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You are so right. I look at today and whilst I stood my ground on some s*tty behaviour, yeah I was bothered by my inability to stop being nice. She talked a lot to me today, about how so and so wants us to come over. As if we were married. She talked about how she still felt worry about how we bought the house (we bought, before sold) and doesn't like the house. I talked her down because I knew where this was heading (into a tirade about our relationship). Ten minutes later, she says she loves living here.

Sandi, You've clarified what I know deep down I've had to do all along. Because I hate this sitch and I know if it drags on, I'm the one who will leave. Which saves her the work of course. I've been too chicken.

It's Monday tomorrow. A new week. I'm going to make this promise. I don't care if the s*t will fly. It's going to hit her hard and I need to do something.

I promise that:
- SMS and phone rules are in force, exception being kids logistics
- All family events stop, barring Sons Bday which is in two weeks. This includes family get togethers on the weekend. If asked why I reply: "I'm not your husband, you fired me remember? I'm single and have no desire to be friends with someone who disrespects me" (to quote her lines)
- I will book my calendar
- I will pop on DB Forums in a week to post an update
- You can put me in my place if I don't follow through

Wish me luck


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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I actually physically feel sick. First day I keep chats to minimal. She already picks up on the change and snaps that I don't want to be with her. I book in three GALs this week though! I come home and she's cold as ice. Because probably I never asked about her day. I'm going out tonight and for whatever reason she's decided not to make dinner. Something about can't make spaghetti bol because I didn't make the sauce on the weekend. I said of course not, you wanted to cook on the w/e so I never made it. I ask her if she is asking me to cook now. She says no. Fine.

So she's picking a fight. I'm killing time with my son before kids complain of being hungry. I can't help think this is a ploy to guilt me to cook so I miss my GAL. She's just reading a book. But I know kids will watch YouTube until well after I'm gone. She never asked me to cook, her problem.

Wow, first day, didn't think it'd be this hard. Don't mean to be sexist, bur I know she's on her period so emotions are running high. I'm putting on a cheery front. But ef me. Wait when I decline family time. It's going to be just aweful that convo.

But you know, i feel relief. Relief that I'm doing the right thing for me. And it will end one way or another.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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Man i did a pretty bad job today. She totally rattled me. Like she saw me coming. I stayed cheerful, but it was clear i was avoiding her. I reread Sandi's rules. Number 19, show her your someone to hang around. Really hard when you're to be sparse on the talk and avoiding. Always another day. Think of her as a good housemate I guess.

But glad GAL worked out today. Lifted my mood. Got another one later in the week, can't wait.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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Originally Posted by Josh_T
Man i did a pretty bad job today. She totally rattled me. Like she saw me coming. I stayed cheerful, but it was clear i was avoiding her. I reread Sandi's rules. Number 19, show her your someone to hang around. Really hard when you're to be sparse on the talk and avoiding. Always another day. Think of her as a good housemate I guess.

But glad GAL worked out today. Lifted my mood. Got another one later in the week, can't wait.


I am not sure why LBSs are so blind to nuance. Not starting conversations, not being around her all the time, and in general "avoiding her" (though I think that is a false characterization of what we advocate) doesn't mean you aren't "hanging" around. Not hanging around is kicking her out of the house or moving out yourself. Filing for D, and moving on completely. As in that you give-up at the first sign of marital problems. Leaving for good is not the same as giving her the time and space that SHE ASKED FOR.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Wow. What an evening. She already detected my lack of response to sms today. Said she doesn't like how we're communicating. Then said she's lonely and why don't you spend time with me. I said it's no longer my obligation as you fired me as husband. Then comes the twist. "At least a flatmate cares, i cant live with you". I said well you can move out (she got me). Then comes an attempt at discussing selling the house because "don't you know the law? It doesn't work that way." I'm calm. I said come back with a proposal and then we'll talk. I then said I'm leaving. Which I did.

My god. What sort of person is this? I was really happy at dinner. Chatty and it was friendly. Suddenly it degenerates to this. Anyhow I'm in my car, calming down. I pull the cake away and what a tantrum. Petulant indeed.

