grey, let her make contacts or if I make sporadic contact it is ok.

Thanks for the perspective. It always helps to have someone
else look at things & give an objective response.
_________________________
GTO "Unconditional Love for a lifetime"

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#51025 - 02/20/03 12:16 PM Re: "Going Dark" - 101
Jamesjohn Offline
Moderator

Registered: 11/21/00
Posts: 8334
Loc: The GREAT Pacific Northwest
_________________________
JJ

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