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Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
CSL #2851348 06/01/19 01:10 PM
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This is very very very hard, CSL.

My H had a fairly short-lived EA with a woman last year. He was incredibly deceptive about it - I knew something was up and he lied to me and at times made me question my own mental health. It only came out for sure after I checked his phone and found evidence, then he told me what had happened in a gradual trickle of information over the next few months, all while still having sporadic contact with her that he was still lying about. The EA woman ended things between them and he still bumps into her occasionally at work - I no longer ask and he doesn't volunteer the information - and I have no idea what other contact they have.

I mention this because the hardest things for me were a) he never came and confessed to me, told me the truth, and in fact for a long time tried to say I was making it up, was being controlling, was having out of control anxious thoughts and needed to see a doctor etc and b) he didn't make the decision to end it with her himself, she dumped him and c) he did go through a kind of grieving process or sadness after the ending that I found nearly impossible to deal with.

Things have moved on since then and I don't think the EA is the problem between us - only a symptom and a catalyst for a lot of unpleasant behaviour from my H that is still a problem. But I think I wish I'd handled things more decisively at the time and went dark entirely until a) he was ready to actively and strongly choose me and a reconciliation and b) show some remorse for the pain he had caused me and some curiosity about himself and his own motivations. I do believe that without those two things, a rebuilding of trust and a proper reconciliation isn't possible - no matter how much he claims to want it.

CSL #2851367 06/01/19 07:37 PM
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Thank you Alison. It is so hard. My H has admitted to the affair, he states it is over, she no longer attends his gym classes, and all contact has stopped. From what I have been told, the decision to end things was mutual, but the decision to end all contact was hers. I think it was certainly more on her end.

I too wish I had been more decisive through all of this. I have flip flopped back and forth, which has only complicated things more. My H has been very remorseful. He has told me what issues in our marriage pushed him away, but admits he made the worst decision of his life when he started to contact OW. He tells me daily how sorry he is. I am the love of his life. He can't live with the pain he has caused me. He brings me home dinner, cooks, does yard work, etc. Checks on me via phone or text. He tells me where he is pretty much at all times and spends little time at the gym. But...... he still wants to leave.

Admittedly, our marriage had issues. I took H for granted and thought the issues we were having would be worked out as we moved through this empty nest faze of our lives. There is some anger and resentment as H says he wishes I was fighting for our marriage all along, why now? He worries that I don't trust or believe anything he says, and that is constantly on his mind (as it should be!).

Obviously my H is not ready to choose reconciliation. He needs to figure some things out and decide if he wants to fight for this marriage. He is distraught right now, he has cried, he is overwhelmed and sad. He claims he wants to "fix" this for me, but he doesn't know how. I am really trying to remain hopeful. He seems sincere in his plan of us "dating", in this new chapter. He jokes that I will have to move in with him as he has signed a lease. I don't know if this is plan B or if he believes it. I guess time will tell.

I've done a much better job the past few days getting out and giving us space. I am putting on a happy face and trying to stay busy. I will continue to do so and work on myself and my own healing.

Thanks again for the support.

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Thanks Dilly. I'm trying not to get my expectations too high, but it's hard! I have done a pretty good job controlling my emotions the past few days which has helped me a lot. I am getting out, staying busy, and giving H space.

I am planning a vacation with my kids for this summer. For the past 26 years we have rented a cottage in a beach town in our state. I plan on doing the same, continuing with the tradition. I plan on telling H about it this weekend. I will let him know he is welcome to come or stop by, but no pressure or expectations.

CSL #2854171 06/23/19 08:09 PM
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So...... It's been a while since my last posting. I have still been on, lurking a bit, but decided to take a break from posting for a bit.

I am struggling a little (sometimes a lot), but trying my best to focus on myself. I have good days and bad, as I'm sure everyone does. H is moving in 1 week. He signed a one year lease on an apartment. We have told our children, they are upset, my D27 is angry and frankly, devastated. She is angry he is drinking, she is angry he is leaving. She does not recognize this man, the one who made her so proud all of her life, who taught her that when faced with an obstacle, you fight, you put your nose to the ground and work. She can see that he needs help, she is hurting for him. I hurt for her.

