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Nyla79 Offline OP
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My first thread:

So so new to this frown

I don't know where I would be without this forum and all you wonderful, wonderful people in here. The support I get from here is so much better than what I get from my friends and family, so I've stoppend talking to them about my situation and come here whenever I need anything.

Like someone earlier mentioned to me, if you have no experience of MLC you can't possibly understand a stander. Everyone around me tells me to start dating, go and try it out, you're still so young, blaah, blaah, blaah. I have nothing against dating and people who date while standing, but when in my heart I know that at this moment there's no room for new people, I shouldn't date. It would not be right for me and especially to the new person. So I kindly ask them to get off my back about it, I'm not ready. I mean my goodness, his side of the bed is still warm.

Thank you DnJ and Peacetoday for your input on the kids visitation issue <3 <3 <3 I sent the email you edited to my H and in his reply he remarked that isn't visitation schedule a bit official. I haven't replied to that, nor will I. He also wrote that he had talked with D12 and she would be willing to come and try staying at his house. I need to talk with D12 as well. I think her fear of losing her father causes her not to ba able to say what she means to him. And so she tries to please him in any way. Poor child. D14 is still in my hometown with her cousins, she won't be back home until late July. After we moved to Spain she has spent the summers in my hometown with family. And this year she even more reluctant to come home.

I read somewhere that children whose parents had a lowconflict marriage suffer more from a divorde than other children. I wonder if that is so. We had a very lowconflict marriage, so I worry.

When I was 19, I was an Au pair in the States and I read a poem that some had asked Dear Abby about. I remember I immediately fell in love with that poem and I clipped it out and saved it. I still have it between my cookbook, and ran into it yesterday. It is so appropiate right now, I wanted to share it with you.


After A While
Author: Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure,
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn,
With every goodbye you learn.


On BD
Me 39 H44
D14 D12 S10
M19 T19
BD 3/19
Separation 3/19
H filed for D 4/19
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 46
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Nyla79 Offline OP
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I have been thinking in the past few days about my husband and our marriage and how unfair this situation is to everyone except for him. I saw it in my D12 eyes again today when she called him to ask for a ride somewhere and he said he couldn’t drive her, when she asked why, he just said he couldn’t. So obviously he has plans with the OW. It’s always moments like this that makes my blood boil. And here’s what I’m thinking.

I really want to lash out. I want to tell him exactly what I think of him, his behavior and his OW. How he has completely destroyed our kids lives and mine (well and his) and what a coward and a disappointment he is to everyone he knows. How people laugh behind his back about him and what he’s done. I want to hurt him like he’s hurt me and the kids. I want him to hurt so badly.

I’ve only lost my cool with him once and that was just before Easter, after that I’ve swallowed my anger and vented here. I’m worried that since I can’t tell him how I feel eventually it will blow in his face. Most likely if and when I decide that I’m done standing. I have headaches when I’m angry because it’s all building up inside of me.

So again I’m asking, why do I have to suffer all this, when he’s the cause? He’s hurt me enough and keeping all this in hurts me more. Shouldn’t I direct all this anger where it should go? I don’t know if I’m angry, sad or frustrated right now. It always stirs me up when I see the hurt in my kids.


On BD
Me 39 H44
D14 D12 S10
M19 T19
BD 3/19
Separation 3/19
H filed for D 4/19
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Nyla - I'm so sorry you are hurting. You are not alone in your emotions, changing from day to day, moment to moment. If you have seen my thread, you will see I go through the exact same thing.

You need to find your own outlet. For me, it was inviting friends out any day of the week I could (especially in the beginning), exercising, pursing activities I love, and diving into my faith. They were all life-lines. Sometimes I just yelled at God. I believe he listens to me.

Originally Posted by Nyla79
So again I’m asking, why do I have to suffer all this, when he’s the cause? He’s hurt me enough and keeping all this in hurts me more. Shouldn’t I direct all this anger where it should go? I don’t know if I’m angry, sad or frustrated right now.


That is the unfairness of it all. They are the ones blowing everything up, and we are the in the cross-fire. Venting here, to trusted friends, and if you are of faith, to God, are all places I used to get me through 10 months. I have decided it's the time in my journey to tell my H that his girlfriend is not o.k. and my silence about it is not saying it's o.k. I will probably post about my meeting with him after tomorrow. Only you can decide when, or if, that is something you want to do. But you must be prepared for any outcome after you do. I have decided I am.


