Growing Pains(LB55 thread 4)

[AnotherStander]

From a recent conversation:
H: I think the false thinking here is that I am happier because of D. I am happier because I am asking for what I want, getting what I want, and being a man in charge of my own needs.
W: I am glad to hear that D is making you happier. It is making me happier too. I was feeling guilty for hurting you but am glad to know that I have spurred you on to better things.

Ha! Well she could be just hearing what she wants to hear, but there's also the possibility that re-steering the convo was completely intentional on her part. Your W is a mean, angry and vindictive WAS and while she has dialed it back from 10 to 9 it is still a 9 so keep that in mind. Just avoid conversations like this altogether. You didn't post what came before this but it sounds like you let her bait you into an R talk. Don't be baited!

[LB55]

Yeah I don't recall for sure how we got there; I think it was her saying she noted I was happier these days. There wasn't anything significant before or after that I can recall, just one of those things that happened during a text conversation and was on my mind that day.

Baiting is for fishing.

Still a 9...yep she is still pretty hot. :-)

[MLCxH]

Great, all handled quite well LB! When she talks about how you'll be a great find for someone else, don't argue or say you are waiting for her or anything like that. Just nod knowingly, with maybe a little mischief in your eyes

Why do they do that? My exW used to say similar things on how I would find someone else that was great. When I think back, she started saying this during what I think was the denial stage and said it a lot leading up to the D. Funny thing is that once I regained some of my respect from her she has not been talking this way.

So today is 6 months from when I was served D papers when I got off the airport shuttle at 10pm. It was 28 degrees outside. I had flown in from San Diego, she had said she and the kids would meet me at the shuttle drop off. Obviously that was a lie as a courier met me there and gave me a stack of paperwork. I was devastated; it was four days before Christmas, had been gone for a year with the military and all I wanted was to come home. Instead I got a restraining order that said I could never go home.

I had no place to live, a backpack of old shirts and socks(she claimed this was her being compassionate and providing what I needed to get by with), and a key to my vehicle. I had a court date in 7 days. No L answered the phone for 5 of those days because it was Christmas. I was allowed by the paperwork to see the kids under the supervision of her parents at her parents house for 2 hours on one day(not Christmas or Christmas eve). They treated me like a dog; I was required to sit on the floor in a corner of the living room in order to see the kids. After that the only contact I had with the kids was a weekly phone call for 30 minutes for over 5 weeks. I seriously felt like a prisoner.

It was the lowest I have ever been in my life.

This is really rough, so sorry you had to go through with this. Also, thank you for your service to our country. People like you deserve better and it is sad when the people you love and trust the most do something like this. As they say they are taken over by some alien monster and not the people we used to know

[LB55]

Why do they do that? My exW used to say similar things on how I would find someone else that was great. When I think back, she started saying this during what I think was the denial stage and said it a lot leading up to the D. Funny thing is that once I regained some of my respect from her she has not been talking this way.

Trying to let us down softly to ease their guilt that is deep down inside is my vote. I have been thinking if she had just said I want a divorce, lets get this done, I would have so much more respect for her than the path of deceit and lies that she chose. I have little respect for her as a person, W, or mom at this moment in time. I know there is potential for that to return, but that is directly related to the actions I need to see from her. The ones that are non-existent right now.

Next time she says that I am going to agree wholeheartedly. Do my little one sided smile and walk away.

This is really rough, so sorry you had to go through with this. Also, thank you for your service to our country. People like you deserve better and it is sad when the people you love and trust the most do something like this. As they say they are taken over by some alien monster and not the people we used to know

Thanks it is a tough life.We almost made it too. 21 years of service next month. Almost 16 together, almost 13 M. We had it made; two rental homes that would be paid off, a primary home that was super nice, an income of nearly $8k/month before either of us got out of bed in the morning, and plans to support the kids, travel a lot and show the kids the world while they are old enough to understand a bit more but young enough to see the fun in it too.

Down the toilet right now. I knew something was amiss when I left for the year, and by april she had all new friends(I had never met ANY of them), all her old friends left her high and dry, and then the time for me started dwindling slowly. We talked via email or phone every day. By October it was about once a week. Always too busy. By November it was 'I have something to tell you but not over the phone, don't talk to me anymore', then it was go home at Christmas to the D paperwork.
Very much a frustrating situation for all. Oh well, got to move forward!

