Thanks for stopping by. This anxiety is really a beast. When you have a good night sleep, and you open your eyes and the first thing the pops in the mind is the sitch, H, OW. And it stays, and turns around, and around, and around. I hate to start my day like this. Every day! I guess only time and distance help break that cycle. And my devotionals help, too.
I've asked to meet with my attorney either tomorrow or early next week. I'm glad I did all the preparations months ago. Just need to print it out and show up.
I've been looking at his credit report since he moved out - regularly. There was only 1 "hard" check in the last month from some sort of finance company. I can only assume it's for a loan (mortgage?). I'm on top of that. No movement on any of our investments, as I have access to it all. Still, I will move to protetct it all.
Another day has dawned in which to survive (I mean LIVE).
H feels cornered. I can feel it. He pretty much said as much to me.
I can't leave well enough alone. I don't know if it's the new me that has decided I need to speak out and say "what you are doing is not o.k. with me". Or just spur of the moment acting out on emotions.
I had a very good hunch (turns out accurate) that H was looking into the feasibility of getting a loan to buy a property. An email came to our joint account today saying that "I understand you are looking for a mortgage or loan".
So I decided to call H to ask him about it. He confirmed. He stated he still hasn't decided what to do. I asked him point blank if he was looking at buying a place with OW. He said they discussed it. He said that after our discussion on Saturday, he feels pushed to make a decision.
I told him that I am not waiting around saying "pick me, pick me, pick me". That forcing him to a decision was not my intent on Satulday. That the intent of Saturday was to open a dialogue. That I did think it was time to have real, authentic conversations. It wasn't fair to me to find out about his potential purchase through an email. I said that if he already made a decision, but he was too afraid to talk to me, that he shouldn't. He said he truly still doesn't know what to do. The only thing he knows is he's stressed.
There was more, but he was very short at the end and just said "Fine" when I said I think I deserve to be told things instead of finding out 2nd hand.
So, think he feels cornered.
He's not capable of having real, authentic dialogues at this time. Maybe he never will be.
I think he will choose OW,
I think that he can't face me.
In spite of the 30 minutes of anxiety over it, I don't feel too bad for pushing it.
Maybe I'm on the home stretch.
Now I have to get ready for happy hour with my girlfriend.
An email to find out about H’s potential loan. Glad you’re seeing a lawyer soon, you need to firm up the financial protection. The mindset of business deal gone bad, as suggested by HaWho, is a very good one.
Yep, pretty sure H feels cornered. Please stop pushing. Desperate people do desperate things, and you are still tied up with assets, kids, money, etc...
Besides - believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. It apples here pretty well.
H tells you he is unsure and still hasn’t decided what to do. Yet seeks information for a loan and is considering buying a place with OW. All in secret.
Originally Posted by Grace21
I can't leave well enough alone. I don't know if it's the new me that has decided I need to speak out and say "what you are doing is not o.k. with me". Or just spur of the moment acting out on emotions.
H knows how you feel about his actions.
You are responding to emotions. Reattaching to this situation. Hop in your intellectual car for a bit and look at this.
Protect you and the kids. Focus on you and the kids. Remain detached and find indifference. Decide what you want for you and the kids. Leave H to his confusion.
Originally Posted by Grace21
Yet I'm anxious.
How can I be so good just a few short weeks ago. And I feel so incredibly anxious now? Even after the burden that was lifted by finally letting H know his choices are not o.k. Getting it out in the open. I felt great after that, for a short while.
My lack of control over the situation takes my destiny out of my hands.
I fear the unknown. I fear dealing with the fallout, hurt and disappointment of my kids when they learn their dad has chosen a life with a girlfriend while married to their mom. D19 is already fragile.
I fear the daunting task of potentially (likely?) separating our lives completely and forever.
You’ve already illustrated a few causalities for anxiousness.
H knows his choices are not ok. Keep expectation at zero, and let him go.
Fears. You have listed a few. This is good, and a fine place to start.
The unknown.
The hurt. The disappointment. I would look at these separately. Hurt and disappointment of the kids when they learn about their Dad’s choices.
Consider each and dig to see what is tied to your irrational fear. It is usually a few layers deep/removed from the obvious and always ties back to you or affects you. For example fear regarding kids, ends up being something to do with you.
