I am new here and would like to say that the advice I have read here is really positive and motivating me to keep going.
My partner of 14 yrs (we have 3 kids) has said that we are over. He said this 4 weeks ago but is continuing to stay at home, yet searching for houses. No real reason given, just says we have run our course - although we were due to marry this year and even in April he couldn't wait to marry. I have wondered if there is an affair but he suffers from PTSD also.
Initially I did all the wrong things, crying, texts, emails, shouting, accusing him of infidelity, making it all about me etc etc and I have pushed him further and further away from me. I have also done things I am not proud of, such as cutting a tear in his new jeans out of frustration. (No excuse)
I have started the process of LRT last week and started to feel more positive but every time he wants to talk about moving out, custody of the kids, and even asked me to help fill in a form for housing I become unstuck. I don't know what to say and I do these irrational things out of frustration so then feel like I'm back at square one. Also, he seems to have noticed that I have been carrying on as normal and happy, taking new hobbies but said it is p***ing him off!? I think because I haven't been sat around crying.
Any advice with what I should say in conversations regarding the future and our relationship would be greatly appreciated. Also, I cut the jeans last night after finding he had hidden them. He has taken them for a night out and I feel like the worst person alive. (I know I need to work on my own issues here). Should I own up?
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I’m sorry you’re in a situation that has led you here, but in my opinion, this is the place to be when you are in this situation, if that makes sense. This forum has been a lifeline to me and kept me sane in these past months. There are so many experienced and wise people here who are always ready to help and guide you.
Don’t be too upset about setbacks, we all make mistakes, don’t dwell on them. Just try to keep on working on yourself. What I’ve understood is that the partners might get angry at first when you start GAL and changing. Especially if they see you acting happy and normal. I think it’s because they’re so unhappy and can’t understand why you are so happy in this situation.
If he wants to talk about the future, you should listen to him, let him do the talking. Don’t argue, cry or get upset. Don’t encourage him either. Validate his feelings, but mostly let him talk. I wouldn’t help him with any of the forms or legalities. What I’ve been told is to let him do all the heavy lifting.
I don’t know what to say about the jeans, I personally wouldn’t go and own up to it unless he asks about them but if he does ask, tell him the truth and apologize.
Read thru the links Cadet gave you and work on yourself. You are the only person you can work on.
On BD Me 39 H44 D14 D12 S10 M19 T19 BD 3/19 Separation 3/19 H filed for D 4/19
Do not help him with any forms..Let him do all the heavy lifting on his own if he wants to talk..just listen nod and validate his point of view share your feelings with a therapist friend or here interesting that he gets upset if your happy- He may want you to stay put as a back up plan
about the jeans: I would not say anything and forgive yourself- This is an extremely tough situation and all of us have reacted at some point
One time MY XH affair partners sun glasses were in his truck and the door was open You can guess where the glasses went-
now for the solution-
focus on you and the kids If he is in MLC this will take a long time you have to work on healing you and raise your kids find new hobbies, new friends, exercise, yoga, mediation,get rest, cry when you need to not around him, journel, read,take up dancing whatever you can do Its hard with 3 kids but I used to do Yoga at the house and mediation, playing an instrument ect... its also good for the kids to see your life is full of interesting hobbies and friends-church temple or whatever spiritual you believe in
the MLCer usually becomes more irresponsible and is not a good parent as tome goes on- watch the finances --they can also spend a lot they revert to a carefree stage of life that was not completed or unresolved in some way-
you may notice, new clothes, new hobbies, cars, toys, new friends, tattoos, hair changes, losing weight In MLC, there is nothing we can do to change them or fix them It is about fixing ourselves and letting them go
sorry-I know that is not what you want to hear
we are here for you and have all traveled the bumpy path but I can promise you if you stick with your greoth and ealing you will find yourself in a better place and happy again in time
peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you for all your advice, it is greatly appreciated. And big thank you for the links Cadet, I have started on reading those.
I think I am finding it hard because he still comes home and sleeps beside me. He has occasionally pulled me close and cuddled me which has given me mixed signals too.
For us its started off as something I could have had under control but emotions got the better of me, which is now we are where we are.
I think with the jeans situation I was frustrated at the fact he has never bought new clothes in 14 years and now all of a sudden he has a new wardrobe. Still no excuse on my part.
We are also taking our children to Florida at the end of the month, something which will be difficult but I shall remain upbeat and focus on me and the children.
I just hope that I am not too late in realising my mistakes and I have a shot at turning this all around by working on and fixing myself.
I know how hard it is the MLcer is very confused and will give us mixed messages They are not sure what they want--all they know is they are unhappy and think that a new start can fix that but of course happiness is within not on the outside-
Nothing you did could have stopped this if its true MLC- they are a time bomb
yes it good to see what mistakes we made in the M- change all we can grieve, share our pain with a therapist and watch the MLCer to see what direction he goes- You will know more later
and yes the florida trip may be difficult Try to have fun and let the problems stay at home for now try to live with the uncertainty of it all-
and take the best care of you right now there are many u tube videos..on marriage, relationship advice, spiritual Joel Olsteen is very good an d uplifting, Tony Robbins all of these can be helpful in learning new behaviors, developing a positive outlook and creating a new life- hang in it will get easier
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi K84. I believe my H is in MLC too. I've got a d3.
Reading articles on MLC has helped me along so far. (BD was March: H away at sea/work until Nov).
I've wondered about the "art of conversation" as well, when H decides to talk.
Do you wish to R? Taking care of your kids & yourself are definitely your priority. Sometimes I tell myself H is sick (like maybe an addict) & going through a challenging time that only they can figure out/fix. It's got to be hard with him next to you. (H slept on the sofa for almost a month before going out to sea).
What do you want from this?
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Thanks for your reply. It's so hard isn't it. I really want to make us work, but realise that I can't control/fix anything so am focusing on myself and the kids.I believe him to be suffering from depression and has said that his father died unhappy and he doesn't want to? But we have been so happy and now he can only see the negative.
It's been quite a shock. We have had a lot of changes in 18 months. Father-In-Law passed, both H and I got new full time jobs and so relationship has taken a hit. I had previously always worked from home so had time/energy for everyone. The relationship has been neglected in 18 months and I see that but now he isn't interested and I can't suddenly put the effort in. This seems to be the biggest issue which has led to this. Knowing how to play it is tough. I'm unsure if there is another woman but I would say my gut says so. I've put those thoughts into a box, no snooping etc because that for me is a sideline issue.
