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I think some people think when they DB they have to suck in all the negative and present themselves as perfect people.

I do not think that. Here's what I think and tell me if you agree/think it's wrong


Husband comes home from work.

Wife who is a stay at home mom is frustrated with her day and when both asks eachothers day went, W starts bitching about it.

H takes it personally.

W just venting and needs a hug.

*********
Next week....H comes home from work....

This time H beats her to the bitching and complains about work. W doesn't take it personally but resents him always complaining, her comforting him, but he never doing the same back.

See the vicious circle?
********

How to do something different:
**********
H comes home from work.

Wife greets him with a smile and a hug. (Their marriage isn't "bad" yet so it's easier to make changes). They ask how eachother's day is. Wife had a really tough one with the kids and everyone needing a piece of her...the kids, the neighbor who works and asks her to go take her kid to a hair appointment cuz she can't get off work...stuff like that. Wife needs to vent.
Wife first says..."I had a rough day and really need a hug". Wife tells H what to do - H does it and feels relieved because he isn't the target of her frustration but the solution to it.

H vents about his day but W is able to listen w/o resenting because her emotional needs were taken care of.
**********

So Dbers, what do you think. Wife did not have to push aside her frustrations inorder to do something different.

Boy, I wish I knew this DB stuff 13 years ago.

Kathy



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Winter

My life would be a completely different animal if I had only thought this way from the start. Good point.

JB


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ooooooooh gooood


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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This is the sort of thing that needs to be in the marriage manual and re-licensing thingy....
If I had this smarts waaaaaay back when, we might not be where we are today.... very very good Katheeee
treeeee

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treeeee - Hieee Yes -a test of sorts...solving specific problems with correct solutions should be a prereq before getting a marriage liscence.

anymore examples anyone can think of???

How about the controlling H who discourages (even forbids) the W to do what she wants...and she gets flustered and ends up angry at him, yet still not doing what she wants. (Not my scenario but I've seen it happen). How do you DB that?

[This message has been edited by Wintergirl (edited 07-20-2001).]


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Kathy, great thread! Having our needs met at times means expressing what those needs are. We all have a tendency to wait around for the other to do what we need. I for one resented the hell out of having to ask, thought what I needed was as plain as the nose on my face. Only to me I guess.

I'm very interested in your second scenario. My situation is different because I am now dealing with an ex who seems to need control and will use any method he can to discourage me from getting what I need. Mainly it is financial threats. I've learned that even if the marriage doesn't survive we still have to DB at times. I'm eager to here what others have to say about this.
Cathy


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Kathy,

You asked......How about the controlling H who discourages (even forbids) the W to do what she wants...and she gets flustered and ends up angry at him, yet still not doing what she wants. (Not my scenario but I've seen it happen). How do you DB that?

Answer and/or my opinion....For someone to be controlling, it requires another to be submissive. When this happens the giver-taker roles become very polarized and the 'relationship scale' is no where close to being balanced. To DB this, the giver (most likely the submissive one) must become more of a taker. That does not mean take things from your spouse, but take what you need to make you happy. If that means doing what you want (within the context of marriage of course) when your spouse objects for no reason other than they say so, then so be it.

The anger you speak of above is rooted more in the person that gives in than in the controlling person, because you CHOSE to give in and be controlled. You could have chosen to do what you want also! You seem angry at your spouse for not letting you do what you want, but you chose to give in and not do it. So who are you really mad at?

Reality is that no one can control anothers actions without the use of physical force. Since that is not part of the equation here, the submissive person is CHOSING to be controlled. The likely reason behind that choice is avoidance of conflict and that will kill a relationship. Conflict is not bad in itself. All relationships have it. Avoidance and mis-handling of conflict are bad and will kill your marriage. Handling conflict the right way will make your marriage stronger. Some will say that it takes two to handle the conflict correctly. In a perfect world, yes. However, we each have the ability to keep the discussions of conflict moving in a postiive direction. We can start and stop the conversation. We can keep our own tone of voice at a resonable and respectful level. We can control our anger and be careful of what we say. And most importantly we can all learn to AGREE to DISAGREE.

Every conflict that is handled does not have to end with a winner and a loser. Sometimes there is more than one right solution or point of view to a situation. When the giver begins to 'take' a little, the relationship will change as the balance will move toward equalibrium. If the 'taker' can understand that he/she needs to give a little, the the R will likely be very good. Often times the discussion of conflict will be the 'eye opener' for the controller or taker to see how 'off balance' things are and they may show a surprising willingness to change.

Hope this helps someone out there.

Take care all,
LH


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LH, I'm so glad you replied. Your insight and wisdom is always highly valued. I hope those who have been the submissive spouse reads this. And if they read it - I hope they really think about it and do something about it. Thank you.

-Kathy


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Thank you, LH, I needed that!!!!

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LH,
Excellent! Like I always said, you are very tall with talent.

Horizontally gifted and blessed knowing you guys!
Tomk



TK
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