Can I Save my Marriage Alone? pt 2

[CanBird]

Previous thread on Newcomers:

Can I Save My Marriage Alone?

H is in MLC. He BD in March. Slept on the sofa for a month, then he shipped off to sea/work until Nov. We have a d3 togther. *see pg 1 of link above*

I've known "something" was wrong, and friends & family have commented as well. It's been a difficult 2 years of us being distant. Me mostly reacting to his distant behavior, by tip toeing around, crying in private. I did confront him a few times and said, " this not being nice to each other has got to stop." Or "Whatever is going on, talk to me or somebody. Is it me? Tell me if it is". And H would say sorry, it's not you.. We've all heard it. And then they drop the bomb.

Initial BD was March. Before he left for work, at the airport, he initiates a hug, I cry. He says, will you be okay?" Me: " I have to; for her/d3". Second BD was after shortly after d3 bday party. He texts, then wants to talk. "I don't want to be married. I don't want to come home." OUCH. He didn't want me wondering for months how he felt. I tried to remain calm (was not on this forum yet) but I said a lot of wrong things. But in the end, we agreed it's our business, not involving family/anyone else.

Lately I've been getting notifications regarding his Amazon purchases. We have separate accounts. Nothing has come here. Probably to his grandmothers. He's purchased clothes & women's foot wear! Latest this; hibiscus tea & a yellow t-shirt. I can't turn the notifications off. I've just excepted it.

Currently we're experiencing major brush fires that started Thurs July 11th. Not evacuated, but ready to.
It takes a major disaster to distract me from this MLC of a storm.

Yes, time is on my side, but is that enough? I want to R. We do love each other. He's admitted to feeling unhappy, stuck, depressed, no friends, this isn't how I imagined things would be, I love you but its different. All my love has shifted to d3.... I don't want to talk to anyone talking to you is enough, I don't see things changing. I don't want to go on like we have been (yet, he's didn't want to try, maybe later)?

Is there any hope?

[job]

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-65, D32,S31

[peacetoday]

Hi CanBird,

How old is your H?

Keep reading and venting here
This forum is packed with good material to understand MLC

It is not your fault and we all react in the beginning-forgive u
The forum has suggestions on how to get through it and not react
some thoughts:

Take good care of you
Focus on your Daughter
Be cordial, kind to H
Vent here and to a therapist, not to him
work and keep the focus on you
work on letting him go--grieve, share ,cry, work through your pain-
get sleep, eat, exercise, read, pray, find support group-


Keep your eye on the finances because the mlcer tends to overspend

watch the situation-
you will only learn about where he is going in his decision in time
'some MLCers do turn around but it takes a long time
many LBS stand for a time while they grieve and watch the situation
In time you will clearly see, what you cant see and know yet-

[CanBird]

Hi CanBird,

How old is your H?

Keep reading and venting here
This forum is packed with good material to understand MLC

It is not your fault and we all react in the beginning-forgive u
The forum has suggestions on how to get through it and not react
some thoughts:

Take good care of you
Focus on your Daughter
Be cordial, kind to H
Vent here and to a therapist, not to him
work and keep the focus on you
work on letting him go--grieve, share ,cry, work through your pain-
get sleep, eat, exercise, read, pray, find support group-


Keep your eye on the finances because the mlcer tends to overspend

watch the situation-
you will only learn about where he is going in his decision in time
'some MLCers do turn around but it takes a long time
many LBS stand for a time while they grieve and watch the situation
In time you will clearly see, what you cant see and know yet-

H is 42 ( I am 48)

This forum is my only place to vent thus far. While H is away at sea/work until November, I will use my time wisely and do a lot of reading to understand MLC. I do understand that it is not my fault. Of course, when your mind wonders or wanders, you ask yourself what did I do wrong?

When I think of H in MLC, it helps me to think of him like he has a sickness/addiction, something that he has to figure out. He knows I'm here to listen, we had a few good talks after the 1st BD. He shared so much with me; something that I was trying to get him to do. I vented to him as well, but haven't since the 2nd BD. Now I know, and I think he knows, it's all up to him. I'm so not ready to let go. He knows that I want nothing more that to try. He's not there, at the moment. I'm hoping that now that he's opened up to what's going on, we can both change for the better, separately, as people, and work on our relationship if that's what he wants. As much as it kills me, I can't be with someone that doesn't want me, the way I deserve to be treated.

One Day At A Time GAL. As mentioned, H is away; we have no contact other than emergencies. It's all business. I feel like I'm the nanny & that's how it will be when he's at home. (Need to work on my cooking skills, for me & d3). Definitely need to keep focusing on myself. And I might seek out someone to talk to.

Regarding finances, that's an interesting situation. He's the bread winner & I handle the money. Watching it come & go is what I do. He has been buying a lot of things online, which is not unusual. The unusual thing is nothing is being delivered to our house. I think it's going to his grandmothers or to is his works main office (then they ship it out to him). I know exactly what he's purchasing online, and he has his own account. Nothing too crazy, mostly clothes. Although 2 items where women's footwear. I'm thinking it was an order error; he ordered his favorite shoes & flip flops.

Any way. Less about him and more about me. Less about him and more about me.

November is a ways off and it scares the [censored] out of me. But whatever is meant to be will be.

[Babe]

CanBird, come here, there are so many articles you will find them are so helpful/useful, no matter when you are at the beginning stages of husband's midlife crisis or the last stages... I'm 5 years post bombed, I found so many great advice here and I'm doing fine now (it was at hell at the beginning since I have no knowledge of what's happening)

Get a life, focus on you, dig deep, never give up and you will survive.

[CanBird]

D3 and I survived a crazy few days of brush fires and almost needing to evacuate our home. Almost breathing easier. Fingers crossed nothing flares up. I've never had to deal with a natural disaster, but the reality is we live where we have to be prepared for these things.

I did text H once during our crazy few days. (and an email to his work). All business, cordial. It was the right thing to do & I did not hesitate to contact him.

What else is going on? Nothing else really. Feeling like I've hit the reset button again. I get going strong in my routine, and something blows things off track and then we get back up again. Thankful we are in good health. Knock on wood!

H ordered a few more things... lets see... a yellow t-shirt, jogging pants & a jump rope. It's actually kind of humorous now, hearing these notifications. Good for him, trying to get in shape while away. I know keeping in shape has always been a struggle for him. When I met him, I fell in love with all of him. People would comment on his weight; I never cared. We both looked our best for our wedding. I'm now smaller than I was before I got married. He's let himself go over the last two years, just didn't care. I hope he figures out something that works for him.

As for me, I've got a few things I need to take care of for next month. D3 & I Might go and visit my in-laws x 4, sister in-laws & niece. (a 45 minute flight) H parents are remarried and they are friends! They are all truly the best in-laws a girl could ask for.

That's all for Today....

[CanBird]

These are my thoughts, please don't judge too harshly.

This is always on my mind when thinking about H & whatever MLC or whatever he's going through. It's a challenge.

"Male menopause", is the more common term for andropause. A year ago I stumbled upon these terms while reading about men in MLC. It was one of those light bulb aha! moments, when I read the signs, so much so that I saved the information on phone, in a screen shot, for a year.

When H had his light bulb moment and BD, I showed him what I had saved on my phone. He read it and and did a kind of hum, head nod, as if to say, could be, and thanked me for sharing that with him. And that was the end of that conversation on that subject. I never brought it up again with him.

From what I understand (and again, these are my views), andropause goes hand in hand with men in MLC.

Has anyone else thought this was a contributing factor to their H in MLC?

[peacetoday]

Hi

Yes it can be partly hormonal and certainly changing hormones do not help

Most MLC happens at about age 40 for men-so hormones probably play a part of all of it
How much of it is not totally understood

We do see a common theme for most MLCers that have had trauma either in childhood and or/ maybe their teen years
If this trauma goes unresolved or if a parent was also a MLCer, it could impact them

I believe that was the case for my XH
His father left the family and M a younger woman..MY XH never had a real relationship with his dad-



just like in teens, fluctuating hormones can make people crazy for sure
But then combine changing hormones, and realizing your suddenly 40 and half your life is over
with some unresolved traumatic events from childhood and MLC is born

Many could and most people do get through this natural life transition relatively easier if they could go within
get some help in therapy and be willing to tackle their inner pain healthy
BUT
In MLC these people do not choose or understand that this is an emotional issue and they need some help
we cant make them understand it either and if we try, they pull away

Instead they choose to follow their pull into replay

replay is a set of behaviors much like addictions
to make them feel good, feel young
some of which include:
amny you may see in teenagers

getting in shape
new clothes
new younger friends sometimes older friends
cars, motorcycles
alcohol
drugs
prescription drugs
addictive behaviors
tatoos or piercings
hair changes
affairs
job changes
spending spending spending
going out, staying out late or all night

You are on the right track
Im glad your home is ok

continue to do as you are
more will be revealed as time goes on-

[CanBird]

Thank you for your reply

We do see a common theme for most MLCers that have had trauma either in childhood and or/ maybe their teen years. If this trauma goes unresolved or if a parent was also a MLCer, it could impact them

I believe that was the case for my XH
His father left the family and M a younger woman..MY XH never had a real relationship with his dad-

H parents had him & his sister young. They never married; eventually went their separate ways.