He asked me to help fill some housing forms in last night and when I declined his monster came out. In the end I gave him some info. It seems that the more I am GAL and doing 180s the more he is bringing up discussing the relationship and trying to start arguments. I find it hard to know what to say so have started saying nothing but that gets him more angry. He keeps asking lots of questions as to what I'm doing etc and I answer them warmly but not overly enthusiastic.
sending you strength and love, it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through all this.
I have been sticking to LRT for the past 3 weeks and GAL. I have taken up hobbies that I used to do before we had children, and have gone back to dance. H has shown an interest in what I am doing and has asked lots of questions. I have answered warmly but not enthusiastically. We have also watched tv in the same room which hasn’t happened for months. He also made a few excuses to touch me after dance class.
The next day however he was moody and withdrawn, trying to pick an argument. I haven’t changed my behaviour towards him and am continuing with LRT and 180s.
I have wondered whether he is trying to put me in the friends category or whether I am making tiny progress.
Also, I am pretty certain now that there is ow. I have no concrete evidence and have resisted snooping but if he is, should it be confronted in order to deal with it or do I carry on with me as I have been doing, showing him I am making a life on my own with the children.
If your h is in a MLC, he will think of the relationship that he has w/you very differently. To them, friendship means something totally different than we would think of it. In my opinion, friendship to them means alleviating their guilt and shame of what they have done and continue to do to us as well as if they appear friendly to us, we will be less likely to say no when they want something.
As for him being warm and friendly to you, it could have been a test to see if you will revert back to your old self and he liked what he saw in the way that you've started to do move forward and do things. As for being moody and withdrawn the next day...this is very typical of them because they realize that they still have warm and fuzzy feelings for us and they do not want to have those feelings. Why? Because, in their minds, we are the reason that they are so unhappy.
His behavior can be looked at as the distancer/pursuer dance. Trying to pick arguments is his way of trying to justify why he's doing what he is. You didn't take the bait and continued as you have been. Don't stop...keep moving forward and living your life to the fullest.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I will continue on with me and the children. I have decided to not try and find evidence relating to the probability of OW right now as it will only hurt me. We are going on holiday/vacation for 2 weeks at the end of the month, which is why I have decided to not snoop as I would like the children to have the best time.
H has said that he will be moving out when we come back from holiday, so I will wait and see if that actually happens.
I have also signed up for telephone coaching so hopefully will be able to gain advice/create a plan before we go.
So, he just brought up moving out again. Custody of the kids, how it will work. etc etc and this is where I do not know what to say/do!
I just agreed with everything he said but he started on some nasty stuff. Asked why I have changed over the past few weeks and if I am on drugs?! (Since doing LRT) said he doesn’t like who I am at the minute. It was rough.
He sees the changes and in his mind, he thinks you are doing it just to make him rethink what he is doing. Your changes have to become permanent and not just a ploy to him. Don't change a thing back to the way you use to do them.
When he spouts about things that he's unhappy about just say "h, I'm sorry you feel the way that you do" and just leave it be.
You will learn to dislike his behavior more and more. He's picking a fight to justify everything he's doing and to help him make the decision to leave. If he wants to leave, he'll do it under his own steam.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job, he pushes and pushes for a reaction. I didn’t raise my voice at all nor get upset. He said he didn’t like me as a person anymore and I said I’m sorry he feels that way.
He talked about not coming on holiday or if he comes we take it in turns on days out with the kids which I think is ridiculous.
Try to look at his behavior as a two year old acting out. He wants attention no matter if it's good or bad. Yes, he is doing a lot of pushing to get the old Kirsty to react. The more you remain calm, the more he's going to try your patience.
Well, if he doesn't want to come away on holiday, that's on him. He won't be hurting anyone but himself.
Stay the course and know that when he finally realizes that he's not getting any where being a spoiled two year old, he will try being nice and attempt to suck you back into his game of distancer/pursuer.
Hang in there, dig deeper for patience and continue to be YOU!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The holiday may be a difficult one especially if he stays in this mood
I would get myself ready to expect anything and plan on being ok with everything- Make plans to have fun with the kids no matter what mood he is in
They do say stuff to get a reaction, so you did great not allowing him to push your buttons
continue to do as your are.. you will know more as time passes and you see if he follows through with leaving
Did you get a consult with an attorney? Are you watching the finances very important to get all the information you can to protect yourself and the kids
MLCers change so quickly and the man we think we knew is totally gone-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
In past arguments during our relationship he would always blow up in anger, say hurtful things etc and I would be silent usually crying. At the minute I am listening and trying to validate his feelings but am still quiet. (not crying) Should I carry on with this tactic or try another?
I haven't met with an attorney as we aren't married. We have been together 14 years and engaged for 12, and were looking at finally getting married this year. I think this has been an issue also for both of us as we desperately wanted to get married but had struggles along the way. H was an athlete so we travelled all over with 3 young children, and money was tight. We had zero help from anyone but that brought us closer. Since he retired last summer alongside his fathers passing, he has been more emotional and this is where I failed to meet his needs due to working full time and juggling the kids.
He knows how I feel. I have told him I would like to save the relationship, draw a line under the old one and start a new one together. I haven't mentioned it for a few weeks as that was driving him more away.
He plans to move out 2 days after we return from the holiday. He said that he will not live locally and that there will be zero contact as we can pass messages through the children. (unrealistic and unfair on the kids).
He came home from work really down/depressed looking last night, then brought all this up again about not coming on holiday or doing a week each etc. I am starting to wonder if there is another woman if she is putting pressure on him and doesn't like the fact that we are going away together. Who knows, and I know I should let all those thoughts go.
