Actually the dish fairy comes along and places the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. LOL!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I make pancakes from scratch using my mom's recipe and adding my own touches to it. in fact, we're having pancakes for breakfast today, cooked on our new griddle. the sausages will not be burned. love me the dish fairy, but I also like to wash some by hand. I find it relaxing.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Happy Sunday everyone. Usual long rambling nonsense going on.
Slept in this morning and it was glorious even if lonely. B is out at the cottage with S38 / GS3/4. She had to pick her youngest son up after a wedding out that way and so decided to stay at the cottage. It's her happy place anyway. I chose to not go as I do like having time and space to myself. And TBH - why go live in a shack on an uncomfortable bed when I have a perfectly good house right here and no end of things to keep me occupied.
We had another talk on Saturday morning. B had intended to make breakfast for us but got distracted and so I started it. She then charged in and announced she would make the eggs which got her upset because she forgot how I liked them until the last moment when they were already plated. I didn't say anything of course other than that I was sure that they were perfectly fine.
The talk mainly revolved around how I know she really wants to help out and to make my life easier and better but the way she's going about it involves her taking away from me the things I love doing. I think she's gotten the message but it will be a set of boundaries I need to keep with.
Part of the problem for me is that I keep seeing / hearing echos of things I didn't like about my ex-wife. Friday night she was exhausted and was laying down on the couch while I read for a bit after work. On Fridays I don't get home until about 7:30pm. Then I realized that there were clothes still out on the line and dishes piled on the counter including ones I'd want to use for breakfast. So I quietly got up, did the dishes and brought the clothes in to the delight of the mosquitoes who came out when the sun went down. Since some were damp I hung them up on the indoor clothesline. In the morning B was musing about the clothes and how she should go get them and was annoyed but also pleased I think that I'd already taken care of things. The echos I see are my ex's tendency to make promises and plans and then never follow through on them. We've had a few times when B has agreed that we would do an activity together but then later have other plans. Yes - perhaps it's me being OCPD / boring old coot and I'm working on being adaptable. With me ex-wife I had to just accept that as if I would do the things, I'd get in trouble. Now I'm just doing the things that I feel need to be done. Hopefully this won't be a source of friction between us. I've not mentioned that I actually do some of things better than she does, especially the cleaning. It's probably for the best to not mention that.
Speaking of my ex-wife she actually walked down the driveway on Friday after parking directly across the street. She knew I wasn't home but that B was. B saw her from the back yard but there was no interaction. I expect there to not be. She was there to do some driving practice with S24 who had been sitting waiting in his car for her for some time. They were gone for about 1/2 hour. When I got home he seemed grumpy and plainly refused to talk about a job I'd heard of for him that is literally 2 doors down. B had done a fairly poor job of parking and S24 had some difficulty getting around her car.
I don't know what's up with my ex although I continue to be too curious for my own good. I do believe she is still in her apartment although she's now selling OM's stuff online so that's still a thing. It's roughly 4 years now that she's been seeing him. In a few days it will have been 3 years since I begged her on my knees to not leave and she did anyway after gutting the house.
B is working on negotiating us moving. I've said I am here for at least 10 years. She's now trying to negotiate 5. One thing she's adamant on is that the cats leave when S24 does - whenever that might be. I push back that there is a good chance that the cats will stay and I'm ok with that. I think that the fact that she moved in here with me and that this is my long-time home makes the dynamics much different than they might be otherwise. She did join me for Saturday errands although she had to leave for the cottage right as soon as we got back. We did drive around a new sub-division that is being built and talked about what we wanted in a place. I think she's going to have a fair chunk of cash in hand after her settlement and an inheritance - both of which are well over a year out. She's talked about us going in jointly for a house. I don't know if I'm comfortable with that. Personally I think she should take whatever windfall comes her way and put it aside for her retirement. It's cheap to live here and as long as I can continue to take care of things there's no reason I can think of to move.
It is a bit tiring hearing her complain about this place although she's doing it less over time corresponding to more and more referring to is as "our place" and home rather than "Andrew's place". I don't believe that there are any annoying ex-wife ghosts bothering her here.
I'm also trying to figure out how to have regular conversations with her. She talks continuously about almost everything and that's more or less fine. I tend to talk slowly after thinking over what I want to say and it does make it hard to get a word in edgewise. By the time I get my thoughts organized she's changed topics at least twice I presume it's an Italian thing (?)
I did have a laugh - FSL was surprised that I showed up for my roses hours earlier than usual. I grumbled that B was trying to give me free time on Saturday afternoons by taking away the relaxing time I usually enjoyed in the morning. That got me an eye-roll.
