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#2858307 07/23/19 01:25 PM
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ozman Offline OP
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Me 32. W. 30
T 10 years M 8
S 8

Bd 5-31-19
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ozman Offline OP
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She told neighbor it was just 1 lunch. But who knows. I’m back to where I was before I called PI yesterday


Me 32. W. 30
T 10 years M 8
S 8

Bd 5-31-19
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 732
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ozman Offline OP
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So I understand the purpose of DBing for myself. To basically correct my own bad behaviors, to become a better more self sufficient man and to get over my W if she decides not to come back?

Right?

Can you please tell me how it works to win your W back? The ins and the outs of how it works The science behind it

It will really help me implement it

Thank you


Me 32. W. 30
T 10 years M 8
S 8

Bd 5-31-19
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
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Originally Posted by ozman
So I understand the purpose of DBing for myself. To basically correct my own bad behaviors, to become a better more self sufficient man and to get over my W if she decides not to come back?

Right?

Can you please tell me how it works to win your W back? The ins and the outs of how it works The science behind it

It will really help me implement it

Thank you


No such thing. You are looking for the magic bullet still. You want us to say "Do XYZ, and she will come back." That doesn't exist.

And even if it did, Would you do it? Nothing worthwhile is easy. What if I told you that if you went to a lawyer today. Filed for D, then through D proceedings, got D'd. That a year from now she'd come to you wanting to get back together? Would you be willing to do all of that and wait a year? Or would you decide that was too hard, too long, and look for someone else to tell you to "wave this magic-wand" to snap your W out of it.

Here is the truth. Your sitch is stacked against you. Most of our sitches are or were. You have a lot of baggage, a lot of tough situations, a lot of bad past decisions all working against you. You have to prepare yourself for the worst. GAL. Detach. Work on your 180s.

Save yourself first. In the process she might get curious, desirous, or attracted back to you. Or she may leave for good. You are still trying to control what you cannot. And you will never be happy trying to control that which you cannot. It is virtually impossible because those things are diametrically opposed to one another.

Last edited by Steve85; 07/23/19 03:23 PM.

M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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What S said......here is the hard truth. Most people don't save their marriages before D. My estimation is that close to 95% or more of the people on this board end up in Divorce. I can only think of a handful of people that saved their marriages before D on this board. That is not a lot when compared to the number of people that post. However it is just an estimate because some people just stop posting.

After D I think it goes even higher. Yes, people recon after Divorce and people on this board can give examples of people they know but it is few and far between compared to the millions of people that get Divorced every year.

Truthfully it is more about your W than you. I considered myself a good DBer, LH told me I was a prodigy...lol. My XW never even sniffed in my direction once she left. You just don't really know which is why what you work on are things you would like to change about yourself and your actions should be that of a self-respecting man.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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I do get it. My chances are not good. I know the odds are against me However Steve told me my sitch is better than most

But that’s not what I was asking.

I was asking that if it does work. IF. Then why. How does the process work on her end? What happens to make her want to come back?


Me 32. W. 30
T 10 years M 8
S 8

Bd 5-31-19
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If she is in an EA or PA she isn't going to notice anything. It really depends on how far gone she is mentally out of your MR. Some women say they want a D but are really just scared and hope those words wake the H up.

Essentially her feelings toward you have to change and she has to view you in a different light. She has to start respecting you again.

How are you different now compared to when you first got married? How have you changed?


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2018
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Originally Posted by ozman
I do get it. My chances are not good. I know the odds are against me However Steve told me my sitch is better than most

But that’s not what I was asking.

I was asking that if it does work. IF. Then why. How does the process work on her end? What happens to make her want to come back?


The sitches where the WAW wanted to come back were sitches where the LBH DB'd his butt off....and earned her respect back. NOTE: That means there were times she was angry and hated him...but she respected him.

Ex: The other day when she said "They invited us to swim, want to?"

You said: "I was going to check out the pottery place." Then her tone changed to irritated. And you immediately said "okay, I'll swim."

Do you think that engendered respect? Of course not! This should have been your response:

"No, I have something I want to do. But have fun. Talk later, bye!" then hung-up.

She might have been irritated and angry. But she would respect you.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T You have to command that!

YOU CANNOT NICE HER BACK


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Also, I never said your sitch was better than most. And I certainly never said it meant you had better chances than most.

