Recently I have been thinking about why I am standing for my M, and what that means. I decided to see my therapist this week to help me sort it out, and to just reconnect in case I feel the need for more focused help in the future, depending upon how events unfold. Historically, with boyfriends of long ago and other situations, I tend to drag out the inevitable because I wasn’t able to face the difficult decision. I waited until something happened to make the decision for me. I think about whether I am doing this now. I don’t think so.
I believe the last 8 months have been productive for me, and I realize I am strong enough to make whatever decisions are right for me and face the results. So, I don’t think I am just avoiding making a decision to put an end to limbo.
Which brings me to the question. Am I in limbo? Answer = no. My M might be in limbo, but I am not. I am content in my forward movement. I have so many people noticing where I am now. More people seem to be drawn to me. Some just to hang out, others are going through their own issues and I seem to be able to offer the compassion and advice they need at the moment.
So back to my therapist. One question she asked me was “Do you think you could ever trust H again, as a wife should be able to trust a H?” The answer was not immediately “No”. I thought about it for a while. Decided it would depend on whether H, if he wanted to try to R, did the hard work, and whether trust could be found again through the R process. Even if H did the work, even if WE did the work, it’s not a guarantee I could trust again. I don’t know if it’s possible to fully trust H again. So, that’s not a deciding factor in choosing the Stand right now.
Something my T said I thought was great. Replace “I should” with “I am willing to…” This makes a lot of sense, because it shifted my thinking to what other’s think I should do to what I think is right for ME to do at the moment.
DnJ, I even told my T about you, how you will quote me, and change one or two words to give me a whole new perspective, and how helpful that is.
So, bottom line is, I think I’m standing for the right reasons for me now. Might change as events unfold, but for now, I’m satisfied I’m making the right decision.
As I posted last week, H and I had a good conversation, and he followed up with a text message that made me think the log is not so dense. He said he wasn’t going to be by this weekend. He messaged yesterday and said he was coming over around 3:30 after work to pick up the mail and we (H, me, and D19) could have an early dinner if I wanted to. So I texted back “sure”. (Although not right away!!)
We pleasantly chatted for about an hour while D19 was napping (she loves her bed!). No R talk at all. Had a nice sushi dinner, then he went on his way. He commented on the top I had on. And, he didn’t take his phone out at all the whole time. That is a huge change for him.
Perhaps something is happening to him. Hmmm. That’s about all the thinking I will do about it. Detachment isn’t complete, but it’s certainly come a long way.!
Am I in limbo? Answer = no. My M might be in limbo, but I am not.
What an excellent perspective. You are not defined by your marriage. You are you.
Originally Posted by Grace21
More people seem to be drawn to me. Some just to hang out, others are going through their own issues and I seem to be able to offer the compassion and advice they need at the moment.
This is really wonderful to see. If I recall, your profession is nursing, and you being you, probably make one pretty good nurse.
Originally Posted by Grace21
DnJ, I even told my T about you, how you will quote me, and change one or two words to give me a whole new perspective, and how helpful that is.
Thank you Grace.
By the way, at first I missed typing the word “good” in the sentence about being a nurse. Now, that would have given a whole new perspective. lol.
Doing really well Grace. Indeed - Life is good.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Happy Father’s Day to all you stand up dad’s out there! I admire all of you who are holding down the fort during your crisis, and being present for your kids. You guys rock!
I’ve been thinking quite a bit about my H as a father throughout the years. In hindsight, I don’t think he really had the tools to be an emotionally present dad. Heck, he wasn’t really emotionally present for me either for so many years. He had terrible role models. H went out to lunch with D19 yesterday. S21 is at school, so they will “celebrate” Father’s day next week. He sent me such a nice note for Mother’s Day, I feel almost guilty for not sending him a note. Maybe I’ll just do a quick text “Happy Father’s Day”. I haven’t decided yet. I can’t say things I don’t believe are true. He seemed better yesterday. I didn’t see him more than 5 minutes or so, but he didn’t seem so depressed. He said a few critical things about how I’m trimming the bushes, but I just let it go. I wanted to say “what do you care? You don’t live here?” He said he’d come next week to do it.