The kids stayed with mom; she had two more kids, fathered by her X's brother. Or you could say, Hs uncle. So now there are four kids. Same mom, the father's are brothers; make sense? My H grew up thinking, and being told by family, that his uncle, was his father. Those parents didn't stay together., they were never married.

Years later, mom gets married, to a fellow who has a daughter. Mom has kid number five, plus the step kid makes six. Around this time, H was 8 years old, he was told or figured out who his real father was. (Real father was always in his life, but there was this 'secret').

At eight year old H goes to live with his real father, who gets married, and has a kid. That's okay for awhile, and then those parents split up and it was scary & crazy. SO much so that they don't talk about it. Not sure how old my H was when that divorce happened, and not sure what happened after that. I think H went back to living with his mom for awhile, and eventually ends up moving out of state with his dad when he was twenty?

H never ever shared anything about his childhood. He never wanted to talk about it. But after the BD, he did. He opened up about being lied to as a child by everyone. He doesn't trust anyone, or open up to anyone about anything.

You are on the right track
I'm glad your home is ok-

I'm glad our home is okay too, thank you.

I do feel like I am on the right track. I've always been an independent person, and know how to take care of myself. I take care of everything while H is away at sea for 6+months a year. It's when he's done work that I'm not prepared for. The unknown.

continue to do as you are
more will be revealed as time goes on-

I will solider on. The "more to be revealed" part is what scares me. Well, if it doesn't kill me, it'll make me stronger., right? Having D3 forces me to be stronger than I need to be. I slip up, we all do. But she is the one thing that's really keeping my head on.

[CanBird]

Previous thread on Newcomers:

Can I Save My Marriage Alone?

H is in MLC. He BD in March. Slept on the sofa for a month, then he shipped off to sea/work until Nov. We have a d3 togther. *see pg 1 of link above*

I've known "something" was wrong, and friends & family have commented as well. It's been a difficult 2 years of us being distant. Me mostly reacting to his distant behavior, by tip toeing around, crying in private. I did confront him a few times and said, " this not being nice to each other has got to stop." Or "Whatever is going on, talk to me or somebody. Is it me? Tell me if it is". And H would say sorry, it's not you.. We've all heard it. And then they drop the bomb.

Initial BD was March. Before he left for work, at the airport, he initiates a hug, I cry. He says, will you be okay?" Me: " I have to; for her/d3". Second BD was after shortly after d3 bday party. He texts, then wants to talk. "I don't want to be married. I don't want to come home." OUCH. He didn't want me wondering for months how he felt. I tried to remain calm (was not on this forum yet) but I said a lot of wrong things. But in the end, we agreed it's our business, not involving family/anyone else.

Lately I've been getting notifications regarding his Amazon purchases. We have separate accounts. Nothing has come here. Probably to his grandmothers. He's purchased clothes & women's foot wear! Latest this; hibiscus tea & a yellow t-shirt. I can't turn the notifications off. I've just excepted it.

Currently we're experiencing major brush fires that started Thurs July 11th. Not evacuated, but ready to.
It takes a major disaster to distract me from this MLC of a storm.

Yes, time is on my side, but is that enough? I want to R. We do love each other. He's admitted to feeling unhappy, stuck, depressed, no friends, this isn't how I imagined things would be, I love you but its different. All my love has shifted to d3.... I don't want to talk to anyone talking to you is enough, I don't see things changing. I don't want to go on like we have been (yet, he's didn't want to try, maybe later)?

Is there any hope?

CanBird, come here, there are so many articles you will find them are so helpful/useful, no matter when you are at the beginning stages of husband's midlife crisis or the last stages... I'm 5 years post bombed, I found so many great advice here and I'm doing fine now (it was at hell at the beginning since I have no knowledge of what's happening)

Get a life, focus on you, dig deep, never give up and you will survive.

Thank you for your words; I had skipped over you message/post somehow. Guess I was just meant to read it when I needed it, and I did. Cheers

[peacetoday]

CanBird

The more will be revealed is about him..

The LBS is safe from the crazies as long as we
continue to focus on ourselves and be present for our feelings, work through them with counseling or groups and be available for the kids and home

You H had a difficult childhood and will have a lot to work though
most MLCers will never explore their past to the extent that would be needed for a full recovery
MLC takes 2-7 years and you will clearly see what direction he chooses
You will watch from a distance while you grieve and heal-

ON a positive note,

Most LBS go on and fully heal no matter what the outcome
Our well being and our childrens does NOT depend on the MLC
the opposite
Most become happy independent and strong loving compassionate people

Hang in
you are doing great

[kml]

One piece of advice - start looking for work NOW. I know you've been a SAH spouse and it's wonderful that you've been able to do that but you cannot count on your H right now. The sooner you make plans for being self-supporting the better. Even if it's just going to night school while he's gone to work on a degree, or finding a job in a preschool where you would work and see your daughter at the same time - whatever. But don't wait 6 months until he gets home to find out you are financially in a bind. It's a very vulnerable place to be financially dependent on an unreliable spouse.

Also - stash some cash if you can. Again, spouses in crisis can sometimes be very irresponsible about their financial obligations, you need to try to squirrel away enough cash to pay for an attorney if needed, or to pay for groceries and bills for a month or so if you end up having to sue for support.

[CanBird]

CanBird

The more will be revealed is about him..

The LBS is safe from the crazies as long as we
continue to focus on ourselves and be present for our feelings, work through them with counseling or groups and be available for the kids and home

You H had a difficult childhood and will have a lot to work though
most MLCers will never explore their past to the extent that would be needed for a full recovery
MLC takes 2-7 years and you will clearly see what direction he chooses
You will watch from a distance while you grieve and heal-

ON a positive note,

Most LBS go on and fully heal no matter what the outcome
Our well being and our childrens does NOT depend on the MLC
the opposite
Most become happy independent and strong loving compassionate people

Hang in
you are doing great

Thanks peacetoday. Now I understand what you meant by reveal; appreciate the clarification.

I really need to focus more on moving ahead. For me that means.."As if". I guess whatever it takes to get you through these moments. I look at it like addiction; they can only help themselves.

[CanBird]

One piece of advice - start looking for work NOW. I know you've been a SAH spouse and it's wonderful that you've been able to do that but you cannot count on your H right now. The sooner you make plans for being self-supporting the better. Even if it's just going to night school while he's gone to work on a degree, or finding a job in a preschool where you would work and see your daughter at the same time - whatever. But don't wait 6 months until he gets home to find out you are financially in a bind. It's a very vulnerable place to be financially dependent on an unreliable spouse.

Also - stash some cash if you can. Again, spouses in crisis can sometimes be very irresponsible about their financial obligations, you need to try to squirrel away enough cash to pay for an attorney if needed, or to pay for groceries and bills for a month or so if you end up having to sue for support.

Yikes! I hope things don't turn ugly like that. I have been looking at employment opportunities. If I can figure out child care then I'll do anything (within reason).

Not sure how I feel about squirreling money away, but I understand where you're coming from. H makes the money & I've always taken care of the rest (pay bills etc). We're also landlords, so there will always be income from that. I'm a very frugle person, but lately I've splurged a bit more than normal. Mostly for d3 treats, eating out, never anything for myself really). H has always been a spender. He's away at sea/work until Nov and I know what he's been buying online. I don't know where it's going but he's shopping. (I think maybe it's going to his works main office & they're shipping it out).

But yes, I should start figuring things out sooner rather than later.

[CanBird]

D3 and I will be visiting the in-laws next month. Other family too. H parents were never married. They remained friends and both married. I'll be visiting both sets of in-laws. They are the best & actually hangout together.

