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You will get many mixed signals because your H is confused and probably has a lot of conflict about leaving

I think most MLCers would love to keep their secret lives, and come home and converse with the family like nothing happened
(keep us as plan B) while they explore
after all they do still care for us- but the oW and the highs it brings hormonally and otherwise have their full attention
but Im sure many have second thoughts especially if the things are getting less exciting with OW or there is conflict there-

I would not pay attention to anything he does or says-
as long as he is living with OW and not making serious movement back to you
I would let it go- and continue on-
This touch and goes can last for many years-

Sometimes, a mlcer will circle back around
I have a friend that her MLCer has tried to get her back for many years while he is living with his 3rd OW
and my friend has no desire to be with a man of his nature-and has refused him several times as he would be cheating on his current girl-

I know it is tempting to read into their behavior and have done so myself-
but maybe if you can establish a co parenting friendship fun and cordial that would be your best option at this time-

all the best,


married 14 years
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D final 3 /09
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Nyla79 Offline OP
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My goodness, where should I start…

H came by yesterday, he wanted to talk. He is not happy. He said he thought he would be happy when he changed his life but obviously it didn’t work and he misses me, he misses having a family. He said he doesn’t know how to fix this, I said that it all starts from him and him wanting to fix this. Everything is still fixable. I didn’t talk much, I mostly listened.
He said he needs help in straightening up his head. He apologized for what he has done and told me I didn’t deserve this.

He kissed me for the first time since January. We both agreed that fixing this will be a long a slow process and I told him that as long as he is still living with the OW that there is no hope for our marriage. He said she’s gone until the end of August.

As you can read I don’t have many words right now. This is what I’ve wanted all along, but it is also little surprising that it happened this quickly. I’m so afraid of getting hurt again, so so afraid. We talked that for now let’s just start seeing each other and talk, nothing more. This was my husband that was talking, it wasn’t the empty shell he’s been these past 6 months. Any advice? Comments?


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I would be very wary at the moment. I would just stick to talking with no kissing whatsoever. He’s still someone else’s boyfriend right now.

You don’t want to be the ‘other’ woman. I’m worried that he may want to cake eat until she comes back. Is she away with work?

It’s a long time for her to be away in such a new relationship.

Be careful, to me, it’s to soon for regrets if he really is in MLC.

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It’s the massive confusion that comes hand in hand with MLC. For those that are talkers, it gives a bird’s eye view that something is very off with our spouses. Mine talked a lot in the beginning, post BD and I was convinced he had a brain tumor until I somehow stumbled here and found the script and symptoms of MLC.

It’s quite telling that you say there is no marriage with OW in the picture and he says she is gone til August; notice he did not say she is out of the picture for good. It’s sort of comical that he says she is gone for a few weeks! He may be missing that high she brings that is filling/distracting him from his own unhappiness.

Sorry to say, that in my opinion, someone who is this confused about his place in this world cannot just fix this so quickly. The good news is you can see this has nothing to do with you. In moments of clarity he will state that. But then, sorry to say, he’ll go back to confusion as it’s a long cycle to fix himself.

Treat him with kindness as they do remember the way they were treated. Protect your finances as you can see he is off and, like a teen, he has poor decision making skills.

You cannot fix this for him. As you said to him, he has to fix this and with that kind of foggy confusion, that’ll take time and it’s painful so he’ll run from facing it.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Good Morning Nyla

I agree with Westo and HaWho.

H is having a moment of some clarity, that is all. You have a boundary about caking eating, keep it. No kissing.

You are correct, there can be no relationship while OW is in the picture. Until she has been gone for at least six consecutive months - no dating. That R and affair has to die. So, at least a full six month of no contact with OW, then he might, just might, be worthy of a gal such as you. Do not sell yourself short!

His confusion is evident as is the fact this is about him. You didn’t break him, you cannot fix him. Treat him kindly and with compassion. That is just as much for you as him, maybe even more. Unfortunately, H will most likely cycle again. He has lots to work through.

This is part of the process. Bouncing back and forth. I know how it feels to speak with a spouse and not the empty shell; keep expectations at zero. This doesn’t change your path. This is a marathon, keep the main focus on you.

I am a pretty hopeful guy, who looks at the possibilities. The future is unknown, and lots is possible here. Stay the course, it is the best thing for you, and your best chance at a possible future reconciliation. As counter-intuitive as that sounds.

DnJ


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Nyla, I can imagine how incredible that was for you -- how wonderful and awful all at once, how confusing, how much hope it gave you and how it also fed your despair.

I am not a fan of rules except the zero expectation rule.

I always think of Charlyne from another site when I consider that stuff. She was the other woman to her husband's OW for a half year or something before he came back. She felt it was hypocritical to say she was keeping her vows and not allow her own H to kiss her and I am sure more than that when he started testing the waters. Their marriage was restored and became a ministry. I am not saying it's because she allowed that, but certainly she gave the pain of allowing it to God and in that way was able to bear the conflict and pain of it.

I am not sure it's possible to do that without putting all your trust in God and none in H. Whether you have God in your life or not, I am not saying to do what she did. But I am saying to not harden your heart. I don't know if that means allowing a kiss or not. I have no idea, really if you keep it soft by allowing a kiss or by not allowing one. I am sure your H will come and go and change his mind a million times over. And it may be too painful to kiss him or sleep with him or whatever you are contemplating and then see him come and go.

