Persistent Endurance (Part 4)

[MrBrside]

I don’t see how it could backfire, I’ve already lost her and she’s cheating, I feel I’m already living the worst ending. How much worse can it get?

I'll be honest with you - this is from my perspective only... SELF RESPECT... My sitch started a little before yours, and i found this forum way way to late. Looking back, i feel i did a lot of stuff wrong - the chasing, the love messages, the pursuit, accepting the cake eating.. All this eats away at self respect. I didnt discuss my sitch with friends or family - i cut off from my friends - because i knew they would lose respect for me if i told them the truth.. i knew i had lost my own self respect... Once i found this forum i changed everything i did and the way i acted within weeks, with the exception of checking messages ( this was for proof if i ever needed it in the future )

You cannot demand respect from others, you earn it... But you also need to earn self respect from within yourself..

i googled self respect: "pride and confidence in oneself; a feeling that one is behaving with honour and dignity"

So i will ask you a couple of straight up questions...

1) Do you honestly believe that anything you say will change her tune ? really ? - based on everything you have read and the hundreds of contributions on this forum - do you believe your WW is any different, or you can offer something that all the other LBS didnt try ?

2) You may have "already lost her" , but you are not letting go...- So stop looking at what you have lost - look at what you can gain.... Self respect - by moving forward without her.... The pursuit, the chasing, the pleeding - all chips away at your self respect. Do you believe giving her a big speech about losing you / what you will do / divorce etc is behaving with honour and dignity ? - it reeks of desperation..

That does nothing for your self respect IMO, and i cant see how it will do anything for her respect towards you ... So what do you achieve by giving this speech?

Once you give your speech, and she cake eats even more / your realise it was a bad idea etc , you have chipped away another small piece of self respect..

This is my take on it.. You need to do as you see fit, but you cant begin to heel if you still keep thinking you can reason with this person... Rational vs Emotion .....nothing constructive will come out of it, as its 2 different languages..

GAL, KIDS, SELF RESPECT....

[LH19]

C,

Why not just file?

[sandi2]

Yes, I remember all those posters, and we still have some great ones today. I wanted to share a few thoughts about Txhubby. He did not post his personal story for a long, long time. He would always encourage people to expose the spouse's affair, but come to find out---he had not exposed his own W's affair......it was the OMW that did it. Txhubby's WW did not have remorse or try to do anything to work on their MR, that I remember. They remained in an in-house separation. Finally, Txhubby had had enough and one day he posted that he was wanting to walk away. He sounded much like a WAH to me, and I responded to him a couple of times about it. Next thing I knew, he was posting his story, or rather the updated version, and telling all the LBS's not to put up with what he had tolerated. He was done with his W and walking out the door, and she was crying & pleading with him to give her another chance. The tables had turned! Last I heard, he still had her walking a chalk line, b/c he told her if she messed one time he was gone.

I think in many cases, the H has to reach the point that Txhubby reached. I hope you aren't one of those who will just be beaten up until there is no nothing else to beat out of you. I'd rather think you will be like Txhubby and one day it will hit you and you'll be done with it. Until then, I don't think what we say is going to make a big difference in what action you decide to take......and I don't mean that sarcastically.

I don't know how many times I've read where you say you aren't completely detached yet. I read some others say the same thing. Do you see detaching as not loving her anymore?

Anyway, I hope you will be able to let go of that rope pretty soon, before it hangs you.

[curtis7]

Finally, Txhubby had had enough and one day he posted that he was wanting to walk away. He sounded much like a WAH to me, and I responded to him a couple of times about it. Next thing I knew, he was posting his story, or rather the updated version, and telling all the LBS's not to put up with what he had tolerated. He was done with his W and walking out the door...

I think in many cases, the H has to reach the point that Txhubby reached. I hope you aren't one of those who will just be beaten up until there is no nothing else to beat out of you. I'd rather think you will be like Txhubby and one day it will hit you and you'll be done with it. Until then, I don't think what we say is going to make a big difference in what action you decide to take......and I don't mean that sarcastically.

I feel that I’m at the same point TxHubby reached. I’ve endured a ton of internal pain, witnessed and discovered things that I never thought were possible with my W, haven’t exposed her proclivities to others, and primarily relied on the support here and in my faith. You are right that the LBH has to take that leap when they are ready. We hear the repeated advice to drop the rope, but putting it into practice and truly living it takes commitment to not looking back.

C, Why not just file?

It is important to me to know that I gave her the opportunity and choice directly to work on our MR before filing. It’s just something I need to do for myself and if my kids ever ask if I did everything I could in the future. Doing this will help me gain closure and serve as a milestone to fully drop the rope.