Originally Posted by Nyla79
It always stirs me up when I see the hurt in my kids.


This is the worst of the whole sitch, IMO. My kids are older (19 and 21) but hurting none-the-less. I am solid around them, but it is exhausting sometimes. Just be present for them with lots of affirmations, hugs, and understanding. That's all we have control over.

(((Nyla)))

Grace


M: 56
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S: 22
D: 20

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Sometimes I remind myself that people live through wars, famine, disease, cancer, gulags. Life hands us a lot of suffering. It's how you bear it that defines you.

You might have to lash out at him. I think we've all done it. It won't change anything and it will probably make you feel worse because he will not understand you. It will only prove to him that you are just what he thought you were.

I think it's impossible to listen to the old timers telling you to let him go. I thought I did that but I didn't realize until now, seven years in, that I am only now letting him go. And it's not because I wanted to or tried. He just got so disgusting that there was nothing to hold on to anymore. The only way he could come back is if the scales came off his eyes, and there is nothing I can do to cause that to happen. Think of DnJ, Gordie, Grace, SBJ, sjohn, all the wonderful people you know here. Do you think they are any less worthy than you of not being hurt in this way?

We are living through a tragedy. It hurts. It burns. If your pot boils over from all that burning, and boils over at your H, it boils over. Maybe you aren't strong enough right now to keep it from boiling in his direction. That's okay. We're just trying to tell you that the only one who will get scalded is you. And that we'll be here to put some nice cool aloe on your burn marks, because we got burned in the same way and as a result we got the aloe ready for our own burns and are glad to share it.

A book I am reading now is Father Arseny, 1893-1973: Priest, Prisoner, Spiritual Father... I know you are not religious but this book is an incredible story of this renowned art historian who became a priest and ended up in the gulags. It has taught me a lot about patience and about bearing suffering. In fact my son who is such a mess has been asking me to read it to him every night because he asked me to read to him when I was reading it and got really hooked. And he is not a believer, my son, I mean. And is a mess. But this book is very powerful and a gentle read. Maybe you can try it.

And by the way, your H might not have had something with the OW. He might just be a selfish jerk right now who doesn't like to be needed. Scratch that "might." My H refuses ALL THE TIME to do anything for my kids and has paid for nothing in seven years. He even took all the money out of my D's wallet twice in her life, and I had to replace it so she would stop asking him for it as it was causing her so much anxiety. That didn't wake him up, Nyla. My getting cancer didn't wake him up. My son shoplifting, being suicidal, running away from home, and now refusing to see him or speak to him did not wake my H up. He still thinks it's me. Boil over if you want, but it won't do anything to change him. Only God or the universe or time can change your H. Your only option is to live a life on your own until then or to give up your stand and not keep the door open.

We love you and we understand your pain, Nyla. It's not fair. But you are in the right place to help your kids through this tragedy and get them to the other side. That's what you are here for now. Your life has meaning and beauty for you to find, even if your H has rejected you and all you planned for your life. You are not condemned to this h*ll. Only your H is, because he made it for himself. You just have to walk through the fire and pull your kids through it, there is a beautiful garden beyond it! (Believe me, I need the same pep talk!) XOXOXO

Last edited by Gerda; 07/13/19 05:43 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Nyla,

We all have had days whereby we want to lash out and shake some sense into them to make them see what they are doing. Lashing out will only make you feel a bit better but then the anger will bubble up again when you see that he is even more determined to do what he wants, when he wants and w/whom he wants. They become tone deaf and do not, or should I say will not acknowledge what we are pointing out to them. They do care deep down, but that "urge" to see that illusive happiness is far too strong and the guilt/shame of what they know is wrong, but cannot even think of stopping will keep them going in the wrong direction.

