The only way I am ever going to change is by letting this all go, and I can't do that anymore in IHS.
I thought you were physically separated!
Okay, then the sooner you can separate physically, the better you may start to feel. Maybe even taking a break from the board will help. You spend an enormous amount of time & energy in the posts you write every day. Maybe it is your way of venting, but perhaps you need to find more balance in spending time on the board and GAL. ((hugs))
Quote
I can't do that. I can't do that when she wants out. I can't do that if I have to experience her emotional blame about why I can't stick to her agenda and timeline, and I get more blame and shame about what it doesn't work for her. I handled it as calm as I could. I still have attorneys to consult with. she wants to refinance by the end of the month and consolidate all of our debts, and she wants an answer by this Friday. It got a little heated. We both calmed down and agreed to work together to push forward, work together to make this happen. Im miserable dealing with this and living life like this.
I remember when you first joined the board, you said something to the effect of having the love for debate, especially political views (which covers a vast area these days). Your posts often reflect this, and that's okay as long as it is beneficial to you or someone else. My concern is for you, and I can't help but wonder if your fight is more about winning this debate with your W. You've been it in for the fight, and to win it, IMHO. However, it has nibbled away at you, and you need to end the fight. Nobody wins in a divorce. Fighting her over every single thing will eventually wear you down and corrupt your spirit until your mind is filled with nothing but negative views. I know, b/c I've been there myself. Talking about it may help to some degree, as far as getting it off your chest. However, it doesn't resolve anything.
Quote
We both calmed down and agreed to work together to push forward, work together to make this happen. Im miserable dealing with this and living life like this. All of you here encouraged dropping the rope, so I did. She wants divorce. She seems hesitant first, so I asked her several times are you sure this is what you want? She's sure. I'm not going back on this process. Im done waiting around for her to figure out herself, her identity, the marriage, where she wants to live, and who she wants to blame for it. Im tired of everything being all my fault and never being appreciated for the things I did do right.
Of course you are tired. It's time to let it go. You need time away from her, to heal your wounds. Don't give up on life. You are facing a new chapter with new adventures. There are good women still left in this world. They aren't all the way you've described your WW. My prayer for you is that this experience will not leave you bitter against all women.
Quote
As much as it hurts I have to move forward, I don't have the patience left to hold out for this marriage anymore. Now I can relax my mind of her and put my mind on moving forward. so yeah there is a little bit of pain and regret but there is also relief. I'm choosing not to lie around for 2 years to see what happens. maybe we'll get back together after divorce and maybe we won't I really don't care anymore.
I really hope you can find the peace you need. Find something that will help you get your mind off your W and the sitch.
(((hugs)))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
IHC, I think what I hear you saying is that you acknowledge what you need to change, but you just don't want to change it. With that mindset I think the most insightful thing you wrote was "I think I need to be alone for once in my life to figure that part of me out." Please seize on that. Make this your mantra moving forward. Why? Because you also wrote: "The truthful matter is I'm not seeking attention from anyone. I do enjoy it. Especially from female companions and loved ones I can relate to."
My fear for you is that you will close the door on this chapter of you life, make no changes, crave that female attention and affection, fall too quickly into another relationship, and end up back to this some point in short order. Many LBSs have thrown in the towel in order to seek out someone new. We have a saying around here about making a WAS that wants to reconcile do their hard work to come back. But the same goes for the LBS. If you do not make changes in yourself, and EARN your way into a new MR (either with your WAS or someone new), you are setting yourself up for another, future BD.
Peace brother. Focus on you. Get back to your spiritual side (you seemed to have a strong one before this latest "I am all in on the D" phase. Reconnect with God and get your life right! Onward and upward!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I remember when you first joined the board, you said something to the effect of having the love for debate, especially political views (which covers a vast area these days). Your posts often reflect this, and that's okay as long as it is beneficial to you or someone else. My concern is for you, and I can't help but wonder if your fight is more about winning this debate with your W. You've been it in for the fight, and to win it, IMHO. However, it has nibbled away at you, and you need to end the fight. Nobody wins in a divorce. Fighting her over every single thing will eventually wear you down and corrupt your spirit until your mind is filled with nothing but negative views. I know, b/c I've been there myself. Talking about it may help to some degree, as far as getting it off your chest. However, it doesn't resolve anything.
