Fine tuning my inner Me

[Grace21]

If you are willing I am interested in your fears.

I am not fearful of sharing my fears. I'm just not sure I know exactly what they are. They are certainly much fewer than 10 months ago. I will take a few days to consider, and return with my musings.

I appreciate your nudges to grow, DnJ.

[Grace21]

Today brings to close 9 months of living without my H, 9 months of new discoveries and making new friends, 9 months of an incredible faith journey, and 9 months of discovering the Me that was suppressed for quite a while.

I like the new (old) me.

I contemplated looking at some of my early posts, but decided that was in the past, and is meaningless to me now. That isn’t me any more.

I was with some friends last night, and they of course wanted an update on H. My friend said “at some point you just need to give him an ultimatum to either commit or move on”. I just told her that no, I don’t. There is no need because I feel happy, and have a full life the way things are now. I told her I felt strongly that I need to just live my life showing grace, love, compassion and love to H or anyone that comes in my life. I’m not sue she got it. She is in a strong, good marriage, and she thinks I deserve that too. Yes, I do, but that does not define me. We talked more about it, and she apologized. Told her no need, but I think she understands my view on it now a bit more.

So, where do you see yourself? How much prison is bathed in light? Do you see your two lights? I see them. If you are willing I am interested in your fears. DnJ

I’ve put much thought into this over the past few days. Even chatted a bit with a friend about fears (hers) Friday night. (She is going through a nasty situation with a hugely out of control MLCr). Anyway, I said to her “I don’t feel fear any more”.

And I don’t.

Posted 4/29/19

The fears are now understood, reasoned, for what they truly are, the irrational obsessions of possible future events.

The cause of the fears are understood, your emotional response to fear is abated.

Letting go of fear bring so much peace and strength. You know you will be alright. You feel it.

The path you choose, loving detachment, now enfolds - compassion, empathy, and understanding flourish.

Logic and reason bring understanding and acceptance.

Understanding, acceptance, compassion, and empathy, brings forgiveness.

Now, something truly miraculous occurs. You find two keys within yourself.

You are both prisoner and jailer within these self built walls.

The keys are forgiveness, and your release.

The first, forgiving yourself, removes the door.

The second, forgiving your spouse (and others), removes the prison.

You are released.

Freedom is truly found.

This is what 9 months has given me.

Logic and reason led to detachment. Detachment led to acceptance. Acceptance made room for compassion, empathy, [Grace and love]. Forgiveness has arrived, I think. This place I’m in is a gift from God, and will allow Him to work on H without my interference. Whether God will bring reconciliation is up to Him, but I told a good friend today that has seen me through this process that I now feel that it might be possible some day. I still don’t see myself as divorced.

But, if that is what happens, I no longer fear it.

So, 9 months brings me to today. Happy, content, complete.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

Life is good.

[DnJ]

That is fantastic!

Happy, content, complete.

You are shinning Grace. And what a beautiful light to share with the world.

DnJ

[Grace21]

Something I've been thinking about. How can I feel so confident and feel "happy, content, and complete" for a while, and then BAM, anxious and not so content. When this happens, it's not that I'm unhappy, I just obsess over my sitch and H and the OW. Why do I still care?

I guess that just tells me I'm not detached enough. It makes me wonder when I will be. I almost wrote "if I ever will be", but i know at some point I will be.

Is it because I still interact with him from time to time? Or, is it my controlling "fix it" nature sneaking in? Or perhaps it's just Satan rearing his ugly head and trying to take over the sitch.

I'm on a great vacation now. In my home state but brought a GF with me who has never been here. Saw some family, but we are really doing the foodie thing. High end. It's been awesome. Brought a high school GF with us last night to a James Beard award winning restaurant. Awesome. Great food and company. It's been really fun. H shouldn't be weighing on my mind. But, I'm thinking it's because I've really not prayed or read my bible for several days. Satan is probably seeing his opportunity.

Time to get back on track.

Time to enjoy the rest of my vacation.

Time for a glass of wine.

Time for feeling "happy, content, and complete" again.

Life if good.