What I said was that your W was being cordial. And pleasant the majority of the time. And that there were many sitches where that wasn't the case, so those sitches were WORSE than yours. Again oz, avoid the temptation to only read and hear what you like. I continue to see you doing that.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Hi Oz, I just want to stick my head in and meet you. I've read your story, and it is absolutely heartbreaking. You were like a man trying to swim to save his own life, and then you met this girl who was drowning in her own sea of childhood issues. You grabbed hold of each other. She was the first person who made you feel "good enough". As you said, she was your "first" in many ways. IMHO, that factor adds a lot of extra emotional drama for you, b/c you can only imagine your life being over if the two of you broke up. Perhaps after your ordeal with brain cancer, you see your W as your emotional breathing machine that keeps you alive. You are dependent on her to stay alive.

You are not a loser, Oz. You survived a narcissistic mother and absent father. The people who were suppose to be your leaders during your childhood were sorry excuses for teachers/coaches. Constantly feeling you are not good enough will make you have an inferiority complex. Many things happened at a rapid speed once your W came on the scene. The two of you have had to deal with incredible challenges in such a short span of time. FWIW, my heart goes out to you. I don't know how helpful I can be, and I don't know if I can add anything to the advice you've previously received. I don't know much about autism. In reading your threads, I think I can see how you would feel overwhelmed and confused by many posts. Most posters (men, in particularly) don't write out long explanations, and if the newcomer doesn't grasp the interpretation.......the become more confused, and it does sound as if they are getting conflicting advice. So, don't beat yourself up.

Most of us here are in general agreement about the work of the LBS (using MWD's books as basic guidelines), but the way posts are presented, or the timing of a particular post may sound as if we are contradicting each other. I felt that you were asking the board to list (A,B,C) how you were to act at home with your W, b/c you were completely lost and confused in how to behave around her. We can try, but as one poster said, it is hard b/c we don't have a telescope looking inside your house to see what's going on. Anyway, I am going to make some suggestions, and hope it does not confuse more. I don't want to cause you anxiety, b/c that won't help.

Fair warning to anyone reading this post, it is not the usual advice seen in my post, and that's b/c I usually write about wayward wives. At this point, I'm not certain Oz's is wayward. Therefore, I am going to speak as if she is not, until we find out more.

Here are my suggestions to consider:

1. Since your depression is worse first thing in the morning, awake a few minutes before the family begins to stir. Choose something that gives you a clear head, gets the blood pumping, and inspires you. Maybe it's a brisk morning walk, enjoying the nature outside. (It must be quite a culture change moving from the farm to a large city.) How about listening to peppy music? I love songs that lift my mood and makes me want to dance, instead of slumped in a chair. Maybe you like quite time and had rather read one of the books that have been recommended. I don't know your preferences, but I know that you have identified the mornings being the time you struggle the most. So, you have to do something on purpose that will fight this morning depression/dread/fear.

2. When you see your W first thing in the morning, smile and say good morning. It's okay to discuss plans for that day, especially anything involving & revolving around your child.

3. When you leave the house, say good-bye to your W. I recommend this for your situation b/c you have a special needs child. She needs to know when you are leaving, so don't just walk out without saying anything. If you know about what time you will return, you can say, "I'll be home around --:-- o'clock". We don't give that same advice to some other people, but due to your particular sitch, I'd recommend you let her know. It is very stressful caring for a special needs child, and as a mother, I would think her not knowing if or when you will be there to give her much needed respite, would add to the already exiting stress.

4. If there is no schedule in a designated place both of you can see on the calendar, then there should be one that shows when you will be gone and when you will be available to stay with your son while she can have free time. Doctor appointments, teacher/parent meetings, etc., should be posted on this same calendar. Everyone needs to be on the same page. Write on the days you will cook dinner, instead of just posting and saying, "I'm cooking tonight". I think it would help lower the stress level, with her knowing what to expect. If you have a golf, chess, or something else you want to GAL, then check the calendar first. If she has already written in some type of GAL activity for herself, then either reschedule your plans or see if she would agree to reschedule hers. It doesn't hurt to be considerate. Unless I hear you tell us something different, I suggest you show politeness and consideration. That does not mean you become a doormat.

5. If she sends a text while you are working or GAL, I think it is fine to respond, since you have a special needs child. Right now, we aren't certain if she is wayward or not, so considering what I've read thus far, I recommend you answer her texts........unless she gets unruly, or won't leave you in peace to work. Know what I mean?

6. When you arrive home from work, smile and say hello. She may want to talk when you first come home, b/c some women do. On the other hand, she may need space from you and son. That would be a good time for you and son to go off to yourself, or maybe she'll leave for a few minutes, and you can use daddy & son time. However, if she leaves every evening for hours at a time.......then we may have to change this up a little bit.

