Murphy, its you !

[gzabetas]

Part 1 of my story is here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2842310#Post2842310

Continuing here..

"Murphy, its you !"

I think in terms of movies alot.
This phrase is in my mind when I think about us LBS.

We see this alien who has abducted our spouse, irrational, confused, having thrown everything away.
This stone faced other creature, going mechanically thru the motions.
I am only talking about the spouses that were genuinely nice people to their wives/husbands but due to some deep childhood trauma or psychological disorder, couldn't cope and bailed on us.

Saw the wife the other day, and deep behind her eyes I saw a glimmer of that love. Kind of like she remembered some good stuff - the real story, not the script she has rewritten which is falling apart lately. The made up script is so unbelievable, she doesn't even believe it now.

I felt like tapping her on the shoulder and telling her something to the effect "Murphy, its you !"

For those that have seen the film Robocop, I think it will resonate.

Somewhere behind that armor of their indifference and hatred we see a glimpse of their former self.

[gzabetas]

Well, picked up my 4 year old today. Wife said he asked for me, so even though its not one of the 4 days I get him per month (here in medieval southern Greece) I was glad to have him. I usually get him on freebies like this whenever she deems fit. I take the crumbles as I spend quality time with the little one.

Today he asked me when are we going to go for vacation as a family.
I dont know what to respond to this. Any input welcome.
I dont know if the W is putting words into his mouth or if he genuinely wants to see us as a unit on vacation.
He has understood that we live in separate homes (but every so aften he asks me "Why did we move out of the house dad? - THis kills me every time, as I dont know what to tell him there too)

She has dug a hole in me and I am finally getting on my feet. But what about this vacation thing now??

puzzled

[MrBrside]

Loving the title of the thread..

And loving the comparison... But i'm biased, as Robocop is one of my favourite 80s films...

My WW asked me to spend more time as a family a few weeks ago ( mentioned in my sitch ) - my personal take on it is a no no, as they will probably just cake eat.. I also feel it could give the wrong idea to your child..

[gzabetas]

Hey thanks for the compliment on the thread title.

Yeah Robocop is up there on my favorites too.
I have the book by Taschen on Paul Verheoven on my bookshelf. Great artwork on behind the scenes for that film.
Love the Christ metaphors in it (at one point he walks on water - at the gas station he is seen walking on spilled gas, but it is a clear metaphor) - I also teach semiotics in film, so I am biased
He is killed and resurrected. Only this is a Jesus of our times, carrying a weapon, so to say.

Fellow Greek Basil Polidouris wrote a great score (I love the strings when he enters his home that is up for sale, and he has flashbacks of his old family - that sounds so familiar to many of us LBS these days)
He cant cry, so the strings in the score cry for us. They tear at our soul at that moment.

Also on an interesting side note, my brother is a waiter in LA and brought Verhoeven his take out order to him a few years back. I was so jealous when he told me, as I would have loved to have met him in person.

Will read your sitch helpme12 to catch up.
I feel the same way about the wife/son vacation.
Tough love bur you are right, save him bigger heart ache down the road.

[gzabetas]

Had to go into the old town yesterday for work. Mentioning it to my my wife she asked if I could give her a ride and she would take the kid to the swings. She has no transportation so I did so.

When it was late and I picked them up to return to their home, my 4 year old asked if we could all eat out together like the old days. Oh crap, I thought. To make him happy we all went out. And it was fun.
2 divorced parents being professional partners in raising our kid.

And then I noticed she had some sauce from the sandwich smeared on her face. I told her where it was and it took a while for her to get it. And bang, my stupid human heart kicked in, and we were back to when we first met, and I remembered something similar. I put on my sunglasses as I knew tears were coming.
I knew the robot my ex would feel nothing. I went to the bathroom to recompose.

Anyway the next day of course she rewards me by going out on some date with a guy, while it was my night with the kid. Lesson relearned, Dont get fooled again.

To other LBS spouses, dont lose your heard earned detachment like me.
Right when you think you are detached, our hearts are like teenage girls waiting to be consumed again.

[Yail]

gzabetas, don't be too hard on yourself about having a bit of emotion to a memory. That doesn't mean you aren't detached - just that you have real feelings. You excused yourself and hid the blip of sadness which sounds like the right thing to do.

"Professional partners" is a great term. I hope you can continue to aim for that in your parentingand not be too hard on yourself when you find a few bumps along the path.

[gzabetas]

thanks yail. peace to us both my friend.

[gzabetas]

Short update.

Saw the wife yesterday as I went to pick up the kid in a cafe.
She was there with her date, boyfriend, not sure. I handled it like it meant nothing and even made small talk with him.
Picked up the kid and went for a walk.

We are now 2 months post divorce and I was just wondering how peculiar all this is.

Why didn't it bother me that I saw her with him? No image of us together popped in my mind.
This is detachment at work.
But its not really bliss or happiness. Its as if your body kicked in for your emotional well being and got your whole body numb to the situation.
The Radiohead lyrics came to mind "I'm not here, this isn't really happening".

For the first time in my life I felt like The Stranger in Albert Camus' book.
Detachment gone into numbness.

Of course the forum members here helped nail that concept into my head.
It was nice to hear that it was a good thing to accomplish and headed in the right direction when detaching.

In all honesty if I hadn't detached I dont think I would have handled all the other craziness she drops my way.
She still sees me as the source of all her unhappiness and mishaps in life.


And the second question that pops in my mind is:

Who was this person that I shared 10 years of my life with?
Who were they really?
Her thoughts were probably building a case against me from day one.
"I'll show him, the minute I get a leg up, down he will go"
I can see that clearly now.

[unchien]

gzabetas - That Radiohead song popped in my head literally today, those specific lyrics even.

Numbness implies you are incapable of feeling. I think you are indifferent, which is a true sign of detachment. You are capable of having emotions and feelings, just not about her.

I'm sure you'll have your ups and downs, but glad to hear such a positive update!

[LH19]

There was a great poster on here Accuray (btw his posts are pure gold and everyone should read them all) who used to say that you will get to a point where if you looked out your window and saw your ex having sex on your front lawn you would just shrug your shoulders and say "that's weird".