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Yeah be careful here. I am sure anything she spends towards the house in this scenario will come off any monies you receive from the sale. Listen to your L regarding all of this. I am just a logical layman!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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One of my adult kids that's divorced has gone through many of those special events in life already. There has only been one large event that was in a public setting with hundreds of people in attendance. Their family and our family did not sit together, and I never saw them until after the event. We said our hellos and acted like we would treat a friendly cashier. There is no animosity between my child's former in-laws and us, but we don't run in the same circles and we don't hold celebrations together. Everyone has moved on, remarried, and have their separate celebrations with the kids. Our GD gets two BD celebrations per year, two Thanksgivings, two Christmases, etc. The two families have managed to work together well in setting days for celebrations. You discover that Christmas or a birthday celebration doesn't have to be on the calendar date, but whenever the family (with grandparents, etc.) can celebrate together. We have one on our side, and they have one on their side. So far, it has worked fine and nobody has tried to be unpleasant or uproot plans for the other family.

If she has a wedding some day, I feel confident we all will be civil, polite, and treat each other respectfully. I have discovered that weddings can be the most trying times in the best of families, so I might need to start praying now. smile If she has children one day, I think both family members will be at the hospital together and looking at the newest generation coming into both sides of her family. (Now I am getting teary-eyed).

The first year after their split was the hardest for all of us. It affects the entire family when those special occasions arrive. My suggestion is to make sure you are not the one who is trying to intentionally cause an upset, trouble, or pain for the other spouse or members of her family. Don't act out of anger, spite, bitterness, pride, etc. Do what you believe is the right thing to do. ((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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That's my biggest problem is pride, stubborness and I try not to be reactive and vindictive, it gets stirred up sometimes, but I do my best not to act on it. Just when I think I've relinquished it it rears its ugly head again. Something I need to change. Pride is what got me in this mess in the first place. 5 days ago I was willing to put aside differences for the sake of our son and do the party jointly... W also asked me to come down to friends D birthday party after I was done with OT Sat. I asked her if she wanted me there or if she needed space. She said let me think about it. She was flip-flopping between having me there or just coming down to pick up S1. So i asked her to let me know by Friday otherwise I'll make plans for Saturday I told her. I decided it was best I just let her be down there with S1 at the party with all her friends.

I however was actually excited about the both of us planning my son's birthday party at first. I was the one that came up with the idea for the venue. Since she wanted to start planning it with me jointly. I was also invited to another birthday party over the weekend. She also want to go to my cousin's house to see her new house with me and S1 that is the only occasion that we have considered doing jointly together outside our son's birthday. I decided to retract the cousins visit together and do it separate. Then I decided to retract doing the son's birthday together. My problem is I'm still continually reacting to how much he is progressing in the S/D process. There are some days we have some really good long talks but it still goes nowhere and she still keeps losing more and more towards divorce. I still haven't posted that conversation on here yet. I'm still somewhat suspect that she is in a EA too but I don't have 100% proof. Just clues. Again some days were nice with one another and other days it's just business as usual and other days it's just silence, and constant tension. When she's tense time im calm and when I'm calm she's tense. When she gets tense about her timeline and how she wants proceed with things and I state that I'm not ready for that until I speak with the lawyer she gets all bent out of shape and emotional and a little bit hostile and then we come down again. Both of our emotions are all over the map the time I where we are what we're doing how are day was what's going on and how we're proceeding.

I never know when I'm doing the right thing around here and everything's always on a time schedule. (Which I totally understand and I'm grateful for your help.) But by the time someone gets words of wisdom back to me here on what to do I've already have had to make a decision and sometimes I don't know if I'm making the right one out of pride or honor or vindicism or what? I'm not confident in my abilities to make decisions through all this because of my emotions and my logic and my reactivity getting in the way of another. Basically when she moves forward I move forward and when she steps back I step back. It's not difficult to understand what everyone here has been telling me and telling other people with their situation over the last several months. It's and when to apply it. Balance, timing, good judgement, etc.

I don't know what's the right thing to do. Then there's the decision of am I doing right by? Myself? Or my son. Am I protecting myself from getting emotional at a joint family occaision? Or am being perceived as being spiteful and flip floppy with my feelings, based on which direction we are headed in at any given day. It's a constant internal struggle. I don't show it but I know she can sense it. I get so confused around here when I need answers and I'm asking for advice because of everyone else's situations and what I read and timing of everything if when I need to apply it by.. (Please don't misread this as me being blaming in anyway.) I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face or be hardnosed unless necessary. What I'm trying to say is I can read the Vets here saying in one instance stop allowing the playing family and cake eating, then Sandi will giving some very insightful well articulated compassionate advise. If I knew for a fact whether my W was WW or WAW. It would be a game-changer for me. All the signs are there and the probable cause is there I have been there since January. But there's no proof. Either way she doesn't have any romantic feelings for me is somewhat scared of me so she professed before. Looks at me as a friend in this sorry she's hurting me but not the cost of her happiness. Is 99.9% certain she wants divorce, and any resistance I put up towards her as far as on her timeline about selling the house just drives her further to it. The only thing that keeps her hesitant is fear and insecurity of her own. She is fairly confident now she is not making a mistake. I am however cooperating with her and all of this now. The Mediation, all the paperwork, but not before I check my rights, and secure myself. ( I will get into my other story sometime when I have the chance to write it up to about all of the verbal discussions we had last week, what was discussed how she said things to me.)

