Fine tuning my inner Me

[Gerda]

Grace, I think the conversation you had was amazing and full of blessings. God can heal anything and anyone, even all the things KML lists above. It's not about being Catholic or any other religion, though we know Christ offers something completely different. It's about trusting God with your life and everything in it. I don't know when you will be able to trust your H but I know when you can trust God. Now.

You did well and I am very happy for you. I dream of having a convo like that with my H. Or at least, I did. I am in a darker place now.

And yes, I think you are right to hear loud and clear about not bringing up anything anymore. You've said it and he can know now whatever he chooses to know. So now you can let go and trust the process, wherever it leads. He may well move in with OW, but she sounds perfect for this -- she will destroy it all by herself, just let her do it and keep being the wonderful Grace and grace that you are.

Love to you, Grace. I am happy for you, as hard as it was. You sound great and it went better than I thought it would. Now you need to pull a Phillipians 4, 4-9, esp 8-9.

XOXOXOXO

[job]

Grace,

I, too, think you handled yourself very well and expressed your thoughts in a clear and concise manner. I am praying that your h will think often of the conversation and come to realize that the OW is not the key to his happiness.

I agree both w/what kml and Gerda have posted. Now, you need to step back and trust the process. I know it's hard to let go, but you have to put you faith and trust in the man upstairs to take it from here. You may not always see progress, but he is definitely working on your h. As they say "your h is a work in progress".

[Grace21]

Kml, Gerda, Job– thanks for your input. It’s appreciated and allows me to regroup and think about all perspectives.

Ok , now that you've had your say (and you did well) you need to let go and focus on YOUR life. Are you living your dreams? If not, what is holding you back?

I’ve been doing this very well for many months now. I travel, see friends, enjoy all the activities I love, am involved in ministry work, and am developing deeper relationships with my kids. My life is full.

I know he said a lot of things that you might read as hopeful - but let's be real here.

I certainly don’t hopeful think it makes me hopeful he is open to R. On the contrary, I think he feels it will never happen. Sometimes (often) I do too. My hope is for him right now is to be receptive to take the steps towards a more fulfilled and happy life for himself. And that’s what I told him.

He has deep serious problems beyond simple depression and you should NOT consider taking him back unless he has done a LOT of work (say, for example, a year of individual counseling and 12 step meetings for sex addiction).

I agree with this 100%, and have no plans to take him back without results from hard work.

But you must ask yourself why you don't believe you deserve more?

What I deserve is a happy, fulfilled life. I have found that. I am not desperate, and would not take back this broken man as he is today.

Despite everything he said yesterday, I predict he will move ahead with moving in with the OW

He may well move in with OW, but she sounds perfect for this -- she will destroy it all by herself, just let her do it and keep being the wonderful Grace and grace that you are.

I agree. He probably will. And it will be a disaster. The real question I need to pray about is do I divulge to the kids that dad is shacking up with someone. I need to really consider what the purpose of that would be. If I file for D, or we work out an agreement where he is not welcome at the house, than I guess I would.

God can heal anything and anyone, even all the things KML lists above.

I believe this. But my prayer for his healing is not tied to whether we will R or not. That is another, separate, journey that needs to take it’s own course. I want him healed more than I want R.

It's about trusting God with your life and everything in it. I don't know when you will be able to trust your H but I know when you can trust God. Now.

Because of my convo with H yesterday, I feel my fear and anxiety mostly gone. That trust in God has returned, and I feel freer.

And yes, I think you are right to hear loud and clear about not bringing up anything anymore. You've said it and he can know now whatever he chooses to know. So now you can let go and trust the process, wherever it leads. .

H sent me another e-mail just a few hours ago. It said “I won’t lie. It was a tough conversation but you gave me a lot to think about”.

I will let him think, and choose his own destiny. But I plan to be here if he needs someone to listen or just to have someone show him compassion. (Phillipains 4: 8-9). This does not, however, assume I would just “take him back” or R. I’ve come too far to go back.

