First post-time poster here. Quick background: Wife of nine years dropped the bomb six weeks ago. We started counseling about a year ago where I came clean about my infidelity. Changed from a road warrior job to a local job (same company as her) 10 weeks ago. Says she can't trust me and that I always put my needs first. We have a three year old. We were seeing a therapist for that year who wasn't pro-marriage and just switched but after BD (discernment session was a bust). He recommended DR and "Should I try to work it out". I'm following the general advice but not seeing differences. The reasons I'm posting are twofold:
[list] [*]Moral support [*]GAL advice
The former is straightforward but the latter is more complex. Given that I hid my infidelity from her for two years she is rightfully untrusting of me. I don't want to compound matters having her think that I'm with someone else so that suggests that my GAL activities should not be drinking-related but I don't want to look like I'm putting on a show for her (e.g. taking an art class, going to yoga). Any advice?
Other details: we are living in the same house but I'm staying in the guest room. She's looking at apartments and houses and we've met twice with a mediator. The realtor is taking pictures of our house this Thursday. So, this feels very close to the end. I will also say that, when she dropped the bomb, I thought that things were meh but getting better with my return so, while it is not a huge surprise given our history, it caught me completely offguard. I did not follow the DR guidance (I begged, pleaded, wrote a letter, etc.) but no anger. That has all been stopped.
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks, Cadet. Any specific GAL suggestions considering that she doesn't trust me? I don't want her thinking that I'm with someone else. I'm also worried that my non-risky GAL options would be read as manipulative.
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
First off, sorry you are here. I've gone through the anger, letters, begging and pleading phases as well. Stopping that behavior is a good first step.
GAL can be little things. Read a book, go for a walk, do little things that you enjoy doing. That's all it is. It doesn't have to a big showy thing. GAL is not to show your W anything. It's to work on yourself.
sorry to hear you are hear. We spend half of time here complaining about cheaters, and the other half crying over them. It takes guts to come here and I hope you can contribute your unique perspective to help others.
My advice would be to be as open as possible, but only when she asks for it. Don't apply pressure, but rather understanding. She is most likely in a state of pain and confusion. Become the calm person. Try to think instead of responding, make sure you look at her and ask questions and let her know you are listening.
I'd suggest not bringing up counseling for the time being, seeing as she is telling you/showing you that she doesn't want to work on things. Plus, I think marriage counseling just doesn't work too well for everyone. It's high pressure, it's asking a 3rd party to get involved, there's a lot of potential negatives.
For GAL, you need to do to keep your head on straight, obviously keep it clean and if she asks then let her know where you're going. Are you seeing an IC to discuss the issues surrounding your infidelity?
Has she specifically mentioned divorce?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Oh and brace for the long haul. 6 weeks is not a lot of time, you're just getting started on the DB. Sorry to say that I just don't want to give you huge expectations.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Put all your needs on hold. Make it all about her needs.
Quote
We have a three year old.
Your child will keep you interacting. Time will be your friend.
As for GAL, Go do things with your child. Go to playground and dig in the dirt. Push on the swings. Swimming lessons. Do things at home, like woodworking, gardening, build a hot-rod in the garage.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
