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CanBird

The more will be revealed is about him..

The LBS is safe from the crazies as long as we
continue to focus on ourselves and be present for our feelings, work through them with counseling or groups and be available for the kids and home

You H had a difficult childhood and will have a lot to work though
most MLCers will never explore their past to the extent that would be needed for a full recovery
MLC takes 2-7 years and you will clearly see what direction he chooses
You will watch from a distance while you grieve and heal-

ON a positive note,

Most LBS go on and fully heal no matter what the outcome
Our well being and our childrens does NOT depend on the MLC
the opposite
Most become happy independent and strong loving compassionate people

Hang in
you are doing great


married 14 years
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One piece of advice - start looking for work NOW. I know you've been a SAH spouse and it's wonderful that you've been able to do that but you cannot count on your H right now. The sooner you make plans for being self-supporting the better. Even if it's just going to night school while he's gone to work on a degree, or finding a job in a preschool where you would work and see your daughter at the same time - whatever. But don't wait 6 months until he gets home to find out you are financially in a bind. It's a very vulnerable place to be financially dependent on an unreliable spouse.

Also - stash some cash if you can. Again, spouses in crisis can sometimes be very irresponsible about their financial obligations, you need to try to squirrel away enough cash to pay for an attorney if needed, or to pay for groceries and bills for a month or so if you end up having to sue for support.

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Originally Posted by peacetoday
CanBird

The more will be revealed is about him..

The LBS is safe from the crazies as long as we
continue to focus on ourselves and be present for our feelings, work through them with counseling or groups and be available for the kids and home

You H had a difficult childhood and will have a lot to work though
most MLCers will never explore their past to the extent that would be needed for a full recovery
MLC takes 2-7 years and you will clearly see what direction he chooses
You will watch from a distance while you grieve and heal-

ON a positive note,

Most LBS go on and fully heal no matter what the outcome
Our well being and our childrens does NOT depend on the MLC
the opposite
Most become happy independent and strong loving compassionate people

Hang in
you are doing great


Thanks peacetoday. Now I understand what you meant by reveal; appreciate the clarification.

I really need to focus more on moving ahead. For me that means.."As if". I guess whatever it takes to get you through these moments. I look at it like addiction; they can only help themselves.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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CanBird Offline OP
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Originally Posted by kml
One piece of advice - start looking for work NOW. I know you've been a SAH spouse and it's wonderful that you've been able to do that but you cannot count on your H right now. The sooner you make plans for being self-supporting the better. Even if it's just going to night school while he's gone to work on a degree, or finding a job in a preschool where you would work and see your daughter at the same time - whatever. But don't wait 6 months until he gets home to find out you are financially in a bind. It's a very vulnerable place to be financially dependent on an unreliable spouse.

Also - stash some cash if you can. Again, spouses in crisis can sometimes be very irresponsible about their financial obligations, you need to try to squirrel away enough cash to pay for an attorney if needed, or to pay for groceries and bills for a month or so if you end up having to sue for support.


Yikes! I hope things don't turn ugly like that. I have been looking at employment opportunities. If I can figure out child care then I'll do anything (within reason).

Not sure how I feel about squirreling money away, but I understand where you're coming from. H makes the money & I've always taken care of the rest (pay bills etc). We're also landlords, so there will always be income from that. I'm a very frugle person, but lately I've splurged a bit more than normal. Mostly for d3 treats, eating out, never anything for myself really). H has always been a spender. He's away at sea/work until Nov and I know what he's been buying online. I don't know where it's going but he's shopping. (I think maybe it's going to his works main office & they're shipping it out).

But yes, I should start figuring things out sooner rather than later.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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D3 and I will be visiting the in-laws next month. Other family too. H parents were never married. They remained friends and both married. I'll be visiting both sets of in-laws. They are the best & actually hangout together.

Before the BD, on both sides of Hs family, some have mentioned somethings off with him. Not happy, grumpy/mean, drinking more. It was actually a relief to hear they noticed a change too. And I wasn't crazy or imaging this behavior. Keep in mind, we don't see each other often.

