I’ve been married 16 years and have two small kids (6 and 10). Husband dropped bomb in February and since then has hit me with repeated requests to meet with a mediator to go through with the divorce. I honestly have not read or seen anything on how to handle these relentless discussions. They are always the same thing: If I don’t cooperate, he is going to file with a lawyer, and it’s going to be expensive and messy for both of us, and I’ll regret it. But I am not on board with the divorce to begin with, and even if I were, I’d want a lawyer to represent me as he has a ton of assets and owns businesses in several states. It’s gotten to the point now where this morning he told me this was my last chance to accept a peaceful mediation. How do I handle these conversations? I don’t even want to discuss it anymore.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
My partner agreed to mediation with her ex-husband, but also retained a personal attorney who advised her which of his proposals were reasonable and which were laughable. You can do both.
I’ve been married 16 years and have two small kids (6 and 10). Husband dropped bomb in February and since then has hit me with repeated requests to meet with a mediator to go through with the divorce. I honestly have not read or seen anything on how to handle these relentless discussions. They are always the same thing: If I don’t cooperate, he is going to file with a lawyer, and it’s going to be expensive and messy for both of us, and I’ll regret it. But I am not on board with the divorce to begin with, and even if I were, I’d want a lawyer to represent me as he has a ton of assets and owns businesses in several states. It’s gotten to the point now where this morning he told me this was my last chance to accept a peaceful mediation. How do I handle these conversations? I don’t even want to discuss it anymore.
First thing to do is go meet with several lawyers in your area. Most will give free initial consults. Have a list of questions. Find out your rights.
Someone said meet with the best ones. If you do this before H, then he can't retain them. I am not sure if that is true. Ask one of the lawyers about this.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
But I am not on board with the divorce to begin with
None of us here wanted D, but sadly it only takes one person to decide to divorce. Do you want to stand for your marriage? If so, you have to walk two (or more) paths in parallel.
1) Prepare for D 2) Change your interactions with H. Work on being attractive. Focus on your own persona growth. Read "Divorce Remedy" 3) Co-parent
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you, everybody. I've been reading Divorce Remedy, but I haven't finished it yet. I've been feeling like the only option for me right now is The Last Resort Technique, so that's what I've been following. I'll keep reading.
Last Resort Technique is the right choice now. Go over that plan often and stick to it. If he wants a divorce he knows he can file. Tell him there's nothing for you to discuss with this mediator. Get legal advice now.
Protect yourself but don't fight with him and get sucked into arguments.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Am I supposed to act as if I am into this divorce, even though I'm not? Confused.
The idea is to make your H do the work if he wants D. You won't stand in his way, but you won't help him either.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Someone said meet with the best ones. If you do this before H, then he can't retain them. I am not sure if that is true. Ask one of the lawyers about this.
I am 99.9% sure this is true. Call a L. They will ask your H's name. Ask the L why they ask. I believe even if they have only spoken for a free consultation with your H, they would refuse to speak with you due to conflict of interest. They definitely will not speak with you if your H has retained them, it would be cause for being disbarred.
I don't advocate calling a bunch of L's to prevent your H from using them. You may want to talk to a few (free consults are the best) to understand the process, your rights, etc.
In my state, there is no need for a L until D is filed. You would have 30 days to respond. And you could agree to go to mediation as part of the process. I am confused why your H is pressing for mediation - couldn't he instead file for D, and then you agree to mediation?
Anyhow I think you are doing the right thing avoiding mediation, same as ovrrnbw said.
I'm also curious if you are willing to share any insights into why your H wants a D?
I haven't gotten as far as mediation yet, because I've been putting it off until it's necessary. But from my understanding mediation is only typically used when two parties have a conflict or a disagreement in writing, whether its related to child custodial care finances Etc. You wouldn't hire a mediator unless there was a formal dispute and the two of you couldn't agree to something in writing as a legal contract. A mediator would also be used for ssset division. so until there is an actual disagreement or dispute over something then there's no purpose in hiring one. But like everyone here mentions definitely speak to several lawyers about your rights to protect yourself
I’ve been married 16 years and have two small kids (6 and 10). Husband dropped bomb in February and since then has hit me with repeated requests to meet with a mediator to go through with the divorce. I honestly have not read or seen anything on how to handle these relentless discussions.
Well in general we say not to ignore it. Your attitude about divorce should be along the lines of "it's not what I want but if this is what you want I am not going to stand in your way."
Quote
They are always the same thing: If I don’t cooperate, he is going to file with a lawyer, and it’s going to be expensive and messy for both of us, and I’ll regret it.
So basically he is trying to threaten and manipulate you into giving him what he wants. Do not fall for it. Too many LBS's try to appease their WAS and end up getting screwed in the D. Don't let that be you, stand up for your rights. Ironically if you roll over and accept his terms then he will have even less respect for you. But if you stand for your rights he may complain, but a seed of respect will have been planted.
