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Previous thread on Newcomers:

Can I Save My Marriage Alone?

H is in MLC. He BD in March. Slept on the sofa for a month, then he shipped off to sea/work until Nov. We have a d3 togther. *see pg 1 of link above*

I've known "something" was wrong, and friends & family have commented as well. It's been a difficult 2 years of us being distant. Me mostly reacting to his distant behavior, by tip toeing around, crying in private. I did confront him a few times and said, " this not being nice to each other has got to stop." Or "Whatever is going on, talk to me or somebody. Is it me? Tell me if it is". And H would say sorry, it's not you.. We've all heard it. And then they drop the bomb.

Initial BD was March. Before he left for work, at the airport, he initiates a hug, I cry. He says, will you be okay?" Me: " I have to; for her/d3". Second BD was after shortly after d3 bday party. He texts, then wants to talk. "I don't want to be married. I don't want to come home." OUCH. He didn't want me wondering for months how he felt. I tried to remain calm (was not on this forum yet) but I said a lot of wrong things. But in the end, we agreed it's our business, not involving family/anyone else.

Lately I've been getting notifications regarding his Amazon purchases. We have separate accounts. Nothing has come here. Probably to his grandmothers. He's purchased clothes & women's foot wear! Latest this; hibiscus tea & a yellow t-shirt. I can't turn the notifications off. I've just excepted it.

Currently we're experiencing major brush fires that started Thurs July 11th. Not evacuated, but ready to.
It takes a major disaster to distract me from this MLC of a storm.

Yes, time is on my side, but is that enough? I want to R. We do love each other. He's admitted to feeling unhappy, stuck, depressed, no friends, this isn't how I imagined things would be, I love you but its different. All my love has shifted to d3.... I don't want to talk to anyone talking to you is enough, I don't see things changing. I don't want to go on like we have been (yet, he's didn't want to try, maybe later)?

Is there any hope?

Last edited by job; 07/13/19 02:20 PM. Reason: Reposted link to previous thread

~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-65, D32,S31


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi CanBird,

How old is your H?

Keep reading and venting here
This forum is packed with good material to understand MLC

It is not your fault and we all react in the beginning-forgive u
The forum has suggestions on how to get through it and not react
some thoughts:

Take good care of you
Focus on your Daughter
Be cordial, kind to H
Vent here and to a therapist, not to him
work and keep the focus on you
work on letting him go--grieve, share ,cry, work through your pain-
get sleep, eat, exercise, read, pray, find support group-


Keep your eye on the finances because the mlcer tends to overspend

watch the situation-
you will only learn about where he is going in his decision in time
'some MLCers do turn around but it takes a long time
many LBS stand for a time while they grieve and watch the situation
In time you will clearly see, what you cant see and know yet-


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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CanBird Offline OP
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Originally Posted by peacetoday
Hi CanBird,

How old is your H?

Keep reading and venting here
This forum is packed with good material to understand MLC

It is not your fault and we all react in the beginning-forgive u
The forum has suggestions on how to get through it and not react
some thoughts:

Take good care of you
Focus on your Daughter
Be cordial, kind to H
Vent here and to a therapist, not to him
work and keep the focus on you
work on letting him go--grieve, share ,cry, work through your pain-
get sleep, eat, exercise, read, pray, find support group-


Keep your eye on the finances because the mlcer tends to overspend

watch the situation-
you will only learn about where he is going in his decision in time
'some MLCers do turn around but it takes a long time
many LBS stand for a time while they grieve and watch the situation
In time you will clearly see, what you cant see and know yet-




H is 42 ( I am 48)

This forum is my only place to vent thus far. While H is away at sea/work until November, I will use my time wisely and do a lot of reading to understand MLC. I do understand that it is not my fault. Of course, when your mind wonders or wanders, you ask yourself what did I do wrong?

When I think of H in MLC, it helps me to think of him like he has a sickness/addiction, something that he has to figure out. He knows I'm here to listen, we had a few good talks after the 1st BD. He shared so much with me; something that I was trying to get him to do. I vented to him as well, but haven't since the 2nd BD. Now I know, and I think he knows, it's all up to him. I'm so not ready to let go. He knows that I want nothing more that to try. He's not there, at the moment. I'm hoping that now that he's opened up to what's going on, we can both change for the better, separately, as people, and work on our relationship if that's what he wants. As much as it kills me, I can't be with someone that doesn't want me, the way I deserve to be treated.