Grace

[DnJ]

Hello Grace

How can I feel so confident and feel "happy, content, and complete" for a while, and then BAM, anxious and not so content.

You listed some really good points and I do like the “way” you spoke about detachment.

Why do I still care?

Because you care.

Let me use me and my situation. Perhaps you will see some similarities. Use whatever works and discard the rest.

I would loose my contentment every now and then as well. Wondering why I still cared about W.

I lived with the woman, loved this woman, for 30+ years. Of course I care!

The problem isn’t the lack of detachment. It’s accepting that you care. The problem is trying (notice wording - destine to fail) to not care. I’ve cared for 30 years, that just isn’t going to stop - well not if one is compassionate and empathetic.

Obtaining detachment and finding indifference is key to one’s healing. Remaining compassionate, accepting who you are, and what you feel; allows one to find a compassionate indifference, something like tough love.

I still get feeling of caring towards W, and thoughts as well. I remain happy and content, these feelings and thoughts are reminders, are proof, that those 30 years were real. Yes those years are over; and I cherish memories of more good than bad times.

I embraced my feelings, my beliefs, and accepted them. Kindness and compassion - let the chips fall where they do. W had an affair, threw away her kids and her life, and divorced me. That will not, and does not define me. I could have turned to vengeance and found a non-caring way through my foggy path. I could have altered my beliefs - that didn’t suit me.

Grace, you can alter and change your beliefs. Do you want to not care? Personally, I suggest not working towards that. I see you as a caring kind woman, embrace that. Accept that, and find peace with you caring about H. With that achieved you will not obsess over him and OW - it’s trying to not care that brings him and her into the forethought too much.

Accept you care and let go.

It’s easier than it might look. This is all you, absolutely nothing to do with H. You can be indifferent to his actions and behaviours; and still be at peace with your feelings.

You have achieve peace and contentment, and then those feelings of caring come back. You can fight it, or accept it. Which one looks more peaceful to you? Which suits you?

Have a wonderful vacation.

DnJ

[DejaVu6]

(((GRACE))). As usual, DnJ has some sage advice. I think you are doing great and of course you will think about him from time to time. As DnJ says... accept it and be okay with it... and then get on with you being you. You are going to be okay no matter what Grace. Believe it!!! Your sitch is not over and done. Stay the course. Be patient but don’t wait for him. Move forward with your life...if he comes back and wants to R, you will be in the driver’s seat. And if he doesn’t... you will still be in the driver’s seat. Do the things that make you happy and spend time with the people who love you and want to spend time with you. Be present in your life and try not to look back too much. Memories are great but you live your life in the here and now. Your trip sounds like great fun!!! Soak up every minute. (((HUGS)))

[Gerda]

Just wrote about this on Nyla's thread. You are flesh and you loved deeply. Why are you beating yourself up for loving truly? What kind of a stone-hearted woman could not care that her H has an OW?

I have had to confess murderous thoughts many times not only about OW but about the guy paying for H's divorce lawyer -- who thus enabled a divorce my H could never have afforded to undertake. (He's my kids' godfather.) I don't mean that metaphorically. I mean I wanted to see them dead.

What I just wrote on Nyla's thread is that there is someone who is very good at a very quick path to detachment and at shutting off thoughts of love and care.

That person is your H. My H, all the MLCer's here.

Do you want to have that power?

Weakness in this case is a good sign that your heart is still flesh. And don't forget what Paul says about weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9

[Grace21]

DnJ, Deja, and Gerda. Thank you for your input, support, advice. So much appreciated.

DnJ - I still find myself trying not to care, and I'm struggling hard today.

DeJa - just when I think I've accepted my sitch and am o.k. with it, I find I'm not.

Gerda - 2 Corinthians 12:9 is spot on. I'm putting it in my journal to remind myself it's in these times, we can find ourselves closer to God.

*******************

Journaling. I need some support and sage advice. I didn't edit a lot, so excuse my stream of consciousness.


Back from a wonderful vacation. Connected with family, and friends. Back to reality tomorrow.
Recently I ended a post with a question: “I wonder what tomorrow will bring?”