Long before I knew about this forum, I made many attempts to shake some sense into my xh by trying to rationalize w/him, lashing out and attempting to have "deep" conversations w/him. Nothing worked. The more I attempted to get him to see reason, the nastier he got until I completely backed off and trust me, I hated his behavior because it was unbecoming and was not him. I knew, that for my own sanity, I had to let him go. Over the next few years, he was a nasty/angry man who tried ever trick in the book to drive me nuts and to give him what he wanted, i.e., a divorce and quite a bit of money. After we were divorced, he disappeared from my life for about 3 years and because of some tragic circumstances, he reappeared for a bit. His anger was gone, but he wasn't the same man that I knew so long ago. He thought by being nice that I would give him anything he asked from my home. When I would not, he because a spoiled and angry child once again. The crisis never ended from him and he's still seeking that illusive happiness and I truly have let him go because my life, my health and my happiness were far more important than dealing with anger and uncertainty each and every day.

Nyla, what I'm attempting to say is this...when you are ready and the time is right, you will lovingly let him go. That doesn't mean that he won't return, but it does mean that you will feel less stress and you will begin to see life as the glass half full again. You will be able to focus completely on you and your family and if he comes again, you will learn how to communicate w/him in a way that he will understand that actions have consequences and yes, he will see what he has lost.

You are a great mother who has a lot to deal w/at the moment, but you are right where you need to be and God will help guide you through this. When you are ready, turn it over to God and allow him to work on your h. You can't drive the bus and tend to your children and yourself at the same time. Give it to God and he will watch over him and heal him.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Nyla - you are receiving excellent advice and you are doing very well.

Personally, I would not push the visitation schedule unless your kids are asking for it. He is all messed up so the less time they have with him the better. My ex was such a lost, confused mess the first 2 years post BD.

Curious, have you considered therapy for your kids? It might help to talk some of this through, even if it’s just a few sessions to learn different coping mechanisms. Is there a plan for D12’s academics? Here in the US, when my h went off the deep end, a therapist told me drop in grades would be something that required addressing.

Being years out from all this MLC mess, I promise you will survive this. My strong advice is to take the focus off him because you cannot do a thing for him. Protect your finances, separate these ASAP as it sounds like he is spending on OW and that is money for your kids.

Focus like a laser on your kids: helping D14 to work through (her very normal) anger in a healthy way, D12 keeping grades up and learning it is not her job to make her dad happy and s10 that this has nothing to do with him as you mentioned they are close.

Remember, he is a married man. No healthy woman is interested in that. He is broken and he’ll attract the same. Sounds like she is young. She may want to get herself pregnant. Protect your finances.

Let him twist in the wind. Continue to focus on yourself so that no matter what you come out of this stronger. You can stand but standing does not mean standing still.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Hello Nyla

I’ve been reading along, just haven’t had opportunity to post anything. Too busy!

You are so right. People that have not had any experience with MLC, really do not get it. This MLC is something else - isn’t it?

Originally Posted by Nyla79
...it kind of caused me to turn away from God. And now I feel that it would be hypocritical to try to find Him again, just because I need Him. I don’t even know if that makes sense.

When I read this days ago, it was - yes that makes sense.

If I may. It is not hypocritical. And you do not need to try to find God. He will help. He wants to help. You just need to let him, to be willing to accept His guidance.

God has never left you. (IMHO) Turn back, listen, walk in the light, and find peace. (((Nyla)))

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Yikes, I went to see my H tonight to talk about the kids.

I was quite annoyed with him when I went, but was able to shake it off and be pleasant with him. We actually had a nice conversation for the longest time before we started to talk about the kids and a lot of eye contact from him. I said to him that I would either prefer that he spends time with the kids regulary or not at all, because the irregularity is so much harder on them. And he wants to spend time with them more. I told him about our son crying on Sunday because he misses him and it got him a bit emotional.

In the end of our sitting down, I asked him are you doing ok? He said no he’s not. I said that you know if you ever need to talk, I’m always here. He said he wouldn’t know how to even start, and was quiet for a long time. I said it’s quite easy, you just tell me I need to talk and I’ll listen. He kind of laughed about it but continued that he wouldn’t know where to start talking. So I didn’t want to push more and I said whenever and if you’re ready, I’m here to listen.