I don't want to be just her friend, and I don't want to play familybtowards doing family things together when we are not together. On the other hand I want to do things right by son. Me flip-flopping like this all the time given everyone's input at certain given times. And me being able to make a decision based on the day-to-day circumstances that changes too, is killing any consistency of mine. But I'm doing my best to remain consistent in behavior, attitude, emotion, and decisions.

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thanks sandi

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Thanks Steve85 too.

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Originally Posted by IHCLACS


I never know when I'm doing the right thing around here and everything's always on a time schedule. (Which I totally understand and I'm grateful for your help.) But by the time someone gets words of wisdom back to me here on what to do I've already have had to make a decision and sometimes I don't know if I'm making the right one out of pride or honor or vindicism or what? I'm not confident in my abilities to make decisions through all this because of my emotions and my logic and my reactivity getting in the way of another. Basically when she moves forward I move forward and when she steps back I step back. It's not difficult to understand what everyone here has been telling me and telling other people with their situation over the last several months. It's and when to apply it. Balance, timing, good judgement, etc.

I don't know what's the right thing to do. Then there's the decision of am I doing right by? Myself? Or my son. Am I protecting myself from getting emotional at a joint family occaision? Or am being perceived as being spiteful and flip floppy with my feelings, based on which direction we are headed in at any given day. It's a constant internal struggle.


IHC - you do realize that you've basically described what life is...

I feel for ya buddy. I'm in the same boat.

I think we are all kinda just making this all up as we go along.

That's the thing about life. What do you want out of it? How do you want to live? And do the people in your life want the same thing as you? Are they ok being on the journey with you, a journey where no one knows any of the "right" answers?

Sometimes you gotta roll with the punches and let the dice fall where they may. It may not be what you originally wanted but sometimes in life we don't get what we want and that's ok too.

Stay strong man smile

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Thanks IW. Ive been used to rolling with the punches my whole life. I'm sure some people can get exhausted by it. I think I'm ok with S. Had another discussion about L appointment. Asked for any docs needed. Had a few honest questions and honest answers tonight. Made sure W was ok with me deciding to do S1 birthday separate and wasn't upset by my decision. Got into a brief argument once again about something she never said to me she thought she did. She set up an addition consultation with another mediator. We did discus the night prior after our 1st consultation. That she would setup the next one of her choice. I was never notified that she made an appointment for tonight at 5pm. She says she told me. I went through 2 hours of accountability that she even bore witness to at times she thought she told me. Same old same old. Blames me for things she never notified me on. But anyways we both laughed it off, I smiled and I just said kindly notify me by email as we have been doing to prevent this kind of thing again as we have been doing for the last several months. Instead of this he said she said dysfunctional dynamic of ours doesn't continue.

I think we both want to decide on D once we have some space and clarity. She still wants me to move to the basement if I decide to stay in the home the next 8 to 10 months once I consult with L to decide which way is best for me to go. But she needs to refinance fast to make the mortgage payment next month because she is broke. I am not partaking in any financial expenditure with her other than current obligations. I decided to take a few moments to think about the basement move and reply back to her. She says she really needs her sense of space to focus on improvements. We went back and forth about how I am interrupting her life or interfering with her improvements in any way, and its not fair for me to move. But I entertained it for a few moments. I told her I would think about it. Then got back to her in 10 min. Why it wouldn't work for me with laundry, company noise, etc.... Maybe I will consider it just to actually have a sense of space myself. We'll see. Ideally she wants separate living quarters but can settle with me living in basement. I don't see the basement working out for me so?... No.. But I will still consider it silently for both our benefit. I think we both ideally want to do the right thing by each other, and not screw each other over. I will be helpful and friendly until any boundaries are crossed. Time to focus on me now. I want to change for real this time and for the better. I think Im finally starting to accept what is and put the W on the shelf and start focusing on my improvements now. Peace and honesty is so much easier than holding onto all this stuff and holding stuff in.