Quote
But I am not on board with the divorce to begin with, and even if I were, I’d want a lawyer to represent me as he has a ton of assets and owns businesses in several states.
By all means get a lawyer on board ASAP.
Quote
It’s gotten to the point now where this morning he told me this was my last chance to accept a peaceful mediation.
I wonder why he's in such a hurry to divorce? Is he having an affair?
Quote
How do I handle these conversations? I don’t even want to discuss it anymore.
It's unpleasant but the discussion needs to happen since he keeps pushing it. Don't agree to anything, even a mediation talk, until talking to a lawyer though.
When you get a chance please give us more details about your situation. Ages, why you think you are here, separated or living in same house, any affairs/ suspected affairs, etc. The more we know the better we can assist you.
Thanks, everyone! This is tremendously helpful. I've wondered about the affair, but I haven't found any evidence. Anything is possible, though. The nonstop pressure is suspicious. I started to call lawyers and have an appointment with one on Monday. I do not know what the rush is. When he tells me about the divorce, he says it's because "he wants out" and that he is tired of my constant calling him and checking up on him when he's out (he is out a lot---this is the pattern for years), unappreciativeness of his hard work, and several other things that he is actually right about that I have now ceased and desisted on, but he doesn't recognize it. Then they are a lot of other things he brings up that are untrue and super petty and totally insulting, but I just let him rant about them. But some of it is really hurtful, seems intentionally so. I will write more later as I have to run off for work. I am going to do my best to avoid another divorce discussion this morning as I exit the house because he gets me in the morning before work and it rattles me for the whole day.
The other thing is that when he talks about our relationship and divorce, he sounds like the “depressed spouse” from the DR book every time we speak. Everything that is wrong in his life is my fault, even the arthritis in his neck and back! It’s so hard to deal with. He says the thought of remaining married to me makes him want to jump off a bridge! He blames me for everything. He takes events that happened and twists them to explain them as something I purposely, maliciously inflicted on him. He is 51 and I am 48. He is a very impatient, Type-A kind of guy but not to the outside world—he hides it very well until pressed. Living with him right now is like being in a pressure cooker. We have two properties that have been the source of some conflicts and an unintended separation that have contributed to the problems.
Thank you, unchien. He also tells me that we fight too much and are just incompatible (which makes me think there is someone he finds more compatible...I’ve gotten very OCD about this and even hacked into his cell phone but found no evidence).
Everything that is wrong in his life is my fault, even the arthritis in his neck and back! It’s so hard to deal with.
Yes, we call that "rewriting history". Very unpleasant but they all do it. Eventually his fog will lift and he will see things differently.
Quote
He says the thought of remaining married to me makes him want to jump off a bridge!
That's a reflection of how he feels right now. He's going through something and doesn't understand it, so you've become a lightning rod for it. This is why we say to give them time and space. He's got to figure out that you are not the problem, and then he's got to learn how to deal with those problems before he might want you back.
It’s something I’ve done throughout our marriage and one of the reasons he says he’s had enough. I’m always afraid of being cheated on. It’s a huge insecurity that’s plagued our relationship. He’s given me many warnings that it annoys the heck out of him. I guess I didn’t take them seriously enough.
I am sorry you are here. I like the advice you are getting. He is sending up some major red flags, being very selfish, and definitely trying to protect his ass(ets). PUN INTENDED. ....
I think your instincts that there is OW is right on. Sadly, that is the case some 99% of the time. Please do not agree to mediation or rushing into this at all. He could screw you over financially. He is not thinking straight or with the right head at the moment... often when men are running this fast, it is not so much running away from the W but towards OW. I agree with getting some legal advice. Hopefully you can find some free consultations.
Just be prepared with ALL your questions ready so they do not rope you into retaining them. Family law attys have a lucrative business in nasty Ds. .. I know in my sitch, mediation would have served me sooo much better than my H. I don't know if he even knew that. ....
and sadly, these WH (and WW) really know how to rewrite history and play the blame game. Its what they need to do to justify their cr-ppy selfish behavior. Try not to take it personally!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I've avoided writing for the past week and a half because on the 29th of June I discovered in his emails that he apparently filed with a lawyer friend of his (a childhood friend) on the 28th! However, I've been going LRT hardcore, and the papers still haven't shown up, and my sister who is a paralegal says the case is not shown as filed in the court system yet. He also wore his wedding ring over the weekend, when he has not done that in almost 8 months. And he is cooking for me again. He alternates between rude and somewhat approachable. I have sort of done a modified LRT where I mix in little acts of kindness for him without expecting so much as a grunt of acknowledgment. However, I have more hope than I did a few weeks ago, in spite of seeing the apparent actual filing. I guess until I get those papers in hand, I will continue to be hopeful. What if after I DO get them?
I've avoided writing for the past week and a half because on the 29th of June I discovered in his emails that he apparently filed with a lawyer friend of his (a childhood friend) on the 28th! However, I've been going LRT hardcore, and the papers still haven't shown up, and my sister who is a paralegal says the case is not shown as filed in the court system yet.