Before the BD, on both sides of Hs family, some have mentioned somethings off with him. Not happy, grumpy/mean, drinking more. It was actually a relief to hear they noticed a change too. And I wasn't crazy or imaging this behavior. Keep in mind, we don't see each other often.

It'll be interesting to see how things go. Hopefully not too many questions about H. Fake it to make jt.

[bear777]

Try praying going to church.
if its not meant to be by the Grace of God. be prepared

[peacetoday]

yes fake it till you make it!!

It is a good idea to start to figure things out

An attorney can usually give us a lot of information about our rights
consults are free and highly suggested here

Once mLC takes root, these guys go down rather fast
They spend a lot
They lose any previous inclination toward responsibility and usually become careless, negligent parents

Not all Mlcers, but many will abandon ship.

The LBS has to have their ducks in a row..
watch the credit cards now because if he is a spender, MLC amplifies his issues
if he is already a drinker, this is also another red flag

In my experience, MLC just pulls them right into a destructive lifestyle and many can not get out
of this type of lifestyle/addictions once started
Some go deep in dept(mine did)
some go straight into addiction which is classified as a disease on its own and add MLC to that and youve got real trouble-
Basically, I think you understand

Just continue to put yourself first
work on your healing
get finances in order and watch them carefully
even MLCer who make decent salaries can lose everything fast-
expect anything
and be prepared-

[CanBird]

yes fake it till you make it!!

It is a good idea to start to figure things out

An attorney can usually give us a lot of information about our rights
consults are free and highly suggested here

Once mLC takes root, these guys go down rather fast
They spend a lot
They lose any previous inclination toward responsibility and usually become careless, negligent parents

Not all Mlcers, but many will abandon ship.

The LBS has to have their ducks in a row..
watch the credit cards now because if he is a spender, MLC amplifies his issues
if he is already a drinker, this is also another red flag

In my experience, MLC just pulls them right into a destructive lifestyle and many can not get out
of this type of lifestyle/addictions once started
Some go deep in dept(mine did)
some go straight into addiction which is classified as a disease on its own and add MLC to that and youve got real trouble-
Basically, I think you understand

Just continue to put yourself first
work on your healing
get finances in order and watch them carefully
even MLCer who make decent salaries can lose everything fast-
expect anything
and be prepared-

Reading this scares the crap out of me. This feels all so unreal. I'm really scared. Feeling alone, but that's by choice. My movements are in slow motion. Time is kind of standing still. Sad. As happy as I fake it, although d3 lifts the spirits, I'm hurting & having a time letting go. In denial? This is not what I want.

I've been doing doing doing, going going going. I'm exhausted from my routine & I've yet to deal or moving forward. The plans are out there. I'm just having a moment. Another ugly cry. Embarrassing when there's others out there dealing with worse.

I've got to snap out of this funk.

[peacetoday]

Your feelings are normal
MLC is tough
It is so totally not what any of us wanted at the time it happened

It is a scary time --yes for sure
You dont know yet what will happen
But its best to prepare.

He may not leave.
But if it is true MLC..there is usually a long stretch of replay
where they go have fun, party, spend, make friends, stay out, move out ect..
LBS can usually see this sudden change in behavior


Its best to be posiitve but also aware- to protect yourself-and yes work through the fear and pain

We tell you all of this to be prepared
If I didnt take control of our financials during the crises,,when I saw XH was nuts
I would have nothing and could have lost everything we owned

I was aggressive with a good attorney and I managed to save our business that my XH was ruining and draining

Today life is good though-
Most LBS land ok--in fact I hardly read a story here -where a LBS did not become like a power house
and grow and create a good life

hang in there-

[Traveler]

Good for him, trying to get in shape while away. I know keeping in shape has always been a struggle for him. When I met him, I fell in love with all of him. People would comment on his weight; I never cared. We both looked our best for our wedding. I'm now smaller than I was before I got married. He's let himself go over the last two years, just didn't care. I hope he figures out something that works for him.

CanBird, good for you! I've struggled with weight my whole life, and it's amazing when a partner just accepts you. I've had partners suggest diets and workout routines.. and others get threatened when I toned up and try to sabotage me. "You lost a pound! I brought a dozen Krispy Kremes for you to celebrate." This sounds like something you're doing right that your partner hopefully appreciates.

[CanBird]

Good for him, trying to get in shape while away. I know keeping in shape has always been a struggle for him. When I met him, I fell in love with all of him. People would comment on his weight; I never cared. We both looked our best for our wedding. I'm now smaller than I was before I got married. He's let himself go over the last two years, just didn't care. I hope he figures out something that works for him.

CanBird, good for you! I've struggled with weight my whole life, and it's amazing when a partner just accepts you. I've had partners suggest diets and workout routines.. and others get threatened when I toned up and try to sabotage me. "You lost a pound! I brought a dozen Krispy Kremes for you to celebrate." This sounds like something you're doing right that your partner hopefully appreciates

Taking care of the outside of your body does not mean anything if you feel crappie on the inside. But, targeting areas that need work does make me feel good. I've got to work on myself more mentally.

New messages on my mirror: Work on Yourself, Stay Self-Focucsed, Find Joy

(I write on my mirror with a dry-erase marker. Easier than post-it-notes)

[CanBird]

Amazing day at the beach Sundays.. Swam, built sandcastles.

Today art class, errands & dance. I inquired about a part-time job D3 & I can do together. One day a week, childcare, at a local gym. Not sure what the pay is, but I can bring my daughter and she gets to play & met new kids. Gym membership included. I know the mommy of 2 that does it. She's making more inquires for me.

I'm feeling good. Things are feeling promising. Putting the focus back on my self & exercising more, even just stretching at night for 10 mins, really helps me feel strong. Making a daily list and ticking things off. Setting goals & doing something each day that brings you closer to achieving them. No matter how big or small. Tackle the task at hand. Get out & do things. And I've been reading. Something I haven't done in awhile. Pick up a good book & escape. Still gardening. Still happy.

[peacetoday]

That job sounds like fun for both of you
Hope you get it!

[job]

I hope you get the job. It would be fun doing something that both you and your child can enjoy together. Glad to see that you are focusing on you and your family.

You are doing great.

[CanBird]

Nothing too exciting, but all good, so that's good. Trying my hardest to think more about myself and my needs.

Funny how the universe works in your favor when you need it too. That's been my kind of week.

Nothing on the job front. I'll have to find out more on my own.

D3 is well, we're doing our thing.

Next week traveling to see H family. Yikes! I love them all dearly; blessed to have multiple in-laws that are awesome people. Unsure how I'll handle questions about H. The usual questions are regarding him being away at work. (Have you heard from him/ Where is he?) I just give the standard answers: "Oh not too sure where' he's at (he's at sea so really, I don't know unless he tells me his location) he's at work, always busy." Part of me wonders if he's confided in family and they will bring it up (I'm not about to). It's hard not to think about your spouse, especially at night.

Any way. Hurricanes are heading our way (Pacific Ocean). Batten down the hatches! We're all good for supplies & I haven't unpacked our important documents from the last natural disaster fire scare we had. All in all, life is good.

[CanBird]

Still on hurricane watch (Erick & Flossie). This afternoon a huge brush fire, not in my area, consumed 2,500 aches. Uncontained as of sunset. Effects felt; air quality here horrible. Hope no lives are hurt.

Despite all these uncontrollable situations, there are always moments in your day where you smile, or laugh, or even cry because you're happy in that moment. Today was emotional for me. Anxiety? I don't know, I guess? I don’t do well with natural disasters, alone. But, I choose to ride it out alone, with D3. And that is something I have control over. How I prepare. Gives me anxiety planning. Constantly planning. It stresses me out, but I need to plan to survive.

One Day At A Time
Just Breath

[CanBird]

Still alive.(storms & fires) Feeling less anxious once the rain started. Air quality is still harsh, like breathing in wet ash. It's uncomfortable for me, but at least my heart isn't pounding out of my chest. Now I'm just restless.

I finished reading a book! (It's been awhile). Love a good book. Looking forward to the next.

Been scanning jobs. Nothing right now.

Nothing else. Guess no news is good news?

[CanBird]

Wondering: Flashing mail but no mail? Is this a ploy to keep you online longer?

[job]

Ignore the flashing mail. A few people get this from time to time.

[CanBird]

It rained! A heavy downpour. D3 & I were outside and we relished in the moment. Both drenched. It felt amazing in so many ways. Beside the dark cloud that I fall under sometimes, and the natural disasters we've been dealing with, it's been a difficult few weeks. But all that rain was like a cleansing of sorts.

