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ballast Offline OP
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So Don...my apologies up front...I am NOT 34. When I first joined and was paranoid that my exW was watching me I fudged my age. Somewhere in a post long ago I let folks know I was mid-40's...just never update the signature.

My D4 is doing very well all things considered. Week on/week off custody has been in place for better than a year now and she loves my new place. When she's with me she and I are together enjoying ourselves non-stop and for the record she has met ZERO mother type figures as yet. I waited from the time my exW left until my agreement was signed before I even considered starting to date and that was 14 months. Also I've been in counseling since my exW BD and it was not until my IC and I spoke that I encountered the lady who serves as the one who just concluded seeing me AND I will be meeting with my IC again this week to discuss what has happened and plan to continue seeing her and working on myself.

Thing is when I did decide to OLD I had very low expectations for it. I just figured put myself out there, see what happens. Well the lady I'm speaking of currently in my thread was the one who contacted me and I had been very attracted to her. Beyond swiping on her pic that was the extent of me being aggressive or proactive in seeking to fill a void. She did contact me, I was very interested in her specifically and so I pursued it.

Just want to set that straight as I'm far from out of control as perhaps I might seem. And don't worry, this one has kicked me so bad I may not ever try again. Seeing 50 on the horizon, the cruelty that exists in here today, gone the next dating...the unlikeness that I will ever be married til death do us part like my parents...single and leaving ladies alone is looking better and better with each passing day.

Again my apologies and thank you for your thoughts.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Joined: Apr 2018
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ballast Offline OP
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DV6! Thank you!! I really appreciate your encouragement! And it's wonderful to see friends from the For Newcomers section in the Surviving the Big D section as well!

Hope you are doing well! :-)


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
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I am doing very well all things considered B...thanks. I think my next thread will be in the Surviving the Big D section as my divorce should be final by the end of the summer so will be joining you soon. Please don’t get too discouraged with OLD... lots of dire predictions in your response to Don that I doubt will come true. You have lots to offer and there are many great women out there who would love to have you for a partner. Just be patient and try not to rush into things too quickly when you think you may have found her. You have lots of time. I, too, have been married twice and am highly sceptical that I will go down that road a third time. But... I will never say never. The universe is full of surprises. Sending you lots of (((HUGS))) and positive healing energy. xo

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ballast Offline OP
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DV6...it would be wrong of me to say congratulations to you about your divorce being final, although you moving more to this section where we can all share with each other the goings on of the new, hopefully less stressful chapters of our lives is a great thing. once my divorce hearing was final, my atty wanted to high five me. i got her intent for wanting to do so, but it just didn't feel that way to me.

for sure i'm not discouraged with OLD. i have met and had wonderful experiences and memories from it to include the most recent lady. unfortunately, none of those relationships have been able to last. my main worry is that in today's world, the ability for any couple to stay together given our levels of entitlement, easy access to others, i'm unhappy and it's your fault. it's the conditions that i worry about which makes me think only heartbreak will continue if I continue to pursue further relationships. I've gone since Monday and the break up without talking to my IC. I'm very interested to get it point of view on what has transpired.

yeah, i'm very much like you on the idea of marriage. don't think i will, but would never say never. it's amazingly freeing to be at a point in life where if i don't get married again, that's ok and if I don't have any further children that's ok as well. i'm just disheartened right now from how a lady supposedly had deep feelings for me, but then we never had the chance to really get into the relationship as she ended it to be selfish and work on herself as she told me. very difficult for a logical minded man to resolve his feelings for a lady who lives in a much more emotionally driven head space. as you say the universe and life is full of surprises. also as you say we must live in our reality and what is meant to be will be. i'll just keep living my life for me and loving on and having wonderful times with my little D4 and things will sort out in time as they were meant to.

All the best to you!

-B


Me:34 W:40
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D Final: 6/19
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I’ve OLD on and off since divorce. And I’ve been divorced a long time. This is my first lasting OLD boyfriend. I never really made it past a few dates, actually. I dated on guy a year and a half for the wrong reasons for 2 months. I wasn’t attracted to him. I ended it. My other 2 R’s were guys I met offline.
While I haven’t had the best of luck until now, I came to learn a lot.

The ones that start full stream ahead fizzle out pretty quickly. I could see them with a whole bunch of hope of what could be, but the truth is, it just wasn’t. When you are infatuated, the world seems full of hope and promise. But over time you see what really makes you compatible . How that other person loves there life and how well it meshes with yours.

I may have had a recent complaint about M, something that We didn’t see eye to eye on, something that did kind of hurt me. But we talked about it and we are both committed through the rough stuff. We don’t always see situations eye to eye, but that’s normal for an R. Neither of us looks to the other to fill a good and for them to supply us with the responsibility of our happiness.

But the key is, we DATED. And I have to say, even almost a year in, we are still learning about each other. It’s a slow and steady process to build. And we both had that conversation. To keep it slow and steady because those are the R’s that last. To not burn it out.

If you could do anything differently, it’s to date the person you are interested in. You get too deep, too fast. Keeping it surface for a while is a good thing. Get to know each other. It’s been the difference and game changer in this R for me. The outcome may have not changed in this R, but the level of commitment and a slower pace may have not caused so much hurt and questioning.

Hang in there. I thought I was destined to be alone the rest of my life. And I’m 39, divorced sine 28.