7. While you and W are home together, try to relax your mind & body. If you want to watch tv and she's in the family room watching it already, just sit in your favorite chair and start watching. Don't change the channels or some jerk type behavior. Don't "ask" if you can sit down in and watch tv "with" her. This is your house, too. Just don't take advantage by sitting next to her on the couch, try to hold hands, stroke her hair, and things of that nature. Don't "watch" her all the time. It's one to make eye contact when she says something, but it is creepy when a man just sits and watches a woman.

8. Don't take things so personally. If she leaves the room to go do something in another room, don't make a big deal about it. Don't analyze it. Just let it go and don't wrestle with the thoughts you create. If she has plans to go out and won't tell you much about the details, don't press her. Don't hover over her. Don't sit and watch her while she gets dressed to leave. Use this time to be with your son, read a book, etc.

9. It's important that your presence doesn't pressure her. If your body language is saying anything close to what I am readying in your posts, then she could feel as if you are sucking the air out of her. She is going through something, and the more you show neediness and wanting reassurance from her, the more she feels desperate to push away so she can get oxygen to breathe. That doesn't mean you are a horrible person. It just means she is going through something and feels you are smothering her. When she is suffering from her childhood physical injuries, don't hover near her, watching her, and looking helpless as she tries to deal with it in her own way. I know you mean well, but right now, it is working on her last nerve, so back the heck off. If it is a new injury, like her ankle she was showing you and saying how much it hurt, ask her if she wants medical attention. If not, then ask her if you can get her an ice pack, medicine or do something to ease her pain. If not, then don't continue pushing the issue. She'll tell you if she needs something. You can show concern/empathy. I'm not saying to be cold about it.

Asking a lot of questions and picking her for information, is smothering her. Trying to help her with whatever she is doing at the moment, is smothering for some women when they have asked for space. You seem to want to work "with" her, but you don't have to work in the same room, standing right by her side, or even working on the same project. Am I making sense? If you seriously see nothing that needs to be done around the house and need her to explain what she needs help with, maybe you could suggest a "Honey do" list. Then she could keep the list on the frig or wherever, and add to it daily. That way, she doesn't have to get irritated with you that she has to point out what needs to be done.

10. If she has not asked for a separation or divorce, and if she is not sleeping separately from you, and if she's not in some type of an affair.........I would not jump into drastic LRT yet. Now, if she bullying you, showing disrespect, acting as if she has a sense of entitlement......then we can discuss how to respond. I don't remember anything jumping out at me that suggested she was. With that said, I am not saying you should throw yourself all over her. Respect her wishes and give her breathing room. Your near escape with death has left you very clingy and fearful of losing your emotional breathing machine......which is your W. Women are strong in many ways. Some are even stronger than men. However, when her H becomes too emotionally draining or demanding of her, there is danger in her getting really tired and irritated with him. She feels he's drained her dry, and she needs a man who can stand on his own two feet without her having to emotionally nurse him. The level of sexual attraction/desire begins to drop. Her feelings are affected b/c her respect is slipping. It's how women are wired when it comes to our H. We are usually nurturing & emphatic creatures, and we can show plenty to our H.......up to a point. You see, we need our H to be emotionally stronger than us. Women are very emotional beings, and it is difficult for us to put those thoughts and feelings in categorical terms like men do. Everything is tied together and effects us emotionally, and eventually, physically.

I believe this M can be saved, Oz. I think it needs lots of help from professional sources. I would say the majority of the board members are not qualified to give you & your W the type of help you desperately need. We only have one side of the picture from you. I understand what it is like to only have $20 in the bank. I've been there! It would make me so angry if someone suggested I do this or that, when we were almost destitute. As Steve pointed out, there are free programs out there. It's often based on your income, but there are other avenues to check out. If she is an atheist and wouldn't receive spiritual counseling, then check with your son's school and see if there are counseling programs for the parents. Some schools offer respite programs for the parents, where the couple can have an evening out alone, or take a weekend away, etc. With all that's been going on since son was born, the two of you probably haven't had many date nights.

Both of you have issues that go deep before you ever met. Apparently, you got a sorry counselors who gave you no help. There are several out there, but there are some highly qualified, as well. You just have to keep trying until you find the healthy source that teaches you and W how to cope with these problems the skills needed to repair damage in the MR. We can give you support and do our best to help. However, the more different sources you hear, the more you may become confused. You see, everyone doesn't give the same advice on the board, in books, in churches, or in offices of various therapists.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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