Now, you need to step back and trust the process. I know it's hard to let go, but you have to put you faith and trust in the man upstairs to take it from here. You may not always see progress, but he is definitely working on your h. As they say "your h is a work in progress".

This letting go and trusting the man upstairs to do his job has been a prayer of mine since the day H moved out. I struggled with the letting go. It's my nature to fix things. I'm finally at that place to turn it over to God. It's a burden that God willingly took on for me, and I'm grateful.

[DnJ]

Hello Grace

Well done!

(((Grace)))

You handled yourself wonderfully.

I suggest you tell your adult children about their Dad’s living arrangements, etc. I’d tell them even if they were not adult. If you do not, when they find out - then what? You do not need to hide this. Stick to the facts, be sincere and honest - just be yourself. Your kids deserve the truth.

I know you are considering the purpose in telling them. Also what is the purpose in not telling them.

As I said just a suggestion.

You’re waking a really fine path. Compassionate and understanding. You so got this.

DnJ

[Grace21]

Thanks for stopping by DnJ. Always love to hear from you, and appreciate your well thought out advice and encouragement.

I suggest you tell your adult children about their Dad’s living arrangements, etc. I’d tell them even if they were not adult. If you do not, when they find out - then what? You do not need to hide this. Stick to the facts, be sincere and honest - just be yourself. Your kids deserve the truth.

I think you are right. It's that fear again rearing it's ugly head. But, as I learned in my convo with H, fear won't kill me, and I give it much more importance than reality dictates.


I won't lie, I thought a lot about H today. Not so much about H and OW, just H.


I also thought about visiting my attorney to discuss options for a more formal separation agreement. There is no legal separation in my state, but we might possibly be able to negotiate a "post-nuptial agreement". I am, after all, realistic, and also love to be prepared in any situation. This mess is no different.

[Grace21]

Journaling....

Such a roller coaster of emotions. I'm trying my best to feel them and let them pass. It's tough, I won't lie. Real tough. I'm digging deep. My compassion for my broken H runs deep. I feel no pity, just deep compassion and sorrow. He sent me another e-mail last night:

"I know I'm not being fair. I've left you in limbo. Even I feel in limbo. I know that I must come to some sort of decision. I can't sit out here in this condo forever, waiting for a eureka moment. I feel so sorry about all that's occurred. so scared. So depressed. and I know that I'm [not] doing right by anyone. I guess one way or another, I will leave this condo by labor day. I'm sorry I can't be more specific than that. I hope you will continue to at least understand me. I'm sorry for everything. truly I am"

I’m trying not to read anything into it. I think it was meant just as an apology. It sounds to me like he believes he only has 2 options – Her or Me. I wish he would realize that there is another option. Choosing himself. I would love to tell him that I’m not in limbo. He hasn’t realized fully that just as I can’t control his actions, his indecision has not been controlling mine.

I also think it sounds like he is preparing me for “the worst”. He’s moving on. Whatever his decision, I just pray that it includes choosing Life. The omen is still lurking.

This came across my FB page this morning:

“Be thankful for closed doors, detours and roadblocks. They protect you from paths and places not meant for you”.

I’m reminded that everything God does in my life is for my good, even when I don’t see it, even when they are difficult and throw me into despair.

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28.

One day at a time.

Time to get back to ME.

Grace

[DnJ]

Good Morning Grace

Yes, that emotional rollercoaster takes a while to accept. The second time is easier.

Compassionate indifference.

You achieved an indifferent perspective and feeling towards H. Then further understanding begets compassion, empathy, forgiving, etc... And a few more rides on the rollercoaster.

You are doing excellent. Feeling these feelings, let them pass, by acknowledging them and accepting them.

Compassionate indifference. You can, and will, love someone; and yet not be dragged around by emotions. It’s a really good path to walk, leads to a wonderful peace, calm, and grace.

H’s email: I think it / he deserves a response.