I tried a lot of strategies to try to get him back-nothing worked It was a very painful time
Even though you are not Married, I would get some legal advice many attorneys will do a free initial consult and during that free hour, they usually will let you know your options i found it so empowering to know that me and my kids would be ok financially and I actually had options especially if you own property or have shared assets or accounts
If you share a credit card, I would get your name off of his cards and make sure you are not linked up to his card in any way MY xh was always good with money until MLC..He started gambling , he put our thriving business in debt all without me knowing He also racked up a lot of credit card debt. which he never paid and because I took my name off all cards and seperated all accounts, they could not come after me-
In my experience with MLC and reading the stories here- I would strongly suggest to research/save any financial resources, and get legal advice anyway-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Yeah, he was a setup for a midlife crisis: retiring from being an athlete ( without the fame and fortune he probably sought, I'm guessing?) AND his father dying. That's a setup for feeling like life is passing you by and you better go do what you want before you're dead.
Your guess about an OW not wanting him to go on a trip with you may be a good one.
What is he doing for work now that he's out of sports? How will he pay child support? Are there any jointly owned assets or debts?
Thanks peace, I have a fun weekend planned with the kids. Hope you have a good one too!
Kml, I agree that he was a great candidate for mlc, I think he wasn’t bothered about fame etc but being a military man previous, it’s always been about having a goal and Challenge and now he has none.
He works full time in a “normal” job and has a new group of work mates he socialises with who I have never met. Only been in this job 8 months and he hated it until May when suddenly he loves it. Coincidence I think not (BD in May).
No debts but no real assets, only cars. We rent the house. He now plans on living with a “friend” next week before we go away as he can’t stand me at the minute and I am not the person he knows (since doing 180s) I would have always begged for him to stay if he ever threatened to leave in the past and I haven’t done that this time. I simply told him how I felt and that I wanted to save us. That was weeks ago.
I’m playing it coo and keeping calm. Think I need some stronger goals though to work towards.
He works full time in a “normal” job and has a new group of work mates he socialises with who I have never met. Only been in this job 8 months and he hated it until May when suddenly he loves it. Coincidence I think not (BD in May
Oh yeah - I'm sorry, there's an OW. Odds are good he's lied to her about your relationship.
I'm curious - how come you guys never married before? After three kids it seems odd. Was it his decision or yours? Who benefitted by not being married?
Yea I think definitely another woman. Should I let it be or snoop? We had 3 kids very close together, travelled with his sport round the world. Marriage just kept getting put back. Also, money was tight. We had said that we would go to vegas this year just us and the kids to get married which was the plan before all this.
Always in a major argument he would start packing bags, and say he was going. I would cry and beg him not to. This time I've agreed with him. He seems to be in a rush to leave now.
You see how controlling that was? He's packing and leaving unless you give up your wants and needs? Unless you shoulder responsibility for all that's wrong in the relationship? You sacrificed in order for him to pursue his athletic dreams and what you have to show for it is three kids and no assets.
Look at the things he wasn't. He wasn't the guy who wanted to rush to marry you and create a stable home for his family. He wasn't the guy who put aside his dreams to be a good family man who put his family's future first. I'm willing to bet you did the majority of compromising and accommodating in this relationship.
You didn't push him out. You stopped letting him play his controlling game.
It may be worth knowing who the OW is IF you can control yourself. Just so you know who she is in future interactions.
You could tell your H he's free to go, but in leaving his family and his loving partner he's leaving the best thing he ever had, just for a piece of a**. And that you hope he's at peace with the fact that another man will likely end up raising his children.
...... I believe he will move out then suddenly announce he has met this ow. I would like to find out before so that he is held accountable. However, I would still want to reconcile so would I be pushing him further towards her by confronting him?
I don't want to be seen as a doormat. At the minute he wants out and that's it. I could make the whole thing worse. I would also like her to know that he has lied about me if that's the case. It's a tough call.
Do I carry on with me, not try and fins out all the info and see if it comes to a natural end?
Thanks kml. You are correct with everything. I graduated University pregnant with our first child then supported him to follow his dreams. I don't regret it because I love him, but he has done everything he ever wanted with a very loose leash.
I fully supported and never questioned anything. I have found myself again this year and am no longer a push over.
I would like to know all the facts and am pretty calm/laid back but If I find out there is the likely ow I don't know how to play it. If I tell him to go, he will only go to her anyway. Or do I wait till he leaves and make it known that I know - that may be the better way?
Thanks so much for the support, you are all helping me a great deal.
You don't have to ask him to find out who she is. You can check his phone records, the number will probably be obvious. The you can use reverse lookup or have a friend call the number on a pretense.
Reconciliation is a thought for another day. I know, you have three kids and a lot invested so of course you hope for a reconciliation. But take good stock of the relationship and get real clear on what you would need from him before taking him back. I suspect once you have some time away from him you'll start to see the unhealthy things in your relationship more clearly.
He does everything through WhatsApp (even calls) so there are no suspicious phone records unfortunately and he's got the thumb scan on his phone so I would really have to go snooping while he is asleep.
You are right, I would need change from him to reconcile and that is thought for another time.
I am doing well on focusing on me and the children. We were due to buy the house we rent in September and he thought I wouldn't be able to without him but I have told him that my plans will not change and I am still buying the house - without him.
Don't buy the house unless you are POSITIVE it's a good financial move for you.
First of all - isn't half the down payment his? What if he takes that money?
Second - what if he flakes out and loses his job it doesn't pay child support? Will you lose your home to foreclosure?
Third - property prices are very high in many places, renting might be the better financial option. Home ownership has many hidden costs. Will you be able to afford unexpected things like a new water heater, new furnace, roof repairs? There are calculators where you can see ifvrenting or buying is the better deal in your area.
Fourth - if you don't reconcile and end up in a new relationship in a few years, will you be able to rent the house out for the payments taxes and repairs?
Don't be emotional about the decision. You might not qualify for a mortgage on your own anyway.
If your H is in MLC, I do not agree with KML. I think KML is correct if your H was always like this and you are just now realizing it. But if he had a massive change from who you know before and you know he is in MLC, there is no point in doing anything but setting boundaries and keeping your goal in mind. Your goal in MLC is to let him go and try to live your life as best as you can on your own, expecting nothing from him. He will do many horrible things and there is absolutely nothing you can do or say that will influence him in any way. Snooping will change nothing and will add to his misperception of you -- and most importantly, will make you despair. Believe us, we've all been there. The best is to keep letting it go, giving it to God or the universe, and trying to rebuild your life on your own. If he comes to his senses and wants to return, you can decide then if you can do it. Read through Nyla's thread, we've all given some good counsel on that line there.
