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#2853874 06/21/19 03:53 AM
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I was here years ago after my first husband cheated on me for a year and a half and I finally figured it out. Once I found out the marriage was over. There was no chance of saving it. I thought I was going to kill myself. It was a very dark time for me but I found myself again and like a phoenix rising from the ashes I felt reborn and found a new lease on life. I was happy and started dating and GAL!!!!. I was able to keep my home and a stable environment for my daughter (she was 2 at that time). I felt so happy and independent. It was amazing. Then I met the man whom I am currently with. It was fantastic in the beginning. He is older and I guess it was attractive to me. He seemed to have his [censored] together. He too had been through a rough ride. He lost his son at birth and his marriage of 9yrs was unable to survive that loss. He still had a friendly relationship with his ex. I saw no red flags with him. Our sex life was healthy and we had fun together. He was great with my daughter and he seemed to love being around us both. He did things to make my daughter feel comfortable. Eventually when I would stay over at his place on weekends she would come to and he set up his spare room with Dora sheets and blanket and bought some things so that she would feel comfortable. 5mo into the relationship I became pregnant. It was not a happy surprise for me. I felt ashamed and stupid and I wanted to terminate the pregnancy. He did a lot of trying to convince me to go through with it. I was afraid that the relationship was too new and though he may feel happy now, that it could change. I went through it once with my first marriage and I didn’t want to go through it a second time. He said he would respect what ever decision I made but did say it would be difficult to continue a relationship if I decided to terminate. Given his history and the fact that he lost his chance at a family with the death of his son I didn’t think I could live with myself if I made a conscious choice to not have the baby. I had always wanted 2 children and I thought I had lost that chance with the failure of my first marriage. Needless to say I took a leap of faith and went ahead with the pregnancy. I gave birth to the most amazing little boy. He healed me, my family who were still broken from the heart break of my first marriage, my new partner-who now had the son that he was denied before, my daughter who now had a brother. My son is the most loving, sensitive child and so happy. I smile just to think of him. Life was great. H made all kinds of promises that he would still be attracted to me and our sex life would not suffer-I had many discussions with him because I had fear about it due to my previous relationship. Sex definitely dwindled during the pregnancy and I blame myself for that. I was tired and didn’t feel very desirable. After my son it was still a struggle but not on my part. There was a shift with my partner. He changed. He felt uncomfortable and worried about kids coming in. He became tired all the time and never initiated anything. In the beginning if I addressed it he would say he would try and at times things did get a little better but they would slowly decline back. When I had my son H moved in with me into my home and he sold his home. His finances were not great and so selling was his best option. My house was small and eventually he ended up switching jobs and started an IT job that was completely remote and was working from home. We did not have a proper office in the house and it became a huge issue. He convinced me that we needed to move so I eventually agreed and sold my home and bought our current house. I paid the down payment completely on my own from the sale of my house and some of my savings. He was in debt when we got together which was why he ended up selling his house and this allowed him to clear his debt but left nothing to contribute to the new home. It was a rough few years for me financially. I also got into problems with CRA because of having a child with my partner and my accountant not knowing that the rule is if you have a child you must declare common law status immediately instead of the 1yr wait period. I found myself swimming in tax bills and the government clawing back money that was given initially based on a single status. It was frustrating because it was all on me and he didn’t provide any help in this regard. He was totally supportive in the home and paid for things that needed to be fixed or get done so I don’t want to paint a negative picture but these were big stresses on me and perhaps I felt some resentment that I was constantly being affected and felt pressured by him to have to change. If we had arguments he would constantly bring up all the things that I hadn’t done as the reasons for his behaviour. When our son was born I was separated from my first marriage but not actually divorced. The separation was so difficult that when I finally got it finalized and signed by my ex I was done-mentally and financially. When my lawyer said I still had to get the actual divorce and what she would charge to do it vs. what it would cost for me to file with the court myself I decided to go cheap and just do it myself. I got lazy! I had worked so hard to get the separation signed and by my ex out of our home that I just couldn’t face any more. So H would constantly use it against me. I got the divorce done but it didn’t change anything. He would just find something else to use as an excuse. It then became the house and that he was living in the house I bought with my ex. So I sold the house. New house-I hoped it would solve the space issues and give H something that was ours and it would bring us together. No. Sex continued to suffer. Now the issues are he works from home so he never leaves the 4 walls and I can’t understand it because I get to leave everyday and go to work. He has to pick up the kids after school and that is a problem but if I suggest we put them in an after school program he doesn’t want to do that because then they are away from home for too many hours and doesn’t want to spend the money. He hates his job but can’t change jobs because he keeps changing jobs and never stays in a job for more than 5yrs so can’t get past 3wks vacation. Also his age is now apparently a factor so he feels stuck. He also doesn’t want to commute because that would be too much stress so even though he is miserable working from home he will do nothing to change it or make it better. He has stopped any activity that he previously did. When we met he used to play baseball and hockey. He has done neither now in at least 4 yrs.

