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When I got home last night,there was an e-mail from a broker copying me and H's lawyer and including all these papers to sign -- they had said they had a buyer for our upstate cabin at a price almost double what the house is worth (and most of what it is worth is mortgaged) and I knew it was BS. So I wrote back to the agent saying, "My husband is having a midlife crisis and is trying to destroy our family. Do not write to me again." This is what I do every time he gives my e-mail to a broker, I want to make sure the broker freaks out and never tries that again. We are in the process of appraising our two places but he is just obsessed with forcing me to sell first. So he sent me the note below.

I am really a mess, like I was just post BD. I mean, I have no hope or desire to stand anymore, though I still plan to stand, so that part is different, but just that feeling that you want to die or crawl under a rock because you don't want the life God is giving you anymore. Or at least that He is allowing. You don't want to trust his plan because his plan is too awful.

And then D14 came to me to talk about his feelings of same sex attraction, and I had to try to navigate that! Every night is a huge conversation with him -- about cutting himself, killing himself, using drugs, and sometimes about that. This is something he never though of til a friend of his told him he (the friend) might be gay, it totally freaked him bout but then since then I think he started looking at things on the internet, etc., and it's the latest thing in his list of things to try to solve his pain. He told me he is attracted to girls as well but doesn't understand.

I don't think I can handle anything more without totally collapsing!

Last night I was getting something to eat and while waiting noticed this man, very handsome, covered with tattoos, because his neck tattoo said, "Deliver us from evil." So I asked him if he prays that prayer, and he said yes, and I said I was battling a lot of evil and said that prayer everyday. And he said, "You are a warrior, you aren't a victim. Don't fear suffering because you are a warrior, and suffering is what makes you strong." And talked about that for a minute and then was gone. I started crying because I felt like God was speaking to me through him. But I haven't been able to get that feeling, of being a warrior. I mostly just want to crawl under a rock. I think seeing my H this evil and having to face the bullying of his L, who was even physically bullying me by getting into my face, this has broken me, I can't see anymore because I have been so devoted to standing, and this is so powerfully evil that it seems impossible to do anything but give in to the vision of my life I do not want. I am not explaining this very well but that's it for now, here is the note H sent, nothing surprising or unusual, I don't even know why I am including it.

Gerda (usually he uses my pet name but he used my really formal name that no one ever uses except formally at work, etc),

You realize that by publicly defaming me by reducing, in one venomous swoop, my sane gesture -- to sell in order to equally distribute what I with my bare hands made -- as "destructive" and as indicative of a "midlife crisis"... this defamation not only hurts, and not only is uncalled for (not to mention it is hardly Christian), but it will go on legal record. I am laboring, you should know, for justice. Not for a midlife thrill. And I am laboring to image myself to my kids in ways that are my own and not yours. So please make an effort to let (versus manipulate) all people, including my kids, decide (in time) which image to gravitate towards.

-- Husband (he used his full formal name)

Last edited by Gerda; 07/17/19 02:01 PM.

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Babe, Sam, Job, DnJ, Grace, it means so much to me that you all stopped in to support me. Babe, extra special treat when you stop by and give me some faith boosts! Love to you all.


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Gerda,

I am truly sorry that yesterday was a horrible experience for you. It's never easy and his appearance sounds like he's not happy w/himself.

Now, I'm going to make a suggestion to you and you can either choose to listen or not. In the future, I would suggest that you simply state to the brokers that now is not the time to be considering their offers. I would leave out the bit about him having a midlife crisis. They do not need to know what is going on behind the scenes. If you must provide an explanation, just say that you and your h are in the midst of a divorce and when things are settled, then the properties will be settled up and not until then.

I have to agree w/the man you met...you are allowing yourself to be a victim. Gerda, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and put that warrior outfit back on. You are not a victim! You are not a mouse shaking in your little paws. You can be and are a strong woman and now is the time to pull yourself up, hold your head high and get tough. You've seen what they are capable of and as long as you allow your h and his bulldog lawyer to get to you, they will. The next time that lawyer gets in your face, hold your had up and say "step back and don't get into my space, I can see and hear you quite nicely from 4 ft. away. It is not necessary to get up into my face". That was unacceptable behavior on that lawyer's part, but he knew he could get to you and make you shake in your shoes. You have to change that image. What he did is called intimidation and it worked.

Right now, the only human being that can help you is yourself. God is there to help and guide you, but he needs you to get stronger to fight the evil that is surrounding you at this time.

Hang in there. We are all here for you.



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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Good Morning Dear Gerda

First off:

((((Gerda))))

That sounded like a horrible experience. It is over. It exists only in memory now. You survived it. And will be stronger for it; I’ve seen you stand and rise from the dark before, and you will here as well.

