The weekend was a lot of fun. Golf was awesome. Man...I should have played golf when I was a teenager. I think I could have been pretty good at it. Friday was the second time I’ve played in about 20 years. I had two awesome holes...one on a par four when I got my team on the green in two shots (we birdied) and the other on a par three when I got us there in one. Afterwards was a steak dinner and a raffle. I won three prizes including a $200 gift certificate for three sessions of “release and heal” with something called emotion code. I have no idea what it is but I don’t feel like I need it....I’m plenty healed. So... I gave it to my son’s friend’s mom whose husband left in January and is likely having an affair (he won’t admit it). They were together for 26 years and he is not being a good dad so she is really struggling. He’s dressing in new clothes, on a new diet, going on weekend getaways and not really seeing his children. Some men really, really s#ck. Despite my STBXH’s epic lies, I am grateful he is trying to be a good dad to our kids. He texted me yesterday that our daughter had a great weekend on the farm (his affair’s family farm) and they took her to see some logger sports.
Saturday morning was spent with some mommy-son time. My S11 and I went out for lunch and then drove to a community about 30 minutes away to play mini golf. Unfortunately, the mini golf place was beyond crowded and neither of us felt like waiting 20 minutes at each hole just to make a few putts so we made the decision to bail. We stopped at the grocery store on the way home and picked up some snacks for his sleepover. The friend whose mom I mentioned was staying overnight. He arrived at around 3:30 and Jack came over about an hour later. I made burgers for everyone and S11 and his friend played video games while Jack and I played some pool. We all went to bed at around midnight and I got up early so I could make everyone pancakes before my sister and I left for the US. Left S11 and his friend with my STBXH’s mom (so love having a built-in babysitter!!) and my sister and I headed off.
Had an amazing experience about five minutes into our ferry ride. We saw humpback whales breaching!!! We’ve been taking that ferry for most of our lives and have never seen that before... dolphins and killer whales but never humpbacks. Took over an hour to get across the border. Stopped at the outlets and did a bit of shopping before heading to the hotel. Spent the rest of the day at the casino and we went to bed at around midnight having broken even for the day (including the food we ate) which is a win in our books. This morning we are heading out to do some more shopping and then back to the casino for another night of gambling.
Lots of reflection time last night. At dinner, my STBXH texted me about the weekend and we exchanged a couple of pleasant news-type texts. My sister commented how nice it was the we could be pleasant with each other. I told her it is easy to do when you are detached and that his actions no longer affected me emotionally in any significant way so I am really stable emotionally. She told me she is really proud of me for handling things the way I have and that she is happy for me that I have found a new normal and am pretty much thriving. We talked a bit about my R with Jack. I told her that for once in my life, I am not throwing myself into a relationship and not thinking about the “what ifs” of the future. For now, he is exactly what I need and I think he feels the same way about me. Both of us are living in the present and it is working. Next weekend is my STBXH’s weekend with the kids so Jack is going to spend it with me. Looking forward to it. We really do have a lot of fun together and despite his sparse communication during the week, when he is over, I have 100% of his attention and I love, love, love how physically affectionate he is. That is something that was really missing from my MR the last five years and I didn’t realize how much I was missing it until all of this happens. It feels wonderful just to be me again.
Well...gotta get out of bed to shower and start my day. Love and (((HUGS))) to all of you out there in DB land!!!
Life sounds pretty awesome over there. And seeing humpback whales is really amazing.
Your bit on friends that can’t do math - lol. Interesting what people choose to see or not. I had some friends like that as well. Oh well, you and I are better with that pruned from our respective lives.
So a pool shark. Now a golf pro. Up next lawn croquet.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks for popping by DnJ. It is going pretty well here. The humpback whales were such a surprise. What an incredible sight that was.
Got up super early this morning wondering why the heck I didn’t just take the entire day off. Another successful weekend hanging with my sister. We played the slots a ton on both days and ate lots of unhealthy food...lol. And after all that... we both returned home with $20 more than what we went with. Sets us up for another weekend away soon. Caught a ferry home and I basically went right to work.
After work I returned to an empty house. STBXH texted to see if he could bring the kids home tonight instead of tomorrow morning. MIL’s car was home but she wasn’t. At around 8:30, I hear voices coming from downstairs and my kids come running up. I ask my S11 how he got in and he tells me he was with his grandmother so came through her place. Turns out the whole family...my kids, my STBXH’s mom, him and his affair were at the affair’s grandmother’s birthday party. Apparently her grandma and my MIL are going to be friends and take their dogs to the dog park... or so my S11 announced to me. Am I an awful person that I find this annoying? I mean... I get STBXH is her son and this is an awkward situation. I totally understand that. My STBXH is shoving his affair and her family down my kids and now his mom’s throat basically and it appears to be working. Ugh. Having a human moment I guess. Just feels like I have been replaced which I KNOW is ridiculous. Still...even though I have moved on from my relationship with him, it still kinda stings. Like someone has just waltzed in and stolen my life and no one seems to care one way or the other.