Trust is still a huge thing with me. I loved my ex - but I never trusted her - at all sorts of levels. Lies about the most trivial of things were common. That's perhaps why her affair, while devastating and somewhat of a shock wasn't as big as it might have been. I was actually surprised about how decent she was as we sorted things and even after bomb-day as she could have taken far more advantage of me than she did. I will say here that I still have work to do on trusting B. Not that I think she would have an affair necessarily - it's just the whole "being there" thing with me. I've never really had anyone in my life that I could trust completely and it does make me feel at times like I'm living "on edge".
B has promised to make us ribs tonight so I have a rack of them out of the freezer. I have no clue when she's coming home but expect it to be late afternoon at the earliest. If she's late I'll figure out how to cook them. I'm sure to have a recipe somewhere. Speaking of recipes I made a date mug cake from the batch of single serve recipes I have from Love Swah - a blogger from Australia. It looked odd but tasted really good. I use her "Lonely Girl Pancake" recipe as my main stand-by.
B had told me to not cut the grass yesterday because of the heat but she wasn't here so I got over half of it done before I ran out of gas. I then spent a couple of hours picking black currants and a surprising number of spiders from my bush. Until I was alone that bush never was harvested. My ex did the bulk of the cooking and had no interest in the contents of our gardens. When I did have one, most of the produce would get thrown out. I got a fair bit of currants during my picking, washed, sorted them and put them in the freezer. The bush was a house warming present from my grandfather and is one of many things that ties me to this land.
Picking black currants I find a tedious job. The currants sit under the branch and are hard to spot. They are tiny and need to be picked one by one. I wanted to be sure that I had enough so that I can do a couple of rhubarb / black currant pies, especially for when D27 comes home for Thanksgiving. Picking reminded me of a mind shift I had when I was a boy. I was cleaning the manure from the stables and unlike Hercules was neither a hero nor did I have a handy stream to divert. But what I learned that day and keep getting reminded of is that looking at a large task can be overwhelming. But if instead you focus on the task in front of you and keep plugging away in time you'll get done and be surprised by how well it all went. I use this thought when cleaning, especially when the fairy has left a large pile of dishes on the counter. It serves me well. Just keep going and you'll get done.
B is going "up north" next Thursday to see her STBX for the weekend and help him remove a building that was destroyed in the winter by snow load. Why she has to go is confusing to me but he's not doing it on his own I've been told. He is older but not too much and is as far as I know is healthy and active. I think that she's both looking forward to going up there and also not. She certainly is looking forward she said to sitting on "her deck" and listening to the waves rolling in. She did mention though that the consumer proposal that they had to enter into will all be completed in the next few months. That will at least give her some much needed cash flow. She did say that her STBX cannot afford to buy her out of the house. He's threatened suicide a few times over the house and has been clinically diagnosed as being depressed and also historically has refused to take his meds. Not my issue but certainly may make things drag out.
Well - my pot of tea is empty. It's a glorious sunny day outside so I need to pop in to town and get more gas for the mower, finish the lawn and then perhaps go for a walk. I may do the small amount of ironing that is needed to be done this afternoon - maybe if I split it between Wednesday and the weekend it won't take so much time. Turning a big task into little ones.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I'm also trying to figure out how to have regular conversations with her. She talks continuously about almost everything and that's more or less fine. I tend to talk slowly after thinking over what I want to say and it does make it hard to get a word in edgewise. By the time I get my thoughts organized she's changed topics at least twice I presume it's an Italian thing (?)
no. it is not.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Sorry Andrew ... let me elaborate - (had contractors here finishing punch list items)
When my large Italian family gets together, there are usually several conversations going on at the same time within different smaller groups.
I was married to an engineer for a very long time. While communication style are definitely different between his and my families of origin, what I think you're describing is something different. I think B may not be a very active listener, and you may find that off-putting, or hard to get used to, which is understandable. Becoming an active listener takes effort, but is worth it.
Perhaps you may want to mention the active listening concept to B?
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I agree w/bttrfly about the fact that she is not actively listening to what you have to say. I may be wrong, but it sounds like she does this at times to avoid listening to what you have to say and hopes that changing the subject will get you off kilter.
You and B have not been living together very long and she has mentioned at least several times about the house and selling it, the cats living there as well as she thinks your xw is sitting across the street. She has attempted to suggest ways of changing your appearance w/the change in pants, how you wear your shirts and necklaces. I know I have raised this question w/you before...but are you sure she's happy w/the relationship? Is she looking to make you over into the man she just left?