I've got a few things planned for myself. One event I'm really excited about that happens next month; purchased tickets today. D3 will have an overnight with a qualified friend & mommy gets a real night out! Looking forward to live music & dancing.

Days away from our mini trip with in-laws x 4. This will be interesting. What do I say when asked if I've heard from H? Dreading any conversation about him. His mom & step mom certainly suspect something is different about him. Not sure how his Dad or step dad feel. My 2 sister in laws and a niece will be there too. Thank goodness D3 will be there for me ❤

[CanBird]

H Bday is coming up. (D3 & I will be with his family). Sent a card from D3 already. Is it too much to have D3 do a video message?

He hasn't asked about her once. But it would be weird not to send wishes to him. As much as I'm disappointed in his behavior, towards her, the lack of interest makes me want to do nothing. But t I think if my partner is struggling, definitely some depression, a message might give a little light to the darkness. That's what my gut thinks.

[job]

The card is sufficient for the moment. I think sending the video may make him feel even more guilty for walking away. For now, I would hold off on doing the video. There may come a time when you can do this, but for now....I still think the card is sufficient.

[peacetoday]

I agree..the card is a very nice gesture on your part

[CanBird]

No one knows about H MLC (as far as I know). I'm acting "as if". He's been away at sea/work, so being away for half the year is our normal.

H created an private social media account a while ago, for D3. All family and close friends. He was in charge of it and I'd take over when he was away at sea/work. Then we'd both contribute when he returned.

So, I've been living the "as if" life, and have continued to post up updates as I normally would, "as if" nothing is different. (I don't know if H sees anything). I post her silliness for family and friends, it's never a message for H. It's random kid stuff. Thoughts? Continue "as if" or quit cold turkey and the family and friends miss out on her growing up.

Like I said, as far as I know, no one knows about H MLC.

I'm thinking don't stop. It'd be weird to stop for no reason. Even if people knew I wouldn't stop. It's harmless, right?

*no direct messages are made to H via this platform. It's random kid stuff*

[job]

If the platform is available to family and friends as well as your h, then I see no harm in it.

[CanBird]

D3 & I will be flying to see H family, for a week. H parents are both remarried and everyone is friendly & civil to each other. We'll spend time with the in-laws that live there & then spend a few days at a hotel, sharing a room with the other in-laws that are visiting. I'm lucky to have all of them; they are great.

Do I tell H about our visit? (I don't feel the need too). I wonder if he knows?

A married male friend of H, (my friend too, like a brother) is watering our garden while gone D3 & I are away. The friend asked if I've heard from H. (no one knows the sitch). Friend knows H is away at sea/work. Friend actually worked at sea, so knows what H schedule is like. Any way, friend asked If I've heard H, and I said no. Friend has reached out several times to H while he's been at sea/work, and no reply. Friend gave me a look as if to say, "what's up?" I just said, "we'll you know how it is, he get busy". Do people in MLC push everyone away?

With this family visit, how do I handle questions about H, like our friend asked? I'm very emotional/hormonal right now. (thanks mother nature!) I'm not a good lier either. Thought?

[CanBird]

I couldn't sleep. Maybe it was the large energy drink I consumed earlier? I decided to watch a few DB videos on MLC & saving marriages. Thank you Michele W-D., for reminding me how to "Act As If". I needed to hear what it means.

I'm standing. Sometimes I fall. I get back up.

[job]

Yes, MLCers do distance themselves from their former friends and family and pick up new friends. Why? Because they know that the friends of old know them so well and w/the new friends they can be someone else, i.e., no history to be reminded of. Generally, the detachment starts w/the immediate family, pets and home, then friends and other family members. As they leave the crisis, the reconnection will be just the opposite and you will be the last one he reconnects with.

As for visiting his family, I would drop him a very short note and say "Just wanted to let you know that D3 and I will be visiting your family the week of.____". That is all you need to tell him. He may very well know already that you are going to visit his family...but it's nice to just drop him the note in case something happens along the way that requires the attention of either of you.

When asked about your h, be honest and say that you haven't heard from him and that when he's away at sea he gets busy. You do not need to tell his family anything at this time because what is going on between the two of you needs to stay w/the two of you. You do not want to put them in the middle and generally when that happens, as blood is thicker than water, in-laws tend to take the side of their child. You want this visit to be a nice one for your child.

[CanBird]

9 years ago my H proposed to me. A picnic on a bluff, over looking the water. He designed the ring himself. After I excepted, my mother just happened to call. She had no idea. It was a magical moment. This was pre-camera-phone. I just happened to have my camera with me, I normally wouldn't. It was a moment I will always cherish. FB reminded me. Otherwise I'd of not remembered.

I'm still wearing my rings.

[peacetoday]

hang in there CanBird

you re doing great

remember this is his crises...you keep moving forward

[CanBird]

hang in there CanBird

you re doing great

remember this is his crises...you keep moving forward

Thank you PT. I needed to hear those words.

Currently at my in-laws. The subject of H came up with step mil. "His dads finally talk to him a few days ago. He's been trying & trying. Have you talked to him?". I shook my head no, but said we text during the fires (a few weeks ago). Mil "I'm surprised; he's not even asking about D3?!" I shrugged my shoulders. "He must be really busy".

Glad Fil spoke to H.

It's his crisis. His challenge.

[CanBird]

Yes. This is his crises. His challenge. I REALLY have to remember that.

So far our visit with multiple in-laws has been perfect. It's all about them spending time with D3.

There was one moment when step-MIL mentioned it's been difficult for H's father, to get in touch with him, but H father was finally able to talk with him. S-MIL asked if I had talked with H lately? My reply was a no head nod. Then S-MIL made a comment like, "Does he ask about D3!?" I quickly replied, "we had connect during the fires (a few weeks ago), he gets busy, you know how how he is. Same old same old". I tried to brush it off as nothing to be concerned about. Hopefully that will be the end of that, although the S-MIL, love her, she wants to know everyones business. She's married to my H father. Those men are SO much alike. Both S-MIL & MIL have said they hope my H doesn't start acting "crappy", like the father did. Guess there have been moments in the past. Any way, my FIL, is wonderful. I have seen a bit of this behavior in the past, and know S-MIL & him have had their struggles, thrown out the D word, and they are still together. They've both GIL and I think it's made their marriage stronger. I see a huge change in FIL.

We've got one more night here & then spending a few hotel nights with H's mom & family. (My MIL, step-FIL, two sister-in-laws & a niece). Both sides of H family get along. It's a wonderful thing.

*H parents have both had other partners before settling on the ones they have now. Does that mean the same fate for my marriage? Totally different circumstances, but you've got to wonder.

Reminder: This is H crisis. His challenge. The best thing I can do during this time is to give him space.

Thinking of getting a small tattoo whole I'm here. I've got lots of extra hands to help with D3. I've already got some. Been thinking about something small. We'll see.

[CanBird]

Yesterday was H BDay. It's our last day with H mom & family. H father & wife will pick D3 & I up tonight. All of us will have a few hours together. I feel sick today. And I'm trying not to think about H. So hard with all his family around. Faking it & it's making me sick I swear. I just want to be home and have a good cry.

[CanBird]

Had a nice evening with my in-laws x 4 (and a 1/2 BIL, 1/2 SIL, and 1 sister in law, & 1 niece). It's wonderful D3 & I can see them all at once and they all get along.

H Bday was yesterday. I used D3 private social media account to send a quick BDay wish from some of H family. (I was not included). I wasn't going to do anything & felt guilty, because others where sending him messages. Felt I needed to do something to keep up with my act. Today I felt bad for H, spending another bday at work. I debated, & sent a quick email via H work, from D3. Short and sweet. Hope you got my card...we did a video... (He's been at sea/work for over 3 months now). That will be it for those kind of messages. Was it to much? I can't take it back.

D3 and I head home tomorrow. I'm barely holding it together here. I want answers! I want to ask my FIL how my H sounded/was when he recently talked to him. But, I'm standing & part of that is acting as if everything will be okay. Whatever he needs to figure out it's not my crisis. I gotta be strong. I can do this. I'm not feeling strong. Anyone have a favorite quote for hard times? I could use a few new ones.

[peacetoday]

listen to some Joel Olsteen U tube free videos

He talks about hope and faith and believing for the best
very unlifting!