My sister and I, while she was visiting, discussed some of her fears. One was regarding her son and his allergies. Digging, some why questions, some encouragement and she saw her fear has little to do with her son’s allergies. She saw the possible events she fears and now has some work to rationalize and uncouple them.
Grace, feel free to ask me or tell me anything you like. Nothing to fear from me.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I realized yesterday that I have so many people in my life that I can call on at a moments notice if I need support. People are reaching out to me, or readily accepting my invitations, to get to know me better. The kids and I are closer than ever. I am thankful I used this time separated from H to develop those relationships. That’s what life is all about anyway, isn’t it?
I’m also thankful I found this forum. It’s been a lifeline.
I know ultimately I will be o.k. I just need to tighten my seatbelt for the upcoming rocky ride, endure it, and reach the other side.
First step. See lawyer on Tuesday. She was kind enough to let me pay by the hour until such a time I (or H) files. I also get a 25% discount because it was a referral through a program at work. Well, it came out of our joint account anyway. Let H pay for it.
Originally Posted by DnJ
An email to find out about H’s potential loan. Glad you’re seeing a lawyer soon, you need to firm up the financial protection. The mindset of business deal gone bad, as suggested by HaWho, is a very good one.
This is exactly how I am approaching it. Protect me and the kids. This is probably my biggest fear right now, because he can pull his paycheck from our joint account at any time, and I am waiting anxiously for next weekend to see if that was done. I will then be at his mercy to give me enough to pay all the bills until we agree on alimony and are D. I am going to look at where the money goes to see how short I will be on just the basics using only my salary. I don’t want to ask my parents for help, but I know they will if I do. We’ll see how the numbers come out.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Yep, pretty sure H feels cornered. Please stop pushing. Desperate people do desperate things, and you are still tied up with assets, kids, money, etc...
Yes. I (almost) regret that last phone call, but I don’t think it changed anything in his mind. He felt cornered before that. But, I have vowed to not initiate contact at all and see how this plays out. He will be seeing D19 for her birthday on Friday, and S21 asked H to join us for a birthday dinner at a locally famous place in early August (my kids have the same birthday). He already agreed to that, so we will see what happens. 2 months ago I made reservations for 4 with no expectations. I have absolutely no problem dining without H. It would probably be a nicer time anyway.
Originally Posted by DnJ
H tells you he is unsure and still hasn’t decided what to do. Yet seeks information for a loan and is considering buying a place with OW. All in secret.
Believe me, this did not go unnoticed by me. He never once in 10 months said anything about trying to work it out. Only a few vague references to selling everything, moving away and starting over (sometimes in reference to himself, sometimes he included me). This is the most telling of all I think. At this time, he can’t, or won’t, make even the first step in facing himself much less our M.
And all the lies are getting tiresome.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Protect you and the kids. Focus on you and the kids. Remain detached and find indifference. Decide what you want for you and the kids. Leave H to his confusion.
Mama bear is definitely in protection mode now. It almost feels good to prepare for my appointment with the lawyer. I’m a bit worried about the kids being away at school before this really plays out. I will see what the next 3 weeks brings, and probably have the convo with them before they go back so they have time to process and discuss as much as they want face to face.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Consider each and dig to see what is tied to your irrational fear. It is usually a few layers deep/removed from the obvious and always ties back to you or affects you. For example fear regarding kids, ends up being something to do with you.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Grace, feel free to ask me or tell me anything you like. Nothing to fear from me.
Here’s a question for you DnJ. What is the first step in peeling back the layers? Time, action and relinquishing control seem to calm my anxiousness, but maybe it just stifles it temporarily and that’s why it continues to rear it’s ugly head.
And for anyone who wants to weigh in, if you have suggestions for specific questions to ask my lawyer, please send them my way.
Awesome post. Well thought out and of course really good living.
Good for you, planning on seeing your lawyer and getting some further answers and options.
I have nothing specific as such. Just find out the worst case scenario, the best case scenario, what you could fight for and most likely win, what you could fight for and most likely lose. Discuss custody and see if sole custody is possible and what it would take to achieve. See what is the legal default for custody and spitting of assets. All just information. Then you can make informed decision on what you want to do. What you are willing to negotiate away and what you are willing to die for.
Remain intellectual with the business deal gone bad mindset and you will make better decisions. Once home and safe you can allow the emotions to flood back and process and accept them.