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I'm sorry you are going through this. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Originally Posted by ballast

bottom line she wanted to leave and therefore I had to let her go, now go on with my life and put the past to rest. I know the path, just got to cut myself some slack, take some grace and keep putting one foot in front of the other. she helped me decorate my new place, her imprint/our history is all over it. the new sectional we bought together and were excited to get, football sundays on it. the new bed where we expected to pillow talk and for her to stay over, she stayed one night and I can still see her body laying there. just stuff to get through, no other way to put it. just heartbroken, but pushing on.

-B


First and foremost, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It hurts, regardless of the length of time you have been in a relationship with someone. It really is painful. I was not familiar with your story over in the newcomers thread but have read it here and it does seem that you progressed awfully fast in this deal. I mean, in the paragraph above, you are talking about new furniture bought together....3 months in? That just seems like lightning speed to me. I'm the first one to say that everyone has to move at the pace that works best for them, but that just seems super fast for anyone.

I hope you find the peace you need and whatever you are looking for moving forward. The only real advice I can give you is to grieve in whatever way you need to and then pick yourself up and move on. And, do NOT be one of those "never" people. You may feel like you will never find love again and you may not even want to, but never say never because you just don't know. Best of luck moving forward.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
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ballast Offline OP
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thank you Ginger, bttrfly and Dawn for you comments and support.

Given that she and I both had custody schedules that didn't match up that well, I thought that our pace of physically seeing each other and going on dates was very slow. I mean we only had one weekend together that I can recall and I'd say we probably only averaged 3-4 dates a month. So while the actual dates I think was low we did turn to texting and email way more, but here again I don't think it was any more than with any other relationship that I've had prior to this one. what was different is that we quickly established a mutual intense interest in one another. we met on the OLD where ladies make the first move. so she was in to me from the get go and I had already known if she happened to somehow contact me we would connect quickly as I was very much into her. intensity for sure was crazy high, but the actual number of dates we had to match the texting/email was far below.

also Dawn just to be clear we DID NOT buy furniture together. She simply helped me pick out the furniture that I alone bought for my new place. she just gave me a lady's touch in some of the choices I made.

I'm already more relaxed and slept fantastic as I usually do these days last night. she said she needed to be selfish right now and handle some things by herself. I don't know exactly if she actually meant she wanted to be broken up, but I respected her decision as to a guy's ears "by herself" means broken up. She knows how I feel about her and where to find me if she changes her mind. I walked straight away as I'm a great catch and deserve to be a priority in some lady's life and I've had no desire to want to try and reach out to her. Many friends at work both male and female think she will come back around, but it will possibly be too late. I've never had a lady reconsider and want to come back and get with me so I'm not even considering that as a possibility. What is meant to be will be and time will ultimately tell.


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Joined: Apr 2018
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ballast Offline OP
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so since Monday when new girl said she needed to deal with some things in her life by herself, I respected her decision and went radio silent on her, honestly never believing I'd hear from her again.

but then last night out of the blue she texted me. she said "not sure if you ever want to talk to me again, hope that you do, but up to you." I replied that i was doing good and then said "c'mon you nkow the answer to that question. i want our relationship to continue but you don't want the same. if you change your mind on that decision please let me know. we both know this is not up to me."

then she said "i've made it clear i don't want to be in a relationship right now" and that it was up to me if i wanted to remain friends. said she cared about me and would like to figure out a way to be friends. I told her that i will always be respectful of her decision, that i think the world of her, but i only want a romantic relationship with her. i said if you ever change your mind, have the feelings that you once had for me and are interested in the same i'd love to hear from you. she replied ok, said she understands and respects where i'm coming from.

bottom line as of the 4th of july and even after she was kissing me, holding my hand and snuggling up to me while out with her kids. I do not agree to how she wants to friend zone with me, but i will completely respect her decision and right to not be in a relationship with me. I'm to good of a catch and she's said that to me to settle for what i don't want. as she said "right now" she doesn't want a relationship but wants to keep me friend zoned if/when as a possible if she does. i'm sorry i value myself too much and i'm not settling. she told her entire family, her counselor and anyone else how so in love (sorry KML just saying what she said) she was with me and now...i told her what i want, she doesn't want the same, i accept that, but she's losing all of me. decisions have consequences and i've learned from my time on here that i'm high value. if she doesn't want me, it will hurt badly because i very much was falling in love with her, but i am high value and know what i want. and there are a ton of other ladies out there and if i'm a great a catch as she says i is then she knows some other lady out there will see it too and she'll lose me. that regret if it happens is for her to deal with.

i am sad, so sad to not have the chance for she and i to continue. i'm not mad, i tried to be as loving as i could be in my replies to her while not giving up what i want and deserve in a relationship with her. i prayed last night and asked the good Lord to sustain me. i feel like God has a plan for me even if i don't understand it. i ask him why for going on 2 years now every feeling of love i've felt in a relationship he's taken away from me. its of no matter though. a cheeseless tunnel as we've said here. again KML apologies in advance. to the best of how i can say i really fell in love with new girl and she with me. i know she's overwhelmed with work right now and has things in her life that she would very much like to change, but to just let us go. how can i not think everything she said, told everyone and shared with me was not just all lies. heck now even if she came back at some point and said she wanted a relationship with me, how could i ever trust it given that she's already walked away once. thank you all for listening to me. i did what i had to do for myself. i'm done with not getting what i want from a relationship and simply taken the crumbs offered to me. maybe one day she'll get her life together and come back around. will i even want her then...i guess time will tell.

my best to all of you...

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Joined: Jul 2017
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Good for you, no ones plan B, no scraps, only a romantic R.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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