There are no real answers for MLC

It is a real mystery for most, even when we have seen it first hand

In theory, they say a person has a breakdown a real crises..at midlife around age 40
due to unresolved childhood or past traumas
they change dramatically, often becoming someone else
SO
unless that same person has some kind of awakening or professional or spiritual help-

MLC will take over just like a mental illness might take over at some point in life if someone is genetically suseptible
I personally believe that to be true

[CanBird]

listen to some Joel Olsteen U tube free videos

He talks about hope and faith and believing for the best
very unlifting!

There are no real answers for MLC

It is a real mystery for most, even when we have seen it first hand

In theory, they say a person has a breakdown a real crises..at midlife around age 40
due to unresolved childhood or past traumas
they change dramatically, often becoming someone else
SO
unless that same person has some kind of awakening or professional or spiritual help-

MLC will take over just like a mental illness might take over at some point in life if someone is genetically suseptible
I personally believe that to be true

Thank you PT

I'll have a look tonight.

[CanBird]

I've been listening to a lot of videos on MLC, (Michele's are truly my favorite. An Alien has my H! ) For a few days, after being with H family, I tried going cold turkey; not reading/watching anything. Then I was listening to the radio, a spiritual one with current music that really lifted me up. I'm not religious, but I do believe in the power of choice. We have a choice in how we do everything. I have to choose my own path and do what I believe is the right. I have to have the same respect for H. And I believe he's not in his right mind. I hope his being away at sea/work until November gives him the time he needs alone. If he needs more time, I support him. He's my friend, I care for him. But I will always stand by the vows we took.

Looks like I'm just babbling on at the moment. Anyways, the videos help me be okay.

I have a job application. Handing it in next week. No promises, but it's something on my To Do List.

[peacetoday]

Can

You are doing great
I hope you get the job
I believe because you are doing the right things for you and your daughter,,doors will open

keep us posted

[CanBird]

Update: Work & etc Standing Tall

Feeling Good. Love ticking BIG things off my to-do-list. Finally handed in a job application. Position is for 'Child Care Staff'. D3 can come to work with me, & I'd get a gym pass! Guess I'd better get some new gym clothes! A few things. You've got to dress for what you want. What I've got now is tired looking. Anyway, excited about that. Funny how handing in a piece of paper can alter things.

As I was handing in my application, the lady at the front said, someone had put in a good word for me. And that friend told me that she'd spoken personally to the guy that hires. Wow! Unexpected and awesome. I've been out of the work force for 5 years. I'd like to start with something little like this and work towards getting back into pediatric dental. Orthodontics is an interest of mine and I do have a friend that manages an office. Was just there today; stopped to say hi, met one of the dentists. I told him my dental background and he said, "Great! Want a job?" If only I had more child care. D3 will be in Kindergarten in 2 years. My long-term goal is to work more at that time. I want to spend as much time together as possible. Geez, 2 years is not far off. Yikes!

I'm reading book 2 of a series. I was so excited when the librarian told me it was ready for pickup. Nice to bring home something for myself and not just kiddy books. Don't get me wrong, I love reading to D3. She's a good kid.

Fun stuff happening in September. Stay tuned.

[peacetoday]

CB

You are adjusting to your new normal and Im happy that doors are opening
Seems like the dental position will be available when you are ready

I like your plan-keep moving forward and see what happens

[CanBird]

Not much is new. Did I mention my pool went green while away? Had to get it drained. It's finally swimable. D3 is healing from a weekend of mini accidents. Typically kid boo boos. Looks worse than it is. We had a fun weekend regardless.

A friend is coming next week, stay until end of month. We've got a girls night out happening. Complete with D3 spending the night with an auntie/good friend. Live music outdoors, dancing under the stars. Can't wait. Haven't had an adult night since March!

I think somethings going on with H & work. Last pay stub was significantly lower than normal, only $ for 48hrs? So either they made an error and it's back pay, or he's done there. His pay gets deposited automatically before we see any mail here. None of my business right? I open his mail if it's business/work related, he knows this & knows I do the banking. No weird activity there. We'll see what happens.

Wherever he is, I know he's looked at a certain App we're both on. He hasn't look for months, but did this afternoon. What is he up to? Healing I hope.

As for me, holding it together. No word on work. At least I put myself out there and did something I was scared to do.

[CanBird]

Wondering where H is. Not sure if he's at sea/work anymore. He's been at sea/work since April. Pay stubs get sent to the house, and pay is deposited automatically, so I can gather a lot of information from those. The last pay stub was significantly lower that usually and was only for 2 days pay. It could be for back pay. That's what I think. The season usually ends the end of October or mid November.

During July, H ordered a bunch of things online, and I was notified of each item. (I had no control over getting notified, other than ignoring the messages). A few of the last items were odd. I'd rather not go into detail. I think he figured out I knew what he was ordering and disabled the notifications as I haven't had any in awhile. It's whatever it is. His stuff.

So what now? Has he run away? Has he started his journey or is he still at sea/work? It's eating me up. I keep checking to see if there's any activity with the bank. I'm also wondering if there will be anything from work? YES I'm totally playing detective. I'm not denying it. How can I prepare for seeing him again if I don't know when it'll happen?

How do you prepare to come face to face with your spouses MLC after not seeing or speaking to each other for months? My guess is to remain calm of course, and act like a friend? Treat him like a friend that's having problems and listen? That's my game plan.

Time to get off line & GAL!

I'll update at a later date.

Be well everyone.

[peacetoday]

CB

I dont know how to answer this
Maybe Job will know

I Totally get your concern...MY XH also vanished without a trace but that was after the D-
after we had dealt with the house, the business ect..

The paycheck not getting deposited?? Is this your money to pay bills ect?


I dont remember your full story
have you seem a Lawyer just to learn your rights..if you have not I would..
If that money is needed for your survival, I would consider more investigating

[CanBird]

CB

I dont know how to answer this
Maybe Job will know

I Totally get your concern...MY XH also vanished without a trace but that was after the D-
after we had dealt with the house, the business ect..

The paycheck not getting deposited?? Is this your money to pay bills ect?


I dont remember your full story
have you seem a Lawyer just to learn your rights..if you have not I would..
If that money is needed for your survival, I would consider more investigating

I looked back at the deposit history, which is automatic from employer. It might just be a normal delay. We'll see next week. If mail regarding unemployment comes, then I know his season is over. That also comes automatically.

I'm not worried about money, I'm okay there. Haven't talked to any professionals of any kind. Although I feel IC is in my future since I've chosen not to talk to anyone but this board & H.

[CanBird]

Dear Universe. You must have seen that my pool troubles were cleared & decided to through another curve ball my way. Perhaps a distraction from the mlc distratction? That's how things go for me. Especially during the months H is away at sea. "Something" hits the fan big time when he's gone. But we have our health and that I'm thankful for.

The something that happened was water dripping from the ceiling in D3s room. Yesterday I noticed marks under her light switch, as if water was dripping down the wall. It wasn't wet, so I brushed it off as being tired, my eyes not seeing right. This afternoon while cleaning & playing in her room, I noticed the ceiling had a small bubble. Again, I wasn't sure if I was imaging this or not. Then I was certain something was up. Almost an hour went by, it kinda looked bigger. I left the room, not sure how long, but not long. HOLY COW!!!! The bubble was quadruple in size and dripping. PANIC!!!! Keep in mind D3 is with me this whole time. I turned the power off to her room, including the A/C, pushed her stuff out of the way (so much for a clean room), grabbed whatever I could use to catch water. I called my handy neighbor who was there to help in seconds. With a tarp, towels & buckets in place, he poked a hole in the bubble. Air and a few drips. We then vacuumed outside where residual A/C water drips out. It must be blocked. The vacuuming helped, a lot off water poured outside. None inside.

Tomorrow neighbor will return to troubleshoot in our attic. D3 is sleeping with me. Her room has a fan blowing on the ceiling. It doesn't look good, the 1980's popcorn ceiling is dangling like a broken balloon close to her door way. At least nothings in the way, we're fine. At the end of the day, we'll be okay.

So, do I tell H? It's a major thing! I guess I'll wait and see what my neighbor says tomorrow, before deciding anything further.

I spoke to my FIL on the phone about the issue; neither of us mentioned H. My FIL was familiar with the issue, spoke of it just as my neighbor did. I know nothing about the A/C except I miss it when it's not on..lol...

Wish me luck!

Ps- Nothing from H.