Did I read this correctly? Full custody. $500.00/month child support. Settled and agreed too? Wow! That is awesome. This was one of the biggest items you wanted.

Divorce is just about kids and money. Once kids are figured out, it is just dollars and cents after that. Even here in rural small town where the streets roll up at 6:00pm, it is that way. Your lawyers and legal system sounds the same. H and his lawyer however do sound to lean to the chasing of ambulances.

In my case anything and everything, outside of financial dealings, W did and was doing (affair, abandonment, etc...) had no bearing on the negotiations. It is just splitting up the assets, fairly according to the law or whatever the two parties can agree too. It really is just a business deal gone bad, as much as it really isn’t - weird how that actually makes sense.

With, I am hoping, your child custody resolved the remainder is more straight foreword. Finances leave a good trail and can be divided in two, rather quickly and with a lot less mess. Math. It is emotionless, so the courts appear as well.

Your diminishing desire to stand is understandable. Do not worry about it for now, let that be, you’ve got enough on your plate. Focus on you and your kids, and once the dust settles you will see clearer.

With much support.

DnJ


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I will write more later, but thank you, DnJ and Job, all your words are true and good and right. I know I will get there, just being honest about today's hole.

But about the money -- first off, $500 is a joke where I live. It is amazing for me to get that since so far I got nothing, though really it is just coming off what I am being forced to pay him each month.

I am not sure my L is tough enough. H's L is so disgusting that he has a direct ticket to Hades upon his death, but I think my L could be a little more disgusting in order to play this game. I know my L wants the judge to think well of him because he has to go there so often, whereas H's L is not from the city and rarely comes here and is in general a disgusting barbarian.

But anyway the point is -- I agree about the money and division. And I have offered, for example, 18 months to buy H out or sell the house. I figured we would end up at a year, so that I would have a year to try to refinance and also for the kids to heal a little before being uprooted. But they believe I am hiding money, despite having all the bank statements, tax returns, etc. And his L wants to make as much money as possible before this ends. So his L is constantly writing letters and demanding more things and just announced we are doing depositions! He is a money grubbing dirtbag and is trying to milk H for all he has, and because the friend who is financing this is so rich (and I begin to wonder about their relationship, honestly), M just keeps paying. His L also lies constantly in court, and we don't even get the judge, it's all the court attorney at these conferences, so his L barks out numbers about the value of our house that are false, makes up numbers about how much I earn. They all look at the papers and say, I don't even understand how she is living on this, it's not possible, but then if I try to say anything they tell me to shut up and H's L keeps implying that I am hiding money or that my dad is paying for everything. Everyone ends up screaming and I am not allowed to talk. It reminds me of the scene in Clockwork Orange where Alex has his eyes propped open with toothpicks.

As an example -- they wouldn't accept any appraiser name I gave, so the court gave us a name and put it in the order. We called that person and they said $1200 for the appraisal. Which is double the quotes I got, but okay, was ready to go,and then H's L said that it was a business and had to be assessed for the business so the appraiser said $4500!!! I said no and gave the names again, figuring H would not want to pay half of $4500 but they refused to use anyone else and H just kept saying he would borrow the money for the appraisal from that friend. So the court ordered us to come up with this money by Friday for the $4500 appraisal!!!! No one cares that I have no money left or that I am alone caring for the kids, no one cares that H is paying $2500 for an apartment but won't buy his kids an apple.

So that is what I mean. I am ready to split everything and really really want to have no financial ties to H ever again, no matter if he comes back or not, and I am trying to refi my place long before the 18 month mark, but I have to repair my credit since H destroyed it, and this takes time (and money). But H is so thirsty for his blood money and so unwilling to actually get a job that he is just vicious every time.


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Gerda,

You are truly going through more than you deserve for sure, but you are strong, and will get through. One day, heck one minute, at a time. The man you met. No coincidence. Listen to what he said. "You are a warrior, you aren't victim." Put on the armor of God, and you will get through this.

I agree with Job. I would recommend you do not provide any answers to inquiries from brokers other than to say it's not on the market at this time. That's really all you need to say. Otherwise you are just adding fuel to the fire.

(((Gerda)))

Your son is hurting, confused, probably angry. I think it's wonderful he trusts you so much to open up to you like he does. Keep the lines of communication open. Society in general is making our kids so confused about their sexuality. Anything goes. This whole generation is confused. Keep up the lines of communication, and the two of you will navigate this together. Perhaps exploring positive outlets to help him deal with his anxiety would help (exercise, etc.). Have you explored counseling with him? If you are near a university, often you can find counseling services that don't cost very much.

We are all here for you, and God is walking by your side. Reach out and hold His hand. Feel His strength. His love.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
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Hello Gerda

Yes $500 is pretty low, even for small town here. I was more pleased with the custody and the progress. You are doing great. The sooner this toxic man is no longer directly involved in your life, the better. You will be so much better off. I am very glad you know, and can see, you will be alright.

