Thanks for the comments. No, I hadn't read or seen their situations. I will check them out. I was beginning to think I was one of the only WAS's on this BB.
A friend of mine suggested the 5 LL's to me, but there is only so much reading one can do at a time. I have 4 books I am trying to read now! I will get to it though. I am going to the book store today (before the date) to get the ANger Trap, so I will look for that as well.
As far as getting the WAS to read some of these wonderful books - well, that will take a little time. I know when I frist walked; I wasn't ready or willing to read any of these books. It is only after I have begun to heal and realized that whatever behaviors I have developed in this M will carry over to any future R, that I decided to improve myself. I also thought that when the WAS gets to a point where they are more open to communicating and it's not such a struggle - well, that might be a good time to accidentally/intentionally leave a copy for them.
Thanks for all the encouragement. I have decided that if if I can't get through to my H; I will at least be a better person for all of this.
Quote: I was beginning to think I was one of the only WAS's on this BB.
You might want to check in on Tikitorch's thread. I think her situation is similar to yours and she is currently working on her sitch. I tried to point her your way but haven't seen her post here.
Quote: I ended w/ that I had plans tonight so I had to go. He asked what plans, I just said none of his business. Good night. I hung up and turned my phone off.
Well, thank GOD that I turned my phone off. I had 3 messages from him about how I was lying and hiding things from him and how I was purposely hurting him, etc. The last message said I made him feel that my life would be better without him in or if he were dead, etc.
After listening to those messages, I sent thim a text message saying: "I just listened to your messages. I no longer wish to spend the evening with you. SInce I am so evil/hurtful, I will not be meeting you tonight at 5 PM" Then I asked him not to contact me.
Since then, I have 8 missed calls and probably messages, too. As well as 4 text messages. One of which said he went all out for tonight and he has 4 tickets to Varekai.
I just replied, well then I guess you need to find someone else to join you or not use that ticket. Although I did ask out of curiosity who was joining him.
By my clock it's still late afternoon where you are. Why not find someone else to be with tonight? I'm not talking about getting an OM, but call a GF and just do not be alone.
You did what you had to do to get away from the pressure. Somehow your H must come to understand how he's making things worse with all the pressure he puts on you.
Go do something pressure free, even if you just go to a cafe with your friend for an hour or two. H won't let up, so you take the pressure off.
You deserve a decent celebration, right? Go get it.
Thanks,
K
PS Happy Birthday!
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
I am sorry it is turning out this way on your birthday. You can still go out with the girls tonight to the bachelorette party. Try to be happy for the bride to be. It was when my W said to me that it always had to be what I wanted and when I wanted it, that it started to sink in that I have been selfish and controlling. Have you hit him with those words? It has been all about him for so long, and he cannot see that. What is wierd is that I can see that it needs to be all about Michelle for now, but in my own sitch I still sometimes don't think that way when it comes to my W. That is why I am so happy to talk with you. I wish I could give you more to help in your sitch. If you wanted some of us to email him from here, I would love to...probably would not help though. It still upsets me that he has what the rest of us want, our WAS to be ready to work on our M.
I was going to post this as an alert to you in that he probably was going to expect you to hang with him all evening, especially since he is going all out. It would have turned out ugly if you tried to leave to go with your girlfriends.
This is my first post, but have been reading Hopeful's thread......she is my best friend! I'm sure all of u can tell what a wonderful, luving, genuine person she is.....trust me, you're right. She is going to have an awesome time tonight. Her H really screwed up this time and she is finally thinking of herself and her happiness first......it's about darn time. She is the most unselfish person i've ever met, which unfortunately enables (enabled) her H to take advantage of her. I'm ever so proud of her and hopefully she will only get praises from u guys for standing up for herself and actually putting herself first (for once).
FYI: I've thoroughly enjoyed reading all of ur responses to her. Unfortunately, in the past, i've acted like her H towards my own 11 year relationship (he's only my boyfriend though....no marriage). However, i've learned my selfish tendencies about a year ago and have worked very hard to correct them. Hence, y i could relate to her H's actions, but he's just like talking to a brick wall, unfortunately. I tried talking to him and telling him i can relate to what he's said and/or done to hurt the situation, but it just kept going back to the way she's making him feel.....kind of like, who gives a poop about the way Hopeful has felt for the past many years. My only concern is to see her happy and I thank you guys for giving her all the different views and advice (esp, since many of the things is exactly what i've said ).
Yes, I have said that to him, but he always turns it around and says he did it for me. Or that he did it b/c I was shutting him out of my life and it hurt him, etc. It doesn't seem to matter what I say to H. Somehow it's always my fault that he does what he does.
Well, the good news is I did talk to him. I told him I had made other plans and that he could try to exchange the tickets for another night or something else or he could find someone else to go w/ him. It was his choice. Either way I was not going to be there b/c I did not want to spend my time w/ someone who thought I was this horrible person and I was not going to reward him for his behavior.
That was so hard for me to do. I contacted his sister and asked her to check on him b/c I was concerned. She called me back and said that she hoped I could put my differences aside for totnight b/c he spent $400 on the tickets. That made me feel even worse, but then my wonderful girlfriend said it doesn't matter if he spent $1,000 if he's still treating me like crap! I agreed. That's when I called him and gave him his options - exchange them or find someone else.
I am going out. And I am going to make it a GREAT night!
Thanks so much everyone for your comments. It has really helped me be strong.
Thank you so much for all your love and support and not to mention wisdom.
Thanks for the smack upside the head today when you "yelled" into me that it matters not how much he spends if he is still treating me like crap. You are the best friend I could have right now! Bless you, darling!
M
P.S. Thanks for your kind words. I will call you later.
How are you doing today Hopeful_WAW? Did he try bugging, or did he finally get the point to leave you alone. I fear this is similar to what I did to my W last weekend when I started the R talk. I have not talked about it since, but that is easy when she is down there. Would have been funny if she was at the same bachelorette party, being that Houston is such a small town and all. I lived there in 1990, and enjoyed it very much. So much to do down there. I was working on the Space Station as a college student. I lived in Clear Lake City. A little out of town, but a quick 45 minute drive and we were on Richmond. Good clubs along there at that time.
I think you should go dark for a while. He has not gotten it as of your last post. I don't know what it is going to take for him to get it. Your friend has hit him with a 2 by 4, and still nothing. That does not mean that he will never get it. Keep working on you. Your friend confirmed what we all already know, that you are sweet and giving. I wish my W was as ready to work on the R as you. I have to be patient, out only 2 weeks. I hope you will continue to stay here and talk with each of us. How many of us have said that your words came out of their S's mouth? Thank you for being here. Thank you for hope.
I think he might have gotten just a little out of yesterdays drama. He sent me the following text messages:
Well, I guess it's my own fault for being so stupid and childish. I did all of this for you. I am truly sorry and I love you so much. Have a Happy Birthday. I wish I was with you.
Followed by - I know I screwed up again, but this is very hard on me. I just want my W back. I miss her so much. I am sorry.
I am not sure what is going to happen from here. I did ask him about the tickets and he said he ended up going with his sister b/c he was unable to exchange them.
It just makes me sad that H can say such mean things to try to make me feel like I'm a horrible person. He says it's b/c he is hurting. What doesn't make sense to me is this - If I am such a horrible person, why does he still want to be with me? I just hope and pray that he will reconsider leaving me manipulative messages in the future.
I am somewhat afraid to go dark. I am afraid I will enjoy life so much more w/o all the stress and drama, which comes from interactions w/ H. I know when I asked for little to no contact, I did not miss him, at all. Any thoughts about this?
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