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Me 32. W. 30
T 10 years M 8
S 8

Bd 5-31-19
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I didn’t get ihclacs deal about plans a through c

I didn’t get your one joe joes deal about nudging and doors

I’m still lost on FZ. how do I dB and validate and be loving and speak her love language and divorce bust at the same time as I’m telling her to kick rocks


Me 32. W. 30
T 10 years M 8
S 8

Bd 5-31-19
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^^^^ Detachment Loving detachment and putting and loving yourself first above her and the M. That's how. That's what attraction is. Will some of us ever do that? In time... We hope. I will explain later.

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Oz,

I was just answering your question about the FZ. It’s too early for you right now to tell her to kick rocks. Just continue to listen and validate.

There isn’t anything specific you can do to get out of the friend zone. You want to hear jump up and down on one foot and rub your head and that will get you out of the FZ. It doesn’t work that way. Most likely you will get out when you realize life is to short and you have too much value to put up with the bs or when she files for divorce.

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Originally Posted by "Ozman"
how do I dB and validate and be loving


Hi Ozman, these three don't seem at odds. What is validation? The loving act of really listening to your partner, empathizing, showing you understand where they're coming from. https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw

Originally Posted by "Sandi's Rules"
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

Last edited by CWarrior; 07/09/19 08:34 PM.
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I understand the confusion Oz.

I'll answer with another analogy smile

Steve85 uses the analogy of a broken down car. When your M is solid, you get the oil changed regularly, maintenance done, and things run smoothly. This would be speaking love languages, certain 180s, etc. A lot of the information in the DR book would cover these areas.

Once that car breaks down, changing the oil doesn't matter. It is in serious disrepair. The same maintenance won't work anymore.

For most of us, our M is the broken-down car by the time we find DB. So we are left with the simple options - listen, validate, set boundaries, GAL, PMA. Some 180s may be worthwhile, some may not. Doing little things to please our WAS only makes things worse. Some of us are left with the LRT.

Most importantly, you need to work on yourself... your car might be headed for the junkyard. Simple maintenance won't work. The more you try to work on the car, the more damage you will likely cause.

So be ready to drive a new car. Whether or not your old car (MR) is beyond repair, that way you don't end up walking down the freeway barefoot hitchhiking rides from strangers if your old car does get put to rest. You're ready to upgrade your limbo to a Lambo.

I think I just made a very confusing analogy... hope it makes sense.

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Ok. She seems like she is waiting fo me to make a move. I want to. But DB would say no right? Things ARE improving so do I just keep doing what I’m doing? Change it up? What if progress stalls out?


Me 32. W. 30
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S 8

Bd 5-31-19
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If you read other people's threads you'll learn that making a move is the wrong move. More than likely you'll get smacked down (figuratively not literally). Unfortunately most people have to find out the hard way. So make a move. Maybe you'll get lucky and it will be the 5% of the time it works. But remember, even if she gives in it doesn't mean you're home free. Have zero expectations.


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Oz,

IMO, you need to drop the crumbs and see if she takes them. It's your Sitch and you have to be honest with yourself. You know if her actions have changed. You are at ground zero, we are on another planet giving advice. So, you know if she has actually started to soften towards you. Don't forget your DBing principles while dropping these crumbs. The first one being, like Steve has stated, don't have any expectations. Listen and validate. Don't think she's is all in because her actions have changed.

Also, all you have is hearsay that your W is talking to OM. Your source might be credible, but it's not a definite, so be careful on making determinations on that, you need clear and undeniable proof to determine if there is OM. One of the worst things you can do is approach her with hearsay.

You don't need to make a move, slow down. All the moves are on her. Read my post again. I specifically said let her initiate. If you make the move it will come off needy and desperate. Stay patient!

Steve,

Well, I hope all understand, that nudging and flinging doors open are on two different ends off the action scale.

Oz, telling her you want her, you want to be with her, you love her or need her is too heavy. None of that talk. Keep it light! No kind of emotional or passionate talk.

Be patient! You marriage won't be fixed tomorrow or next year. It will take years too fix, if your W is willing to work on the M.

Onward and upward


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Not making a move yet. First time in my life I’m trying to do everything right and have some patience.

That being said. Just had the best evening we’ve had post BD. like in a big way. Grilled chicken. Made a salad. She was very chatty. Very happy. Laughed a lot. Was kinda goofing around with me. Asked me how my day was. Wanted to know details about my day. There seemed to be a good kind of tension between us

I went to bedroom and she had put a small glass rose on display I bought for her years ago (she hates real flowers because they die). I haven’t seen that rose displayed in years. It has “I love you” displayed on it and she put it on top of her jewelry box on display!

Trying to stay grounded but. It sure was a nice evening.

She just left to take our S to her sisters t stay the night ( he’s better). Invited me to come along. I politely declined and said “naw I’m gonna take out trash and clean up
Kitchen and hop in shower”

There you guys go. That’s how it went


Me 32. W. 30
T 10 years M 8
S 8

Bd 5-31-19
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