Acknowledge his feelings, he is reaching out. You are correct he has more than two choices. The fact that he even see these two as choices is good and positive.

The best way to tell him that his indecision hasn’t been controlling you, holding you back, is to show him. Keep moving forward, he is watching. Be a beacon.

He is still on his path. Do not get your expectations up. You can respond, if you choose. How about:

Good Morning H

Thank you for your email.

I am sorry you feel scared, depressed, and lost in limbo. And I can see how you feel you need to come to a decision.

I appreciate you saying how sorry you are.

Thanks

Grace


A kind helping hand from within his darkness while whispers of doubt speak in his ears.

Compassionate indifference.



DnJ

[Grace21]

DnJ - thanks for you input. It's been tough to work today, for sure.




I have been writing down a few thoughts in response, keeping compassion in mind. I believe indifference also. I'm choosing my words very carefully. I'm trying to keep it brief, but express my sorrow for his pain. It's a work in progress since last night. I will not send it right away. I appreciate the input, and will give it much consideration.

Grace

[Grace21]

Journaling.....

I'm thankful for this forum. Not only for the advice, support, and friendship, but it also gives me a reason to organize my thoughts and work out the issues of the day.

Anxiety is running rampant, yet again.

I can’t stop the freight train carrying H to a train wreck. I don’t have the power. I know it. I don’t think he has the power either. He’s weak. Depressed. Frozen in a miserable, lonely existence. Yes lonely even with OW I’d venture to guess. He’s on that train and doesn’t know how to get off.

There was a time this morning at work that I realized I didn’t think about H for a few hours. I prayed right then and there a prayer of thanks for that reprieve. Any moment he (they) are not on my mind is a blessing.

Yet I'm anxious.

How can I be so good just a few short weeks ago. And I feel so incredibly anxious now? Even after the burden that was lifted by finally letting H know his choices are not o.k. Getting it out in the open. I felt great after that, for a short while.

My lack of control over the situation takes my destiny out of my hands.

I fear the unknown. I fear dealing with the fallout, hurt and disappointment of my kids when they learn their dad has chosen a life with a girlfriend while married to their mom. D19 is already fragile.

I fear the daunting task of potentially (likely?) separating our lives completely and forever.

But, my destiny is in MY hands, isn’t it? I don’t need to ride that train to a wreck and fear the unknown. I need to get off, and take matters in my own hands.

Stop snooping. – I fell off the wagon and this caused my anxiety to rear its ugly head today. Phone records show a call from a mortgage broker. Doesn’t H know that he can’t buy a place without my knowledge? Doesn’t he know that it will be 50% mine if he uses our money, including all the furnishings? He’s a smart man. How can he be so stupid? Maybe he’s not buying a place at all. Unlikely. The evidence is piling up. I’ll know by Labor Day for sure.

I’m really beginning to hate the waiting. Don’t wait, move forward! Ugh!

Make GAL plans – Have plans Friday night with a girlfriend to catch up. Next Friday and Saturday are also booked. I’ll spend tons of time with D19. It’s her birthday next week. I’ve got less than a month before she goes back to school.

Meet with my attorney – I reached out to her to discuss contingencies if H buys a place, and to discuss my finances and a potential separation agreement (not legally, as it’s not allowed in my state). I'm looking forward to meeting with her.

Call a friend – messaged her. And she is a blessing.

Love on my kids – always and every day

Maybe it’s time for a wee glass of wine, put my feet up, and watch T.V.

Tomorrow will bring yet another perspective.

I hope it’s fresh and not stale.

Grace

[HaWho]

I remember the anxiety induced by all the uncertainty. I suppose we all do as we witnessed our seemingly sane spouses spiral into adolescent thinking.

We cannot control it and we cannot stop it but we must work diligently to protect against Expedite the meeting with the lawyer. Try hard to think of this as a business deal gone bad. Have you run a credit score check?

This is such an unromantic part to standing but so very critical.