Generally speaking I believe a better settlement is reached outside of the courts. One can waive certain rights or their portion for something else they want instead. That may sound a little inelegant, yet that is pretty much what this is about - kids and money. And I’ve seen and read many MLCers who have given up custody for money.
When H is offering a settlement, let him (well his L) do most of the talking. If he comes up with, or feels he came up with something, it is much more likely to remain as opposed to something you want or propose. Remember you have time on your side, most MLCers feel trapped and want to get things over and done, and get on with their new wonderful life.
That is exactly what my XW did. In her hurry, she threw away everything to rush to OM’s arms and the empty promise of affair provided happiness. Now, I wasn’t anywhere near as stable or clearheaded as you are right now. I was very lucky with her rushing though her settlement offer and I had enough sense (and friends and family) to know that was a really good deal, so I accepted. Be open to possibilities, a good deal may be put on the table. Remember - business deal thinking. I know just how icky this all feels. In time, you will see it just as what it is.
- - - -
To start peeling back the layers. Like our individual journeys, each person steps through differently. However there are a few general first things that need to happen:
Identification of fears need to be one of the first things, cannot find acceptance of something if you don’t even know what you’re working on. Identification - Check.
Acknowledgement that you have fears. Acknowledgement - Check.
Look at you, two steps are ready completed.
Asking where do I start. What are my first steps. Showing a willingness, a desire, and committing yourself to actually doing this. That might just be the most critical first step. Commitment - Check.
To peel back the layers - follow the sting, follow the pain, follow the fear.
We all have a trail within ourselves we could follow. Layers of our lives covering irrational insecurities and fears. Layers of materialistic items, relationships, and other distractions keeping fear at bay. We don’t often walk towards what hurts or fears us. Do that. Follow your trail to your fear.
As you journey through your fear, rationalize what you find and feel. See it for what it is. Let it go.
As LBS, there is a fantastic opportunity for growth and betterment. Our lives are upside down, and torn apart. Layers ripped open, and the deep core of one’s self exposed. Strange feelings and emotional responses seem to run amok. We, of course, will put our self back together. Look at the pieces, keep what you like, change what you don’t. Fears, like everything else, are exposed more than at any other time in your life - take advantage of the opportunity to heal really well.
Grace, believe that you will, in the very best sense of the word, be fearless.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
DnJ - thanks once again for the feedback and insight.
A friend told me once that I might get a really great settlement offer if H feels any guilt or remorse, and I let him file. I believe he deeply feels both of these things. You seem to confirm this. I will discuss this with my attorney - proactive or reactive.
I have one question. You mention custody several times. My kids will be 20 and 22 this week. Perhaps you thought I had minors in the house? Even though they are older, they are still in college and in some way financially dependent on us for some of their expenses. This will for sure be put down as something to work out. Who pays for what.
Anyway. Please elaborate a bit if you meant it in terms of adult, yet partially dependent, children.
Guilt definitely played a part in me getting a great settlement with my STBXH. I say take full advantage of it when and if he files. Try and be proactive if you can and keep your emotions out of it as much as possible.
Sounds like you are still doing really well. Time and acceptance are the two greatest healers IMO. One you have to work at and the other will just take care of itself. (((HUGS)))
My apologies Grace. I was indeed thinking you had minors. Silly me. I know different and it is right there in your signature line. I definitely got my lines crossed somewhere.
D20 and S22 this week - Happy Birthday to them.
For where I live, adult partially dependent children there’s no child support unless they’re disabled. The cost of university/college or other furthering of their education, and books, cars, commuting, rent, and so on can be split up and parents are responsible for those cost until the child is 25. You are correct that this is something to get worked out with the lawyers.
Have a good evening.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Just popping in for a quick update. The appointment with lawyer had to be postponed due to her illness and court until tomorrow. I am prepared with my questions and finances.
There has been some e-mail exchange with H. He's in a very bad way. The demons have a very strong hold. I have been sending brief responses back that reflect understanding/compassion for his pain, but not much else except to keep the lines of communication open if he chooses to. He said he has so much he wants to say, but it's all jumbled up and hard to organize his thoughts. I will wait patiently to receive any communication from him if he chooses to do that. He sent me a light text message this morning about the kids birthday. Made me laugh out loud. I sent a brief one back.
These exchanges are not changing my course. Lawyer tomorrow to firm up a plan if I need to respond or move on my own. Enjoying all my GAL activities, and my kids, of course.
I no longer have any teenagers. Wow. Life moves on.