[job]

I am sorry to read that you are experiencing a drainage issue w/your AC. Sounds like the little drain pipe might be clogged. There should be a little brush on a very small hose near your AC. Have your neighbor look for it and then gently push that brush into the drain a couple of times to dislodge the gunk that builds up. My AC guys use Simple Green each year when they come out to service the AC before the season starts. Just pour a little bit down the drain each year and it should take care of the issue.

You will need to locate a painter to come out and fix the ceiling damage and repaint, but allow that ceiling to dry. Have your neighbor check the insulation upstairs because it will also need to dry out or there is the possibility of getting mold. You might want to check to see if your homeowner's policy will cover this issue. Be sure to take photos of the ceiling so that they can see the damage. You will have to check to see how much your deductible is as to whether or not they will cover this damage.

I would not contact your h about this until you've gotten estimates and know what it will cost to repair the damage.

[CanBird]

Thanks Job. Good advice.

It's just past 3am now. Part of the ceiling just fell. I knew it might happen. I took photos (after my last post) before bed, and it looked like it might give. Good thing the tarp and tubs were in place to catch the debris. D3 is sound asleep. Wish I could say the same.

I'll update later. Did I mention a friend is coming to stay with us for 2 weeks? She arrives this weekend. Looking forward to that distraction.

[peacetoday]

sorry for your ceiling issues

It teaches us we can handle all things raising our kids on our own
you are doing great taking care of your home and your daughter

[CanBird]

Ceiling drywall is in place & A/C is on! I learned a lot about my A/C unit today! D3 got a lot of screen time today while I helped with things. (Only in emergencies or air travel it comes out). We got really lucky. A few more things, plaster & paint & ta da! Love my neighbors.

[CanBird]

Still no answers. We're fine, covered. Just wondering.

Wondering where H is. Not sure if he's at sea/work anymore. He's been at sea/work since April. Pay stubs get sent to the house, and pay is deposited automatically, so I can gather a lot of information from those. The last pay stub was significantly lower that usually and was only for 2 days pay! It could be for back pay. That's what I think. The season usually finishes the end of October or mid November.

Other questions: During July, H ordered a bunch of things online, and I was notified of each item. (I had no control over getting notified, other than ignoring the messages). A few of the last items were odd. I'd rather not go into detail. I think he figured out I knew what he was ordering and disabled the notifications as I haven't had any in awhile. It's whatever it is. His stuff.

So what now? Has he run away? Has he started his journey or is he still at sea/work? It's eating me up. I keep checking to see if there's any activity with the bank. I'm also wondering if there will be anything from work? YES I'm totally playing detective. I'm not denying it. How can I prepare for seeing him again if I don't know when it'll happen?

How do you prepare to come face to face with your spouses MLC after not seeing or speaking to each other for months? My guess is to remain calm of course, and act like a friend? Treat him like a friend that's having problems and listen? That's my game plan.

Time to get off line & GAL!

I'll update at a later date.

Be well everyone.

[peacetoday]

Usually you will hear something or through the grapevine when they disapear

you may just have to be patient for now

My xh left right after our D
He remarried immediately and that why he probably filed and went thru with the D
He has called me once in 10 years only leaving a VM saying he messed up and wanted me to tell his old friends to call him and left a number
His sisters have not heard from him in years

MY XH was heavily back into alcohol/prescriptions
he was once a sober man

eventually I believe you will get something
it may be served but you will get some information

[CanBird]

Had an intense dream last night. Missing H. It wasn't even a happy dream. It wasn't even him. Lol..

It's the half way mark in his season/work (if he's still at sea), and I'm really missing him. I want to talk to him SO badly. I have not reach out regarding our R once since he's been at sea/work. He has bothered with me or D3. Now that I'm reading what I just wrote, I feel like why would I reach out? His 2nd BD in June via phone call, he said "I don't want to come home. I don't want to be married." So I haven't bothered him.

Do I leave him be? He got a letter from me in March/April after 1st BD; "I want us to work, but I'll give you space." Is that enough?

Long distance MLC [censored].

[CanBird]

Usually you will hear something or through the grapevine when they disapear

you may just have to be patient for now

My xh left right after our D
He remarried immediately and that why he probably filed and went thru with the D
He has called me once in 10 years only leaving a VM saying he messed up and wanted me to tell his old friends to call him and left a number
His sisters have not heard from him in years

MY XH was heavily back into alcohol/prescriptions
he was once a sober man

eventually I believe you will get something
it may be served but you will get some information

Thank you Peace for your reply. I hope H will reach out to his Dad. At least he has during this.

[CanBird]

No mail or new bank transactions. I'm worried. Not about money, but not knowing if H has dropped of the boat, literally. I have to have patience, I know. I really care for this person, this man, so much so I'm not doing anything to see if he's okay. Feels so wrong. Am I jumping the gun? Worried for no reason? Patience patience right?

Renos are coming along. Might be completed this weekend.

[job]

CanBird,

I, too, wasn't able to see some of the recent postings on your thread and contacted the Administrator about the issue. I see that all of the latest postings are now out there for us to see.

Now, about him disappearing off the face of the earth. It's normal for some of them. Right now, he is focusing on himself and his job. He's off in another world and you aren't part of it. When in depression, it is very hard for them to focus and concentrate on things, therefore, they have to focus on things in bits and pieces. He knows that you are capable of taking care of things.

There is nothing to worry about. Just keep an eye on the bank transactions. Dig deeper for patience and allow him to contact you when he's ready.

Glad to read that the renos are coming along nicely.

[CanBird]

Nothing new. Guess thats good? A friend is visiting, staying with us for 2wks. Nothing else to report.

[peacetoday]

enjoy your friend

something will turn up eventually..or you will make the choices to free yourself when the time comes
this is not the way to live a marriage out-but we give them a free ride for a while to see if they can turn around

unfortunately, for most --it seems that once entered into MLC...it is a long road
few spouses can really wait it out

none of it is your fault..you are doing all you can..detach and let go
read about recovery and detachment in Melodie Beatties books and find recovery for you if you feel you need to work on your past as well-

because at the end, there is no guarantee and many will never do the work needed to step up

I know you probably concerned about his well being, but these guys get caught up with the wrong people and sometimes become addicted and make poor decisions

MY XH is a vanisher, and once he chose to leave, he never really returned in any form
he left 2 kids now grown behind..his children

you sound young
and my best advise to you would be to heal through therapy and move forward
life is short
and when your H shows up and eventually he will because he is still M
if he is ready to man up and do what it takes to recover and be in relationship
you can then choose if this man/lifestyle is what you want to pursue

[CanBird]

enjoy your friend

something will turn up eventually..or you will make the choices to free yourself when the time comes
this is not the way to live a marriage out-but we give them a free ride for a while to see if they can turn around

unfortunately, for most --it seems that once entered into MLC...it is a long road
few spouses can really wait it out

none of it is your fault..you are doing all you can..detach and let go
read about recovery and detachment in Melodie Beatties books and find recovery for you if you feel you need to work on your past as well-

because at the end, there is no guarantee and many will never do the work needed to step up

I know you probably concerned about his well being, but these guys get caught up with the wrong people and sometimes become addicted and make poor decisions

MY XH is a vanisher, and once he chose to leave, he never really returned in any form
he left 2 kids now grown behind..his children

you sound young
and my best advise to you would be to heal through therapy and move forward
life is short
and when your H shows up and eventually he will because he is still M
if he is ready to man up and do what it takes to recover and be in relationship
you can then choose if this man/lifestyle is what you want to pursue

Thank you Peace. I read about recovery and detachment quotes/articles by Melodie Beatties. Really gave me a different prospective on what it means to detach.

I don't want to let go, but I understand I need to step aside. It's interesting how words can affect us. Just by reading different versions of the same message, I feel a bit more comfortable in coping with things. More reading on the subject might be the key to helping me be stronger throughout the unknown.

[peacetoday]

Can

IM glad you are finding some other ways to cope and step aside

Alanon...may also be helpful

the book courage to change also has many pages on detachment, letting go, acceptance, grief and change

good luck fellow traveler-

[CanBird]

Recap: H has been at sea/work since April. MLC aside, everything the same (mostly) but this.

It's been almost a month since H last automatic deposit from work was made. And the was only for 48 hrs.

My stomach is in knots. What is going on!?!

Do I ask him? What would I say? "Has something changed at work? Just wanted to let to you know Haven't seen anything from your employer."

As requested, I open his mail, and scan important items, including pay stubs, incase something needs to get corrected.

So many emotions going on here.

D3 and I are getting by for now, but I wanted to know what's going on.

