So it seems that wife's ea is not dying like I thought it was. It seems stronger than ever. They write poems to each other and I can judge by their responses to each other on how strong it is. Maybe what I saw a few weeks ago was the begining of the end. Who knows.
How do you know this? Are you reading her IMs/email etc? Snooping? Take is from me, this will lead to frustration and anxiety. I couldn't stop myself for the longest time. I still fall off the snooping wagon at regular intervals. This is when I feel the worst. I'm digging deep to break this cycle once and for all.
I hope that when you get your new job, you will be able to put more focus on YOU and your GAL activities. This will set you up to be a better partner if you R, or set you up to be in a really good place if you don't.
Sorry to hear all this. Whatever means you're using to discover the EA, please stop. It will only hurt you. The less you know the better. Cycling is "normal" for whatever normalcy this process has. The only advice here is to expect the unexpected. People will do things Hollywood writers could never imagine.
As far as chores go, read sandi's threads. There is excellent advice there. Personally, I became a servant to my wife, working 100 hours a week and doing everything possible around the house. She did not work outside the home and used the spare time to fire up the EA that eventually turned PA. Your W is out for herself only, so the acts of kindness you're doing will serve in her interests only. If it were me, I would do things for you and the kids and as little as possible for her. Make her work for the things she desires. She will likely try and make you feel guilty about it but you're hopefully tone deaf to the insults by now.
Please take care of yourself while working so much. There is adrenaline pumping now, but after a time it will run out and you will end up exhausted.
Thanks for helping me through this. I hope to be able to give back one day.
I just realized that I have never shared a complete timeline of events. Here goes. Probably going to miss a lot of details. I am soooo tired. I start my new ft job Monday. I'm hoping that I will be able to leave pt job very soon.
As I look back it is easy to see what was happening. In 2016 there started to be a lot of friction/tension between us. We had never really fought much before. I would say the sky was blue. She would say it was red. Around this time she also started to say things like she didn't want to be known just as our kid's mom. I didn't think anything of it. This is also the year we moved into our new house.
On New Year's day of 2017 we got together to set our goals like we usually do. She wouldn't tell me what her personal goals were for the year. That kind of bothered me. With the next several months she began to lose a lot of weight. She started buying new clothes. It was during this time that she also started spending hours in the bathroom. She was falling asleep.when we tried to spend family time with the kids. Her sex drive was really high so I wasn't complaining. In March of that year I did accidentally come across a fake social media account. I questioned her about it and she ran into the bathroom to delete it. I told her that since I didn't see the content, I needed to assume the worse. I forgave her. Also in this year she created a pen name and began to write. She said the pen name was because she wanted to be anonymous. She self published 3 poetry books this year. She kept telling me all of the lived themed ones were about me.
In the begining of 2018 she was spending a lot of time talking to some guy from another country in private chats. I know this because I was spying on her. We shared all of our user names and passwords. I did abuse that privalage. When I confronted her she blocked that user from her account. In March she began doing collaboration poems with a different guy. This is the guy who she is currently having an EA with. By March she told me she couldn't have sex with me. She told me she feels I took advantage of her. I persistently asked her for sex for several months. In July she said yes. She claims that I raped her. She was sexually abused as an 11 yo. Also, in July she went to visit her mom and step father (who is terminal). I brought her to the airport. She gave me a kiss before she left. That was the last time she ever kissed me. She came back from her mom's determined to get divorced. She was expecting me to just allow her to move to her mom's with the kids 3 weeks later. She continued to hug me for a while but eventually stopped when she began sleeping on the couch. Around September she began gaining her weight back.
Since then she has slowly eliminated me from every area of her life. She got a job working overnight in a bakery because I said that she wasn't doing anything to help the family financially. Around March of this year she started acting much calmer and even seeming remorseful at times. The last couple of weeks the anger at me has returned. The ea is ongoing. I created a fake acct to spy on her but I am not doing that anymore. Right now she spends most of her time sleeping, eating, watching TV or being on her phone.