Going out for my normal Monday night burger and shuffleboard with the guys from work. I look forward to Monday every single week! How many people say that???

[IronWill]

Wow. Reading some of your sit, LB.

From a fellow service member- thank you for your service.

And I'm so sorry you had to go through all that [censored]. Not cool.

Stay strong

[dillydaf]

LB: it seems like my H's walking away was mostly triggered by thoughts of his impending early retirement in a couple of years time, it's almost like things were looking TOO good and the future was going to be full of (good) change so they blew everything up to sabotage things looking positive. Does that make sense? Sometimes it seems to be a pattern is what I'm thinking. Like you save and plan and look forward to a bright future and then when it's about to happen someone panics and destroys it all. I might be rambling here. Love the idea of your regular Monday shuffleboard and I think you're right about the guilt, your W has a LOT to feel guilty about to be fair

[LB55]

LB: it seems like my H's walking away was mostly triggered by thoughts of his impending early retirement in a couple of years time, it's almost like things were looking TOO good and the future was going to be full of (good) change so they blew everything up to sabotage things looking positive. Does that make sense? Sometimes it seems to be a pattern is what I'm thinking. Like you save and plan and look forward to a bright future and then when it's about to happen someone panics and destroys it all. I might be rambling here. Love the idea of your regular Monday shuffleboard and I think you're right about the guilt, your W has a LOT to feel guilty about to be fair

Yeah I don't know, certainly a plausible scenario dilly. She did tell me that my plan for our future was me working in the garage with her standing there handing me tools. I'm not sure how she concocted this idea because she rarely helps me do any of the work on the vehicles or anything. Once in a while I asked her to help for 5 minutes with something but she clearly felt that what I was asking for demanded all of her time doing something she didn't want to do.

She is trying to start a business now, and took out $58K from our accounts a couple days before filing for divorce and transferred it to her business. She is on a 10 day trip to some country in Africa now. She has a big need to have people tell her how important she is and needs to be in control to appear to everyone as having her whole act together. The few people who know differently she doesn't interact with to avoid reality.

[LB55]

So previously my kids had always spent a week with my parents each summer, sometimes 2 weeks. W said she wants that to continue and could I ask them when they are available. I did, gave her a date range that works for them(its like 6 straight weeks; pick one). Told her to let me know what works for her, and that I would schedule it, but she will have to communicate with them for pickup and dropoff as it is during her time with the kids. This was all via email because she doesn't like talking in person very often.

W: You want me to communicate with your parents?
H: Yes.
W: That doesn't sound like a good idea, i don't get along with your parents and im not sure what your parents know about our situation.
H: Sorry you feel that way, you will have to communicate with them to set up the details.
W: It seems like our written communication isn't working very well, can we sit down and talk about this to clear up the confusion?
H: Yes

So she likes email and text unless she doesn't get her way. Written communication isn't working because it isn't what she wanted to hear. She won't get a different answer in person, however it will be a chance for me to validate and listen to her concerns without fixing her problems.

I am not doing this to punish her, but I am not her rescuer from her own problems either. If I had the kids 12/14 days I would expect to have to coordinate with her parents to see the kids in the same manner.

Additionally, she is out of town on her Africa trip, the kids are staying with her parents. I am picking them up tonight and on Friday night, and the expectation from W is that I coordinate with her mom to schedule the times to pickup and dropoff the kids.

she is scared of them because they know the truth. This is my opinion. She is laden with guilt over how she has handled this and doesn't want to face the music. I will tell my parents that they are not to attack her, defend me, or talk with her outside of scheduling pickup times about the kids. This is just a consequence of her choice and she needs to grow up and deal with it.

[dillydaf]

Wow LB, she sounds pretty similar to my H. Guilty at such scummy, immoral behaviour, wanting to look important and in control to outsiders. No wonder they avoid us since we know the truth about them! That sounds like a good thing to say to your parents.

[LB55]

For a little GAL motivation for all you NGs out there, I invited 3 friends out for beer and wings tonight. None of them could go. You know where I am? At the pub having beer and wings. Not gonna sit my butt at home doing nothing. Get out there folks and do something.