As far as the lack of protection you have because you are not married, I think a good lawyer can make a case for you -- or at least for your children.
Don't despair!
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
He's been using WhatsApp for years, it's only the pst few months he has become obsessive. Keeping it on him at all times etc which led me to be suspicious before BD.
In the UK we have a rent to buy scheme. We rented the house as a new build 5 years ago this September and can apply to buy this year. I have checked and I can still go ahead with this alone. We live in a desirable area so renting it out down the line or selling it on would be very profitable and it would be a great investment.
I have the deposit myself in full as I started my own business this year which is going steady. It seems the other areas of my life are doing well, and its my relationship failing.
I do agree Gerda, that snooping will change nothing and likely hurt me even more.
I will take a look at Nyla's thread. He's just come home so I'll go off for now......
Gerda - my point was, he's shown signs much earlier in the relationship - not marrying after the first, or second, child. Threatening to leave her during arguments. This is NOT a great guy who is just going through a temporary crisis, this is someone who had big issues long before. And sometimes you can only see how badly they were affecting your own life once they are gone.
He has shown issues long before this. Anger is the big one, he blows up and says awful things. Right now is calling me arrogant and that he doesn’t want to come on holiday due to my new attitude etc and that is why he doesn’t want to stay here with me. Everything conveniently being my fault.
He has zero patience and is pushing all my buttons for a fight right now, so I’ve walked away rather than speak out. If there is ow I wanted to address it as otherwise he will leave the relationship thinking he has gotten away with it.
Gerda, I agree with you though also. I don’t know what to do for the best. It would lead me to despair but I would know truth as right now he is making me out to be psychotic.
He's gaslighting you. He made up his mind to leave before all this but is now trying to find a way to make this your fault. That way he can lessen his guilt about leaving his family.
Also, though he wants to leave (likely to be with an OW) he also wanted you to be pining for him at home so he has a Plan B in case things don't work out with the OW. By being strong you are depriving him of having his cake and eating it too.
Are you going on holiday to visit family? If not, do you have a sibling or good friend you can invite to go with you so you and the kids still have a good time?
Don't buy the house unless you are POSITIVE it's a good financial move for you.
First of all - isn't half the down payment his? What if he takes that money?
Second - what if he flakes out and loses his job it doesn't pay child support? Will you lose your home to foreclosure?
Third - property prices are very high in many places, renting might be the better financial option. Home ownership has many hidden costs. Will you be able to afford unexpected things like a new water heater, new furnace, roof repairs? There are calculators where you can see ifvrenting or buying is the better deal in your area.
Fourth - if you don't reconcile and end up in a new relationship in a few years, will you be able to rent the house out for the payments taxes and repairs?
Don't be emotional about the decision. You might not qualify for a mortgage on your own anyway.
And seriously, what grown adult uses What's App unless they're trying to hide something? I'd be wondering what he was using it for in the past.
I don't know how you go about finding the OW. Many would say don't bother as the pain may provoke you into counter-productive actions. But I think knowledge is power if you can handle it. And I'd sure want to know about the woman that he is likely going to have around your kids.
Is his business one where someone could sit outside and observe him going to lunch with OW or such?
No Kml he works at a school and they finished for summer today. Also possibly why he is panicked if ow is a co worker. It means more time apart but he is now moving in with his “friend” on Monday. To give us space before the holiday. He has just tried to say that he should just go with the kids which I obviously said no to. He is desperate to get away from me. This is why I need to know what’s going on.
Every time he blows up or argues he is back on WhatsApp. So it’s either a PA or he is confiding in someone and it’s an EA or both.
I would take a few steps back Just get centered through breath or yoga or listen to Joel Olsteen (if you are ok with that) or find a positive speaker( free online) to help center you
Get peaceful Breathe
Remember it does not matter who she is, what he is doing, where he is going
Right now you have to take care of you
So I suggest just let go---
Alanon has phone meetings everyday all day long and coda Find Numbers and times online
These programs are similar to DB as they encourage Self Care These 12 step programs can bring you relief support and a phone call away and free-
Get centered first..them you will know what to do-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Figure out your financial status first- You definitely dont want his name on the house, and you want to make sure if you buy it-it will be only yours-
The MLCer is NOT trustworthy and he will try to take from you and his kids They get totally crazy
So my best suggestions:
Get grounded Pray to let go in thought and find peace Let him go where ever he will be living--it doesnt matter dont confront him about OW Seek a lawyer asap
with him gone the house will be quiet
Be there for the kids and to to be nuetral with any talk around H to kids Dont put him down, but be honest Dad is having a tough time...It will be best for him to leave if he feels he has to Hopefully he will work things out for himself
I am here for you always- Get support from family/friends to help with care of kids what are their ages?
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Yeah, he sure sounds like the very very typical person in an affair. If he works at a school it should be fairly easy to narrow down who the candidates are? (Unless the students are adults, then all bets are off). Has he even told you the name of this "friend" he is supposedly moving in with? (And please please tell me this school isn't a high school and we don't have to worry about him sleeping with a student?)
And on the vacation - heck no. YOU deserve to go and have a good time with your kids, he gave up rights to that when he decided to have an affair and move out. Bring a good friend or sibling with you and make it a great trip. Let him miss you and the kids.
Really, as hard as it is to watch them drive the bus off the cliff, you cannot stop him from his craziness at this point. You can tell him what he's giving up, you have offered to go to counseling with him, but in the long run, he's going to do what he's going to do and there's very little you can do to affect that except be the person he would be crazy to leave. Create a fantastic life for you and your kids.
Part of my story is, my ex cheated the night before our wedding. I forgave him and put it down to wedding jitters. When our 3 children were young teens he cheated again. I DB'd my behind off and we reconciled, and actually had several very good years. Then when my youngest was 17 he departed in a MLC cloud as he was turning 50.
In retrospect, my children suffered a lot because of my poor choice to make babies with someone who had already shown he could cheat. And in those last years between his affair and his departure, I thought things were good for my kids - but they told me later they were always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It took me some time after we separated to realize what a narcissist my ex was and how much of myself I had given up in trying to keep him happy and accommodate him. I blew past SO MANY red flags in our relationship.