I hope this information helps to clarify my story a little. Whatever insight can be offered is greatly appreciated.
You have pieced together a time frame and it is worthy for putting it all together but please don't use it to try and figure out her MLC stage. It will destroy your morale. Much of it sounds so familiar--distance, sleeping on the couch, etc... it is easy to see in hindsight but difficult to make sense of while it's happening.
Sexual abuse as a child plus seeing her step dad sick may have been the nidus for her MLC to soar. Has she been through counseling for that?
IMO, the best thing you can do is detach and show her a life without you.
I have snooped in the past as well. It is difficult to stop but you must stop completely if you haven't already. It will ruin you emotionally and some forms are illegal.
Given the information above, I would also suggest getting tested for STDs.
Congrats on your new job! You're making strides. Keep up the good work.
I am so sorry that you were hit right between the eyes yesterday. A lot of the MLCers do this surprise attack because they do not want to see us or hear what we have to say.
So, now that you've been served the papers, it's time to get all of your ducks in a row, even though this is not what you wanted. I would find a good lawyer and see what he/she has to say and go from there. Do not attempt to discuss the papers w/her at this time...allow your lawyer to handle the dirty work. If she attempts to discuss things w/you, do not make any promises of what you will or will not do...this is now a business deal that has gone completely south. You will need to put your business hat on and look at this as a business deal and leave your heart at the door when discussing the splitting of financial assets, etc.
Again, I am sorry, but not at all surprised at how she's handled the situation. We have seen quite a few of this surprise attacks over the years.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
As job said, this has now become a business deal. It is hard to grasp but you will now be under the microscope and must do everything to protect yourself emotionally and financially. Grab any documentation you have (loans, cars, house, birth certificates, banking, etc). Do not speak to her about anything regarding legal proceedings. She will try and sucker you in with tears and try to hook you emotionally. Stick to speaking in terms of visitation only, and do it via text or email.
It [censored], it will be draining and exhaust you. You must stay strong and please find an outlet so you do not start drinking again. kicking that habit took a lot of willpower and courage.
You will be OK. Life will go on and you will come out a stronger person. It will take time though.
Faith - , So sorry you were served in such a callous manner. That, to be truthful, is a nightmare of mine. I'm sure you are in shock. You have a period of time before you have to respond. I agree that it's time to get down to business and start outlining all your finances, get copies of any important documents, and meet with an attorney ASAP. You might want to pic 2 for this week and see which one you like best.
As hard as it is, don't snoop. It will only cloud your judgement for making well-thought-out decisions.
Keep taking care of yourself, Faith. That will help you get through.
Thank you to all who responded to my last post. I have had a very busy week. I started a new ft job while still working my PT job. I really like the new job and can't wait until health benefits start so I can leave the pt job.
I haven't seen anyone in my family all week. I have promised my kids that I will be home every night by the time they go back to school.
I will start calling attorney's starting Monday. I have been asking friends for referrals. I have a cousin who is an attorney. She would probably represent me for little to no cost. I'm just not sure if I want to involve her. I just don't want my relatives hating w if we reconcile. As of now no one knows about what is going on.
Lastly, w's step dad died 2 days ago. We had been sick for about 2 years. My w first started showing signs of replay about that time. When she first told me he died she began making plans to go for the funeral and to spend time with her mom. She made sure that I was available for the kids. I told her I would make myself available. I also told her I was available for her too. I told her that if she needed anything I would do it. She said thank you.
When I saw w today she told me that she decided not to go out to see her mom. She said that she didn't want to spend the money. Money is tight... It shouldn't be but it is. I didn't give her any advice. I just listened. I think she should go to see her mom. I will be quiet on that.
I am concerned though. I am feeling that if she doesn't go she is going to have another unresolved childhood issue. She has always had an issue when it came to dealing with death.
I also read somewhere that something like a death of a loved on can help to bring them back to reality and help push them through the tunnel.
Any thoughts are greatly appreciated. I am very thankful for everyone who is helping me!