Anyway...just needed to get that off of my chest. All in all, still doing great with just the odd blip of irritation at how easily my STBXH is able to reinvent himself and have everyone in his family just follow right along. Fourteen years...seemingly insignificant...
Okay...time to hang with my beautiful daughter who just presented me with an extremely elaborate plan for our backyard which she has deemed to be too boring.
So OW’s Grandma and STBXMIL are going to be friends. Yes, that is a touch on the annoying side. And I am sure this irritating blip will pass quickly for you.
That feeling of being replaced and the sting also passes pretty quickly too. It’s nice when we don’t feed the emotions. Feel and let them go. I know you got this.
An extremely elaborate plan to jazz up the backyard, crafted by D11, to rescue the poor yard from its far too boring existence. Sounds like you have a budding architect and designer on your hands. And I know you got this too. (((DV)))
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Having a bit of a melancholy afternoon. Don’t know why. Had a pretty fun weekend. Kids were with their dad so it was just Jack and me all weekend. Did the dinner and a movie thing last night and out for breakfast this morning. He left at around 3:00 as he had to go back home and attend his dad’s birthday dinner. This weekend has been a bit strange for me and I’m not really sure what to do about it... if anything. I’ve been fighting to opposite urges all weekend... the first urge is to tell him that I love him and the second urge, strangely enough, is to break up with him. So my question is... how can I want to tell someone I love him and also break up with him at the same time? Does that make any sense at all? Am I scared? Or confused? Or something else I haven’t thought of? I was almost happy to see him go today so I could stop thinking about doing either. Anyway...if there is one thing I have learned since finding this forum, it is that sometimes when you don’t know what to do, the best course of action is to do nothing. So that’s pretty much what I’ve decided to do for now until I have a bit more clarity. If anyone wants to give me their thoughts, I would definitely welcome them.
I agree with do nothing. Or to reframe it - "sit tight". Subconsciously and consciously you'll work it out in time.
I think I could understand the love and the break-up feelings. Not sure that I have any specific thoughts on it, except that it sounds like one of those many things that make humans weird.
If nothing else folks on this board know what the word "patience" means. So be patient with yourself!
Doing nothing, is doing something. Clarity and answers will come.
Wanting to say I love you and break up at the same time. An interesting mix for sure.
I have a few thoughts on these urges, these two views, use whatever you like and discard the rest. (Oh! This is like one of those disclaimers on those long worded contracts that no one ever reads )
You are, or have, fallen for Jack. This has been mentioned many times in the context of I think I am falling for him, or I fear I may be falling for him. You dig the guy, you’re infatuated, and love is starting. Awesome!
You were hurt before and are concerned about being hurt again. Breaking up = no risk of future hurt. (Little fear maybe? )
You have been holding yourself back emotionally with Jack. Not wanting to push all in... emotionally. Perhaps this is confusing you and/or your inner self.
Jack is an easy going guy. Happy to just go along. You, have also been taking this just one day at a time. I think you are, maybe unknowingly, wanting to get some direction with this relationship. To have more of a course and possible destination in mind or striving for.
The age difference is still something to you. Subconsciously perhaps. Although not near as concerning as it first was.
DV, do you like Jack? I’ve read all your posts, so I’m going with yes. Besides this manner of delayed texting conversing is not conducive to question / answer communication. So yes it is.
So, like the guy! Fall for him. It is ok.
The age thing - let it go! Honestly, it is ok. I think you are well on your way to that, just a bit pops in every now and then. Let those feelings go, do not feed them.
You, all of us, were hurt. Makes sense to be a little protective and apprehensive to being vulnerable and open up to possibly getting hurt again. It is ok. It understandable. And at some point you need to trust and put yourself out there.
Holding yourself back is good to allow time to ensure you are not just on some rebound kind of thing. Problem is you create that as a habit, your normal. You are a more push all in type of gal, as you have said. It is probably time to maybe not push all in, but get some more chips in the pot.
I do think that all this is tied to a lack of direction and control. That’s ok too. Love or break up would definitely push this in a direction.
For what it’s worth, be more of yourself. Hug the stuffings out of him and tell him you love him. Push the chips in and play the hand.
Emotions are irrational. Pretty sure I’ve mentioned that once or twice somewhere or other. Love doesn’t make sense! And won’t make sense. And doesn’t have to make sense. It is ok. It’s love.
Let go of the doubt, the worry, the fear - really let them go even for just these few minutes - then with thoughts, feelings, and what beliefs you have formed so far - answer:
DV, do you like Jack?
Everything else, is just that - everything else.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you so much for your responses. It is so nice to still have people reading my posts even though the worst of it is over and now I am just navigating the singles scene and trying to stay true to myself.