I'm not saying he might not come back - he very well might, this might be a temporary derangement. Once he finds out OW can't make him happy either because HE is the problem, he might wake up. BUT - the best way for that to happen is for you to move forward with your life, dropping the rope. Make life for you and your kids so fantastic that he'll be begging to come back - and then make him do the work. (IF you even want him by that point, and you very well may not).
Do you have family in the area? What kind of support system do you have? Where is his family?
Thanks peace. I went for a walk, cleared my head and re-read DR over and over again. I decided against snooping. It isn't me to invade privacy and I don't intend to start now. Thanks for your advice.
I am hoping to get my telephone coaching session in before we go away so that I have a plan. I think this is what I am lacking. I have backed way off, no text, phone calls, stop going on about the R, stopped following him round interrogating him. He now follows me round to tell me he is leaving and what to do with the furniture, kids etc seemingly to push my buttons. He has threatened to leave now for 6 weeks.
My kids are 11, 10 (this Thursday) and 8. I am 35, H38. I have family around and am close to H mum, haven't told anyone much as I am hoping to reconcile - especially H mum as she is on his side.
He doesn't speak to his mum really, nor his 2 sisters so doesn't have anyone really other than me. He was pretty unloved as a child whereas his sisters were the golden girls and I know this is all true because I have seen first hand over the years how differently he is treated in the family, and our children compared to the other grandchildren. H mum doesn't seem to like men including her own son. I am the last problem to get rid of it seems.
Thanks for sharing your story kml. I don't think they realise the reality of leaving until they actually go. he has everything perfect in theory in his head. The children do suffer so much don't they more than they show/say. He seems to think he can walk off into the sunset, have no contact with me and pass messages through the children. He is going to a work party tonight and staying over. I wished him a good time as I won't be here when he goes. I am going out with the kids.
I have a couple of ideas who it could be, they all have kids of their own but not sure if married. All co-workers. He has told me the name of the friend he will be staying with, but again I have never met him so it could all be nonsense.
He went away with work for 3 days a couple of weeks back, on a school trip. The people I think it could be didn't go. He text me twice a day while there asking how the kids were and I replied simply each time. To me it was an excuse to text as I would have told him if there was something wrong. When he returned he told me proudly that he didn't miss me at all during those 3 days and so he is absolutely doing the right thing. (He goes away for 2 weeks a year on training weeks abroad normally and so 3 days away being busy with activities is hardly telling, but I agreed with him).
The friend he says he is moving in with actually happens to be someone he was in the military with, who as pure coincidence works at the same place. They had lost touch since leaving the forces. The friend is single, Batchelor lifestyle.
Last night he lay right up to me, closer to me than he has in a while and while he thought I was sleeping touched my face. I didn't respond.
I fully plan on creating a great life for me and the children. :-)
he will and is choosing his path and you can only let go and be free and use your energy to choose your path with or without him At this point by his voice and actions it is without him
Once my XH moved out, I felt so free the energy in the home immediately shifted from dark gloomy to more positive-
It was my home, I was free to redecorate it and create new traditions and activities and friends for me and the kids-
You are still quite young- and if he cant figure things out you can and will move on-eventually
Most of us take the time needed 1-2 years to stand for our Marriage support our wayward H, and get support and counseling to grieve the loss of the family and relationship
Then we are all free to continue standing or not
each of here here probably has a little different outcome
some MLCers may try to return
Many people come to this board and them leave after time so we never really know the full sucess/failure rate of the MLCwe Hang in
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
So H is moving out tomorrow, and we go on holiday next Monday. I’ve just heard him on the phone to the holiday company but not sure why. Possibly to take himself off.
My question is when he goes, what shall I say? “Hope you find the happiness you are searching for?” Or anything else?
Got me feeling deflated but I know he needs to go figure things out
Check with the holiday company to make sure he hasn't canceled you and the kids, just to be safe.
I recommend not being home tomorrow while he's moving unless you're concerned about him taking things you don't want him to have. Take the kids out. Go visit friends.
I'm not sure I'd wish him happiness - makes it sound too much like a validation that his unhappiness is somehow your fault. (Which it isn't). How about a simple "Be well"? That still shows you wish him well but subtly plants the seed that he might NOT be well.
That’s true kml maybe I should just leave him to it. He knows how I feel after all.
He hasn’t cancelled the holiday but is wondering whether he should just do a week with us then fly home. He asked if I wanted to just do a week and he will stay with the kids for the full 2 weeks.
My response was “I will be staying for the full 2 weeks with my children as booked. If you have a problem by all means fly home early”
if you can get out , that may be best for the kids they may get emotional and expect them to be upset for a time around this
keep all comments to them nuetral about him if you can and remind them you are here and its not their fault I told mine as time went on..their dad I thought was in a crises and we cant fix it
Surprisingly my kids let go after a few months
They were 5 and 11...The 5 year old let go easier my 11 year old had more of a struggle so I sat with her every night when she was going to sleep and listened while she talked/cried/around his being gone
I changed the lock after a few months sometimes he came to our home and took papers /items ...ect..while I wasnt there- He did not want me to lock him out
I would consider changing the locks and set limits as he no longer lives there and they still want access to the family home.. maybe leave a spare key with a trusted friend or neighbor if he needs access
Remember you will also need extra support and good self care
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I would not be there when he moves. It will bee too emotional for some of you.
Regarding what to say......I would keep it to a simple "please text me once you're leaving" and leave it at that. Take the kids out and enjoy some time away while he is packing up.
He has now pushed it back until Tuesday. The kids will be at school luckily. It’s our sons birthday on Thursday and he will be devastated that H will not be there.
H keeps asking what I’m up to with new plans I’ve been making. Answers are kept polite but short.
And thanks Peace, usually I’m a push over and go with the flow. He’s not used to me standing up for myself. I read the boundaries info too. And all the detach info over and over, and over!
Well the plot thickens. Found evidence of PA/EA and have had it out with him. He is spinning all the lines like didn’t mean for it to happen, we love each other. All that nonsense.
He is ready to leave with her (and her 2 very young children, one a baby) into the sunset and think that all will be well. What now and do I say I want to save us or just move forward and let go still. Don’t really want to give him an ultimatum as he in cloud cuckoo land.
An ultimatum will not work. You have to let this relationship run it’s course, it will take up to two years. It will either fizzle out, which I suspect it will, small children will be a challenge, or it will grow more serious.