That post was so full of peace. Contentment. What happened to that person?

She is struggling today.

H was on my mind a lot during the trip. I posted about it. Wondering if I’m done is weighing heavily on my mind. I thought a lot about asking H to meet to discuss whether it’s time to have a more formal separation. He’s got a girlfriend and his own place. I don’t go over there. It’s starting to bug me he can come and go as he pleases here. He’s starting to detach from taking care of the yard. I’ve been doing some of it. I don’t think he believes I do a good job. He wondered if he should look into a lawn service.

H is adopted, and I’m close with his birth mother. She lives out of the country. I’m close to her, and phone her regularly. I don’t pump her for info about H, but I found out today (from her) that he is visiting and bringing OW. I guessed and she confirmed. Apparently OW asked to go, and H wanted his birth mother’s blessing he could bring her. She could hear I was upset. She of course wants to stay out of it. But, this woman hasn’t seen her grand kids in several years. She’s 83 years old. You would think he would bring the kids. I find myself really quite upset about this!

I hate that I’m very upset about this.


She also said he was moving to a new apartment. Getting a place with OW? I don’t know. But, seems to me if he does, he’s made his decision.

I have thoughts of wanting to embarrass him, hurt him (badly), of telling the kids, and giving him a piece of my mind. Ugly thoughts. I don’t like it.

Why can’t he just make a decision? I don’t want to. Do I have to?


I think that pursuing a D, or pressuring H to make a decision, won’t really change my path, and may even complicate it. I don’t want to avoid addressing our situation and perhaps pursue a more formal S or even D for the wrong reasons either – fear of dealing with the difficult; being the one to end the marriage in my kids eyes. I don’t want them to blame ME.

I was so confident of my stand 2 weeks ago. What the heck changed? Maybe because I stopped my running dialogue with God over the vacation. I really fell off the wagon in that department.

D19 had a major melt down on the phone last night with me. She was home along during my vacation. She is really struggling. With work and other things. She struggles with making friends too. She’s a bit shy, so it was very quiet around here I’m sure. I was really worried she was having a nervous breakdown. When I saw her today she seemed much better. She sure is happy I’m home. I don’t want her to use me to fill her life, though. That worries me a bit. But, I certainly am here for her. I also suggested she see her therapist regularly when she gets back to school. She agreed. I messaged H briefly about it. His response? “She seemed fine when I saw her today.” He added that he agreed maybe she needs therapy. That was it.

I’m so mad at him right now. I just want to scream at him “what the he** are you doing? Snap out of it!!

Of course even if I ask him to meet to talk, I won’t do that. I am committed to reflect compassion, peace, and contentment. The love of Christ. Let my inner joy shine.

I need to find it first.

[97Hope]

That post was so full of peace. Contentment. What happened to that person?

She is struggling today.

Your name says what you need to accept for yourself. Grace. Allow God's grace to cover you. The struggle is real. You are still you. This is a terrible circumstance you are in, don't beat yourself up over how hard it is. You wouldn't judge anyone else going through the same. In fact, what would you tell your friend if she asked these questions?

I hate that I’m very upset about this.

Of COURSE you are upset. They are feelings. They are yours and they don't make you who you are or define your identity. They are your feelings. If you fight against them or try and deny them, you might get stuck. Accept that these are your feelings and work through them. Again - grace.

She also said he was moving to a new apartment. Getting a place with OW? I don’t know. But, seems to me if he does, he’s made his decision.

I have thoughts of wanting to embarrass him, hurt him (badly), of telling the kids, and giving him a piece of my mind. Ugly thoughts. I don’t like it.

You are not alone. You know what you can do with those thoughts, take them captive and replace them with good thoughts. Focus on the good.

Why can’t he just make a decision? I don’t want to. Do I have to?

He is not in control of what you do. YOU are. Don't give him power over your responses to his behavior.

I was so confident of my stand 2 weeks ago. What the heck changed? Maybe because I stopped my running dialogue with God over the vacation. I really fell off the wagon in that department.

That's what happens to me. If I don't stay in touch, I feel bad. Sometimes, though, it just hurts like hades and there's nothing for it but to go through it and take care of ourselves. Remember "this is a marathon not a sprint" like they say here all the time!!