I have been working with a DB coach and she is helping me see things from my H's point of view. She thinks my H is depressed and possibly in an MLC. She agrees with my H that perhaps this separation may be what he needs in order to find clarity and get answers, and that this could be a "new chapter" in our M, as H calls it. She has advised that I treat him as a friend or guest, and validate and empathize as she says he is confused, unsure, and still very connected to me. For example, he initiates texts daily to check in, he updates me on his whereabouts, brings home dinner, etc. When talking to our children he told them much of what he tells me; he is not giving up hope, we will try to work things out, and "I could realize in a week that it was the biggest mistake of my life." etc. He is full of "ifs" and "maybes". Everything about moving is overwhelming him. He says things to me such as- "I think my landlord it worried I am going to back out." He doesn't even want to think about the actual action of moving, what it involves, and how he will feel. Of course, I just listen and validate. He ends each conversation with, "I'm sure your thinking, then don't leave!"


Of course, all of this talk doesn't change a thing as he is leaving in a matter of days. And of course believe nothing.....

I could certainly use some advice. I am struggling with the amount of contact I want to keep with my H once he moves out. He would like to keep it pretty open; if we feel like texting or calling- do it. He will stop by on the weekend to do yard work and visit the dog- If I want to be here, great- maybe grab coffee or a beer. Part of me wants to keep the lines of communication open and see what happens. Maybe see how I feel after the first week.... The other part of me wants to respectfully ask for a period of no contact, allowing me to reflect and begin to heal. I have gone back and forth a hundred times, I am torn.

Good things- I have finished all of my coursework for my master's degree. I interviewed for a new job. I booked a vacation for the kids and I, I've been busy at the gym, reconnected with some old friends, and bought myself a new kayak today. Not only did I buy it, but loaded and unloaded it myself!

CSL #2856843 07/12/19 11:42 PM
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Just journaling a bit.....

It has been some time since I have been on the boards. I needed to take a break for a little while. I hope to catch up on everyone's progress and hope everyone is doing well.

My H moved out the first of the month. Although we were beginning to connect more and more, the wheels were already in motion, and I know my H, he was determined to stick to his plan. He of course reminded me that I moved his things out of the MBR, and I told him to leave. He is bitter and seems to throw that back in my face from time to time to remind me that I played a part in this separation.

He didn't sleep for days before he left and told me he had a few very emotional days. I validated the best I could, but I was pretty emotional as well. We decided on NC for one week to get some space and time to think. He added that if we missed each other it would be ok to text or call- to break NC. As he left he repeated over and over that he did not want to say goodbye to me, that he was not giving up on us, and that he was not giving up hope. And guess what? 2 hours later he was texting me..... Checking on me, telling me he loved me. He continued to call and text and still calls me by a pet name in person and text. I let him make contact the first few days, but then I started to initiate as this had been an issue in our M. His responses are immediate. Talk was light; work stuff, house, kids, plans for the day, etc.

He came to the house a few times, once to grab some things, and once to attend a cookout with the kids. I told him I missed him, he said he misses everything. He texted me later to apologize if things felt weird and that we would get through this.

A few days later he invited me to his apartment. We had a lovely time. We were very affectionate from the moment I arrived. Lots of hand holding and kissing. He was very attentive the whole time I was there. He mentioned he had bought my favorite snack "just in case" I ever stopped by. He doted on me. Our talk was fairly casual, no R talk, just light and fun. He made a few comments about, "whatever ends up happening with us...." such as his new mattress was a good investment because we would always have it.

He made dinner, we watched an movie, and ML. He held me tightly afterwards and kept pulling me in closer to him until we both fell asleep. We woke up and he asked if I was going to stay, I decided to go home. The next day I thanked him via text and he said it was nice, who knows what it all means, but we'll roll with it. So, although I know it was all too soon, and perhaps we were just both operating on emotions, I felt that we were stepping in the right direction.

