You have made such a difference in my life. I was so low, and felt for once, defeated with no option to pursue in my marriage. My motto has always been "Against all Odds", and I saw no hope for my marriage after my husband advanced paperwork from legal separation to dissolution. I wrote Michele Weimer-Davis at Divorce Busting, and her assistant, personally contacted me on my cell phone. She was so compassionate, and listened to my story after recommending a coaching session. I had thought about that, but didn't think it could make a difference. Was I wrong!
My situation was that my husband and I have known each other since 1977, meeting in college. We have been together since then, except for a lapse of 5 years during my medical training. He'd asked me to marry him then, but I turned him down because of the time constraints of my career. He called me back 5 years later, and then we hooked up like before. We've been married for the last 15 years, after living together for 3 years.
Recently, my husband and I have been through very difficult times. Over the last 4 years, we underwent a horrific court case. It was a frivilous lawsuit against me by the most successful malpractice lawyer in the state of California, with no medical basis for a claim. However, I was a month in trial, and ultimately prevailed. Had I lost the case, my husband and I would have lost our house, assets and everything we owned to the tune of $6 million (which we don't have). We did not take any vacation during that time.
My father-in-law was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer; we lost a dear friend who was our "horse mom"; and our vacation trailer burned down in a fire. I couldn't devote much time to my husband because of my court case. We did not know how to communicate, despite being counseled for 2 years. In retrospect, the therapist never changed her techniques, and we both became resentful and angry with unhappy feelings that we did not know how to express.
The day I wanted to plan a vacation with my husband, I was served with "legal separation" papers at my office. I came home, and my husband had moved out all his belongings. He never mentioned that he had consulted an attorney.
I was devastated. Of course, I did the typical thing, and asked my husband to consider reconciliation. The atypical thing I did was try to make the best of this situation, and try to work on things. I picked up a book on depression with homework assignments, and started to work on the tasks. I felt unguided with no direction, but I knew I never had an opportunity before to work on myself.
I tried a different therapist, who is much more efficient. He saw my husband's ambivalance. My husband only attended 3 sessions, and then marched out angrily after the therapist asked him if there was "any hope for the relationship". My husband immediataely contacted his attorney to advance the petition to dissolution.
I've come to find out that many negative factors for reconciliation are against us. My husband's counselor runs a big "single's center", and after 2 weeks of session last year, informed my husband that I could never change. My husband did begin to withdraw from me after seeing this therapist, complicating our communication even more. Then, after my husband moved out, he started dating a marriage therapist and wedding minister. She had announced to mutual friends that "my husband's feelings were dead for me a long time", and she was helping push his divorce along.
Before I picked up Michele's book 2 months after my husband moved out, I had thought we had chances forreconciliation. I'd always acted polite. But when my husband advanced the petition, I felt that no one could help me. The universal statement I heard from everyone is "I don't know what to say or tell you". Many said "The handwriting is on the wall. He'll never come back. He'll always be your friend, but you've got to go on by yourself. Forget about him."
I then read her book, and continued to act polite and "as if". I didn't know about the other person until 1 month later, but she had a definite agenda to help my husband's divorce along. It turns out that my husband contacted her before every call to his attorney, and it appears she prompted the advancement.
If it wasn't for Michele's book and website recommendations to read everything I could, I'd never survive. I've had to deal with confronting my husband to pay his share of joint expenses, discuss another person, and confront his dishonesty. I normally would have kept everything inside, but Dottie taught me the communication skills to correctly address the situations. She encouraged me to go on, when I was ready to give up, and has given me the courage to be patient. Let me give you some details.
Dottie encourage me to be polite and cheerful. Spouses find it more difficult to legally advance a dissolution, when their mate is cordial. Furthermore, we've maintained our friendship since the day after my husband left. Dottie explained to me that being his friend, means he still cares for me. In fact, a way to look at things, that keeping a spouse as a friend, is a cowardly expression of love. My husband once loved me, and can remember that feeling again.
My husband said many hurtful things. He never loved me, and that he was unhappy for many years in our marriage. He said I was selfish, and we did everything my way. Even though my husband has great difficulty with communication of his needs, everything wrong in our marriage was my fault. He was always unhappy in our marriage, and that was due to my unhappiness. I was shocked by all this, but Dottie helped me by saying that spouses only focus on the negative aspects so they don't feel guilty about moving out.
I continued to be nice. Dottie showed me how to validate his feelings. Even though he was wrong, what he believed to be true was a valid perspective for him that explained his actions. He started to soften, when I made amends for what I did wrong in our marriage (worked too much, neglected vacations, etc.) and acknowledged his unhappiness. He would stay on the phone longer with me, or talk longer to me when he came by the house to trade cars or pick up our horse trailer.
When I found out about the person my husband was dating, I'd fortunately gotten the support beforehand to inform my husband that "I loved him enough to let go". Coincidentally, I left that message on his cell, a day before I found out about the other person. When someone called me about her, they also told me that the she said "Tom's wife was trying to demean her by being so nice".
Dottie soothed me with the fact that these rebound relationships are short-lived, and they usually exaggerate their importance. She's given me the courage to continue doing the same, being polite, considerate, and "divorce-busting". When I approached my husband, he anticipated anger and spite. Instead, I told him I understand the reason why he's dating. We're both lonely, and it's hard to be by oneself. I am partly responsible for the current situation, because I didn't meet his needs. I wished him the best, and I'm glad he has someone caring for him. I shared my disappointment about not hearing from him first, because unsavory things were said about him. He was very quiet, and then thanked me for my weekend message about loving him enough to let him go. He asked me to continue sharing my discoveries about my personal growth.
She points out the positives in my situation. My husband still wants me to share the personal insight I've gained through my "homework tasks". She pointed out that this person is insecure, will make demands, and soon get angry as she is displeased over my "nice behavior". By me being nice and polite, my husband will see what kind of person she is, and remember what a quality person I am with my dignified behavior.
My family, friends, and new therapist sometimes counsel me to end my hopes. I've actually confronted my therapist, and have had him back down with the tools that Dottie has given me. I almost give up, and Dottie gives me the hope to go on. She advised me to jot down the positives in my situation on index cards, and read them when I become depressed.
I am happy with my growth. Whatever happens, it is already worlds better between my husband and I, compared to when he left me. Divorce Busting, the staff, and Dottie are my lifeline. Please follow their advice. It's the only thing that keeps you sane, and can improve the relationship and even achieve reconciliation after your spouse has moved out and filed for dissolution.