So the worst part is that it has now been 1yr and 1mo since the last time we had sex. And the last time we had sex was on the very last day of our vacation to Hawaii, which I booked in hopes that it would somehow make things better. We went as a family though so I wasn’t expecting miracles with children in our hotel room. I know it was pity sex though. He probably felt bad that we hadn’t the whole vacation so felt guilty. It’s mean I shouldn’t say that but I am so frustrated. I feel like I am a good person and I gave all of myself to him and sacrificed and this is what I get. He loves our son to bits and has affection for him but will not ever give me one ounce of attention or affection. When he first moved in he would always kiss me goodbye in the morning and kiss and hug when he would get home or when I would get home but over time it has all just dwindled away. If we do kiss it is me giving him a kiss-i get nothing back and he usually turns his face away so I kiss his cheek. We have not had a passionate kiss in 5-6yrs.

It’s like I am dead to him. I am not over weight. I go to the gym. I care about my appearance and I do GAL because I was here once before. The fact that I am here again is sickening. I feel like a failure.

We argue constantly. He is horrible to my daughter now because our son is number 1. My son and daughter get along well but they are kids. They argue from time to time and my daughter is a mother hen. She watches out for her brother but she also will try to parent when she shouldn’t be. It’s an issue but H gets crazy and yells at her constantly. I feel I need to defend her because I feel he is too hard on her and he is doing it because he is defending his son against her. He struggles with not being her father and feeling she is not his kid. I know he doesn’t know how to be her step parent. We aren’t married and so we don’t even refer to each other as husband and wife and maybe this is a problem too.

We argued again this morning after my kids were arguing about buying a snack at the school tuck shop. I was letting them try to work it out and they weren’t so eventually I got angry and yelled at them but that ended in H coming down from his office and getting involved and then blaming my daughter and she started yelling and getting upset and it was just an ugly mess to start the day. I came back home after dropping the kids at school and he announced he was done. He feels we don’t have the same approach to parenting and we don’t agree on most things and he just doesn’t like me at all. He wants to be away from all of it. He has no friends anymore and even though it is not my fault it is because I make him feel guilty if he goes out so he can’t be bothered to go out. He is a musician (that was his passion) and he has told his band mates that he won’t gig anymore because they don’t have time to practice and it is too much work to gig and too stressful when they have no time to practice. He says he won’t practice on his own (he has a music room in our new house) because he feels guilty to go down to the music room in the evenings because he feels like he needs spend time with me. It’s bullshit. I never bother him if he wants to play. I also do not keep any tabs on him when he goes out. I never send a txt. He went out last week and came home at 2am. I didn’t say anything to him. But he apparently was watching his phone and clock the entire time. I am trying not to call bullshit on him but it is pretty hard and I have self respect and refuse to let any man do to me what my first husband did so it’s tough for me to acknowledge his complaints and let it go as if I am suffocating him and doing these things. I do have a problem with arguments not coming to a resolution and when he tells me to stop talking and leave him alone it’s impossible for me to do so. I am trying but it’s super tough. I don’t know how we can come to resolution if we don’t talk and have a plan to fix things.

I can’t live like this. I am patient but it’s over a year of a loveless, sexless relationship. We are room mates staying together for the sake of our children and finances I guess.

I am sorry for the novel and I have jumped all over the place. Not sure what I am wanting from this but I guess just trying to pass the time and trying to stay out of his face.


M=42
H=51
Common-law 6yr
Children: 11yr old daughter (previous marrIage) 6yr old son
Bomb dropped January 2013
botanygirl #2853891 06/21/19 12:54 PM
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Wow botanygirl, I read all of that. I am so sorry you are back here. However, I think I picked up on some things that can potentially help, or at least provide insight. I also like to use sitches as cautionary tales for other posters.