You must let go and act as if he will never return. I know you are devastated but the very best thing you can do right now is to keep detaching and be the best Kirsty you can be.
That way, whenever he thinks of you, he will be reminded of your dignity and strength, if nothing else.
ok so now you know..you dont have to guess This is the usual progression in MLC..Not your fault
They pick woman they can rescue and save-and she sounds like a good candidate with a small baby
rarely do their affairs work out..they may stay together, but they are miserable he will not find the utopia he desires with her ,once the hormones and chemicals fade
I agree with Westo..I would try to say nothing and allow the transition of him out of the house without too much chaos..especially for the kids
Its hard to know what will happen and we are all guessing because we dont know him or your true situation We are going by our experience with our MLCers and the experience of reading the boards and seeing the majority of outcomes
Some may return or try to but it is rare, and many of the ones who do return have years of issues to work things out while piecing
give yourself some time to grieve and heal.. You will know more of what is really best after you heal a bit
I would get to a lawyer asap to learn your rights in this situation
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
(((Kirsty))). Finding out about the OW really, really hurts... I know. But...at least you know what you are dealing with now. Nothing you can say or do will bring him back to you right now. He is fully under the spell of all of those infatuation hormones and thinks he is doing the right thing. As others have advised... now is the time for you to pick yourself up and double down on GAL activities and the LRT... not to get him back necessarily...but to get you back and to show your kids what a strong, high value woman does in a situation like this. Detach, detach, detach... I know how hard it is but there really is no other way. Do the work you need to do. You will be very glad you did in the end...whether you rebuild marriage 2.0 or D. My mantra throughout my entire sitch...and I still repeat it to myself sometimes when I start to entertain fantasies of my STBXH getting hit by the karma bus... choose better not bitter. (((HUGS)))
Thanks everyone. He is following me round the house asking if I want to talk. This then results with me saying horrible things which I need to zip it. Maybe I should just listen.
He’s driving me crazy. Shall I go? Do you want me to go now? In response I just say just let me know your plans.
And she does seem to be a needy one in need of rescuing. That is correct!
Is the baby his by any chance? I'm assuming not since he just started showing signs in May but did you ask?
Quote
He’s driving me crazy. Shall I go? Do you want me to go now? In response I just say just let me know your plans.
Good answer. Let him be responsible for making the choice so he can't claim later you kicked him out.
I can't imagine that living with a woman with two small children that aren't his own is going to work out very well, and he might come running back. But take your time and really think about whether taking him back in the future would be to your benefit or not. Sounds to me like he was a mess long before this current crisis.
Try to take the emotions out of it in the sense that she is a band-aid. No whole, decent, self respecting woman would date a married man. She is broken and that’s why they are attracting each other. It’s a house of cards. Think of their “story” and how they met?!?! You can’t perfume or that.
He may start to pick fights to find a reason to blame you and make himself feel less guilty.
Hold your head up high, square your shoulders, protect yourself financially and via a lawyer and know that you are the prize.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Hi no baby not his, it’s 2 years old but I thought looked younger on pictures. His patience is tested to the max with his own let alone someone else’s.
He does have a lot of issues and he seems to think our kids will be fine. In the messages he spoke of how he couldn’t wait to join her kids and mine together to start the best new family and even suggested her meeting them while he was on a day out at the beginning of July. Before I knew of her and the kids know anything about anything! This never happened but this made me feel sick more than any of the other PA texts.
I don’t want them near her. They will need stability.
All the messages are also either regarding the PA or about me/her H which made me actually laugh. No real conversation going on.
Thanks as always to all of you for all the advice. I re read it all over and over to keep me sane
If she's currently married and living with her H, you might consider clueing him in. This is fraught with issues - your H will hate you for it, he might be a bad man who would endanger the affair partner or her children etc. But on the other hand - I FIRMLY believe everyone has the right to know when their partner is cheating on them. If he doesn't know he deserves to be told.
Not sure why he is following you around. maybe he is looking for a reaction or he is confused that you are being patient/or your new behavior maybe he is waiting for you to beg him to stay or wanting a fight cause he knows its a mistake-
Once he actually leaves, you can ask him to see the kids at your home only or take them alone that they need time to heal and adjust
when you see a lawyer, he can also advise on his parental rights and the ow
hang in In my opinion,this is the toughest time of the crises..when they leave and we become aware of the truth and the affair- it gets better from here as we heal and find support and continue to gain strength
remember, most to all the LBS get through this and become a better person and with many many blessings
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
It sounds strange, but at least you know now. The uncertainty is gone, even if it is not what you were hoping. From personal experience, following you around is trying to see how you react. If you explode, it will convince him he is on the right path. If you are silent and practice DB, he will be left to deal with this all on his own--something he does not want to do. The path of least resistance is to place the blame on you, so don't give him the chance. Regarding the other family....the MLC'er is in fantasy land and thinks the grass is greener. They are convinced their decisions are correct and nobody can inject the truth into the situation.
It is now time for you to pick yourself up and be the best person you can be.
My advice: -do not engage in emotional conversations. The hangover is too painful and it achieves nothing -focus on you and your children and be the best parent you can be. Do anything in your power to shield them from living a life with a father making these decisions -Lawyer up and gather any important documents you can (birth certificates, loans, banking, credit cards, etc) and make copies. -Do for yourself and give him zero pity. He is out for himself and his wild fantasies only. You will become a better person regardless of the outcome.
You will get through this and will eventually be OK. Like most of us LBS here, I am a year out from BD and am thriving. I never thought I would be here. The folks here are absolutely a godsend so please keep contact here.
He just broke down with me in absolute tears. Prior to all this he has been suffering with depression and ptsd from being in the military.
He just said his head is a mess, he doesn’t know who he is, he’s been an idiot and doesn’t deserve anything and wants to die. He has been in this depression state for around 18 months. Affair from May.
He was having therapy but stopped in April. It was doing him the world of good before he stopped.
I just tried to listen but it’s tough seeing him breaking in front of me especially because he is at risk of doing something stupid.
Her H is devastated beyond belief and has been following her round trying to get her to change his mind, asking questions, begging. I've had a word and clued him up on how this works............. :-)
I would suggest he go back to counseling and suggest that just MAYBE breaking up two families is not the way to deal with his depression and maybe he should go to joint counseling with you as well.