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Got in from L consultation tonight. $350 for them just to review assets and liabilities. Note to self. (Lawyers don't educate you on process, talk a lot and ask a lot of questions more related to $ and not laws.) Probably would require a retainer to answers those questions. Lol... But I did pick up a few things. Didn't realize marital debts are individual and joint debts. Just thought they were joint. Pretty much reffered me to a mediator to start drawing up paperwork for financials and told me to stay put im home until MOU or divorce is settled regardless of what W wants to do with Refi, getting me out of house with buyout, or offering partial buyout asap. My head was spinning a little when I left from all the talking of L. Need to educate myself more on the actual process. Next time I think I could use more visual presentation.

Im at that point where I'm starting to feel confident most of the time of myself. I'm putting the W and the sich down on the shelf. Im tired of always playing with it in the back of my mind. I'm making a new change list this evening categorized in all the areas of improvement I would like to make regarding health, habits, desires, hobbies, spiritual, financials, behavioral etc. I started that back in January but abandoned it. In going to start slow and small and implement them with DISCLIPINE for 28 days until it sticks, one at a time. Time to live for me and get back to me again.
I have to regain my confidence in my life by not only exploring the things I once lived and put down for practical reasons, but also try new things. I AM THE ONE THAT HAS TO CHANGE to live a fruitful life, regardless of outcome. I almost feel like I'm 26 again starting where I left off. Dancing, writing music, self improvement, etc. You know? Single.. July 26th would have been our 12th dating anniversary. Oh well?...

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[censored] to read all these sitch's not working out. I feel for you - that's all I can say.


H 37
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S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
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So W texted me saying she wanted to discuss the 3rd mediator she called when I got home. So we started discussing the details again about Refi, her agenda to have me out by August. She cannot afford to pay the mortgage for August, has taken half of my tax monies from 2018 and has been living off of that for a bit. We had a discission back in March that She was explicitly going to bank the tax returns to pay mortgage for August. Now She doesn't remember ever saying such things, and thinks Im pulling it out of my a$$. We also originally agreed that since I had double insurance, my policy of my own through work, and I was also on her health insurance as well, that I was going to remain on it, and pay for my portions out of house sale divided monies when house sold. She doesn't remember that now either! I documented all these conversations months ago. The only reason why I even stayed on our insurance was for the health mental health benefits. My insurance had a $5,000 deductible on mental health when I was attended therapy. So I use her insurance for the $5 copay until the insurance companies find out that I had a primary and I was on her secondary and they didn't want to pay out for mental health coverwgebage. I have terminated my mental health counseling and my insurance with my W effective immediately. Without even telling me she's been using the tax money to pay other things and use my portions of it.

She was going to consult with a family attorney that we originally closed on our house, I advised her to do so. I explained my position of what I was advised by my attorney, not to leave the home until MOA is drawn up, all marital assets and liabilities are addressed and plugged in, CS is plugged in, etc. and goes to attorney review, etc. I am going to call one more mediator, that the attorney recommend. W heard of this mediator also from SIL. W was upset that I was consid ER ing hiring an attorney, not only because of cost puppy cuz she thinks that an attorney is going to fight tooth and nail for every asset and drag this out which circumvents the point of even using a mediator. I explained to her that I need to consult with one to protect my legal rights as far as my vested interests as well as custodial with S1. That I'm not trying to drag my heels intentionally or being facetious and vindictive in anyway I just need legal advice how to proceed forward to protect my interests. That she can expect a refinance a mortgage without me on it since I won't commit to it and only give me a small portion as incentive to move out, and the other portions goes towards a joint consolidated debt.

I attempted to explain to her that she may have her own agenda and timeline, and I understand that she needs to protect herself but I also need to protect myself as well. She became even more upset and she indicated that she was tired of being held back and held captive all throughout the last 12 years, that everything was always on my timeline. She felt that I held her back in life. So I validate the best I could and said to her I'm sorry if you felt that way that I was holding you back, but we are on two different timelines with two different agendas right now. It's not fair to me that you are choosing to leave the marriage and you are on your own timeline in the agenda and you are trying to push me out within a month. She then got upset and said that she managed to pack up all her stuff in the last 3 months, why couldn't I? Because I wasn't prepared to leave I stated. That this is your choice not mine. and that you have changed their mind three times about the house depending on the circumstances. Originally she wanted me to live in the basement and stay here for the next year back in January. then she start looking at apartments and wanted to get out of here and she wanted me to buy her house and I definitely wasn't comfortable with that and taking on the home mortgage note by myself on my income. She decided consult with a realtor and attempted but failed to put the house in the market 2 months ago, was going to sell it and miss the market window. now she has to wait until next year to put it on market. now she wants to refinance and keep it for the next year and she just buying time with it before she puts on the market next year and she wants me out as soon as possible. I asked her what is the primary concern and the hurry for the Refi? Is it mainly because you just need money to pay the mortgage for August or do you really want me out of the house that bad and need your space? Again she started getting upset and then she went to a room and close the door. she went on Facebook Messenger for about 10 to 15 minutes I've been developing a pattern with that with her at certain times of the night . So I left her alone. She then came out and made a cappuccino. I decided to take S1 to the park to give her space and leave her alone and get the hell out of the drama. I said we will see you later in a very pleasant voice and left.