Yail...doing nothing is something I’ve gotten pretty good at...lol. So, for now, it is my likely course of action. Jack has some big decisions to make at the end of the summer which will likely affect our relationship. He’s hoping to move to my area but may not be able to depending on where he finds work. If he ends up living closer, I think the course of our relationship will become clear. I feel like both of us are holding back a bit until then as not sure either of us would want to do the long distance thing if he ended up on the mainland.
DnJ...you always have such insightful things to say along with some sound advice. Thank you for always taking the time to read and respond with such careful consideration. You are such a gift to this forum! I do like Jack. I like him a lot. I think I am holding back because of the possible time limit on our relationship and also I am unsure as to whether our lives would blend well long term. He is definitely a go with the flow kind of guy. It seems to have been his primary way of being in life as he has managed to make it to 38 years old without having any significant long term relationships, no kids and very little debt. On one hand, it is kind of nice not to have to deal with angry exes or childcare schedules. On the other hand, it is also a bit concerning that he is pretty much living his life like someone in their mid twenties which is a pretty far cry from where I am at. While our differences are not deal breakers short term, I do question whether or not they would spell the end of us long term. Ultimately I do see myself eventually being in a LTR for the remainder of my life so how much of myself and my time should I invest in a R with someone who is so different from me. But then again, how do I break up with someone that I love being around so much? So I think you are right about me wanting a direction...just not sure what that is yet. I am hoping it will become more clear over the next couple of months. It is a good thing for me, I think, to practice patience and not push my chips all in. I do need to put a few more in though at some point.
Funny about the texting issue that we have. I think maybe he sensed my struggle on the weekend as yesterday he texted me a lot and his responses were pretty quick. We didn’t text about anything of consequence but it was nice to have a dialogue without hours of time between responses.
Anyway...gotta jump in the shower and get ready for my day. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. (((HUGS)))
He is definitely a go with the flow kind of guy. It seems to have been his primary way of being in life as he has managed to make it to 38 years old without having any significant long term relationships, no kids and very little debt. On one hand, it is kind of nice not to have to deal with angry exes or childcare schedules. On the other hand, it is also a bit concerning that he is pretty much living his life like someone in their mid twenties which is a pretty far cry from where I am at. While our differences are not deal breakers short term, I do question whether or not they would spell the end of us long term.
So this is really interesting and struck me because you could be describing ME right now. I'm four years younger than Jack. But as someone who has chosen to not have children and has no debt and is feeling pretty "let's see where the wind takes me" lately, I could see how a potential mate might not see me as a potential committed partner.
Now my own current approach to life is directly related to this D and the hurt caused by W. I think that part is obvious. Before this I was very focused on our family life and commitment (though VERY "go with the flow" even with that commitment). But it's amazing how quickly that can change, and how quickly priorities shift.
I guess that's what struck me is that when it matters people can shift their priorities if they want to. Jack might always be a pretty laid back guy. But if you're wanting commitment, he'll have to show that he does too (eventually - I'm not trying to rush you two).
You know how on this board folks always say, "doing nothing is doing something"? Jack is like that. He may seem like an untethered 20-something. But not having the same lifestyle as you do was his choice - not an omission. Does that work for you?
Does that work for me? That's a really, really good question Yail. And it is one that I think I'm going to be pondering for the next couple of months as I'm not in a huge hurry to make a decision one way or the other and that is a very, very different DV6 who usually runs screaming from uncertainty or tries to control the outcome somehow. Not this time. I think the universe will provide me with an answer in due time.
So...unexpected visit from Jack last night. First time he has come over during the week since the end of April as we had very much settled into a weekend-only routine. He is even sticking around today so we can have dinner together after work. Talk about pushing him out of his comfort zone because my kids and my sister are around my house today too. It will be interesting to see if he stays out all day or spends a bit of time talking with my sister who is starting to warm to him.
Jack is apparently spending the day tomorrow with an old roommate of his. They are going to be in my area and Jack look horrified when I suggested they stop by as I haven't met any of his friends. I questioned his look and asked him if there is a reason he doesn't want me to meet his friends and that I'm not super thrilled about being a secret. He then told me that I am not a secret but that he isn't keen on me meeting his friends because they can be "annoying" and he is worried they will bring up something stupid from the past and embarrass him. I told him that we all have friends who can do that to us and that he shouldn't worry that my opinion of him will change...unless of course, he has committed a bunch of crimes. Pretty sure that is not the case. I also reminded him that we both grew up in the same town so I KNOW what his friends are probably like and that I likely have many friends who are similar. He didn't look too convinced...lol.
Still found myself holding back on telling him that my feelings for him are any stronger than "I really, really like you". Once bitten, I suppose. We have another weekend alone coming up with kids at their dad's and my sparent on the mainland so we'll see how things go. Still feels risky in a lot of ways...