After 7 years in this mess, I guess what I mean is that I honestly don't think it's the boundaries that change anything. I have done boundaries and no boundaries and everything in between. Not for week at a time -- for YEARS. None of your boundaries or kisses can be a strategy. I think you could kiss him and even sleep together and it won't change anything about his trajectory. He will either return or he won't. (I think he will, based on what you have written about him and on the OW in question, honestly, but it will be a lot longer of a wait than you think.) It will take a long time for him to come back either way. The boundaries are for you. The not kissing or the kissing. It's what you can bear and what gives you the most peace in this storm. If my husband wanted to kiss me, I would have done it anytime, even if he was sleeping with some one of the slime-covered witches he found in these last 7 years. I would do it knowing that it won't change anything.

Last edited by job; 07/23/19 03:00 PM. Reason: Removed referenced name to another site that is not DB

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Now a few days have gone, and my emotions have calmed down about this.

Thank you all again for your input. It wasn’t easy to read and for the most part I don’t agree with you. crazy

Please don’t take this personally, it’s just that my heart is directing me now.

My thoughts about this happening so fast are that for the most part I have been unsure if my husband is in midlife crisis or just WAS. As I understand it, a WAS would most likely return home sooner than a MLC’er.


My husband has also realized that there’s something wrong in his head, not in me or our relationship. And he wants to work on that. He hasn’t been fixed but understand that something needs fixing. That’s quite big in my opinion.
I saw a change in him already when I was back home in the beginning of the month and since then he has started to come closer and closer.


He’s now away for business, but all last night we chatted thru messages and later called a videophone to each other. Keeping things light, talking about every day, silly stuff, even some flirting.

I am (at least trying) to keep my guards up too. I know this all must come from him. He needs to make the first important steps, before we can actually work on the M. And somehow in my heart I know he will, it might take a while, but he’s on his way. I can see it in the way he looks at me again.

I am afraid, like crazy, crazy afraid that this is just his game and I will get hurt, but even then, I can’t not take this chance. I just can’t.

The OW is away with work, so he is probably still texting with her at least. I haven’t asked and will not ask. If he really wants this, he knows he has to end the affair. I will not push for it. It all must come from him.


DnJ, you have been my rock, my go to person in all of this, and this was the first time I didn’t agree with you. I feel bad about it, but I hope you can forgive me for not taking your advice completely. I am staying on my course, but at the same time opening the door a little to see if he wants to come in. I’m not pushing, pleading or asking. I only reply when he texts or calls, so my behavior has not changed. I’m still all about GAL.


Loved your words Gerda about hope and despair because that is exactly how I’ve felt. I also think that there can’t be any set rules for this as everyone’s situation is so different. I try to keep my expectations at zero, but man how hard it is, especially when I can feel him coming closer and opening up to me.


I feel exactly like you said, I know nothing I say or do will matter, I can’t control him, his feelings or his actions. Only mine, and when he kissed me, I felt it. I’ve told you all that we were intimate (well had sex, it wasn’t super intimate) a couple of times after he moved out and he never kissed me, if I tried kissing him, he would turn his head. So, the kiss and how it felt was huge for me and I’m quite sure for him too.

He is very busy with work the next two weeks and I also have friends coming for a visit, so nothing will happen fast here. I think that is also good, helps me to safeguard my heart, and him to figure out if this is what he really wants to commit to.


I will keep you posted, and hopefully I don’t have to crawl back and admit that you all were right and I was wrong…. confused


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It is quite okay to disagree w/the posters. We all have the road to travel when our spouses are floating around. Not knowing whether he is a walk away or a MLCer doesn't matter...what we do is going to be the same in the way that we treat them, i.e., w/kindness, compassion and patience.

You will know in the days ahead what you will need to do one way or the other. We are here to support you in whatever you decide to do.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Nyla

The ultimate decision is yours
It will be interesting to see how your situation turns out, but always follow your heart

you are the one that knows the situation best..We here go by our experiences with our MLC and reading the many posters here
Know that we are sincerely rooting for your situation and the highest good for you

I dont blame you for exploring the options, I would probably do the same
but the way you handle it may make the difference
U tube has a wealth of videos on relationships, dating, getting back together, ect with experienced dating coaches
there is a lot to learn out there about love-
and
If you can get with a coach here from Divorce busting, it may be helpful to get more professional guidence for you to navigate the waters of him possibly turning around

Good Luck
We are here for you-


married 14 years
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Hello Nyla. I don't think I've ever commented on your thread before, but I've been following along with your story. I wanted to jump in and say that I think that some of us do get wrapped up in the rules of the LBS as if it is a recipe for reconciliation. I think it is important to understand that all that is said here are guidelines of what has worked for others in dealing with this crazy thing called MLC. The real thing to understand is that we are all human and work just a little bit different, have different experiences that shape us, and the dynamics of our relationships are all different. The reason that the guidelines help is because dealing with someone in MLC is counter intuitive and irrational and may not be how you might normally respond to a person exhibiting this behavior. The normal reaction typically pushes the MLC person away and leaves the LBS open and vulnerable to abuse. Its about protection for yourself.

From my experience, I like the way Gerda views it. Its something we all have to judge for ourselves in how we want to navigate this thing. Whatever you decide to do, just make sure and do it with your eyes wide open and guard your heart.

I hope your day today is the best it can be!!

Last edited by sjohns6; 07/25/19 03:43 PM.

Me: 45 yrs
W: 43 yrs
Together: 20 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 19 yrs
Daughter: 18 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
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