So I sent her a quick text while I was at the park. I probably shouldn't have and should have just left it alone.

H: I know you are a ball of stress at the moment. But in case you just want to put these things down for a little while and have some fun with S1 We will be here. He is having a great time climbing the jungle gym.

W:I just need some quiet at the moment, but I'd love pictures/videos.

H: I know. I know you need QT and space, which is why I took S1 out of the house and to park.(S1 was getting upset.). Im trying to be considerate of your feelings. Oooh I think we are about to make some new friends here.

I got home about an hour later and her car was gone the whole house smells like perfume. So I figured she must have messed with somebody on Facebook messenger and went out.

W found more short books on single parenting. Singleness. How to be single and satisfied. Successful parenting, Self-worth discover your God-given worth, codependency balancing unbalanced relationships,
And verbal and emotional abuse. By June Hunt. Looks like something you pick up off a shelf at a consultation.

I am sick and tired of being vilified by her. I understand the pain she's going through trying to find herself, her worth, her happiness, etc. But how in the world am I responsible for holding her back She is her own person, that makes her own choices? She always thinks I'm standing in her way. She Journaled back in 2013 that she was willing to leave me because we had to house shop for for our home, we took a year and doing so but she wanted me to do it on her timeline and her expectations. Same thing with the baby and IVF because I was infertile. She blamed all that on me too. That everything always had to be on my timeline. She wanted the house she got it she wanted the baby she got it, she want to always go out and have fun with her friends and she got it. she want to explore new Endeavors with her life as far as health coaching and nutrition and all these other things that interest her and she always drop the commitments to them. When I tried to hold her to be accountable for responsibility in the home she just wanted to sit on the couch like a lump and be depressed most of the time. I didn't even ask for much. The only thing I ever expect from her was a clean sink that wasn't full of dishes all the rest I could let go. We always try to hammer it out with the division of labor but one of us would always fall by the wayside and honoring our agendas or she didn't feel like it. every time I tried to encourage her to go walking with me exercise with me or go out with me she would never feel like it's why I left her be throughout the marriage. And in doing so I pursued my own hobbies and interests and then she wondered why I was so removed from her. It's like she's blaming her whole misery on me why she can't lose weight while she can't have her space why she can't be comfortable around me, why she didn't get the travel as much as she wanted to. now she wants to go on all these Adventures but realizes they're not realistic with a one-year-old like single mom RV camping. she's absolutely crazy she's trying to find happiness outside of herself and she doesn't realize that it has to come from within the she has to choose it. I'm tired of being gas-lit for all of all of the problems in her life. When she lacked the discipline she lacked the commitments, these were all her choices and I'm to blame for them apparently. I'm so sick of being vilified that I'm emotionally and verbally abusive I know I'm a little rough around the edges, and I try to empathise and understand where people are coming from. But when people throw temper tantrums when they don't get their way and then try to blame you for it it's really revolting.

I just want to get through this process and get this done I am so over this $hit. I don't know who this person even is anymore i just want to get on with my life, get into my own place and get totally focused on myself ASAP. Without getting legally or financially railroaded. I have no desire to R, or ever consider her again. Im debating if I should what her posted divorce through after we get to mediation setup, or should I just push it through myself and be done with it. Too much trust has been broken this is irreparable, and granted I'm the one that may be contributed to some of the problems throughout the marriage she's the one that brought it to this. I saw her true colors long before I even married her and I should have known her level of commitment not only to herself but to me. she gave herself away to everyone's and it was nothing left of her and I understand that and she does honestly need to rebuild her life and find herself. but I can tell that this is a person that will always be searching for happiness outside themselves in external things and never try to fill it for themselves and in themselves. They can never be fully satisfied or conten or grateful at any one moment given in time. and if they are, their future expectations are never clearly worded or communicated, or I certainly addressed working to find a resolution rather than just complain about it, and why they're so unhappy because of other people.

I can't wait to just get this over and done with and get on with my life because this is absolute Insanity where I'm always being accused of not remembering things when I write them down when I least discuss significant things and yes I do forget things every now and again but she totally rewrites things in her head so many times which is why I just stopped communicating with her all together and told her send it through email and she even botches that up too. She conveniently acknowledges the things that benefit her but ignores the rest.

Last edited by IHCLACS; 07/25/19 11:20 PM.
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