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kml Offline
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Again - PLEASE - you fell in INFATUATION with her, you didn't know her long enough for actual love.

And love bombing doesn't have to be gifts - just intense "we're in love" stuff way too early.

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ballast Offline OP
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kml, i'm not disagreeing, but we both got to a point where we called it love and that's what we went with. for sure infatuation is valid for us, we were head over heels for each other, crazy for each other. whatever the term i can say i agree it wasn't validated/time established love by definition, but we didn't care that's what we called it.

doesn't really matter anymore anyway, if you are advising that it was totally fake/false or doomed to fail, per what has happened you are absolutely correct.

i had honest wonderful feelings for her and to the extent i was told she had the same.


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
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Take your time to heal B. Enjoy D4. You canīt fix what you canīt fix.

We always write about living in reality. Well, itīs about doing that in the healthier way.
Thereīs no alternative with that.

Sending hugs now!
(((B)))


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
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kml Offline
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Not saying it was necessarily fake (although it may have been) but that that kind of rapid escalation in grown adults is always a little suspect. On your side, you had a big hole to fill from your divorce and may have overlooked red flags. From her side, she might have some big issues you're not aware of.

Just saying most experienced adults would take it a little slower, and the fact that she jumped in with you like that is a little suspect on its face.

(BTW, when my ex and I fell for each other in our 20's, it was similarly intense - mostly from him - for the first few months. Then his behavior began to not match his words. Many years later I know he's a narcissist, one of the dark triads that love bomb to reel people in in the beginning.)

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ballast Offline OP
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thank you for replying neffer! for sure I know that I can't fix what is not within my control. the primary cause of our split is solely hers and I have to remember to not take this personally.

this will pass I know. it hurts more sharply as it seemed to be a new start full of promise that never got the chance. the what if question.

kml for sure her arrival into my life was an amazing blessing seemingly after the H that I had gone through with my exW sitch. clearly zero work life balance is a MUCH larger issue for her than I ever realized it when we began.

the craziest part is that her ACTIONS were far greater than her words as recently as the 4th of July. to be out with her and her children, her snuggled to me, holding my hand, kissing me...to 10 days later gone. I know we say there were signs. I did sense them in her words to me, but not at all in her actions which to me makes this that much more confusing.


Me:34 W:40
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I dated a girl for a month who bought me gifts, took me out to dinner, we spent New Years Eve together, I watched her dog for her when she went out of town. She would send me pictures of her kids, we hung out 2 to 3 times per week and then one day out of the blue she was done.

Come to find out she had an on again off again BF and they had recently broke up. I was her man during the break up period.

Chances are someone else is in the background.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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ballast Offline OP
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TBSaka...so that thought of someone else has at least crossed my mind given how her communicating via email/text changed. it went very much devoid of feelings for me, BUT she didn't go straight cold and as I say up until the 4th she was still acting/showing feelings towards me with her kids and coworkers present.

it would be a HUGE and devastating lie that she would have told me IF that were true...and anything is possible.

reality is if there were someone else, I'll likely never know anyway.


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(((Ballast))) So sorry you were treated like that... as Neffer said though... we need to live in reality. Feel your feelings, take whatever learning you can from the experience and use it. Continue to work on you. What is mean to be will be. (((HUGS)))

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The girl I was dating went cold over night. It was literally like a light switch.

Her excuse for ending things was...…."I just know it won't work between us, I am truly sorry". No other explanation.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Ballast, I know that what you are feeling is real, even if what you had was not. But, wow, you're only 34 years old. I don't say this to make you feel bad but in hopes of slow you down. You're only 34 but already divorced twice. You have a very young child that needs your attention and doesn't need distractions or to start forming bonds with other mother type figures that then disappear from her life. There is a reason they say to take care of yourself first and not date or for sure seriously date someone for at least a year post D. That should be your focus here. It seems like you are reaching so fast for anyone who will fill a void for you. You don't need someone to make you whole, rather you should become a great person that then someone else can only enhance - rather than require. You're so quick to jump to replace someone in the R role. I can only hope you'll now just take a break from all of this to work on you. You can have a great life without a GF. Do that for a year or two and you'll still only be 36. Heck, I know many people 36 who are never married. There is no rush for you to find someone. Use this as a learning experience.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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