One Day At A Time GAL. As mentioned, H is away; we have no contact other than emergencies. It's all business. I feel like I'm the nanny & that's how it will be when he's at home. (Need to work on my cooking skills, for me & d3). Definitely need to keep focusing on myself. And I might seek out someone to talk to.

Regarding finances, that's an interesting situation. He's the bread winner & I handle the money. Watching it come & go is what I do. He has been buying a lot of things online, which is not unusual. The unusual thing is nothing is being delivered to our house. I think it's going to his grandmothers or to is his works main office (then they ship it out to him). I know exactly what he's purchasing online, and he has his own account. Nothing too crazy, mostly clothes. Although 2 items where women's footwear. I'm thinking it was an order error; he ordered his favorite shoes & flip flops.

Any way. Less about him and more about me. Less about him and more about me.

November is a ways off and it scares the [censored] out of me. But whatever is meant to be will be.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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CanBird, come here, there are so many articles you will find them are so helpful/useful, no matter when you are at the beginning stages of husband's midlife crisis or the last stages... I'm 5 years post bombed, I found so many great advice here and I'm doing fine now (it was at hell at the beginning since I have no knowledge of what's happening)

Get a life, focus on you, dig deep, never give up and you will survive.

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D3 and I survived a crazy few days of brush fires and almost needing to evacuate our home. Almost breathing easier. Fingers crossed nothing flares up. I've never had to deal with a natural disaster, but the reality is we live where we have to be prepared for these things.

I did text H once during our crazy few days. (and an email to his work). All business, cordial. It was the right thing to do & I did not hesitate to contact him.

What else is going on? Nothing else really. Feeling like I've hit the reset button again. I get going strong in my routine, and something blows things off track and then we get back up again. Thankful we are in good health. Knock on wood!

H ordered a few more things... lets see... a yellow t-shirt, jogging pants & a jump rope. It's actually kind of humorous now, hearing these notifications. Good for him, trying to get in shape while away. I know keeping in shape has always been a struggle for him. When I met him, I fell in love with all of him. People would comment on his weight; I never cared. We both looked our best for our wedding. I'm now smaller than I was before I got married. He's let himself go over the last two years, just didn't care. I hope he figures out something that works for him.

As for me, I've got a few things I need to take care of for next month. D3 & I Might go and visit my in-laws x 4, sister in-laws & niece. (a 45 minute flight) H parents are remarried and they are friends! They are all truly the best in-laws a girl could ask for.

That's all for Today....


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
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CanBird Offline OP
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These are my thoughts, please don't judge too harshly.

This is always on my mind when thinking about H & whatever MLC or whatever he's going through. It's a challenge.

"Male menopause", is the more common term for andropause. A year ago I stumbled upon these terms while reading about men in MLC. It was one of those light bulb aha! moments, when I read the signs, so much so that I saved the information on phone, in a screen shot, for a year.

When H had his light bulb moment and BD, I showed him what I had saved on my phone. He read it and and did a kind of hum, head nod, as if to say, could be, and thanked me for sharing that with him. And that was the end of that conversation on that subject. I never brought it up again with him.

From what I understand (and again, these are my views), andropause goes hand in hand with men in MLC.

Has anyone else thought this was a contributing factor to their H in MLC?



~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
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Hi

Yes it can be partly hormonal and certainly changing hormones do not help

Most MLC happens at about age 40 for men-so hormones probably play a part of all of it
How much of it is not totally understood

We do see a common theme for most MLCers that have had trauma either in childhood and or/ maybe their teen years
If this trauma goes unresolved or if a parent was also a MLCer, it could impact them

I believe that was the case for my XH
His father left the family and M a younger woman..MY XH never had a real relationship with his dad-



just like in teens, fluctuating hormones can make people crazy for sure
But then combine changing hormones, and realizing your suddenly 40 and half your life is over
with some unresolved traumatic events from childhood and MLC is born

Many could and most people do get through this natural life transition relatively easier if they could go within
get some help in therapy and be willing to tackle their inner pain healthy
BUT
In MLC these people do not choose or understand that this is an emotional issue and they need some help
we cant make them understand it either and if we try, they pull away

Instead they choose to follow their pull into replay

replay is a set of behaviors much like addictions
to make them feel good, feel young
some of which include:
amny you may see in teenagers

getting in shape
new clothes
new younger friends sometimes older friends
cars, motorcycles
alcohol
drugs
prescription drugs
addictive behaviors
tatoos or piercings
hair changes
affairs
job changes
spending spending spending
going out, staying out late or all night

You are on the right track
Im glad your home is ok

continue to do as you are
more will be revealed as time goes on-


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Thank you for your reply

Originally Posted by peacetoday

We do see a common theme for most MLCers that have had trauma either in childhood and or/ maybe their teen years. If this trauma goes unresolved or if a parent was also a MLCer, it could impact them

I believe that was the case for my XH
His father left the family and M a younger woman..MY XH never had a real relationship with his dad-



H parents had him & his sister young. They never married; eventually went their separate ways.