Keep your expectations low though, this may have been just a temporary lapse on his part.
Thanks kml, I actually have zero expectations and I feel good about that.
I have encouraged him to go back and speak with someone, something I said at BD but he refused that there was anything wrong then.
I don’t expect this to be plain sailing and know it’s probably a lapse but for the first time since May he took his phone out of his pocket, left it on the table and went upstairs for a few hours.
A small thing but still. And also he has told the ow that he doesn’t know what he wants too.
Then he came and sat in the garden with me, and asked me if I still thought we could be saved after all he had done.
I feel like whatever happens I will be ok and my patience increases daily. It’s hard work and I’m hurt but all you wonderful people taking the time to message me and helping me through this difficult time makes me feel like I have a whole new group of friends who have my back.
if it is real MLCer and not just an affair, I think it is hard for them to jump MLC ship and get back to a normal life, unless they get serious help
Im glad your expectations are low- but I would believe little what he says and be careful still get all the legal work done he may go back and forth many times before he actually dos either way He may be having a touch and go..
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Yours is a delicate situation with PTSD. You can only do so much regarding his counseling and mental health. Don't push him, it will only drive him away. His need for mental health treatment will be solely on himself.
As far as MLC is concerned, tears are manipulation and nothing else. Don't fall for it. Take it from someone who did an early reconciliation, make sure to protect yourself and keep a reasonable distance.
I saw similar behaviors...leaving phone around, allowing me in the restroom while she was bathing, sleeping in the same bed, etc....then BOOM right back into the tunnel without any warning.
A true awakening occurs after several months (or years) of consistent clear behaviors and reasoning.
H is 38. After feeling positive for weeks I feel awful today. He pushed me to talk last night and I had been drinking so I called him and her all awful things.
Finding it hard and he pushed me for the emotional conversation which backfired on me.
Kirsty, try not to beat yourself up. I too, after a couple of drinks let rip once. I really gave it both barrels and called him and the OW everything.
I woke the next day thinking I’d blown it and undone all the good work I’d done DBing. It didn’t. He actually expected worse.
I just told myself I’m only human and I’m hurt and angry. It had to come out sometime.
Learn from it, you got it off your chest but leave it now and make sure you don’t drink in his company again. You don’t want him thinking that every time you have a few he’s going to be called names again.
That is what my H was worried about if he came back. He’s been back a year now and I’ve slipped up once in that time.
But I know that he cannot change the past and I have to let it go for the sake of our new relationship.
thanks Babe. I am really trying hard to detach and love from a distance. He has stopped picking fights and blaming me since I found out about ow and following me around I think is because he needs to talk but doesn’t know what to say. he keeps asking me what he should do still, should He leave or not etc etc I think because of my new behaviour he is expecting me to beg and thinks I’m not bothered. He is also indecisive.
Also, he asked for a hug this morning and reached out to hold my hand. I hugged him and held his hand for a minute while he shed a few tears but made sure I pulled away first. I wondered if I shouldn’t have done but then could have appeared cold.
Westo, that’s really comforted me, thank you. I have since poured all wine down the sink. I think I have cleared my chest now. I was so sure too that after weeks of doing well that I had now pushed him closer to her.
Also, an odd question but should I be doing his laundry still or not anything like that at all? Or should I let all that go too.
He has to make the decision as to whether he stays or not. He may pick another fight w/you or do something to truly aggravate you to the point that you'll say leave...don't do it. No matter what, bite your tongue. He isn't strong enough to just walk away and he needs that validation and/or excuse to do so.
Listen, listen and listen to what he says. If you listen closely, you will be able to pick through some of the garbage he's saying and get to the root of his issues. They love to chatter and you want to see what is truly on his mind.
I would treat him as a roommate and be kind when he's around, but you do not need to tell him about your every move or what you are doing. You want to be a bit mysterious to give him something to think about.
Try to remember, at this time, you have been fired as his wife.
You doing great and you are exactly where you need to be. If you find yourself getting anxious, sit quietly and the answers will come.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, thanks for your guidance. we managed to have a conversation and he broke down in tears talking about his childhood and being unloved/unwanted whereas his sisters were put on a pedestal. He was always bought second hand clothes/toys whereas his sisters had new etc etc
He has achieved quite a lot in life and his parents have never told him how proud they are of him or that they loved him. Ever. He has been back in touch with counselling and is arranging to go back when we return from our holiday. I hope he does.
the oddest part though is that he seems to almost think he can just pick up where we left off in May before all this. Tying to hold my hand, asking for constant cuddles. Stroking my leg etc etc when we are sat next to each other. Maybe this is a phase. He said yesterday that he thinks making this work would be best but it was said sort of in a casual non heartfelt way. I didn’t ask him to repeat what he said and didn’t push to dig further.
And knowing how to respond to the physical touching, flirting is even harder!
I had an early reconciliation and it lasted 3 weeks before the flood gates opened....again. My W used that exact phrase.....thinking reconciliation would be "best" for everyone. It was obvious at the time it was half hearted. She couldn't look me in the eye and say it was what she actually wanted.
You hold the cards for YOUR future. If he truly wants to make it work, it will take a long time of consistent behaviors and actions. Do what's best for you and live as if you're on your own and watch from the sidelines.
So after a positive few days it has just all kicked off again due to a stupid action I made on the night I found out about the ow.
H has just found out that I transferred some money to my account in case he backed out of the holiday to make sure I had enough to still give the kids a good time. We don't have joint accounts.
I have put it back but obviously this is a great excuse now as to why we don't work etc etc......why the relationship is doomed etc
I have apologised and explained that I did it out of anger and the fact that he was out spending on hotel rooms really angered me.
Shall I carry on and hold my head up as normal? continue GAL and detaching etc
I don't want to lose hope and have had a great few days. We have actually had normal conversations and talked about fun memories from the past. We have also discussed some of the issues in the relationship which led to the affair. All of which we both agree on were both our faults.
I think he thinks he now has the upper hand though and control over our situation.
You have apologized and explained why you transferred the funds over to your account and now have returned them to his account. Nothing more needs to be said about this incident.