Over the next few days I noticed he wasn't contacting me in the morning, but maybe he didn't want to wake me, or maybe he was retreating a bit. Every time I felt that I was pushing a bit by texting, I would take a step back and a few hours later he would message me.

Ok- here's where I forget everything I've learned and mess everything up..... I am out for a late appointment and tell him I will text him on my way home. To be honest, I was hoping he would invite me to stop by. I text him, he says he is out and we will talk in the morning. This is where I really screw up- I drove by his apartment! And guess what? He saw me! He had just gotten home as I drove by. My intention was to call him and ask if I could stop in, but I chickened out.

He called me very confused. I tried to explain myself, but validated how uncomfortable that must have been for him. I ended up going over so we could talk. At first he said we were texting too much, but later said he only said that because he was upset, he likes all the contact. I told him I just wanted him home. He said I'm here for a year, unless we have $$ to get out of the lease. We talked about how the separation seemed to come on so quickly and if we could have slowed the process down, we could have stopped it. Things were ok when I left, but he has definitely been feeling the pressure the past few days. He kissed me goodbye and told me to check in when I got home. He texted me to check on me and I called him when I got home. I told him that I crossed a boundary and I respect his privacy. That it would not happen again. He said "don't worry about it- we are good. We will have lots of bumps in the road on this journey and stuff like that is to be expected."

I am so angry with myself. Big step backward. I am taking a step back and letting him contact me. He texted me this morning to wish me a happy day and then this evening to tell me about his plans for the night. He asked what I was up to and thank goodness I have plans!! He will be over in the morning as we have some yard work to do. I am going to let him take the lead.

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I still have a lot to learn, but I will pick myself up and get back to work. I appreciate this forum as it gives me a place for support, guidance, and somewhere to vent! I'm off to GAL smile

CSL #2856997 07/15/19 01:23 AM
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So my H is pretty pi$$ed at me right now, but I feel like that is a good sign.... Who knows!

He continues to tell me he needs space, yet he texts me all day long. Tells me about his comings and goings, asks about mine, etc. If I respond too much then I am pushing him, yet short responses anger him and he tells me I am acting cold.

My C told me that I need to set some boundaries regarding contact. That if we continue to contact in this manner he is not able to experience the anxiety he should be dealing with right now. He needs to know what it is like to live without me. Right now he's living the life! He gets to live on his own, do his own thing, and still have a wife around when he wants her. She helped me with a script, and after multiple texts from him this evening asking if I was ok, and then calling me cold, etc. I called him. Probably all against DB, but I'm following my C's advice because lack of response on my end was an issue in the past- I wanted to set a boundary, and explain.

I told him that I loved and respected him and that I was willing to do what it takes to work on our marriage. Yet, I wanted to honor his request of space. That he is asking for space, but he is not taking it. I told him when he reaches out, I respond because it reinforces my need to connect. It creates a cycle, he ends up feeling pressure, and it causes me pain. I ended with asking that we refrain from this type of contact to allow both of us to be accountable for what he has asked.

He pretty much didn't want to hear any of it. He was happy to hear my voice when I called, but as soon as I started it was a lot of quick "Yup, yup, I get it. That makes sense." He was very short and I angry. I told him the ball was in his court, and to reach out when he is ready. He said, Ok. Talk to you later and hung up.

He was so mad, but so am I!! He left me! He is the one asking for space.

This is so hard. Everything in me wants to call him back, text him. I want to explain more, yet I won't, I know it's the wrong thing to do. It's exactly what I've always done. If I wasn't done with a fight, if I thought of something more to say, I would follow him, pursue. So I guess keeping my mouth shut, letting things be, is a 180 for me. I feel awful, but relieved in a way. Who knows, he may never text again, he could text tomorrow. Time will tell I guess.

CSL #2857991 07/22/19 12:03 AM
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How are things going now after a few days?