The kids stayed with mom; she had two more kids, fathered by her X's brother. Or you could say, Hs uncle. So now there are four kids. Same mom, the father's are brothers; make sense? My H grew up thinking, and being told by family, that his uncle, was his father. Those parents didn't stay together., they were never married.

Years later, mom gets married, to a fellow who has a daughter. Mom has kid number five, plus the step kid makes six. Around this time, H was 8 years old, he was told or figured out who his real father was. (Real father was always in his life, but there was this 'secret').

At eight year old H goes to live with his real father, who gets married, and has a kid. That's okay for awhile, and then those parents split up and it was scary & crazy. SO much so that they don't talk about it. Not sure how old my H was when that divorce happened, and not sure what happened after that. I think H went back to living with his mom for awhile, and eventually ends up moving out of state with his dad when he was twenty?

H never ever shared anything about his childhood. He never wanted to talk about it. But after the BD, he did. He opened up about being lied to as a child by everyone. He doesn't trust anyone, or open up to anyone about anything.

Originally Posted by peacetoday


You are on the right track
I'm glad your home is ok-


I'm glad our home is okay too, thank you.

I do feel like I am on the right track. I've always been an independent person, and know how to take care of myself. I take care of everything while H is away at sea for 6+months a year. It's when he's done work that I'm not prepared for. The unknown.

Originally Posted by peacetoday

continue to do as you are
more will be revealed as time goes on-


I will solider on. The "more to be revealed" part is what scares me. Well, if it doesn't kill me, it'll make me stronger., right? Having D3 forces me to be stronger than I need to be. I slip up, we all do. But she is the one thing that's really keeping my head on.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
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CanBird Offline OP
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Originally Posted by CanBird
Previous thread on Newcomers:

Can I Save My Marriage Alone?

H is in MLC. He BD in March. Slept on the sofa for a month, then he shipped off to sea/work until Nov. We have a d3 togther. *see pg 1 of link above*

I've known "something" was wrong, and friends & family have commented as well. It's been a difficult 2 years of us being distant. Me mostly reacting to his distant behavior, by tip toeing around, crying in private. I did confront him a few times and said, " this not being nice to each other has got to stop." Or "Whatever is going on, talk to me or somebody. Is it me? Tell me if it is". And H would say sorry, it's not you.. We've all heard it. And then they drop the bomb.

Initial BD was March. Before he left for work, at the airport, he initiates a hug, I cry. He says, will you be okay?" Me: " I have to; for her/d3". Second BD was after shortly after d3 bday party. He texts, then wants to talk. "I don't want to be married. I don't want to come home." OUCH. He didn't want me wondering for months how he felt. I tried to remain calm (was not on this forum yet) but I said a lot of wrong things. But in the end, we agreed it's our business, not involving family/anyone else.

Lately I've been getting notifications regarding his Amazon purchases. We have separate accounts. Nothing has come here. Probably to his grandmothers. He's purchased clothes & women's foot wear! Latest this; hibiscus tea & a yellow t-shirt. I can't turn the notifications off. I've just excepted it.

Currently we're experiencing major brush fires that started Thurs July 11th. Not evacuated, but ready to.
It takes a major disaster to distract me from this MLC of a storm.

Yes, time is on my side, but is that enough? I want to R. We do love each other. He's admitted to feeling unhappy, stuck, depressed, no friends, this isn't how I imagined things would be, I love you but its different. All my love has shifted to d3.... I don't want to talk to anyone talking to you is enough, I don't see things changing. I don't want to go on like we have been (yet, he's didn't want to try, maybe later)?

Is there any hope?

Originally Posted by Babe
CanBird, come here, there are so many articles you will find them are so helpful/useful, no matter when you are at the beginning stages of husband's midlife crisis or the last stages... I'm 5 years post bombed, I found so many great advice here and I'm doing fine now (it was at hell at the beginning since I have no knowledge of what's happening)

Get a life, focus on you, dig deep, never give up and you will survive.


Thank you for your words; I had skipped over you message/post somehow. Guess I was just meant to read it when I needed it, and I did. Cheers


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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