Gordie 24 still married

[Gordie]

Roist Kevin dnj gerda butterfly

Thanks for the well wishes

Father’s Day was fun

I think when things move slowly it’s hard to see progress

But sometimes events like today remind me that things continue to move in the right direction

For the last couple of years Father’s Day has been about me and the kids

That is all fine and well but w was absent or awkwardly present

This year we could all tell she wanted to be there

Not a grudging be there because of obligation

She made some of my favorite foods and bought me a gift

It was a nice day, no stress, no eggshells

And is everything perfect?

No but I am grateful for my highly imperfect life as it is today

Life is messy and imperfect

And I accept that

[SBJ]

Perfection is a myth anyway. You are a good guy making the best of the situation. I'm glad you had a good Father's Day!

[neffer]

Acceptance. Confidence. Hope.

Great to read your post Gordie.

Thank you.

Glad you had a happy Father´s Day.

[Gerda]

Hallo, Gordie. Thinking of you and wondering how it's all going.

[Gordie]

SBJ Neffer Gerda

Thanks for checking in on me.

As SBJ says I am making the best of my situation.

I accept that she is still baking and that she is still figuring out who she is and what makes her happy. I accept that much of that work is hers to do and I give her time and space. At this stage of her life she is primarily focused on herself. I accept that and keep my expectations low because when they go up I get disappointed.

Something really great happened in my life, a real life accomplishment. I wished she could have been happy for me and celebrated it, but she is just not in a place to do that. It is what it is. So I am celebrating myself and my friends and children are all really happy for me.

W and I are going on a vacation together just the two of us later this summer. We have done some weekends together but this will be a longer trip. I find these alone times together are helping in our reconnection. The truth is we still have our issues to work through. And there is no substitute for time.

Mentally, I have moved from a place where I was anxious at the thought of this all falling apart at any minute to a place where I believe we will make it but with the sober thought that nothing is guaranteed in life. So I am going to continue living my best life. W is always welcome on my magic journey ride but I accept that she often wants to be by herself.

Peace be to all of you.

[roist]

Best wishes Gordie.

I am sorry she wasn't thrilled for you like you would have liked. It is dissappointing, but that is a reflection of her and not of you. don't let it bring you down. Kudos on achieving a life accomplishment. sounds awesome.

Just thinking aload for a minute: I often think about what people here achieve DESPITE of their situation. That is impressive and shows character. Digging deeper, I wonder can a certain portion of those achievements be attributed to the crisis?! I imagine YES. Coming through a M crisis, strengthens and builds a person. No doubt about that. It could also cripple someone but thats another debate. Personaly I have a different Outlook on life now than before and honestly believe a much better life is unfolding in front of me. Whereas many parts of my life still sukc at the moment, i have an unwavering belief in that things will be better. Like you I cannot assume W will be part of that but am open to that.

Back to what I wanted to say to you. Time and space are the two key ingrédients to this process. I am glad you seem to fully accept that.

[Gordie]

R

Thank you for always understanding and providing sage advice and encouragement.

1. Thanks for the well wishes and understand her lack of enthusiasm is just where she is.

2. I agree with your sunny outlook that a great life is unfolding before me. It makes me think of DNJ. He has a great life no matter what his w has decided to do with her life. You have a great life too. I have a great life too! That is a wonderful acknowledgement and brings a smile to my face.

3. Yes there are things that $uck in my life right now but I love what you said: I have an unwavering belief that things will be better.

4. Absolutely. Time and space. There are now substitutes or shortcuts.

G

[DnJ]

Hello Gordie

You speak from such a good place. Wonderful to see.

I like your acceptance of things. The lessening of anxiety regarding uncertainty, that fear you told me about long ago. It’s grip seems to have loosened quite a bit - so very freeing. Awesome.

Something really great happened in my life, a real life accomplishment.

Congratulations! I can feel the joy and pride from even over here.

Like roist said, coming through this strengthens and builds a person. And I totally agree with what you said.

I have a great life too!

You bet you do!

DnJ

[Gordie]

Quick update:

W and I have been spending a lot more time together this summer: family time, alone time, walking, traveling...and talking. W has specifically been opening up more about herself and what she has been going through. She speaks of our near divorce in the past tense and expressing gratitude and happiness that we are still together. As many of the vets here warned, she has a fog about everything she said and did. I am okay with that and my desire for the big apology has lifted over time. We are better at expressing and resolving our conflicts and both feel safe saying ILY when the moment strikes. We have also resumed our marital relations.

For those of you still in the thick of it, I wish you the best. The key that all of you taught me is to really give the person in depression/crisis all the time and space they need. W can see now that she was very lost and unhappy with everything in her life and that she directed the blame towards me. So even when your spouse spews at you, really give yourself a break. Take a hard look in the mirror and improve what needs to be fixed but remember so much of this crisis has nothing to do with you.

No, you cannot control the duration or intensity or the feelings that are part of this journey and ultimately whether you remain married or divorce. You can only control your choices and what you do every day. You are bigger than this crisis. You do have choices. When I stopped blaming myself for everything and seeing myself as the victim is when I was able to start healing and finding the power from above and within to move forward.

[job]

Gordie,

I am so happy that things are working out for you and your wife. Your posting is spot on. You have to give them lots and lots of space and time to sort things out and yes, many times over, dig deep for patience. We have no control over the duration or intensity of their journey.

Keep up the good work.