I'd actually be happy if she moved out. I can't take her attitude much longer. And I'm curious about "her proposal". If she'll follow through with something. Should be interesting because it won't be fair. I can't say if she'll follow through or not. Let's see.

I admit yesterday i was avoidant and she picked up on that like a hawk. Today i wasn't. All friendly. Just avoiding sms.

I also like how she said "but we wont use lawyers because we can work it out". Dunny phrase to say.

Anyhow i need to vent. I'm too agitated.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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I come back home. She's lockes in her room. I joke with the kids. She eventually comes out, friendly. Complains about her job, complains about something else, she's about to cry, throws in a barb about me being mean. I validate her "terrible situation". She's thankful, says she won't remember this in six months, than disappears to have a bath.

Standard "mean to me" response when people say things they don't like.

I'm guessing she's way off kilter with things? I didn't throw a big fight, still positive and friendly.

I feel I'm WAY out of my depth here. I'd never do this, I've never felt this sick in the stomach before. Deep down I feel this is right. Maybe it's too late to stand up. Maybe she has to move out and LRT kicks in. But in a weird way thi feels right. I've pulled the cake from the spoiled WAW. What friend fantasy world is she living in?

It's absolutely #$&%ed how i feel my sitch is but everyone here, thank you for giving me the courage to step up. I've changed tremendously before I came here and I feel more so since. I noticed the other day I was driving more assertively, a reflection of how I'm feeling inside.

I will get through this one way or another. And I know this is just the beginning. I'm not apologising for the back to back posts, only NG would do that.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
Joined: Jan 2019
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Josh I'm nearing towards the beginning of the end phase of the whole selling the house/mediators/lawyers thing. We had these kind of snarky conversations months ago. Now I understand that their mindset is they don't want to use lawyers for whatever reasons whether it be due to financial constraints or because they're cheating. Mine is aware that I'm seeking lawyers council and consultation, because I was adamant not to proceed forward with mediation until I know my rights with regards to child custody and division of assets and home to make best informed decision on whether we should use mediation services or not.. She made it a point last night that of we use a L it will get more expensive. But of course only if it goes to trial. She has already met with a L/mediator which wants a retainer of $4000-$5000 just for mediation services. We are still price shopping for mediators.
She made it another point that most L consultations are not free (This is where I kept my mouth shut because I'm paying for time with the lawyer this Wednesday.) So I can figure out how to proceed forward with house cell division of assets by out refinance and child custody. We got in an argument months ago about equally dividing our time with our child and she started throwing remarks about the law at me. I would challenge her asking her will how do you know that and she couldn't answer.

For most of you on here why do they Advocate going to Easy Peasy route without the L. Is it because of money or is it because they're hiding something and don't want to get caught? What's the general scenarios with everyone on this?

Last edited by IHCLACS; 07/23/19 09:39 AM.
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My POV is that she's cheap and has this allusion that we are going to be friendly about it. My sitch is that she had this fantasy about me living near by, she keeps the rental unit, house goes into trust for kids, blah blah. So no L needed right? Well it could also be more devious in that she knows its a rotten deal for me. I'm giving her the benefit that she's just cheap. In any event she needs to do the work and and I'll be oh so friendly about it, but in the back end, you bet l will be using an L for advise. I will keep L from her best I can, at least until we agree and I need something drawn up. But let's see. Ball is with her. My first real 48hr of hard DB (rather soft until now) so I have NFI if she is all talk or will actually walk.

Last funny bit. Just before bed she temp checks AGAIN. "Will you do this errand for me tomorrow?". Me: "no, good night". She then does "some laundry?" and goes to bed. I feel aweful inside but find it funny because she is way off with my assertiveness. And I haven't blinked. I feel proud actually, that I actually did it.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
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Yeah its hard to understand their minds because just like us they are all over the place with emotion and logic proceeding forward. This whole thing is like 4D chess emotionally financially physically logistically etc. Have to play on multiple chess boards. Its exhausting.

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One of the things I did that sobered my WAW/WW fast was contact a lawyer. The "quick and easy" D is a delusion of the WAW/WW. Don't fall for it. Think logically, not financially. People make terrible decisions in the name of trying save a buck. D is expensive no matter which way you go. Get a lawyer and make sure your bases are covered.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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