H’s L sounds like a weasel. It’s too bad. In any profession, or anything really, there is always some who tend towards the nastier side, the darker side. Unfortunately this barbaric - what a minute how did you say it - direct ticket holder to hades is representing your H’s interests. Persevere Gerda.

When you look, Wow, what a life’s story you have. Keep shining girl!

Grace said it really well about S14 and his confusion. I’m very happy to see that he talks to you so much. Be the sane stable parent.

Is S14 still seeing his counsellor? I remember he liked him and was happy talking with him.

How is daughter doing? Is she 10 or 11 now?

I was going to post further to your impossibility (Mary’s serenity) from my thread. Don’t want to upset the balance of “protocol” of threads and posts. I am happy talking to you here or on my thread. I did start here and have moved it, as it seem to fit in over there better.

Originally Posted by Gerda
I am ready to split everything and really really want to have no financial ties to H ever again, no matter if he comes back or not

I agree with you completely.

For W and I, our finances were shared and common. I do wonder sometimes at the idea - if her and I ever got back together what would our finances look like. Makes one see just how different and new a future relationship would and must be.

DnJ


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DnJ -- So happy to see your post this morning, I am back to my post BD nerves despite constant prayer.

But have been distracting myself too much with temptations and this is probably only making it worse as it is part of my existential crisis -- or spiritual battle, depending how you see it.

The issue is that the way H is going about this is so evil, my exposure to his L and all that evil is so impossibly dark, that it is killing something in me that was a seed that could grow. The seed that would allow forgiveness no matter what. I don't know why the other things seem forgivable and this does not, but truly this is beyond anything I ever imagined he would be capable of. He is believing a lie about me -- e.g., that I am hiding money -- but it is very easy to look at the numbers and see the truth. So he either has to be committed to an insane asylum for delusions or he is evil beyond repair. The first will not happen and the second destroys what has defined me all this time -- and since long before I even met H.

Despite what you said about feelings and not worrying about standing for now -- all of which is true but only possible if you have the interior mind-control of a DnJ or maybe Saint Theresa of Avila -- the problem is that I see myself at this crossroads, and having to choose a path. One is the path of standing no matter what, which is what I have lived by for seven years, and what makes perfect sense to me in terms of my faith and in terms of everything I believed about divorce my entire life. And it seems like the only way to explain my suffering, on many levels, to give it a purpose -- restoration of this family as the end point to everything. And to give my children hope and a reason to believe in vows and to forgive their father.

I know i think all the protests you will have against this black-white vision. I know you will encourage me to wait and watch and not worry about this. I know you will say it's not my job to help them forgive their dad.

But it is what is driving my anxiety right now. And sometimes I do the opposite, I get so upset that I can't stand it when D10 loves her dad, though of course I try to hide that.

I imagine that if I gave up everything I believed in, I would be like I was before I came to Christ -- tough, cool, enough of a hard heart not to care about some things and to pursue distractions from pain. This is what I see people doing all around me, here in my city which is the epicenter of divorce. They trade pain for "moving on." Everyone I know outside of my faith community is constantly urging me to do that, and men keep appearing in my path. Most of them make me sick but there are a couple of temptations....

But giving up everything I have believed in all this time is first of all not possible, just because of my nature and a conviction on my heart, and second of all means something horrifying as far as my vision of the world of the spirit -- unless it's just that I submit to being unable to live in the world of the spirit anymore and hope God pulls me back -- or even just hope that God gives me the desire for Him to pull me back! I don't even have the desire anymore to walk fully in God's way.

So then I make deals with myself. I don't try to make any deals with God at least, I just tell him that I reached the end of my strength and that I hope He can somehow show me He loves me despite even if I turn away from what I know is best for my family.

And then when I start doing that, nothing else makes sense about how to walk my path.

I know that for you, DnJ and probably Grace too, it's a little different, because you do not see remarriage or dating in the same way. But that is what I mean, I do not want to adapt my faith to my circumstances.

XO

Last edited by Gerda; 07/20/19 01:54 PM.

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Good Morning Gerda

Originally Posted by Gerda
I am back to my post BD nerves

Breathe Gerda. You have the gift of time, even though it may not seem like it.

Originally Posted by Gerda
The issue is that the way H is going about this is so evil, my exposure to his L and all that evil is so impossibly dark, that it is killing something in me that was a seed that could grow. The seed that would allow forgiveness no matter what. I don't know why the other things seem forgivable and this does not, but truly this is beyond anything I ever imagined he would be capable of. He is believing a lie about me -- e.g., that I am hiding money -- but it is very easy to look at the numbers and see the truth. So he either has to be committed to an insane asylum for delusions or he is evil beyond repair. The first will not happen and the second destroys what has defined me all this time -- and since long before I even met H.

