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A Message from Michele
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Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, [Re: Adios] #2860622
08/08/19 06:25 AM
08/08/19 06:25 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,418
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HaWho Offline
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HaWho  Offline
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Regarding the closeness of his relationship with OW, she is with a married man! That is not something a self respecting woman does. And if he respected her, I think he would want to start the relationship off on a proper foundation - not one where OW is pleading for him to get a divorce.

If we read about the OW and MLC, we learn the OW is a parental figure and heís using her to work through his issues starting from where ever he was emotionally stunted. That is going to take however long it takes. Either he will outgrow her and wake up or he wonít and heíll be stuck cycling through his issues.

Either way it is nothing you can control. And she is not worth a nano second of your time. She is not getting the man he was. She is getting a married man who is broken down and confused. They will use each other.

Continue to focus on you. You are the prize!


Me: 41 H: 47, M 15 yrs., S11 & S13
BD # 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD # 2: 3/31/15 H moves downstairs to his "dorm room"
8/15: H moves to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files
Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, [Re: Adios] #2860665
08/08/19 01:44 PM
08/08/19 01:44 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,120
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(((Adios))) Itís been less than a year for me and my H has bought a house with OW and they are planning a wedding next July. If it hadnít happened to me, I almost wouldnít believe it. I did nothing wrong but love and support him. Were there small things I could have done differently when I felt him slipping away? Yes...but Iím not sure it would have made a difference. My H was conflict-avoidant to the extreme. By the time I knew what was going on, he had already left me in his mind. He knows he treated me like sh!t... he has a lot of guilt and shame... it doesnít matter. He wants what he wants - to hell with anyone else.

The bottom line is that your H is going to do what he wants to do and there is nothing you can do or say to stop it. Telling him you love him may result in him feeling bad for a period of time but it wonít change what he is doing. Two years of long distance, as was already said, is easy. For it to fizzle, they would probably need to live together. If I were you, I would not count on that to happen or wait around. Even if it did fizzle, it wouldnít necessarily result in him returning to you...he could just as easily move on to OW2.

Drop the rope. Let yourself heal. Move forward and stop focusing on what he is doing. And for heavenís sake, get your cell phone back. Heís a grown man. He can get his own cell phone. Why should you be paying for his contact with OW? He might be upset about it but he will also respect you for it. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, [Re: Adios] #2861096
08/12/19 04:38 PM
08/12/19 04:38 PM
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 111
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Adios Offline OP
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I appreciate all the comments - thank you.

The last few days I have been organizing the house to get it up for sale. I'm heartbroken. I hung onto it for this long hoping for ,,,I don't know.... a sign that said I should hang on more. I didn't get one. Not a strong enough one at least.

It is stupid to continue paying the cost to live here. I need to secure my financial future without having to rely on his contribution, or my part time job, or having a boarder. If any one of those things changes, then it becomes a financial struggle.

At first, my h was hesitant, and assumed I wasn't ready (or was that projection?). I could have stopped the plans right there if I said I wasn't ready and we would have continued for another 6 or so months before it came up again. But what is the point? So he gets to say when it's time? Him and his OW? Because it suits him/her? I am glad I am going forward - because this is what I decided for my life,,, not them.

I can't help wonder if this will finally end everything. Once we no longer own property together, and no reason to maintain contact,,,, is this where it all ends? Is this where it should all end?

My thoughts are to go very very dark after this is all done. Not NC, but very dark. Seeing him as long as OW is still in the picture at all,,, bothers me too much.

I can't help but be terribly sad while doing these final things to end our marriage. So this is it. How is that right? Some loose morals woman just sails off with my h who once adored and cherised me. I get a shattered life. They get each other.

How does it happen that an instant love at first sight attraction can turn into the real deal? Or real enough that it survives busting up a marriage and then survives for many years after? Especially when the marriage that was destroyed was a decent one?

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, [Re: Adios] #2861102
08/12/19 05:03 PM
08/12/19 05:03 PM
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Adios, you have my empathy and sympathy. Iím sorry you are going through this. You will make yourself bonkers trying to understand and rationalize how this is all happening. It defies all logic. ALL logic. Iím 5 years in and I still havenít seen the ex wobble. Granted, Iím not looking. But it seems incomprehensible to just blow up someoneís life and both of your futures and walk away unscathed. To bear witness to his ďsolidĒ!relationship with her, is just awful.