I'm sure this is just what the MLC spouse does, the unexpected.

Give me strength to let him be and let him find his way.

[peacetoday]

Can

You know the usual routine with your H

Is he a drinker? If his alcohol use has grown, that will make matters worse

What do you think?
Have his parents spoke to him at all-
Can they check up up on him? to ease your mind?

If it is not appropriate for H parents to check

If it were me, I would probably find a way to just check up on him

Thats me..DB would say dont call
but I sense you may be concerned for his safety?

IS there a way to message him and just smalltalk about some recent good development with D that you wanted to share
just to make sure he is ok?

Can you check insurance info to see if there are any claims, bank info for withdrawals, credit card face book
email ect to make sure he is ok?

any close friends he may contact-

You also can always do DB Coaching ot get more ideas and figure out the best way to handle it all-

[CanBird]

Can

You know the usual routine with your H

Is he a drinker? If his alcohol use has grown, that will make matters worse

What do you think?
Have his parents spoke to him at all-
Can they check up up on him? to ease your mind?

If it is not appropriate for H parents to check

If it were me, I would probably find a way to just check up on him

Thats me..DB would say dont call
but I sense you may be concerned for his safety?

IS there a way to message him and just smalltalk about some recent good development with D that you wanted to share
just to make sure he is ok?

Can you check insurance info to see if there are any claims, bank info for withdrawals, credit card face book
email ect to make sure he is ok?

any close friends he may contact-

You also can always do DB Coaching ot get more ideas and figure out the best way to handle it all-

I can see he's online, but I don't know where he is. I don’t know if he quit work, and that's why there's no money coming in? Is he looking for a new job? Starting a new life? I feel like a fool wondering, when I should just ask and get an answer, or not. If he's at work, he can't drink or abuse anything. If he's not working, he'd drink. Not sure how much, but he'd indulge.

Mail came for him the other day, I sent a photo, I can see that he's viewed it.

I got offered a job that starts Tuesday. I was excited. Having my friend here is great but I can't open up and let her know what's going on. I'm in tears now as I type this. I wish he'd reach out to me.

[CanBird]

My MIL posted something on fb about needing to know both sides of the story before judging. With a crying emoj. What does that mean? Is H there? Could be one of the others.

[peacetoday]

I think it may be for your benefit to get the truth in the open

I remember not wanting to share this because I felt so much shame

Why cant you share the/your truth with your friend-
get a support group
its ok to be authentic...but no blame
with his parents, with a therapist?

The truth being factual ...non judgemental
H wants out of the M..You are not sure what is happening, if he is ok

You care deeply for your H and the M, you want to know he is ok, you will support his choices

Your D and you need some support, make sure you have all the legal advice done and that you can keep to yourself but know the facts
even though you are ok with money-know what your legal right are

How old is he?
If it is true MLC..usually around age 40...it is a long road..sometimes it never ends---sometimes it takes years 2-7 years
probably the percentage of MLCers that fully recover is low-
even if they return..they are scarred-unchanged and for some the same senerio happens again

What do you want for your life?
Really what kind of Relationship do you want-

You can always keep an open door and heart for him
but you may be better off moving forward a little as you stand-
allow yourself to heal-

[job]

There is another scenario to consider...he could have set up a new account and didn't tell you. My xh did that and I discovered it when I went on line to view the account. Contact the banking establishment to see if he has opted to change his deposits first.

As for your MIL, posting on FB about needing to know both sides, sounds like he's either there or he's somewhere else and has told her about how he's feeling. Keep in mind, blood is thicker than water and they generally lean towards their child and not the spouse when it comes to issues w/relationships.

Choose one close friend and confide in that person. You do need someone IRL to be supportive and a sounding board as you walk this path. Whatever you do, do not open up to his family at this time as they will more than likely tell him everything you say and/or do.

For now, do some banking investigating on your own. Then, I would send him a text or email and talk about your child a bit and mention what happened with the AC. Do not let on you know about the banking issue. He may very well be sitting there waiting for you to react to the lack of funds and then that would also justify his need for a separation from you. You will discover more if you remain calm, patient and do things on your own w/o involving his family.

Please think about seeking the assistance of a lawyer. You need to have child support and he needs to provide for her.

[peacetoday]

Congrats about the job
and tears are good...

hang in
the worst part of this is almost done--

[CanBird]

H has been online. (Off & on). When I knew he was on, I sent a before & after pic of D3s room, the damage from A/C leak,and current reno status. No real description of what happened. Leaving it open for him to ask questions. At least I know he's alive.

We'll see where this goes.

[CanBird]

Things are really starting to change. Not 100% sure where or what H is up to. Zero activity with our bank account. I'm too embarrassed to talk to any friends & I've got a dear friend staying with us right now. I just can't go there. Not ready to dump this garbage out.

I'm focusing on what I'm doing, and of course side tracked by what H might be doing.

Of Life. So many lessons.

[job]

You need someone to talk to IRL. You should not feel embarrassed, but I do understand where you are coming from. Try to remember that you have done nothing wrong and the problem is w/him. He's the one that is choosing to remain "out there" and not communicating. How can you know what is wrong unless he tells you.

Focus on you and what you can control. There is no way to tell what he is doing until he tells you or leaves hints as to what he's doing.

Keep the focus on you and your child and enjoy the time you have w/your friend.

[BarbH]

Congratulations on the job! Don't be embarrassed, it's not you. I second the talk to a lawyer-i did that early on, and didn't need her yet, but knowing where you stand is empowering. Can you talk to your friend? Are you doing IC? I found (once I found a counsellor i clicked with), that IC is a safe place to talk about everything going on, and helped me crystallize my thoughts and plans.

[CanBird]

Thank you Job & Barb H, I've got a number to call for IC. Just need to dial, but feel more comfortable waiting until friend is gone. I tell her & everyone will know. I'm not ready. My friends are like family.
I rather wait until my friend is gone to go to IC.

Re other professional help, yikes. Scary to think about. One hurtle at a time.

[CanBird]

H replied back to the before & after pis of D3s room; The A/C water leak.
His reply: What happened? Are you two okay?

It's the middle of the night here, just after 2am.

I'll reply now because I have time. But I'll give it a few more minutes.

Nothing new with banking. I'm not asking him about it. I'm sure he knows I'm looking, that's normal. But me not reaction to it will be different. Not saying a thing to him.

[peacetoday]

Canbird

This process takes a long time for us to understand..It is a big shocker and adjustment
Take your time

The Lawyer is a scary appointment, but remember it is just to get information
H will never know..This is for you

IC will be confidental and on your side..like a best friend
they listen and give some guidance if we ask for it-

When I got a free consult, with my friends L, I was so empowered..no longer as afraid of what might happen

Please never make any agreements with the MLCer, without knowing your legal rights

I have a friend who trusted her MLCer XH and he took everything
she was really left with nothing-and she never got any legal advise-

I get what you are saying about the banking and do whatever you feel is best for now--
At least he responded and shows his caring for your well being-and he is ok

hang in

[CanBird]

I replied to H, in 2 messages. We're okay & then details on what happened.

Actually 3 messages. I ended with, Hope you're okay.

[CanBird]

Called to make an IC appt. Big step for me.

Going to get a pedi with my friend. D3 at daycare for the day.

[BarbH]

Good for you CanBird! My first appointment was intimidating as I didn't know what to expect. Tried a couple of therapist before finding my "perfect fit". It has helped me out immeasurably-and I wish the same for you. Enjoy the pedi!

I've become a bit of a princess (was a tomboy). I've discovered I really enjoy makeovers, makeup lessons, pedicures and general pampering! Have fun.

[CanBird]

Good for you CanBird! My first appointment was intimidating as I didn't know what to expect. Tried a couple of therapist before finding my "perfect fit". It has helped me out immeasurably-and I wish the same for you. Enjoy the pedi!

I've become a bit of a princess (was a tomboy). I've discovered I really enjoy makeovers, makeup lessons, pedicures and general pampering! Have fun.

Thanks BarbH. Therapist called back during dinner, I took my call to another room, said it was work. I asked to talk after my guest leaves; we should be able to sort something out. House calls are available too.

My toes look great. Had a fun morning with my friend & had a D3 play date after her daycare.

Tomorrow night is a girls night out! Live music outdoors & dancing. D3 sleeping over a friends house. Looking forward to unleashing my inner gypsy. (She usually dances in the kitchen or living room.)