First, I do not feel you did the work to get out of your first marriage. You call it "lazy". I call it moving on to a new relationship too quickly. I am a firm believer that people need to earn their way out of relationship. That includes seeing it through to the end BEFORE starting a new relationship. The reason that is so important is so that you do not carry emotional baggage into the a new relationship. And look at your post above. New "H" holding the fact you aren't D'd until it was final, over your head. You having problems with arguments, driving to resolution, not understanding when to let it go when he's had enough. I am going to guess that those were dynamics at play in your previous relationship.

Second, as far as him. It sounds like he has a fair amount or resentment of you getting pregnant. I know it wasn't planned by you but he still feels trapped by the fact that 5 months in, he now felt an obligation. I applaud you for the decision to have your son, as I feel that is always the right decision, but that doesn't mean you have to follow that up with cohabitation or marriage (even common law), etc. I assume you are successfully coparenting with your EX related to your daughter. You could have done the same with a man you only knew for 5 months as well.

Third, #2 aside, he has a lot of issues. He sounds depressed. He sounds angry. He sounds like he has fallen into the trap of loving another man's child......until he had his own. Whether we like it or not, there is a huge difference between steps and blood children, especially to men. It is a very rare man that can fairly love both his step children and own children in the same way.

BG, I think you can look back and realize that you've made mistake on top of mistake. However, you can't change that. What you can do is start doing the right things from this point forward.

And you've been down the DB road before so you know that you need to GAL. No excuses. "I have kids." "I don't have a lot of extra money." Etc. Get out and GAL.

Detach. You know the drill. Think water off a duck's back. Do not react emotionally to his words (especially!) or actions.

And 180. Stop losing it and yelling at the kids. Stop not stopping when he's said he has had enough. Learn how to disagree in a non-confrontational way (like giving him some time before approaching the issue after the heat of the moment has passed). Figure out what you can do better, and do it.

I do think he has some work to do. He needs to be in IC. (I would recommend that for you too!) He has a lot to work through but that is for him to realize, not you.

If he brings up being done again, I would highly suggest calmly saying to him "Ok. When are you moving out?"


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
botanygirl #2853895 06/21/19 01:07 PM
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BG, I was actually expecting you to be the one to BD after all that! Was really surprised that he did. What are your feelings on all this, it sounds like you haven't been happy in the R for quite some time, is that the case?

Are you hoping to save the M? If so then you probably already know what to do since you were here before- detach, leave him be, drop all pressure, continue to get out and GAL. It sounds to me like he is going through something heavy, maybe MLC. If you're able to give him a lot of time and space then he will start to realize that YOU are not the problem, HE is.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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AS,

Yes I have been sad for a long time. We have moments where it is pretty good and I think things are going to get better but then it just goes right back to being miserable. I didn’t really express that I have done a lot of work after my first marriage fell apart. I went to councilling weekly in the beginning and then q 2wks for years. In fact it has only been this past year that I stopped going and the only reason I stopped going was because we all went to see a counselor as a family to try to deal with the issues my daughter was having. When I brought it up to him I was shocked that he agreed to go so I pounced on it. The lead up to the appointment he kept saying “you watch-the counselor will say it is all about me”. I tried to massage it and said we all played a part in the dysfunction but secretly I knew he was a big part of the problem.

So when we went, the counselor immediately felt he needed 3 sessions with H alone or I could come along if H wanted. I went with him to his first session. It was crazy to me that he couldn’t actually tell the counselor some of the scenarios. I don’t even remember what the issue was at the time but it would have been examples of incidences between him and my D. He was either so ashamed or I am not sure what exactly but in that session he actually asked for me to retell the story because he couldn’t actually say it himself. He then went on to the next 2 sessions alone. He wouldn’t allow me to come with him.

The second session he almost refused to go and I told him if he was going to cancel 1hr before the session that was fine but we would be paying the councilor in full because you can’t cancel with that short notice. He did end up going but was in a panicked state before and almost having a tantrum before.

The last session he attended he didn’t create such a fight before but I could see his anxiety about going. And then when he came home he couldn’t stop talking about how great it was and how he felt he was just getting started and didn’t want to leave when the hour was up. I thought we had made a break through but then he didn’t book any more sessions and the counselor never gave any instruction as to what was to happen next (or at least that is what I was told) and it was Xmas by this point so it kind of got dropped. I tried to bring up going back a couple of times but my H didn’t give a positive response at all so I just didn’t want to push anymore.