HO MAN! This is good stuff. IHC, right fighters are RARELY happy. You know why? Because you can't ALWAYS be right. And right fighters would rather be right than happy. See the problem? Sandi, as usual, you are so insightful!!
Last edited by Steve85; 07/17/1912:16 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
^^^^ You have a really good point about the right fighters part Steve85. I have given that some thought lately. What's the point of always being right if you're miserable. That's why I put the politics down just decide to focus on me.
I have another long insightful story, but sad story I'm composing for later regarding our sit down from last night. A lot of the things that were said here came to fruition between our words. I'll post it later when I have time so brace yourselves...lol
You have a really good point about the right fighters part Steve85. I have given that some thought lately. What's the point of always being right if you're miserable. That's why I put the politics down just decide to focus on me.
I'm really glad to hear you say this, and I hope you'll stick to it. I use to be pretty much one of those right fighters, but I discovered it didn't cause me to be loved more. In fact, it made me look unattractive to my H, so being right held very little to zero happiness for me.
Some former board members use to ask, "Is this the hill you really want to die on?" When it comes to our relationships and being right, we probably need to ask ourselves that question, cause something is going to die.....you can count on it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi - I love the hill metaphor - it helps sort out what is important and what is not (to me). Identify the hills you would die on, everything else is a pointless skirmish. Sometimes we fight the pointless battles, and we win, and we look around from the top of the hill and think.. "I'm still sitting here alone on top of this hill, what was the point of that?! I want to be on top of that hill over there..."
God I really don't know if I can go on. Today's balling fit topped the charts after work in the heat, little food, and realizations of who W was. God please I want my wife back!!! At the very least help me through this! Sleep has been little and funky the last few days, dreams weird, reality just can't be present. Sometime I choose to be positive ehen the negative thoughts and all the positive history creeps in. God I can't go on. No matter how much I temporarily convince myself. I can't go on anymore. GAL ing is just a buffer. Only feels good temporarily. This is no where near like losing a GF and moving on. I am going to have to see her every couple of days once one of us physically moves outI am going to be healing from this for the rest of my life. I can't even bring myself to jointly plan my S2 2bd birthday in a month or two. She has already invited all of mine and her family. I gave her the venue idea willing to commit to it a few days ago, only to re neg until I decide by Mon. I don't know if I can do it. Im a emotional wreck again. I can't decide. We were going to go out to my cousins in a few weeks together to see new home, W wanted to go. But I changed my mind again on that one too. After all the mental back and forth. This is so painful being caught between who I remember and who she is now. I wish I could gain back her trust and respect again, and vice versa, and she wasn't so scared of me. Steve, LH, AS and LB55 are right. I need IC therapy STAT! I have to find a way. I have to go to church. She is set on the Divorce but still at 99.9 percent on the fence. She feels guilty and she knows I an hurting, and cares for me but, she's leaned that far. Her guard and walls are up, and again will never look at me in a romantic light ever again. I think that last .9% is her guilt insecurity and fear, and she's moving torwatds following through with it.
I am so exhausted. I wish I could rationalise with myself how some moments the D is just a legal piece of paper, and there is a great life ahead of me once I get through this. On the other hand. Flaws trust issues and all I want no one else in my life, and I hope to God I recover someday and see past this that this is for the better
Uhhhh I can't even nap anymore without having dreams of scenarios of W leaving me. Lately she is in the dream on some vacation excursion with S1 and MIL and I have to go and pick him up and no matter what I say to her in the dream, she always has a bunch of reasons ready for me why this isn't going to work, Or tries to start an argument with me. The last one was I walked into her room in a dream loop three times to reconcile. Hug her and kiss her 3 times and 3 times J failed. I think my mind is trying to deal with the denial that comes up that this is never working out in the future. GOD PLEASE WAKE ME UP!!!
I thought you were physically separated!