I’ve been married 16 years and have two small kids (6 and 10). Husband dropped bomb in February and since then has hit me with repeated requests to meet with a mediator to go through with the divorce. I honestly have not read or seen anything on how to handle these relentless discussions. They are always the same thing: If I don’t cooperate, he is going to file with a lawyer, and it’s going to be expensive and messy for both of us, and I’ll regret it. But I am not on board with the divorce to begin with, and even if I were, I’d want a lawyer to represent me as he has a ton of assets and owns businesses in several states. It’s gotten to the point now where this morning he told me this was my last chance to accept a peaceful mediation. How do I handle these conversations? I don’t even want to discuss it anymore.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
My partner agreed to mediation with her ex-husband, but also retained a personal attorney who advised her which of his proposals were reasonable and which were laughable. You can do both.
I’ve been married 16 years and have two small kids (6 and 10). Husband dropped bomb in February and since then has hit me with repeated requests to meet with a mediator to go through with the divorce. I honestly have not read or seen anything on how to handle these relentless discussions. They are always the same thing: If I don’t cooperate, he is going to file with a lawyer, and it’s going to be expensive and messy for both of us, and I’ll regret it. But I am not on board with the divorce to begin with, and even if I were, I’d want a lawyer to represent me as he has a ton of assets and owns businesses in several states. It’s gotten to the point now where this morning he told me this was my last chance to accept a peaceful mediation. How do I handle these conversations? I don’t even want to discuss it anymore.
First thing to do is go meet with several lawyers in your area. Most will give free initial consults. Have a list of questions. Find out your rights.
Someone said meet with the best ones. If you do this before H, then he can't retain them. I am not sure if that is true. Ask one of the lawyers about this.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
But I am not on board with the divorce to begin with
None of us here wanted D, but sadly it only takes one person to decide to divorce. Do you want to stand for your marriage? If so, you have to walk two (or more) paths in parallel.
1) Prepare for D 2) Change your interactions with H. Work on being attractive. Focus on your own persona growth. Read "Divorce Remedy" 3) Co-parent
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you, everybody. I've been reading Divorce Remedy, but I haven't finished it yet. I've been feeling like the only option for me right now is The Last Resort Technique, so that's what I've been following. I'll keep reading.
Last Resort Technique is the right choice now. Go over that plan often and stick to it. If he wants a divorce he knows he can file. Tell him there's nothing for you to discuss with this mediator. Get legal advice now.
Protect yourself but don't fight with him and get sucked into arguments.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Am I supposed to act as if I am into this divorce, even though I'm not? Confused.
The idea is to make your H do the work if he wants D. You won't stand in his way, but you won't help him either.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Someone said meet with the best ones. If you do this before H, then he can't retain them. I am not sure if that is true. Ask one of the lawyers about this.
I am 99.9% sure this is true. Call a L. They will ask your H's name. Ask the L why they ask. I believe even if they have only spoken for a free consultation with your H, they would refuse to speak with you due to conflict of interest. They definitely will not speak with you if your H has retained them, it would be cause for being disbarred.
I don't advocate calling a bunch of L's to prevent your H from using them. You may want to talk to a few (free consults are the best) to understand the process, your rights, etc.
In my state, there is no need for a L until D is filed. You would have 30 days to respond. And you could agree to go to mediation as part of the process. I am confused why your H is pressing for mediation - couldn't he instead file for D, and then you agree to mediation?
Anyhow I think you are doing the right thing avoiding mediation, same as ovrrnbw said.
I'm also curious if you are willing to share any insights into why your H wants a D?
I haven't gotten as far as mediation yet, because I've been putting it off until it's necessary. But from my understanding mediation is only typically used when two parties have a conflict or a disagreement in writing, whether its related to child custodial care finances Etc. You wouldn't hire a mediator unless there was a formal dispute and the two of you couldn't agree to something in writing as a legal contract. A mediator would also be used for ssset division. so until there is an actual disagreement or dispute over something then there's no purpose in hiring one. But like everyone here mentions definitely speak to several lawyers about your rights to protect yourself