It'll be interesting to see how things go. Hopefully not too many questions about H. Fake it to make jt.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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Try praying going to church.
if its not meant to be by the Grace of God. be prepared

Last edited by Cadet; 07/18/19 11:44 PM. Reason: Link not allowed
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yes fake it till you make it!!

It is a good idea to start to figure things out

An attorney can usually give us a lot of information about our rights
consults are free and highly suggested here

Once mLC takes root, these guys go down rather fast
They spend a lot
They lose any previous inclination toward responsibility and usually become careless, negligent parents

Not all Mlcers, but many will abandon ship.

The LBS has to have their ducks in a row..
watch the credit cards now because if he is a spender, MLC amplifies his issues
if he is already a drinker, this is also another red flag

In my experience, MLC just pulls them right into a destructive lifestyle and many can not get out
of this type of lifestyle/addictions once started
Some go deep in dept(mine did)
some go straight into addiction which is classified as a disease on its own and add MLC to that and youve got real trouble-
Basically, I think you understand

Just continue to put yourself first
work on your healing
get finances in order and watch them carefully
even MLCer who make decent salaries can lose everything fast-
expect anything
and be prepared-


married 14 years
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bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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CanBird Offline OP
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Originally Posted by peacetoday
yes fake it till you make it!!

It is a good idea to start to figure things out

An attorney can usually give us a lot of information about our rights
consults are free and highly suggested here

Once mLC takes root, these guys go down rather fast
They spend a lot
They lose any previous inclination toward responsibility and usually become careless, negligent parents

Not all Mlcers, but many will abandon ship.

The LBS has to have their ducks in a row..
watch the credit cards now because if he is a spender, MLC amplifies his issues
if he is already a drinker, this is also another red flag

In my experience, MLC just pulls them right into a destructive lifestyle and many can not get out
of this type of lifestyle/addictions once started
Some go deep in dept(mine did)
some go straight into addiction which is classified as a disease on its own and add MLC to that and youve got real trouble-
Basically, I think you understand

Just continue to put yourself first
work on your healing
get finances in order and watch them carefully
even MLCer who make decent salaries can lose everything fast-
expect anything
and be prepared-


Reading this scares the crap out of me. This feels all so unreal. I'm really scared. Feeling alone, but that's by choice. My movements are in slow motion. Time is kind of standing still. Sad. As happy as I fake it, although d3 lifts the spirits, I'm hurting & having a time letting go. In denial? This is not what I want.

I've been doing doing doing, going going going. I'm exhausted from my routine & I've yet to deal or moving forward. The plans are out there. I'm just having a moment. Another ugly cry. Embarrassing when there's others out there dealing with worse.

I've got to snap out of this funk.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
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Your feelings are normal
MLC is tough
It is so totally not what any of us wanted at the time it happened

It is a scary time --yes for sure
You dont know yet what will happen
But its best to prepare.

He may not leave.
But if it is true MLC..there is usually a long stretch of replay
where they go have fun, party, spend, make friends, stay out, move out ect..
LBS can usually see this sudden change in behavior


Its best to be posiitve but also aware- to protect yourself-and yes work through the fear and pain

We tell you all of this to be prepared
If I didnt take control of our financials during the crises,,when I saw XH was nuts
I would have nothing and could have lost everything we owned

I was aggressive with a good attorney and I managed to save our business that my XH was ruining and draining

Today life is good though-
Most LBS land ok--in fact I hardly read a story here -where a LBS did not become like a power house
and grow and create a good life

hang in there-


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D final 3 /09
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Originally Posted by "CanBird"
Good for him, trying to get in shape while away. I know keeping in shape has always been a struggle for him. When I met him, I fell in love with all of him. People would comment on his weight; I never cared. We both looked our best for our wedding. I'm now smaller than I was before I got married. He's let himself go over the last two years, just didn't care. I hope he figures out something that works for him.

CanBird, good for you! I've struggled with weight my whole life, and it's amazing when a partner just accepts you. I've had partners suggest diets and workout routines.. and others get threatened when I toned up and try to sabotage me. "You lost a pound! I brought a dozen Krispy Kremes for you to celebrate." This sounds like something you're doing right that your partner hopefully appreciates.

Last edited by CWarrior; 07/20/19 07:01 PM.
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