I know it's tough, but try to work on emotional detachment, U. Just because those incidents were perceived as egregious actions by your W does not make them so. Those were her perceptions (or ARE those perceptions) right now. You know what happened from your perspective, not hers.
The truth is always in the gray area, and if you keep giving her assertations creedence that this was abuse, it will balloon out of control on you. No amount of MC will correct that.
The trick is that I have to stop trying to deescalate my Ws emotions. Like I said earlier it’s less about me trying to recon, and more about my conflict avoidance in general.
It already has ballooned out of control and it’s time to stop it even though the blowback will be tough for awhile.
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
You have to stand up for yourself. You are not fighting for your marriage you are fighting for yourself. You have to shift your focus and the desire to save yourself has to be stronger than the desire to save your marriage.
I don't know who's idea it was to go to MC or why your continuing it but if this is how it is being used to attempt to railroad you into $hit then I would tell your wife that you are done and will no longer be attending.
It's going to get worse before it gets better but you are going to have to put your foot down.
Thank you. These are words that give me strength. You are 100% right that I am now fighting for myself. My W may go absolutely ballistic and that will be a test of my mettle because I have been a pushover for so long. But if there’s ever a time in my life to take my b@lls back now is that time.
You have to know going in that she is going to bully you because she has got away with it for so long. She also knows that it will work because you are desperately clinging to save your marriage. You can't let her manipulate you by using your emotions and love for her against you. You are hanging on to the ledge, holding on for dear life. You have to let go of the ledge and fall.
Trust me...what you do now and agree to now will impact you and your kids for a very long time. I am not telling you to be a jerk, cold, angry, etc. etc. but you have to start saying "NO" and stand up for what you believe in.
I am sorry honey but I will not be providing you a safe plan. Dam you U I am calling CPS. I understand honey if that is what you feel like you need to do. Dam it U I am Divorcing you tomorrow. I understand honey, if that is what you decide to do then I respect your wishes. BLAH BLAH BLAH.
2 years ago a VET told me that I needed to turn into the pain and not turn away from it. It's time to turn into it U.
Can you read my situation and give me some advice?
I really enjoy reading your posts!
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
You have to know going in that she is going to bully you because she has got away with it for so long. She also knows that it will work because you are desperately clinging to save your marriage. You can't let her manipulate you by using your emotions and love for her against you. You are hanging on to the ledge, holding on for dear life. You have to let go of the ledge and fall.
Trust me...what you do now and agree to now will impact you and your kids for a very long time. I am not telling you to be a jerk, cold, angry, etc. etc. but you have to start saying "NO" and stand up for what you believe in.
I am sorry honey but I will not be providing you a safe plan. Dam you U I am calling CPS. I understand honey if that is what you feel like you need to do. Dam it U I am Divorcing you tomorrow. I understand honey, if that is what you decide to do then I respect your wishes. BLAH BLAH BLAH.
2 years ago a VET told me that I needed to turn into the pain and not turn away from it. It's time to turn into it U.
My plan is hold off until next MC session. After that if she withholds I think I have no choice but to seek legal help.
If she withholds the kids why not tell her you will be moving back into the house to spend with them? What if she cancels the next MC session? It is very clear that are letting her control the game and just reacting to her moves. I hope I am wrong but I am concerned you may be overlooking many things as alarmist when they are clear concerns for your long term situation
It is done, and I am okay with it. I'm not saying I did the right thing or the wrong thing or disagreeing with anybody here. It certainly wasn't the DB thing to do. But I am at peace.
I made mistakes prior to this decision that forced my hand. I lost my b@lls a long time ago, not in this decision. For one, playing right into her narrative with the apology letters, walking on eggshells, etc. I should have been more insistent that we work on things much earlier. There are other mistakes I made. Ultimately, my W has this narrative in her head that I am emotionally unstable or possibly abusive, and insisting we occupy the same home was basically asking for an escalation, which is what she started to do. Things were about to get legal and I'll leave it at that. It was horrible living in that home the last month.
I know it is controversial that I moved out, and didn't force her to move out. We moved to that home 18 months ago, planned to sell it next year, and it is extremely remote and inconvenient. There is no neighborhood to speak of. I had no desire to live there during a separation.
So... I'd like to refocus on where I am at today. I'm not moving back in.
My kids are currently staying the weekend at my new place. We are having a blast, they love their rooms, they are excited about the neighborhood and local park and everything to offer. I am way more relaxed parenting them without my W's expectations like a black cloud hanging over the proceedings. I can let them make a mess and leave it for later. I got the timeshare arrangement with my W that I asked for. When I don't have the kids I am GAL'ing like a madman. I am actually looking forward to life.
So... where does this leave our MR? And how do I get my b@lls back?
We went to MC this past week. I decided I have nothing to lose anymore, because I don't care anymore about the old MR. So I let loose a bit, things I've never said before. I said I'm tired of being blamed, resented and feared. I said I'm tired of my W communicating by unloading one minute, then going silent the next 3 months and just holding in her resentment. I said I'm tired of my W constantly accusing me of putting no work in. I'm tired of being therapized. I said once we complete working out the kid timeshare and financial agreements for the separation, if we don't start working on the MR, I will no longer go to counseling. Because at that point, we have essentially worked out the framework of a D and all that's left is filing the papers.
She was crying at the end. And I had zero reaction. It's not that I hate her or anything mean. I just realized... I don't want the old MR. If we are ever going to R, I am going to lay out for her that things need to change. I'm not going to do the DB dance anymore of being afraid to say it because it would be pressure. We are way past that point. There is ZERO downside to me being blunt and honest at this point. I'm sitting here already living my future life, and it looks pretty good other than the financial piece. Money is money, I will be fine.
That doesn't mean I don't respect her viewpoint or empathize. And I said that also in MC, just to make clear I wasn't ranting and raving the whole time. I'm happy to work on rebuilding trust, and listen to her viewpoint, but I am not going to do this one-sided anymore.
Maybe I've veered off the DB track too far. It felt good to let her know how I feel, knowing full well I might be driving a nail in the coffin. I can either keep trying to please my W and take steps to change her mindset about me, all the while playing into this narrative that I am an emotionally unstable person and 100% to blame, and end up being miserable anyways. Or... I can let go, move on with my life, be the best dad and dude that I can be, and if she wants to recognize it and fight for me to be in her life, so be it. If not... I'm just not playing the game anymore with her. I guess I could keep playing and "win her back" by showing her how much I've changed, but to be honest, I am not an abuser. I am not this extreme person she paints me out to be. It tears down my self-esteem and happiness to live with that weight of trying to change her opinion. So... I'm done. I've spent months, years, fighting it. I'm going to enjoy the hell out of life, and if she wants to come along with me and fight to have me as her husband, well, that's on her. Otherwise, I'm confident I can strike out on my own and be happy, and likely find a future partner who values me.