I also suggested she see her therapist regularly when she gets back to school. She agreed. I messaged H briefly about it. His response? “She seemed fine when I saw her today.” He added that he agreed maybe she needs therapy. That was it.

I’m so mad at him right now. I just want to scream at him “what the he** are you doing? Snap out of it!!

That would be frustrating for any parent. We would all love to scream at them - unfortunately I have and I'll just go ahead and tell ya, it was less than effective ; )

Of course even if I ask him to meet to talk, I won’t do that. I am committed to reflect compassion, peace, and contentment. The love of Christ. Let my inner joy shine.

I need to find it first.

You will find it again. This is a valley. I will pray for you tonight.

I don't want to sound like I have all the answers. I ask all of these questions myself and have some of the same emotions around this. Sometimes it's easier to answer others' questions and we get stuck in our own sitch.

[Grace21]

Thank you Hope for your words of support, kindness and advice. I appreciate it.

He is not in control of what you do. YOU are. Don't give him power over your responses to his behavior.

Thank you for this reminder. I am letting his actions have power over me. It’s that fear that DnJ speaks of. I feel like satan is working overtime to get to me. I don’t want him or H to have that power.

After my vacation, I was catching up on my devotions last night. I get daily devotions e-mailed to me. The one I clicked on last night was titled “Replace your Fear with Trust”. This is the devotional:

“And he did rescue us from mortal danger, and he will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue us” (2 Corinthians 1:10 NLT).
God is watching over you, so don’t listen to your fears. This is a choice. Trust God, and don’t give in to your fears.
God’s promise to believers is that, no matter what happens to us, he is working for our good—if we love him and follow him (Romans 8:28). If you're a believer, the Bible says all things are working together for good—not that all things are good but they are working together for good.
That means we can stop listening to our fears, because there is no difficulty, dilemma, defeat, or disaster in the life of a believer that God can’t ultimately get some good out of. There is no need to fear the future.
Your fears reveal where you do not trust God. Today, make a list of your fears, and ask God to help you identify why you have fear in those areas. Then, ask him to help you replace your fears with trust.
Now, this is important: Expect God to start helping you learn to trust him with each fear. Then, watch to see how he helps you.

************************

I don’t believe it’s a coincidence that I was behind on my emails and read this message from June 26 last night. God of course was trying to get my attention.

I cried last night. Hard. I just felt tired. I’m tired of being strong. For myself. For my kids. I’m in the middle of the marathon, and I’m feeling it. Isn’t that when marathoner’s feel like quitting? About in the middle? Having never ran one, I don’t know. But, I’ve run a few 5ks, and I had to dig deep to break the psychological barrier to completing the race. I always did.

Even after sleeping on it I’m leaning towards opening a R conversation with H, and let the chips fall where they may. I’m praying for guidance, so we will see.

However, this morning I did send an e-mail to H’s birth mother. The new Me is learning to express feelings and get things out in the open when the event happens, rather than festering, causing resentment. I did that with my friend on my trip, too. The old me would brush things under the rug and smooth things over. It was very bad for my marriage.

I expressed how I felt betrayed by her for her accepting Hs girlfriend in her home. She is very religious, and I just told her I was surprised because this would go against her Christian beliefs. There was a lot more, and I was very kind and told her I was in no way trying to influence the events, but felt it important to tell her how I feel. I’m glad I did. We’ll see if she responds, but I am good either way.

Something else that I’ve been wondering about. Why keep OW such a secret? He still has “married to me” on his FB page, with pictures of us still on. Makes me wonder if she pushed for something more open (i.e. meet the kids, etc), then would H balk? I’m thinking her asking to go to see his mom is her inserting herself more into his life. I wonder if he sees that? Well, I guess this is part of the “time will give answers”.

But, do I want to wait to be chosen as 2nd best option? Would it be at this point if he said he wanted to try to R?

Too many questions.

I’m getting impatient for answers.

Maye I’ll never get them.

I want to get to the point where I’m o.k. with that.

Not there yet.