Then we started to walk to my car and for some reason we started to talk about S10 again and I told him how I had told S10 that it is good that he cried and talked about his feelings to me on Sunday that even though it’s hard, it is so bad to bottle them all inside, and he said like I am. Then I said that you shouldn’t do that, and was just quiet. Then he started to talk.
He’s not happy. He misses the kids every day. He said that when this thing started you think it goes one way and then you realize it didn’t and now he has messed up 6 peoples lives (I guess that’s all of us and the OW) and he doesn’t think it can be fixed. That he feels like he’s in a rollercoaster and he can’t get off. And at the same time he doesn’t even know where he wants to get off, because life is not completely bad. He enjoys spending time with his friends. (Like I have told him for years that he should spend time with his friends and not just home and work) but still something is missing.

He feels like he’s just an (insert bad word). I was just validating and telling him that things are not always black and white and that he shouldn’t be too hard on himself. The biggest thing I take from this is that he realizes that he needs to go and talk with someone. And he said not a friend or family but someone who doesn’t know him. And he was going out to dinner with his boss so he said he can’t talk to me more about this, because then he would cry.

He did say that the underlying reasons why this happened (that he never talked to me about) are still there. I just nodded and agreed, and told him I was sorry he was having a hard time and that I really would want him to be happy and ok.

It is so hard not to get my hopes up, but at the same time he didn’t say he wants to come home, he didn’t say he misses me, and as long as he’s living with her and not getting help, I guess I’ll just continue on my path (hard as it is) and leave him to fix his own mess. Of course, I’ll be nice and help if needed, but I will not try to get involved and help him unless asked.

I’m very confused now…It really is a rollercoaster, I wanted to tell him that you should try living in my shoes for a while and you’ll know what a rollercoaster ride really feels like.


On BD
Me 39 H44
D14 D12 S10
M19 T19
BD 3/19
Separation 3/19
H filed for D 4/19
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Originally Posted by Nyla79
It is so hard not to get my hopes up, but at the same time he didn’t say he wants to come home, he didn’t say he misses me, and as long as he’s living with her and not getting help, I guess I’ll just continue on my path (hard as it is) and leave him to fix his own mess.


It IS very tough. But listen to what he is not saying, and head it. That was a lesson I learned just this week with my H.
The only thing you can do IMO to stay sane in all of this is to continue on your path to a wonderful you, and focus on the kids.





Originally Posted by Nyla79
I’m very confused now…It really is a rollercoaster


I'm on the same ride, and it doesn't seem to want to stop this week. Next time you MUST see him, see him with no expectations, and keep it just about the kids (or other important business). Perhaps even do it through e-mail or messaging only. It will help with those emotions.

(((Nyla)))

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

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Now I decided to sit down and write again, I’ve been so busy and in such turmoils that I feel like I’ve neglected this forum. Not that any of us have obligations, but I miss you all when I don’t write here.


Gerda, I have to say I do admire you and your strength and wisdom. Thank you so much for your insights, they always calm me down and make me look at things differently. I will definitely look the book you recommended up and start reading. Any help I can get is needed.


HaWho, I have actually considered therapy for the kids, I think even if they would go a few times, it might help them unload some of the burden. I feel fine without it having you guys and my sister, but the kids, especially the younger ones are having a hard time dealing with this.


Grace 21 Like I said, it’s so hard not to get my hopes up.


After our meeting on Tuesday I didn’t hear from him yesterday until the evening. Since he moved out, we have mostly communicated thru messages, but yesterday he called to ask if I could drive S10 to camp today as he had something he needed to do. (We had earlier agreed he would drive him) Of course I said yes, but then after the phone call my silly little mind started to wonder why he called, when he could have sent a message.

Same today when he dropped S10 off from camp, he called me to let me know he had just dropped him off in front of the house. Usually these conversations are just that. “Hey, I just left S10 at your gate” “Ok, thanks bye” “Bye”.

Today he started to talk about other things and then telling me that S10 had said that I had looked funny in the morning when dropping him off and he wanted to know why. (I had a hair mask on so I had wrapped my head in saran wrap and then tied a scarf around that) I did look funny, but I thought it was nice that he was interested in what had happened, because he has not shown any interest in matter relating to me in these past months.


Am I being too optimistic here and reading too much into everything? I so hope I’m not…


I’m not contacting him other about the kids and always try to get off the phone or messages first. So my actions haven’t changed, but my mind is racing.


On BD
Me 39 H44
D14 D12 S10
M19 T19
BD 3/19
Separation 3/19
H filed for D 4/19
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