Continue as you have been and don't let this little bump in the road ruffle your feathers any more than it already has. You have a vacation coming up...keep moving forward and enjoy your time away w/your children.
Yes, he may think he has the upper hand for now...but the bottom line is you are the one walking on stable ground. He's walking on sand that will shift constantly until he faces his demons from years ago.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So we have arrived back from our family holiday, 2 weeks away together.
After a bumpy first 2 days of him picking on everything I did we had a brilliant time together. Originally H had said that he may go for a week then come home but stayed the whole time. He even suggested before we went that we went out separately on days out with the kids. When we were there we did everything together and there was no mention of this.
There was a spare bedroom at the villa which H slept in for 2 random nights out of 15 but the rest he slept in the same bed as me. I made no comment when he slept in the spare room or when he rejoined me.
There was a lot of flirty behaviour and we did have a night of intimacy. I believe him to still be in a lot of contact with the ow but have not commented or asked etc.
We returned home yesterday and as I suspected things have gone back to the way they were before we went away. H is saying again that we don't work, have anything in common, trying to convince himself that life with me is miserable etc etc.....
He is saying that we don't talk or have meaningful conversations anymore which we haven't since this began in May. I have kept conversation to a minimum while doing 180s.
Shall I keep conversation still to a minimum or shall I make more conversation but as a friend? I had my first telephone coaching while away and was advised to treat him as a house guest which I am doing.
The only other issue I have is that he is now trying to be intimate quite a lot - mainly for his own pleasure not mine. Im not sure how I should deal with this as although it's something I want to get back to, I find it quite controlling and this obviously doesn't fit into treating him as a house guest! The other issue is that there is no attempt to kiss me which makes me feel like its more about attending to his needs and nothing else.
On the other hand I don't know if knocking him back will make things worse as this was one of our relationship issues in that he felt rejected.
You can't change the path of his MLC by sleeping together or not sleeping together. It will happen no matter what you do. So you have to decide for yourself if you want to be his wife in that way even when he is not being your H and continue to expect nothing from him. It's something you do to stay true to what you believe, it won't help him come back or not come back. He will interpret it in whatever way he wants, he may see you as rejecting him even if you do it. Believe me, I have done so many beautiful things that were interpreted as crazy or evil. Or he might love it and still move out and still say it was always bad with you. I don't say that to kill your hope -- quite the opposite! I say it to restore your hope that you don't have to pay attention to what is happening, your hope is about a distant future. It can't play into your decision to do it or not now. Expect nothing, believe nothing. Decide if you want to sleep with him because you are his W no matter what he does or if not, decide if it would be fun to sleep with your houseguest. Or say no, and if the reaction is bad, know that it has nothing to do with you.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
I wouldn't sleep with somebody who doesn't kiss me during the act and doesn't ensure that I come too. He may not be quite aware he's doing that so perhaps you might tell him? Also please use condoms. I guarantee he didn't with the OW even if he claims he did., unless she forced him to.
Thanks for the replies. May not happen again now anyway! We just had a major row and he has stormed out. Apparently I have shown my true colours and cleared a few things up in his mind. Initially I tried to not respond to his arguing and throwing a plate of food but unfortunately he pushed too far.
He pushed on purpose - this trip made him remember too much of what he stands to lose so he pushed back to try to manufacture a reason to leave.
Nothing you did btw.
And - throwing a plate of food? Seriously? Has that ever happened before? Because that is SERIOUSLY not ok. I wouldn't put up with that for one second.
Yes kml its happened a few times, throwing out of anger, punching steering wheel of stuck in traffic etc and I told him he should get out and sort himself out as I’m not having it anymore in front of the kids.
He has come back and told me any glimmer of hope has now gone and he’s not being spoken to like that!? So I just said that I’m not being treated like this anymore and I need to decide what I want.
We had an amazing time and he is looking for excuses again now. I did realise though while we were away that I am strong enough on my own to raise my children and that I deserve a lot better.
I have found peace in detaching, enjoying each day as I take it and coming to terms with being on my own if that’s what happens eventually.
listen to some online videos about dating,learn about feminine energy and getting back together just to learn some new skills
nothing to lose and see where it all turns
It does seem like he was trying to create a fight after a nice vacation maybe also pressure from OW
I would think about being mysterious , busy, let him wonder where you are make a few new friends, activites and a new hobbiey and continue being kind, upbeat and dont bring up any R stuff
let him see what he is loosing-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
You have good healthy boundaries - good for you. He'll respect you more in the long run for having them. It's not okay for him to throw things and be sleeping with another woman while he's living at home. Simple basic rules.
Some think it is a way for him to get physical intimacy without emotions
Regardless, you must decide what it is that YOU want.
Throwing things is unacceptable. Has he shown violent tendencies in the past? As mentioned, it may be a time for you to set firm boundaries with him. It will likely push him away but you must do things for yourself. There will be more forks in the road later, just be prepared to handle them and have plan B if necessary.
I am keeping busy and will put extra effort in to be mysterious.
We are back to where we were weeks ago. I am getting the silent treatment and being ignored when I ask a question regarding the kids. He is making me feel like he is punishing me. Zero conversation or interaction.
I am getting on with all I want to do and need to do.
He has always been one to get angry quickly which resorts in nasty verbal arguments or name calling or throwing things. Even snatching things out of my hands etc
I’m trying to create space between us today in the house by clearing my kids bedrooms ready for the new school year.
He is still sleeping in my bed which I didn’t think he would after last night. Calling me selfish for not giving him the iPad when he demanded it (I was watching a movie on it) and saying “I don’t know who you think you are” etc
We are back to silent treatment. No conversation whatsoever and ignoring/blanking me if I ask any questions regarding the kids. He is treating me as though I am being punished if that makes sense.
I am keeping busy and trying to backtrack to distance, space etc and I shall try to be mysterious!
He has always thrown things when he gets angry or calls me names/ hurtful things. Says nasty things about me to the kids etc. Even snatching things out of my hands. He threw the plate on the floor, then when I calmly told him it wasn't acceptable he picked it up again and threw it harder until it smashed. That's when I told him to go and sort himself out.
As the years of our R have gone on I have realised that he treats him Mum in a similar way. They do not have much to do with each other.
Please start a new thread and link the threads together. You have reached the 100 posting/reply limit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