H believes a lie about you. Listen to that. He believes it!

Numbers, logic, reason will not alter his belief. Convictions, values, beliefs are difficult and take time to alter for the one experiencing them - it is impossible (applies here) for you to change his beliefs, only his can do that.

It is not “very easy to look at the numbers and see the truth”. His world would crumble if he would see the truth. He very much cannot, at this time, see reason.

Imagine if you absolutely believed that something was red. It looked red to you. It is red! Now someone is telling you it is blue. To alter what you see to see blue. That is how destructive a crisis is to someone’s reality. You cannot fix him, show him, reason with him, explain to him - nothing, you didn’t break him. To have him see blue, especially when he is fighting and mad - crisis is horrible.

You have only allowed two choices for H, well actually for you. H needs to be committed to an insane asylum or he is evil beyond repair. This affects you, not H. This outlook doesn’t change anything with H, only within you.

Beliefs are slow to change and the person must be willing. (((Gerda)))

Neither of those two choices are accurate. Please don’t strengthen a belief towards them. H is irrational, not insane. H is behaving deplorably, lacking morals, and in general is an @ss; he is not evil. He actions are horrible; seeing him as evil will not serve or help you. In fact it does exactly what you said - it hurts and destroys you.

Standing and the crossroads you face. (Interior mind control smile ). Standing really starts when you are healed enough to stand down. Until then standing and healing are linked. The crossroads and temptations you face are due to indifference taking hold. One feels all these new larger than life emotions in the void that indifference produces, and wants to reconcile them. Dig for patience. You have lots going on, let things settle.

Standing, like forgiveness, letting go, loosing fear, etc... is for you, not H, not marriage. Stand for you.

Originally Posted by Gerda
And it seems like the only way to explain my suffering, on many levels, to give it a purpose -- restoration of this family as the end point to everything. And to give my children hope and a reason to believe in vows and to forgive their father.

I know i think all the protests you will have against this black-white vision. I know you will encourage me to wait and watch and not worry about this. I know you will say it's not my job to help them forgive their dad.

Standing, restoration of family, hope, forgiveness, vows, kids - all mixed together. Black-white, all or nothing, and the way you said it appears to be dependent on family restoration.

I am sorry when I’ve come across as protesting your path. This is your journey and I am happy to walk with you.

I am at a loss of why you feel I would advise you to not help your kids find forgiveness.

It is not your job to facilitate a relationship between kids and their father, it is your job not to harm or destroy it.

It is absolutely your job to help your kids. Maybe help is being defined differently. Forgiveness is for the one doing the forgiving. I have encouraged my kids to forgive their Mom and themselves. Your children should definitely work towards forgiving their Dad, it is so much for them.

Forgiveness is not contingent on H’s (or Dad’s) remorse, actions, or words. In fact forgiveness for him will have very little to do with him, and everything to do with you (or S or D).

Forgiveness also is not contingent on family restoration. Again definitions - family restoration. Even if H never wakes up, you all can find forgiveness. Your family is you, S, and D - for the moment. Build it strong.

Originally Posted by Gerda
I know that for you, DnJ and probably Grace too, it's a little different, because you do not see remarriage or dating in the same way. But that is what I mean, I do not want to adapt my faith to my circumstances.

I’ve accepted the reality of my situation. My family does not include XW - for now. Life is change. We all are moving and the future is unknown, and I am open to lots of possibilities.

Maybe this will help:

I am divorced and single. I have let XW go. I did attempt, and was willing, to date - fate had other plans. I still have not broken my vows. I have no plans to date. I’m not sure about where I am with remarriage, dating, etc... I am not against it, and I am not seeking it. I am happy with my life.

“I do not want to adapt my faith to my circumstances” - good for you. Circumstances change. If you alter your faith do it for you, not to match circumstances.

Family restoration is not the end point, life would continue after that as well. Family is important. Holding on for a restoration that includes H, is not.

Following your faith, forgiving, leading your kids to forgiveness, keeping you vows, having purpose, living well, and being happy - are all important and possible. And achievable for you and in the circumstances you are in right now.

I believe that!

DnJ


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Gerda,

I am sorry you are having such a tough time.

I am praying for you.

I agree with DNJ of course.

When you are beyond exhausted.

Remember that Footprints poem.

What I wish to convey but don’t know how to do is that you are not a victim.

The saint you mentioned above didn’t see herself as a victim.

Not did our Lord.

I know you know all of that.

Don’t give H (or really the evil one) the power over to you to feel so helpless.

Everything feels so truly dark right now.

But that feeling is temporary.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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