I always hated hearing that this experience is/was a gift, but if you do the work (painful and tedious work)... one day, you will wake up with the genuine appreciation for this gift. Sounds insane... but itís true.

In the meantime, keep trucking along. You seem like you are being sensible with the house and your actions.

Good plan on going very very dark. Itís for you and your peace of mind.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, [Re: Adios] #2861272
08/13/19 11:33 PM
08/13/19 11:33 PM
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 111
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Adios Offline OP
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What do I do with my anger? Iím not even sure who to be angry with.

When MLC hit I followed the DB tactics. No pressure, no R talks, no friendship, give them space and time. Etc.

At first he was a boomerang- clingy one too. Then he was just a boomerang. Now, 2 years later he is barely in my life at all. When I do see or talk to him he is so indifferent, so uninterested. He could care less if we are friends. This one hurts actually because he really wanted to be friends for ages after bd but I flat out refused because of his OW and the advice I followed. Now, he and OW are tighter than ever and Iím just ,,, no one important to him.

I will always wonder if the advice to not be friends is good advice or not. It seemed so at the time but look at where I am now.

Once the house is gone and our legal connections severed, there will be nothing at all. So hard to accept this reality.

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, [Re: Adios] #2861275
08/14/19 12:13 AM
08/14/19 12:13 AM
Joined: Nov 2017
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Adios Offline OP
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Is it normal after 2 years to still have anxiety knots in my stomach? They were gone for quite awhile but now they are back. They returned as soon as OW told him she needs him to get a divorce to feel secure. Now he will do whatever makes her happy. Just sick to my stomach most of the time.

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, [Re: Adios] #2861282
08/14/19 03:43 AM
08/14/19 03:43 AM
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Gerda Offline
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It is normal, every time you get a new BD especially.

What kind of woman would want to marry a man if she had to FORCE him to divorce his W first? Do you really think that's a strong foundation? Let them go. It will crash and burn. It hurts for sure. But what they have is not real. Let it consume itself.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, [Re: Gerda] #2861342
08/14/19 03:42 PM
08/14/19 03:42 PM
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Adios Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Gerda
What kind of woman would want to marry a man if she had to FORCE him to divorce his W first? Do you really think that's a strong foundation?.


She (and he) have convinced themselves that his marriage to me was a disastrous mistake. Their relationship feels so Ďrightí and justifies anything they have to do to stay together. Divorcing me is finally going to free him from his Ďmistakeí.

Will it crash and burn? I wonder. Going into 3rd year with as much passion and intensity as day 1. Itís a long distance r too so it will likely go on forever.

I am trying to let it all go and just walk away,,,for good. I am just struck by how incredible it is that behaviour like theirs gets rewarded. Destroy a marriage, shatter a life in the process, and live happily ever after. Even if itís not forever (like my marriage) itís going to be a very long time given their current passion level.

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, [Re: Adios] #2861343
08/14/19 03:58 PM
08/14/19 03:58 PM
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Ohhhhh! That makes sense. The fact that it is a long distance relationship tells a lot. While you think itís so passionate.... I actually see a facade. The foundation for a solid relationship isnt there. They 100% are living in fantasy land because they do not have to deal with real life- every day mundane stuff. Sure it seems hot and heavy, but thatís because reality hasnít set in. I donít give it much merit.

Sure LDRs can succeed, but not when itís built on a foundation of cheating and lies.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, [Re: Adios] #2861407
08/14/19 09:02 PM
08/14/19 09:02 PM
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Posts: 3,624
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A

Im sorry for your pain-
we have all been there and then looked back to wonder if we did the right thing

Mlcer is a tough thing and depending on each individual situation
I know I tried several ways to approach H

We were friends,
I listened,
I ignored the fact he may have an OW
I was nice,
I confronted,
I didnt talk R,
I also tried to bring it up
Nothing worked in my situation
I was accepting and pretended toward him
I was angry and authentic toward him
I tried to flirt with him,
I acted mysterious..
I even got a real Boyfriend toward the end after the D

He still M the OW
I think each situation is unique with a lot of the same components
A coach once told me to do what keep him closer
and some of it brought him closer
but he never came home-
then I finally decided to let go....
life is short

Today i have a fabulous relationship with my BF
hang in


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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