One of the things that needed to happen before the move in was that B needed to sort out her personal life. She really needed to find a place and live on her own for a while. She's dealing w/her son who has had some difficulties and dealing w/her STBXH. B truly hasn't lived on her own for quite some time and she needed that time to find the B that she left up on a shelf when she married the first time, had children, divorced and then married another man and is now in the throes of a divorce once again. Before the dust was settled with the main issues in her life, she met you and let's face it...the relationship wasn't allowed to blossom in the normal way of dating for a period of time before she moved in w/you. It's been a frustrating transition for both of you.
Andrew, you are several years ahead of B in detaching from your xw and your divorce. B hasn't had the luxury of doing this and she's having a difficult time of adjusting to you, your personality, home life, etc. Maybe being w/her family on the weekends gives her the space and time to go back to what she is familiar with and she feels more comfortable in that setting. However, it seems like she spent more time w/you before moving in. I may be wrong about that, but if I am, please correct me.
I wouldn't think about selling my home at this point in time and venturing into purchasing a home w/her. She has only been there less than 6 months and already she's talking to you about selling and getting another place together. Have you given her the impression that you want to marry her? Neither of you know if this relationship will work out and from your postings, you are slowly seeing how B deals w/things around the home what she says she'll do and then doesn't follow through. I can understand that things may over take what she has promised to do, but it appears that she is doing this quite often and it's starting to frustrate you.
I do find it interesting that when you tell her how you feel about your cats, Amy and Liz, as well as your home, she backs down for a while. It appears that when she thinks your xw is lurking around, she tends to raise the same issues again. One thing that B will need to understand, your xw will always be in some of your space because of your two children. B won't be able to hide you away in a new home and away from the xw when there are family functions that will require your attendance as well as your xw's.
No, it's not her Italian heritage...it's just B being B. Andrew, you need to take a good look at your relationship and decide if B's personality traits are something you will be able to live with if this relationship goes to the next level or if you are going to allow the relationship to die a natural death.
Andrew, I want to see you happy, but don't sell yourself short. If, down the road, this relationship isn't working out for you and B, don't be afraid to speak up and tell her how you feel and do not allow her to switch topics to get you off track as to what you want to say. It's important to clear the air so that you both know how each other feels about things.
If I have offended you, please know that is not my intention. I am only looking at your situation from the outside and do not know all of the facts....just what you posted.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I too agree with everything she says. I was too worried to post because, as I’m from across the pond and post a little differently, I didn’t want to offend as sometimes I can sound rather abrupt.
For me, there are red flags a plenty and I honestly wish you hadn’t let her move in so soon.
I would be worried that she was on the rebound from her previous relationship and if it doesn’t work out for you, how stressful it would be to get her to move out again.
Crap - I had a detailed response put in and then hit the refresh button on the wrong window. I'll do an abridged version.
Thanks everyone for your input. You may not have all the facts but what you lack in facts you make up for with an outside perspective.
As a mature couple finding our way, we are hitting bumps on the road that are a surprise to us but really shouldn't be. We have a lifetime living in different ways than the other person. B's happy place in the summer is at her cottage with her family. Mine is puttering around the house which admittedly takes a lot of puttering to keep it up.
One big difference between this and my former marriage is that I now stand my ground more firmly rather than try to placate. It often is a source of humour for us. The cats are secure in their place in my house / our home. As is S24 for as long as he wishes it.
I am cutting B probably quite a bit of slack right now because as you point out job - she's not had the opportunity to be "free" and grow in the way that it probably would have done her good to do. And she's got a lot of mess in her life in the near term with S38 and her STBX especially.
Although we talk about the long term, I certainly have never mentioned marriage and won't as long as she is technically married to someone else. It's a "thing" to me. If you asked her, she'd probably say that she doesn't want to get married again. The truth may be somewhere in between.
I can actually see a path where we would part ways. Since I am often cynical here - I can see B when she potentially comes in to some money from an inheritance and her eventual settlement, moving off on her own to a place that more fits her own vision.
One thing though that I have found though post marriage is that each of the friendships and the few more serious relationships have taught me a lot about myself. And I'm better for each and every one of them including the ones that didn't work out. I'm not 25 filled with hormones and chivalric ideals. I'm 55, comfortable in my own skin and yes - a bit set in my ways.
Originally Posted by job
If I have offended you, please know that is not my intention. I am only looking at your situation from the outside and do not know all of the facts....just what you posted.
Job - if anyone in this world has earned the right - you certainly have.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Lol
I presume it's an Italian thing (?)