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

CSL #2858665 07/25/19 04:49 PM
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Thanks for checking in HB. I hope things are well with you.

Things are ok. H is not good at taking space. He claims the reason he is checking in and contacting me is for me- that he thinks I need it, it's not for him. I don't buy it. I'm not trying to over analyze things, but he tries to play things cool, yet responds to my texts within seconds. I know he is trying to calm his anxiety. He left because he didn't want to deal with the conflict and hurt, it was causing anxiety that he doesn't want to deal with. Yet, not knowing what is going on with me makes him anxious.

After our talk he continued to text, the very next day- house stuff, car stuff. I tried to stay dim- friendly, but sticking to business. By day 3 he was calling to check in, and by the weekend he invited me to go kayaking. I accepted his invitation and we had a very nice time. We talked, laughed, told stories, and hung out for a few hours. As I was loading my kayak he told me to be careful if I ever kayaked by myself, "especially dressed like that!" (bathing suit and shorts). I know not to overthink things, but these are comments he has always made, yet I haven't heard them in months. It seems to silly, but it is something that used to drive me crazy and when it stopped, I noticed.

By the time I got home he had texted me to tell me how nice it was and thanked me for coming. Usually I would have been the one to message him, so this was nice and out of the ordinary. I responded with a quick thanks for inviting me and kept it simple. He's away on business this week. Mostly I have been letting him contact me first, but I occasionally will send a text. My lack of texting was a huge issue for my husband, so I am trying to find a balance right now. I respond to all of his texts, remain friendly, but keep it simple. We are in contact daily- some days it's very business like, some days it chit chat about our day, etc. It is all pretty light- no R talk at all.

Next week is my vacation with my children and their significant others. I am looking forward to it, but I am a little sad, and maybe a little angry at H. This is something we have done as a family for 28 years, and although my H will join us for a few days, it's not the same. We have many memories and lots of emotional ties to this place so I am sure it will stir things up for both of us.

As I reread my post I of course notice that I continue to state that I don't want to over analyze, or over think things, and I recognize that it is exactly what I am doing. I think I am considering the little things as just that, little, yet positive. I want to say baby steps, but I think they are even smaller than that. Kayaking - maybe a baby step. Liking my post on FB- not even close.

When I return I will start with a new therapist as my former C did not work out. It will be MC, but only I will attend at this time. It is grounded in EFT and Gottman, and I am hoping to learn some things to help me navigate through all of this.

CSL #2858675 07/25/19 05:51 PM
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Hi CSL,

him saying he needs space and then chatting all day has to be strange. Don't overthink or try to understand. He knows it's weird too but talking about probably won't help anything. Just don't tolerate disrespect when he throws hissyfits about you responding the wrong way. If you are tired of the back and forth in regards to him saying he is wanting space and then acting differently, lay down the law in a clear and concise way. Don't overthink it or overtalk it. This will give him plenty to think about and make you feel better too.

Originally Posted by CSL

I told him that I loved and respected him and that I was willing to do what it takes to work on our marriage.
Good, you got that out of your system. Now, don't say it ever again IMO. I believe this cements you as plan B when he should be freaking the hell out that you aren't going to be there for him any more or that you are out and about moving on with your life. Nothing makes a man feel the heat like the woman he wants moving on.

You're right about him making excuses as to why he is checking in on you. I think it's a decent sign that he is still interested in you enough to want to know what you're up to. So if you can pull back gently and in a detached (not cold, not angry) type of way I think this works to your advantage. I think you need to take longer to respond, sometimes don't respond, and sometimes respond right away..Maybe have plans the next time he invites you out. He needs to realize that other people value and desire you too and that his half "butt" commitment doesn't mean squat. I know you think your lack of texting was a big issue, but he has changed the dynamic. It's not a healthy R where he can ask for what he wants and you can do the same. This is why you are hurt when he says he needs space and then his actions go against that.

He's clearly confused and in a lot of pain. So be patient, use this time to refocus on yourself and not get too caught up in his chaos. Good luck!


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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