[job]

I am very happy that you made an IC appointment for you. You need someone IRL that can listen and help you work through things. Enjoy your girls night out!

[peacetoday]

Yes Can Bird
Good job taking care of you

remember your 3 year old D will see all of this and she will learn through you to take care of herself
to talk and heal in therapy if needed
to make the best choices for her children as well-

They learn from us

Please make the L appointment as well-
you will gain insight and power

[CanBird]

Finally! Evidence of where he is.

An automatic depoist was made by H work. Usually the pay stub comes via mail shortly after the deposit. When that comes, I'm curious to see if vacation time was taken off.

The last pay stub was Aug (1-15) indicated 48 hrs.

So maybe H took a little time out for himself. It seems so. If so, I hope he enjoyed it. Explains the online purchases made in June. Certain clothing items he didn't have at work. I know what he ordered, just don't know where he went. Not even a postcard? Geez. Kidding!

I was starting to think all sorts of things.... a secret bank account, new address...so he took a trip. He's in MLC. I hope he did whatever his heart desired. Obviously I'm hopeful there's no cheating involved. But he's been a man at sea for over 4 months. I'm sure something happened. Hope for his sake he used protection. Only he knows the truth.

September is almost over. Usually he finishes the season October-November. Tick tock!



Ps- Had an amazing night out. New job starts Tuesday.

[peacetoday]

Glad you got confirmation about H and he is ok
also good job taking care of you-

[CanBird]

Mail from H work, (the 1st half of) Sept pay stub. Nothing weird. No vacation noted. So the month of August is still a mystery, with only 48 hrs worked. Interesting. I still think went on vacation, for his birthday, which was last month. I'm not asking any questions, I'm observing. Happy I know where he is. His season usually ends October/November. Mine has just begun.

Started my new job today; child care at a gym. Blessed that I can bring D3 with me, I get a membership too. We had fun. And it's a 5 min drive from our house! Not great pay, but the rest is amazing.

In touch with therapist. Waiting until my friend leaves, which is this Sunday. Possibility of something next week. Just need a sitter!

Thankful for all the little things, that have come into play.
The things that bring me happiness, if only for a day.
A bird, a dragonfly, butterflies, you flutter in the air.
Your wings are moving, so am I. Together we can: No fear.

[job]

I am so glad you got a new job and it sounds like you and your daughter will have a lot of fun there. Keep your focus on you and your daughter.

Stay calm and continue as you have been. I think you are doing great!

[peacetoday]

Yes awesome!!

[CanBird]

Thank you Job & PT.

So thankful for positive change. This new job is providing me so much at such a critical time. I truly believe in positive thinking gets positive results. Imaging what you, being in that moment, seeing your future.

Focusing on happy thoughts of what I want for myself & D3.

We're going to be okay.

I've got a friend lined up to watch D3 when I arrange my first therapy session. My friend just went to couples therapy with her H. They have two kids, 1 & 4. She wants out; she doesn't 'get him'. I'm glad to hear they're in therapy and hope they work things out. They get along well, love each other, just different personalities.

[peacetoday]

glad you have a good place to leave D

I remember when my D was younger how challenging it was to find safe places to leave her
especially when there is no close family available to help-

I was a stay at home mom-never left my kids-until school age except for important things like therapy-

I get it

[CanBird]

Welcome to October. I love this time of year when things cool down. I feel a shift in things; more confident I guess. My friends visit was wonderful. She's definitely a soul sister. I didn't share my sitch with her, and I don’t regret it. Thought I was ready for IC, now I'm feeling like IC is silly right now

I had contacted someone for IC, and at this moment, I don’t see the point. Perhaps in the future. No idea where this sitch is going. I'm doing my own thing, as I normally do. H being away is normal due to his seasonal work schedule at sea. It's the off season sitch that's unknown. The end of season could be a few weeks or a month.

While my friend was here, she borrowed our 2nd vehicle. When I cleaned it out, I came across the letter I wrote H after BD. It was a good letter. Glad he didn't have it. He knows how I feel. I felt a lot of things, but mainly that I care enough to let go and let him be. I stand by my vows & believe in working through anything. Of course it initially shock me to the core, and I've said it, I've cried the ugliest tears of fear. But I never begged him for anything.

Moving along, last week was my 1st week of work. Love it. Blessed to have D3 with me. I treated myself to a few things to cheer me up. I deserve it.

Cheers to the days we put successfully behind us, and cheers to the days ahead that we'll conquer.

[CanBird]

Finally went to the gym! Have to go after 4:30p to use the child care there. I really needed the physical outlet & time to myself. I've got a hair appt Friday and the following Friday a massage. I want to treat myself to something at least once a month. But when I need my hair color done, I get it done. That's one thing I always do for myself, no matter what. The only thing different is I'm not waiting for H to help me with D3. If I want something done, I figure it out. With or without him here.

We had a great weekend. Went to our local annual Fair for the first time. D3 had a blast. Nothing better than the smile and laughter of a child. Then we went to a small gathering for a kid bday. Friends of H. So hard to dodge questions about his return. I'm truthful; sometime before Christmas. That's what I've always said. People don't really care, they just ask & don't remember. We're all guilty of that. But it was a little uncomfortable being around a hunch of married couples. Especially when they'd be lovey-dovey. Miss that interaction.

That's all for now. Hope everyone else is well.

[CanBird]

A little background refresher. H works away at sea half the year. Typically the season ends Oct-Nov.

Kids are very smart. D3 has heard me talk about her daddy & his schedule. She gets that he's at work, and isn't bothered by it. We have a saying, when someome we love isn't with us, they are 'hearts & thoughts'. In our heats & thoughts. Lately D3 has been talking more about Daddy and asking when he'll be home. And making plans of what we'll do or what they will do. Asking me to read Daddys books, ones that have his voice and pictures. Wanting to hear the story of the day she was born, and putting photos up on her bed of us. There's been a lot of triggers lately, that have her asking about her dad. Breaks my heart that I don’t have an answer. And it's not unusual for H not to know his exact end date. I just go by the previous seasons. What do I tell her? What can I say to my 3yr old? At this point it's still kind of early for him to be done. Guess we both just carry on as if.

H is still actively working. And he's browsing online looking at making purchasers. Is it snooping if the information is available to me? Nothing is hidden.

[peacetoday]

Snooping is not great
but knowing truth is important

hard to know what to tell a 3 year old because you dont have info yet
trust yourself

eventually, if H does not show up to see or speak with D

I would be as honest as a 3 year old can understand

my kids were 5 and 11 at time of BD
My xh was coming here but getting increasingly unavailable as the years progressed

I told my kids at first Dad is going through changes and finding himself
when he moved out
sometimes people go through struggles
He loves them but he needs to find his path

as he got sicker..I told them he is in MLC
sometimes people get mentally ill or in crises
its not about them..He always loves them but he is not capable at present
and I am here

when XH vanished totally
we stayed with this truth of him being in MLC and if he recovers he will reconnect with them
if he does not recover he wont
we are powerless and it is his issues not about them
I know very sad

now they are grown 18 and 24
they both turned out independent ,drug free, smart kids
both go to counseling on and off when needed

they verbalized feelings of abandonment from XH and that is normal

but because divorce and loss of a parent is so prevalent in our society,,its just normal and the kids will have friends going thru the same...so its not so horrible

more important is D knowing you are here always
and you are honest living in reality
this helps them do the same

and you will know more as time goes on and as you find out if H will visit D or not
how to explain a separation if he does not connect

maybe getting books her age level about seperation/D if it goes there
asking a child therapist for guidence

I believe it is best to be honest on their level
and allowing them to have their feelings around their dad leaving
is better than protecting them and pretending

use your judgement and remember you will know more when his time at sea is over in the next few months

and even if the honesty is
I dont really know if Daddy will be coming home this season
but as soon as i know I will tell you-
and I am here for you-

allowing them their pain and struggles is important

[OwnIt]

My daughter at 3 was a bit odd. I'd go into her room to see her in the morning and she would look up and say, "Your dad is dead." And I would say, "Yes he is." He had died 2 years before. If we would pull into a drive thru and weren't the first car, she'd scream "Move car, get out of my way." Why do I mention this, because she doesn't remember any of it. Even though I've told her these stories several times since.

Your daughter is norm and she will grow up in a way that feels normal to her. I would say, "I'm not sure sweetie" or whatever, and give her a hug and a kiss and then take up some activity.

She will be ok, as Peace, DnJ and I can certainly attest, children can thrive with only one parent in the home.

[job]

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