While I understand your point, he is also our MC and he is very pro marriage. He talks about that on every visit and he knows how I feel about it.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
She let me know today that she is seeing our MC as her IC about 3-4 times a month. She wouldn’t say what she was working with him on, but she did say it was to work through her feelings.
I told her I was proud of her and I would support her through it. She seemed very relieved that I felt that way and I encouraged her to keep going.
I hope this is a good sign.
IC will tell her what she wants to hear. If she wants D, then she will come home feeling like the IC "vindicated" that choice. That's just how IC's are, they are there to listen and validate, not to steer the direction the patient goes in.
In my experience, when I was in IC, they just asked me probing questions and just listened to what I had to say. They helped me sort out my thoughts, never steered me heavily in one direction or offered their personal insight. They just agreed and listened. Tried to get me to look deeper into why I was feeling the way I did.
Thank you everyone. I really enjoy getting your advice and thoughts.
Things had been going pretty well for a few days last week. She talked about wanting to be ‘like’ a family during webchat. I immediately turned that down and explained that we are not a family and I didn’t want to pretend like we were. I was irritated at that and I know my emotions showed. I hope I did the right thing.
In addition, these past 2 days have been horrible. She has been so cold and just mean on webchat.
I am trying to get off her emotional rollercoaster and I feel that I am. I just don’t engage when she is in that mood. She sent a ridiculously petty text accusing me of not doing something, to which I just responded I’m sorry she felt that way. I also told her there have been several times that she wasn’t doing the same thing and I would appreciate her understanding in this matter.
Again, I hope that was the right thing to do.
I just don’t understand why she has the highs and then the lows so much and it frustrates me!
While I understand your point, he is also our MC and he is very pro marriage. He talks about that on every visit and he knows how I feel about it.
I'm just saying not to get your hopes up, a lot of LBS's come here thinking IC or MC is going to turn things around and it never, ever does. Once you find your way here your W is so checked out that no amount of counseling is going to make a difference. All she wants right now is validation. I'll give you an example of how it played out for me, my XW and I went to MC (this was before I found DB'ing) and the C put us through all kinds of communication exercises and well and truly tried to get my XW to see the value in our marriage and the reasons to stay together. All my XW could say in response is "I'm just done and I don't know why, I can't explain it." At one point the C said "well maybe you need a trial separation to see how it goes" and wow, my XW suddenly perked up and got excited- "yes that sounds like a great idea!!!" So even though the MC was pro-marriage and was trying, in the end my XW only heard what she wanted to hear and she used it as an excuse to leave (I mean after all, the MC said it was a "good idea").
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She talked about wanting to be ‘like’ a family during webchat. I immediately turned that down and explained that we are not a family and I didn’t want to pretend like we were. I was irritated at that and I know my emotions showed. I hope I did the right thing.
Try not to show emotions but yes, telling her you wouldn't allow that is the right thing. She just wants to cake-eat- pursue her single life while playing family when it suits her. It's a fantasy most WAS's engage in.
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In addition, these past 2 days have been horrible. She has been so cold and just mean on webchat.
First why is that horrible, that's her problem not yours. Second why are you having web chats with her. If you're talking to her in person or on phone or whatever and she is being "horrible" then just tell her you're not going to engage if she's going to be like that, and if she continues it then say the convo is done and hang up or leave.
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I just don’t engage when she is in that mood.
Good!
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I just don’t understand why she has the highs and then the lows so much and it frustrates me!
Who knows, it could be some kind of chemical imbalance in her body, but the bottom line is that's what you're dealing with and it's not going to change anytime soon. So you have to act accordingly. Time, space, detachment!
Things had been going pretty well for a few days last week. She talked about wanting to be ‘like’ a family during webchat. I immediately turned that down and explained that we are not a family and I didn’t want to pretend like we were. I was irritated at that and I know my emotions showed. I hope I did the right thing.
I don't understand what it is she wants you to do that would be considered behaving like a family. You said you had to be there during the chat. What else does she want? My guess is that she wants the three of you to talk, not just her and the child. I think you wanted it, too, in the beginning.
When she sends petty texts, don't respond if there is no question. The more attention pettiness gets, the more it shows up.
How is GAL going this week? What are your plans for the weekend?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We been having what I feel are some good days and then we turn around and bad days. I just don’t get it.
In therapy I told her that I could always tell what mood she was in because I felt when she was sweet and talkative during webchats with our son, she was in a good mood. However when she was quiet, she was in a bad mood. It’s really funny because she said that I was the one that put her in those moods by my actions, though I’m not even talking to her before we webchat. In addition, she said she feels the same thing about me. It’s weird.
In addition, she was pushing for more bills to be separated this weekend. Yet when I told her I felt we were right back to square one, she said we were not. She said she was going to counseling with me, etc and was adamant about scheduling our next appointment. Yet this morning she pointed out that it was Coparenting and not MC. I’m just not interested in coparenting, as I feel it’s pointless with her. So I thanked her for making the appointment, but I told her I would not be attending coparenting, as I was only interested in MC.
Things had been going pretty well for a few days last week. She talked about wanting to be ‘like’ a family during webchat. I immediately turned that down and explained that we are not a family and I didn’t want to pretend like we were. I was irritated at that and I know my emotions showed. I hope I did the right thing.
I don't understand what it is she wants you to do that would be considered behaving like a family. You said you had to be there during the chat. What else does she want? My guess is that she wants the three of you to talk, not just her and the child. I think you wanted it, too, in the beginning.
When she sends petty texts, don't respond if there is no question. The more attention pettiness gets, the more it shows up.
How is GAL going this week? What are your plans for the weekend?
I just saw this on here, so I’m sorry for not responding.
Your guess is right. She just wanted to read books to our son with me on the phone, but that’s about it.
I try not to respond to petty texts, but she feels that a lot of mine are petty and won’t respond to them. I stopped texting her altogether unless she texts me. Even then, I’ll only respond with something I need to say.
GAL is going well, I think. I try to do some sport every day. I recently joined a gym, so I’m working out harder in addition to my daily neighborhood walk. I truly feel scatterbrained with everything going on right now, but I’m trying to push through it and do the best I can every day.
I really don’t want to go to coparenting therapy, though as I feel it just feeds her decision to leave. I don’t want to play along with it.
Your guess is right. She just wanted to read books to our son with me on the phone, but that’s about it.
She's hijacking your time with your son. She's the one who is tearing up the family, but she expects you to sit there and listen while she reads a book to the child? It's unrealistic, spoiled, and manipulative. When your child is staying with you.....that's your time to spend with him, not hers. That's how divorce looks! That's what she needs to see now. She wants to hold you hostage while she intrudes on daddy & son time. Unbelievable!
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GAL is going well, I think. I try to do some sport every day. I recently joined a gym, so I’m working out harder in addition to my daily neighborhood walk. I truly feel scatterbrained with everything going on right now, but I’m trying to push through it and do the best I can every day.
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I really don’t want to go to coparenting therapy, though as I feel it just feeds her decision to leave. I don’t want to play along with it.
Well, if this is an example of what the therapist is suggesting, I don't blame you for not wanting to attend.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So in MC, our therapist told me to stop sending negative texts about what this counseling is for. She also wants me to be more consistent with everything. I feel I already am, but not to her.
So since she is really sensitive to the negative texts, I decided to send her one sweet text in the morning and evening. I spoke to her about it on webchat and she told me it was a lot, but that she was processing it and thinking about it. I asked her if she wanted me to keep doing it or stop and she said no that it was nice and I could keep doing it if I wanted too. She told me to not get upset if she didn’t always respond, though. I told her I wouldn’t.
