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#409473 01/30/05 04:49 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 3,567
M,
Quote:

I am somewhat afraid to go dark. I am afraid I will enjoy life so much more w/o all the stress and drama, which comes from interactions w/ H.


Of course you will enjoy life without that stuff. You didn't come here to get H back so you could enjoy that stuff with him again. You have the guts to work for something better. H needs to wake up. Maybe yesterday helped a little. I hope so.

Thanks,

K


My sitch
More importantly, Light A Million Candles
#409474 01/30/05 05:43 PM
Joined: Jan 2005
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Hopeful,

I may finally have something to say about your H that may help you a little. You have helped me so much, and finally I can MAYBE do some in return. Since he seems to have some of the same problems I keep encoutering. It sounds like alot of this is coming from his anger. BTW, I get alot of this from reading The Anger Trap. I am finally almost done with the book. If you get a chance after your 4 other books, it might give you some insight into his thinking. As I talk about this, some may pertain directly to your H, and others may not.

I can never admit I am wrong. I am deathly afraid of anyone ever seeing that I made a mistake, especially those who are closest to me. I feel unworthy and inferior if I am wrong in their eyes. They are looking down on me. Therefore, I push very hard to move above them, I push them down. This can be done with destroying their argument by seeing a small chink in what they say, and exploiting it to prove that I am right no matter what. Mostly, my W will just agree just to get me to shut up. After a while, she does not want to do that anymore, and the arguments get more heated. As we get closer to proving me wrong, I get meaner with my side. I begin to bring her into the argument personally. As she stands up for herself more, I begin to try to control what all is happening in my own little world. I push my views and my way of doing things on her and the kids. They all begin to rebel, and it is a downhill skid from there. I did not even realize what I was doing. Finally, W is just tired of the whole thing, and pushed me out the door. No more walking on eggshells to see what I was going to try to control next. It was whatever I wanted and when I wanted it. I made it all about me, instead of making it about my W and my kids. They are what is important to me, so now I am trying to make changes. I have snapped at my daughter a couple of times this weekend for absolutely no reason. She was asking me about a crown she got a birthday party and where it came from. I told her I don't know, and she kept asking. I yelled a little, not a lot, but it brought tears. I realize what I am doing now, so I stopped the truck and tried to explain to her where I was coming from, but that I did not act right. If she wanted to solve her query of where they came from, we could call the birthday girls Mom and ask. A slip, and maybe a little progress.

Your H needs to get over himself. He is not the center of the universe, so stop acting like it. He needs to address your requests with respect, even if he does not agree with your perspective. He needs to show you that he values what you are saying. He needs to admit when he is wrong. I used to admit I was wrong, and it was actually almost a religious experience in that it was so uplifting to get that monkey off my back. I backslid and did not realize it. He needs to be humble. Actually, I need to do all these things as well.

I also have this problem with living more in my fantasy land (or dream land) than in reality. I have a stock that I thought would have me retired by now. It wrecks my whole day to know I HAVE to get up to go to work. I probably would still work, but I would not have to. That put me in a foul mood, and of course, sometimes still does. I get home, and my W would be challenging to show that I was wrong about something, legitimatelly. Well, in my fantasy land, my perfect S would never do something like that, so when I get mean, I would tell her sometimes that I am leaving. Hell, I could find someone better. But in reality, there is always going to be conflict where I will be proved wrong. I will never find that fantasy perfect S. My W is perfect for me. We have so much in common, and those things that are not in common, we have always (until recently) talked about those so well. I see your H a little in fantasy land in that he will go buy what he wants, consequences be damned.

Another way I see a little of your H in my actions is that I can play the victim so well. "I am only lashing out because YOU hurt me." Well, I did not always take into account that I hurt my W first. I did not treat her with love and respect, so it hurt me when she did the same in return.

I may be off base on your H with some of these, but I am sure that some are right on. It is very difficult for someone like me to admit that what I was doing was so wrong. I see what I was doing now. Now, I am trying to correct those abusive behaviors. It is hard, as referenced above where I yelled at my daughter, but it has to be done. I already see my daughter acting up less. She is much more affectionate to me with hugs and "I love you, Daddy." It melts my heart and makes me want to work even harder. I just wish my W would see. But, these are the things I realize right now. There may be more I don't even know. I am not totally sure how to fix the above. Very humbling.

I hope that gives a little perspective maybe from your H's side. He has to get it before it can change. You can apply DBing to make some slight changes in him, but he has to make those big changes himself. He has to realize first thing. Going dark would be a hard choice, and I do applaud you for wanting to keep trying under these trying times. I hope you had some fun last night.

#409475 01/30/05 08:12 PM
Joined: Aug 2004
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Quote:

I also have this problem with living more in my fantasy land (or dream land) than in reality. I have a stock that I thought would have me retired by now. It wrecks my whole day to know I HAVE to get up to go to work. I probably would still work, but I would not have to



Living for some such future event is pretty common among those of us who have trouble managing our emotions. We lose the joy of everyday life. I know this happened to me. I will be happy when I get a bigger house, buy a new car, etc. I have learned through this to live much more in the present and it has been a gift.
Quote:

I already see my daughter acting up less. She is much more affectionate to me with hugs and "I love you, Daddy." It melts my heart and makes me want to work even harder. I just wish my W would see.



I actually went so far as to apologize to my DD for the way I had been and for certain times of which I was ashamed about the way I treated them. It was liberating

D


My thread: Stuck in Neutral
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