Adding to that, S8 asked me this morning if we were going to have to leave our house. I told him I don’t see that happening anytime soon and that’s why I’ve been fighting so long for mom and haven’t given up. He then asked me if I was going to quit. I didn’t know how to answer him, but it really got me thinking. I’ve been giving my all for the long-term vision of what I value and believe is best for my family. My sitch has also served to teach my kids the importance of commitment, loyalty, honesty, integrity, love, and forgiveness. S8 wants me to continue standing and I want to do what’s right in his eyes without completely losing myself in the process.

My focus right now is putting everything into perspective and deciding on the timing of putting my plan into action.

LH, your recommendation to cut out the friend activities is a good start.

I don't know how many times I've read where you say you aren't completely detached yet. I read some others say the same thing. Do you see detaching as not loving her anymore?

No, I don’t see detachment as no longer loving her. I see it as her words and actions not having control over me. My problem is that they still do at times. For instance, when she receives a text around me, it triggers an emotional response that it is one of the OM and that causes my mood to change and I feel angry, hurt, and betrayed.

I’ve come a long way in terms of accepting that she has her own life and letting go of outcomes. However, there are still a few triggers that cause the emotion to flood back in and I think it’s because surviving and recovering from infidelity is one of the most painful experiences a person can go through. I know it has been for me at least. Especially because her infidelity persists.

[LH19]

Just so we’re clear, when I said why don’t you just file I meant to do it when your ready without the speech. Actions not words.

[curtis7]

So, D4’s birthday is coming up in a couple weeks and she wanted to have a unicorn themed party at a local park. So, earlier this week I rented the pavilion and W ordered a cake and decorations. I’m okay with hosting the party with W as it’s for D4 and I want her to be happy for the occasion with both parents present.

However, last night W came up with a new idea. She texted suggesting maybe we should cancel the party at the park and move it to “our place” so she could dress up her horse like a unicorn and bring it out all dressed up for the kids to ride. Then she texted I just don’t know how you feel about having the party at “your place”. W also suggested possibly bringing a few select kids over after the park party to surprise them with the unicorn and rides.

I’m confused, is it our place or my place because she referred to it as both in back-to-back texts? W speaks in this manner quite often where she speaks in “we” and “our” about our marital property and plans, then sometimes catches herself and quickly corrects by saying “your”. I feel she talks in this joint fashion mostly out of habit and not that she envisions a future together. I also believe that she does it occasionally to gaslight me and keep me as a backup plan.

D4 would get a kick out of riding the unicorn horse with her friends, but I don’t know that I want to play and fake happy family around the guests. Also, I really don’t want divorced BFF at my house. Thoughts? Do I bite the bullet so D4 has a great day or put my foot down and say no?

[TBSakaJ9]

My xw still called me honey a few times after our divorce and referred to things as we. Imo she did it out of habit. We still do joint birthday parties for the kids were we are both present together. My opinion do whatever is in the best interest of your daughter. It has nothing to do with your w and just because you are at the same function doesnt mean your playing happy family.

[SteveLW]

Better late than never and knowing that I didn’t give her a direct choice. I don’t see how it could backfire, I’ve already lost her and she’s cheating, I feel I’m already living the worst ending. How much worse can it get?

So how does this command respect?

[SteveLW]

I’m confused, is it our place or my place because she referred to it as both in back-to-back texts? W speaks in this manner quite often where she speaks in “we” and “our” about our marital property and plans, then sometimes catches herself and quickly corrects by saying “your”. I feel she talks in this joint fashion mostly out of habit and not that she envisions a future together. I also believe that she does it occasionally to gaslight me and keep me as a backup plan.

You are really dwelling on her choice of pronouns?!? We, our, yours, mine. Who cares?? They are meaningless. You are confused because you are trying to tell the future based on things that have no meaning! When I talk about my favorite sports team sometimes I say "We are going to win!" Sometimes I say "They are going to win." Does that mean I have a future with the sports team? Does it mean I am affiliated with the sports team? NO! They are words. That's it. I feel like you hang on her every word looking for hope and meaning. Have you so soon forgotten "Believe nothing she says?"

D4 would get a kick out of riding the unicorn horse with her friends, but I don’t know that I want to play and fake happy family around the guests. Also, I really don’t want divorced BFF at my house. Thoughts? Do I bite the bullet so D4 has a great day or put my foot down and say no?

I think you answered your own question: " I really don’t want divorced BFF at my house" That's your answer.

"I've considered the proposal, but feel it is best to continue with the party as we originally planned it."

When she protests, gets mad, pleads, you listen and validate. But stand your ground.

As far as this "but I don’t know that I want to play and fake happy family around the guests". Wrong attitude. Forget the guests. You need to play happy family for D4!!

[neffer]

She must welcome reality Curtis. Is what Steve says. YOU need to start your happy memories with your children. That´s where love is.

Stand for your own there. Respect starts when you stand for yourself.

Keep doing what works man. Be strong doing that.

Respect!