Monkey - I strongly urge you to stop snooping the phone or e-mails.
Originally Posted by lilmonke
He also wore his wedding ring over the weekend, when he has not done that in almost 8 months. And he is cooking for me again. He alternates between rude and somewhat approachable. I have sort of done a modified LRT where I mix in little acts of kindness for him without expecting so much as a grunt of acknowledgment. However, I have more hope than I did a few weeks ago, in spite of seeing the apparent actual filing.
I like the idea of the modified LRT (with no expectations attached when you are kind) but do it without trying to read into his actions. What I've learned here is you can expect your H to behave and act erratically so trying to mind-read or figure out what it all means will just distract you from what you need to work on - yourself.
Originally Posted by lilmonke
I guess until I get those papers in hand, I will continue to be hopeful. What if after I DO get them?
In my state you have 30 days to respond... I would take all the time you have and keep DB-ing.
Happily take them. Do not read them immediately. Decide to read them the next weekend. Get a good night sleep on Friday. Take a nice shower. Go have a nice breakfast. Find a nice comfortable place to sit and read them. Read them slowly to understand all that he is asking.
Take a break and go for a walk. Read them again later if you need.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Update: I found his burner phone with all the texts between him and his mistress. I confronted him and he is completely unremorseful and still blaming me and served me divorce papers and now I’m meeting with lawyers
Very sorry to hear this but it's not a surprise. You may recall back on the first page we were talking about this being the possible reason he was rushing the D through. So now you know you are dealing with a lying cheater. Your old loving husband is gone and has been replaced with this POS that lives in the same body. Don't believe anything he says, it's all going to be lies and half-truths. I'm not saying he is beyond hope, but he's got to follow this path and hit rock bottom before he might repent of his waywardness and get on the road to recovery. Some men never do though, so you have to protect yourself, detach and keep moving forward.
Regarding your earlier comments about him being nice, they'll usually be like that right before filing D papers because they're trying to soften you up for a settlement that works in their favor. I'm glad you're lawyering up because you need that help right now.
Yes. It’s so funny how you describe him being replaced. II was just telling people that the person I married is gone. He seems to be possessed by a demon.
I am so sorry Monke. That hurts like a b*tch... I know. This time last year I was married and looking forward to a happy future with my H. Today I am separated and waiting for the final divorce order to go through. He has purchased a new home with his affair and they are planning a wedding for next July. If you had told me this last year at this time, I would have never believed it. It is still somewhat unbelievable even now.
When he first left (denying the affair the ENTIRE time until just this last March when I just told him to stop and basically told him I knew she was an affair and to man up and just admit it), I was devastated and wanting to save my marriage. Over time I realized that what I wanted to save was the future I had envisioned and not what I had at all. Truth be told, my H had checked out on me years ago and I had been lonely and alone for a very long time... I just hadn’t realized it. Once I started to understand that and that I was grieving something I didn’t actually have, I started to heal and move forward and to really let him go. The news of his engagement (which he hid from me for months apparently...old habits die hard) was just a blip in my day. Honestly...she can have him. He is a stranger to me now and a broken person and is someone I do not need in my life. I’m happier than I’ve been in years. My future is unknown and that used to scare me but now it excites me.
Anyway...I don’t want to hijack your thread with my own story but I just wanted to lend you my support and tell you that I know what you are going through and that you WILL get through it. When I was where you are and people told me that, I didn’t believe them. I couldn’t imagine being okay with not being married to my H and him living his life without me. The very thought of it sent me into a panic and I experienced a kind of psychological pain I would never wish on anyone. It was awful. Time is a great healer though and almost in spite of myself, I slowly but surely started to move forward and find happiness in my new normal. You will too. I promise!!! (((HUGS)))
One more thing... I don’t want you to lose hope because you never know what the future brings. Your H may come to his senses...especially if you DB hard and he starts to think he may actually lose you and that you are not his Plan B. I wasn’t ever really able to do that in my sitch. Pretty sure my H thought I was a solid Plan B and wanted to keep me there until he was sure his Plan A was going to come to fruition. Do NOT be his Plan B Monke. Let him go and move on with your life as if he is never coming back. He may...but you can’t count on that. If you do, you will stay stuck and just look weak and desperate in his eyes. That is not attractive and virtually guarantees the demise of your M. So take a deep breath and start living your life for you as if he is never coming back. If he wants to come back in the future, you will then be in the driver’s seat. If he doesn’t, you are still in the driver’s seat. You win either way. (((HUGS)))
How do I interact with him now? When I do talk with him, he tries to pick fights. Also, I think he is a horrible person now, and the sight of him disgusts me. To think he was sleeping with this woman and tormenting me for months making me feel like a POS wife. When he speaks with me, I cannot even look at him. How do you interact with this being that has wracked your life and your family?