I should have gone back to my IC but I had been going for 7 yrs by this point and I just felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere but I guess given that things have definitely escalated and gotten worse in this last year and I haven’t been to IC at all in this last year there may be a correlation there. I know the relationship is far from over. He has no intention of leaving or breaking up our family. We have both been through it once before so I don’t think either one of us wants to give up but I am struggling to sit in a relationship where I get nothing out of it other than someone to share expenses with and share in the caregiving of our children. I need to feel loved and I need to be in a sexual relationship again. My first marriage failed because of infidelity. My Ex was basically living a double life for a year and a half. It was the most horrible deceitful thing I have ever had to go through. After I posted last night I went into my profile and realized all my posts from 2010 were still there. I had forgotten all that I had gone through with him. When I was posting at that time I still didn’t know for sure he was having an affair but discovered it during my time on here. It was scary to go back and read. It almost feels like reading someone else’s post but it was me.

Honestly I really don’t see what I did wrong in my first relationship other than the fact that he was my high school sweet heart and we had only ever been with each other. We had one short break up in our early 20’s for about 5 months but then got back together and eventually married. We never fought, always got along. It wasn’t until he was having the affair that things got ugly. And once I discovered what was really going on he told me he didn’t love me anymore and that he had given me 18yrs and that was enough. I had no choice but to end it because I couldn’t live in a marriage where he was with another woman. He had no intention to stop being with her and there was no way I was going to try to fight to be with someone who didn’t want to be with me. I know if I had gotten him to somehow stay I would have likely cheated out of anger and resentment. So I ended it.


M=42
H=51
Common-law 6yr
Children: 11yr old daughter (previous marrIage) 6yr old son
Bomb dropped January 2013
botanygirl #2854047 06/22/19 06:49 AM
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Originally Posted by "AnotherStander"
BG, I was actually expecting you to be the one to BD after all that!

Ditto!

botanygirl, so sorry you're going through this.. again.

Originally Posted by "botanygirl"
he announced he was done. He feels we don’t have the same approach to parenting and we don’t agree on most things and he just doesn’t like me at all. He wants to be away from all of it.


Originally Posted by "botanygirl"
He has no intention of leaving or breaking up our family. We have both been through it once before so I don’t think either one of us wants to give up


I'm trying to reconcile these two statements. Is he done, or are you about done?

Originally Posted by "botanygirl"
I tried to massage it and said we all played a part in the dysfunction but secretly I knew he was a big part of the problem.


That's what is unfair about fixing a relationship to me, too. I feel, and my therapist feels, my "partner" has a huge role in why she and I argue. But ultimately, if I want her and I to get better, I have to do the self work. There would be nothing wrong with saying, "No, I'll look for a partner who's equally committed".

I agree you deserve to be feel loved and fulfilled, too. May you find that!

Last edited by CWarrior; 06/22/19 06:50 AM.
Traveler #2854991 06/28/19 02:17 AM
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He will announce he is done and in many ways he is completely checked out when it comes to our relationship but he won’t physically leave because of our children and I suspect for financial reasons. We actually had a descent week this past week. No arguing or major blow-ups but just now another argument that to me seemed from out of no where. Well not out of no where. I somehow lost my house key this week. It must have fallen off of my key chain-which I have no idea how that happened-but tonight I couldn’t unlock the front door because of not having a key so he was making fun of me and said something about locking me out of the house-and I had put up with that the whole evening of just being made fun of. He behaves as though he is being funny and just having a laugh but I see it as being cruel and he never has anything nice to say to me. If I address the behaviour I am being “grumpy”. So I kind of pushed back by going in through the garage and pushing the door closed in his face-he pushed back physically on the door and I went sailing. Our kids are with us and witnessing all of this. I just ignored it and laughed it off and then he keeps calling me grumpy so I say to him-I am not grumpy just tired of him never being nice to me and constantly making fun of me. Well this was the wrong thing to say. He started yelling at me about how irresponsible I am for losing a key and then not replacing it right away. And then tells me to [censored] off and stop being a cry baby. So I just walked away and put our son to bed.

I know I don’t deserve this and I know he is being abusive. I keep hoping he will change but it won’t. I just don’t know what to do.


M=42
H=51
Common-law 6yr
Children: 11yr old daughter (previous marrIage) 6yr old son
Bomb dropped January 2013
botanygirl #2854995 06/28/19 03:03 AM
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Botany Girl, wow, it must feel terrible having a "partner" who treats you that way. There's no excuse. You handled it well. I wonder what keeps you hanging on to this person.


Last edited by CWarrior; 06/28/19 03:08 AM.

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