She said she wants a divorce and that it’ll cost $100 and that when she gets the money she’ll get it, and that i have one month to move out, she won’t say i love you back or kiss me or show any affection/connection, and it’s like she’s trying to say stuff just to hurt me (such as i can’t wait until i have the bed to myself, better get used to not having me to sleep with, etc.) She still uses my money, it took her a long time to be comfortable with my buying or paying for her stuff so i don’t think she would still use it if she was going through with it, she’s not the type of person to use people and i consider that to still be true today. She also still has us as married on fb, and instead of paying for the divorce she bought stuff. I really want to make things work and am ready/wanting to change now. She says it’s too late and nothing will change how she feels. I understand how i hurt her, and all her past grievances (that i need to man up, communicate, be more affectionate, focus and try and do more stuff for our relationship, and be someone she can trust). Is it too late? What can i do? Could she be testing me? Please help, any advice will be greatly appreciated
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Stop telling her you love her bc right now it just reminds her that she feels differently.
Protect yourself financially ASAP. You giving her money won't win her back and actually deepens her disrespect for you.
$100 divorce? Highly doubt it. You need to take a couple free consultations with lawyers around you.
It's not too late but if she said it's over you need to accept her decision for now. She's clearly hurting and confused. Read all those links a few times. Read other stitches here. Be prepared for the affair to rear its ugly head. Your W is reading from the same script as the others. Tell us some more details like ages, how long together, kids, other details.
Sorry you're here.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Read everything. Read everyones situation here. Stop all pursuit. She has made her decision so respect it. stop pleading and begging. Just back off. It feels very counterintuitive. But its the best thing for you to do.
Time to start focusing on yourself. Better yourself. it hurts and its going to hurt for a long time. But the faster you start working on your happiness, the faster you will feel better no matter what happens.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Unless it's a house that she owned outright prior to the marriage or an apartment in her name only, then as Cadet said don't move. She can't make you move and if you do she will just lose even more respect for you. Stay put. If she wants separation so bad then she can leave. Several guys here have ignored this advice and came to regret it later.
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she won’t say i love you back or kiss me or show any affection/connection, and it’s like she’s trying to say stuff just to hurt me (such as i can’t wait until i have the bed to myself, better get used to not having me to sleep with, etc.)
This unfortunately is not unusual for a WAS. Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? Please get it and read it. Do not let your wife see it or see you reading it, it's strictly for you.
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She still uses my money
Please clarify, does she have a job? Are you giving her money hoping it will gain you favor in her eyes, or is she using it to pay household bills?
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it took her a long time to be comfortable with my buying or paying for her stuff so i don’t think she would still use it if she was going through with it, she’s not the type of person to use people and i consider that to still be true today.
She's not the same person, she will do things that seem completely out of character.
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She says it’s too late and nothing will change how she feels.
That's just how she feels right now, it can and will change with time. You've got to be patient, it takes a while.
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I understand how i hurt her, and all her past grievances (that i need to man up, communicate, be more affectionate, focus and try and do more stuff for our relationship, and be someone she can trust). Is it too late?
It's not too late, marriages have come back from far worse. But you can't work on those things right now. To her it's all "too little too late", she doesn't want you to fix those things, she's just telling you why it's over.
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What can i do? Could she be testing me?
She's not testing you, right now she really is done. But like I said that can change with time. For now read the book, read all of Cadet's links above, start working on yourself. Good luck and keep posting.
So how do i not pursue her without sending the message that i’m done or coming across as too harsh? She has a job but gets broke after bills so she has to use my money for food or bills still due, we had moved houses a few months ago so she could afford to live on her own, but it appears she can’t afford it. She let me come back and stay with her, but things haven’t improved since then, she said she feels anxious and depressed around me so she’s been making a lot of plans without me to stay out of the house. She does suffer from anxiety and has to take zoloft 100mg, she’s been on it for about a year and a half. She is doing stuff i don’t like like snap chatting other guys, changing her phone password so i can’t see it even though i don’t try to, i want to talk about it without attacking her or over stepping, i know she wouldn’t cheat, that’s one thing that attracted me to her was her loyalty. I’ve cut back on saying i love you to twice a day, morning then at night, she always responds with just goodbye or goodnight, i really want to be able to kiss and hold her but she doesn't want to, i still want to do nice things for her and give her sweet surprises to let her know i was thinking about her, but i also want her to respect me, and trust me, and think of me as a man. I haven’t been initiating texts or anything the past few days, only responding to hers.
Unless it's a house that she owned outright prior to the marriage or an apartment in her name only, then as Cadet said don't move. She can't make you move and if you do she will just lose even more respect for you. Stay put. If she wants separation so bad then she can leave. Several guys here have ignored this advice and came to regret it later.
This is sound advise.
Same things goes for the master bedroom. Do not move out. If she needs space from you, she can sleep elsewhere.
W:"Go sleep on in the spare room" H"I am sleeping here. I would prefer if you sleep here, but you can sleep where you choose"
Then shut up and validate her feelings.
W:"Bla bla bla hate you bla bla bla Controlling bla bla bla!!! " H"I am sorry you feel that way"
or
W:"Fine!" H:Crickets
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
i know she wouldn’t cheat, that’s one thing that attracted me to her was her loyalty.
Would she consider it cheating if she's already said she wants a divorce and the marriage can't be fixed, she's cut off affection, and she's spending her evenings away? You say she's Snapchatting other men. You know her better than us, but from the few bits you shared, that doesn't sound far away.
I'm sorry you're in a difficult situation. I hope you find the patience to persevere and be a better you.
So how do i not pursue her without sending the message that i’m done or coming across as too harsh? She has a job but gets broke after bills so she has to use my money for food or bills still due, we had moved houses a few months ago so she could afford to live on her own, but it appears she can’t afford it. She let me come back and stay with her, but things haven’t improved since then, she said she feels anxious and depressed around me so she’s been making a lot of plans without me to stay out of the house. She does suffer from anxiety and has to take zoloft 100mg, she’s been on it for about a year and a half. She is doing stuff i don’t like like snap chatting other guys, changing her phone password so i can’t see it even though i don’t try to, i want to talk about it without attacking her or over stepping, i know she wouldn’t cheat, that’s one thing that attracted me to her was her loyalty. I’ve cut back on saying i love you to twice a day, morning then at night, she always responds with just goodbye or goodnight, i really want to be able to kiss and hold her but she doesn't want to, i still want to do nice things for her and give her sweet surprises to let her know i was thinking about her, but i also want her to respect me, and trust me, and think of me as a man. I haven’t been initiating texts or anything the past few days, only responding to hers.
Unless you have a non traditional marriage, she is already cheating. Emotional affairs are affairs. And with her staying out all the time I can only imagine where this has gone. By that I mean that it may be more than emotional. Just prepare for the fact that she has been with someone else. 99% of the situations here involve a OM/OW and yours does too.
You want her to respect you, but you don't even respect yourself right now. She's out running around, spending your money b/c she's not responsible enough to cover her bills, talking to god knows how many guys, and yelling at you about BS. But here you come with "I love you's" and a sweet surprise. This is not attractive. She said she wants out you need to respect that decision. You need to be the one going out and enjoying life and not thinking about her all the time. So, stop telling her I love you, stop pursuing her, and go GAL (get a life) with your friends. Make new friends even.
You don't be mean about it, but put yourself first. You are getting taking advantage of big time. And you aren't going to talk your way out of this either. Give it time, give her space, focus on you.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
