I’ve been married 16 years and have two small kids (6 and 10). Husband dropped bomb in February and since then has hit me with repeated requests to meet with a mediator to go through with the divorce. I honestly have not read or seen anything on how to handle these relentless discussions.
Well in general we say not to ignore it. Your attitude about divorce should be along the lines of "it's not what I want but if this is what you want I am not going to stand in your way."
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They are always the same thing: If I don’t cooperate, he is going to file with a lawyer, and it’s going to be expensive and messy for both of us, and I’ll regret it.
So basically he is trying to threaten and manipulate you into giving him what he wants. Do not fall for it. Too many LBS's try to appease their WAS and end up getting screwed in the D. Don't let that be you, stand up for your rights. Ironically if you roll over and accept his terms then he will have even less respect for you. But if you stand for your rights he may complain, but a seed of respect will have been planted.
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But I am not on board with the divorce to begin with, and even if I were, I’d want a lawyer to represent me as he has a ton of assets and owns businesses in several states.
By all means get a lawyer on board ASAP.
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It’s gotten to the point now where this morning he told me this was my last chance to accept a peaceful mediation.
I wonder why he's in such a hurry to divorce? Is he having an affair?
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How do I handle these conversations? I don’t even want to discuss it anymore.
It's unpleasant but the discussion needs to happen since he keeps pushing it. Don't agree to anything, even a mediation talk, until talking to a lawyer though.
When you get a chance please give us more details about your situation. Ages, why you think you are here, separated or living in same house, any affairs/ suspected affairs, etc. The more we know the better we can assist you.
Thanks, everyone! This is tremendously helpful. I've wondered about the affair, but I haven't found any evidence. Anything is possible, though. The nonstop pressure is suspicious. I started to call lawyers and have an appointment with one on Monday. I do not know what the rush is. When he tells me about the divorce, he says it's because "he wants out" and that he is tired of my constant calling him and checking up on him when he's out (he is out a lot---this is the pattern for years), unappreciativeness of his hard work, and several other things that he is actually right about that I have now ceased and desisted on, but he doesn't recognize it. Then they are a lot of other things he brings up that are untrue and super petty and totally insulting, but I just let him rant about them. But some of it is really hurtful, seems intentionally so. I will write more later as I have to run off for work. I am going to do my best to avoid another divorce discussion this morning as I exit the house because he gets me in the morning before work and it rattles me for the whole day.
The other thing is that when he talks about our relationship and divorce, he sounds like the “depressed spouse” from the DR book every time we speak. Everything that is wrong in his life is my fault, even the arthritis in his neck and back! It’s so hard to deal with. He says the thought of remaining married to me makes him want to jump off a bridge! He blames me for everything. He takes events that happened and twists them to explain them as something I purposely, maliciously inflicted on him. He is 51 and I am 48. He is a very impatient, Type-A kind of guy but not to the outside world—he hides it very well until pressed. Living with him right now is like being in a pressure cooker. We have two properties that have been the source of some conflicts and an unintended separation that have contributed to the problems.
Thank you, unchien. He also tells me that we fight too much and are just incompatible (which makes me think there is someone he finds more compatible...I’ve gotten very OCD about this and even hacked into his cell phone but found no evidence).
Everything that is wrong in his life is my fault, even the arthritis in his neck and back! It’s so hard to deal with.
Yes, we call that "rewriting history". Very unpleasant but they all do it. Eventually his fog will lift and he will see things differently.
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He says the thought of remaining married to me makes him want to jump off a bridge!
That's a reflection of how he feels right now. He's going through something and doesn't understand it, so you've become a lightning rod for it. This is why we say to give them time and space. He's got to figure out that you are not the problem, and then he's got to learn how to deal with those problems before he might want you back.
It’s something I’ve done throughout our marriage and one of the reasons he says he’s had enough. I’m always afraid of being cheated on. It’s a huge insecurity that’s plagued our relationship. He’s given me many warnings that it annoys the heck out of him. I guess I didn’t take them seriously enough.
I am sorry you are here. I like the advice you are getting. He is sending up some major red flags, being very selfish, and definitely trying to protect his ass(ets). PUN INTENDED. ....
I think your instincts that there is OW is right on. Sadly, that is the case some 99% of the time. Please do not agree to mediation or rushing into this at all. He could screw you over financially. He is not thinking straight or with the right head at the moment... often when men are running this fast, it is not so much running away from the W but towards OW. I agree with getting some legal advice. Hopefully you can find some free consultations.
Just be prepared with ALL your questions ready so they do not rope you into retaining them. Family law attys have a lucrative business in nasty Ds. .. I know in my sitch, mediation would have served me sooo much better than my H. I don't know if he even knew that. ....
and sadly, these WH (and WW) really know how to rewrite history and play the blame game. Its what they need to do to justify their cr-ppy selfish behavior. Try not to take it personally!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