I find that I’m patient maybe 75% of the time as far as letting things unfold while I move forward. But lately I’ve been quite impatient. No sure what is bringing that on. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Part of the process and all that. I’m angry too that H is not capable of dealing with “us”. With making a decision of what he wants to do. I want to confront him about it, and say “pick a path that will lead you to how you want to live the rest of your life between now and dead, then do what is takes to make that happen”. But so far I’ve refrained and am just pleasant. I know it won’t do any good. I still think about him and OW – not a lot, but thoughts about whether they are together at that moment, or whether she is pressing him for a lot more. Tells me I have a lot more work to do on detachment.
I’m under the weather a bit this weekend. Just a fever. Nothing else. But, I feel draggy. It’s raining a lot, too. Maybe that is affecting my mood.
But, I’ve got my baby here for the summer, and she is a joy to have around! I’m thankful for it.
Glad to hear you have some company for the summer Grace. Sorry you are still struggling with this but you have shown incredible strength and calm throughout your sitch so I know you will be okay...regardless of what happens. At some point, you may run out of patience but as DnJ says, today is not the day. You will know when that changes. (((HUGS)))
Hallo, Grace -- I don't think being detached means that you stop feeling conflicted feelings, loneliness, even moments of love and longing for your H -- and of course jealousy will always rear its lovely yellow-green head! I have gone many times to a priest to confess the murderous thoughts I have had about the OW and about the guy who is paying for my H's lawyer. And now the thoughts I have about MIL ain't so pretty either. (Though those mostly just hurt.)
Detached means that you don't collapse anymore, that you trust that you will keep walking. Remember the early days, when you couldn't move? In my early days I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day.
I think to become so detached that you stop feeling the feelings of a loving heart of flesh, you would have to cultivate a heart of stone.
Being detached, when you have those painful feelings coming on, you can have the strength and courage to bring them to God.
You are doing amazingly.
I would also caution you against allowing your H to rewrite history so much that you start questioning your entire past with him. I am sure he was deeply flawed, my H was too, and there were seeds of this, of course. But you don't have to doubt your entire life with him either.
E.g., Philippians 4:8.
Love to you, my friend.
Last edited by Gerda; 06/16/1910:55 PM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Thank you Gerda for sharing your perspective. It has brought some clarity.
Originally Posted by Gerda
I would also caution you against allowing your H to rewrite history so much that you start questioning your entire past with him. I am sure he was deeply flawed, my H was too, and there were seeds of this, of course. But you don't have to doubt your entire life with him either.
I went through a period where I did this regularly. Convinced that our whole M was a farce. But recently, I've had strong images of H and I being great companions. We were in a lot of ways throughout the years. I wouldn't want to go back to our old pattern, but after 28 years of marriage, and at our age, that easy companionship was what I was looking forward to. I still believe we can have it, which surprises me. Maybe God is speaking to me. I'm trying to be quiet and listen. I even put on my wedding rings today for a while. I have no idea why it occurred to me to do so after having them off for over 2 months. Maybe it was my thoughts of something good in my M. Your reminder of Philippians 4:8 is quite timely!
Today I took comfort in Matthew 11:28-30.
"28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
It was mentioned in today's sermon, which I watched on-line since I'm home sick. I love how these things pop up at the most needed times!
I don't know if you realize how far you've come, Grace, but I've been trying to catch up on your sitch and it's remarkable!
Intrusive thoughts are the worst!! Sometimes I don't know where thy come from, but I'm sure it's the enemy for the most part. My T taught me how to get out of my feelings by tossing a tennis ball back and forth from one hand to the next. It works for me! Something to do with the brain chemistry, as a pretty nurse I'm sure you understand ; )
Glad to see your faith growing and you leaning into God during this difficult season. I'm not surprised people are drawn to you. You've got hope from the one who overcame the world.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Thanks for stopping by 97Hope, for the kind and encouraging words, and for reminding me that I have, indeed, come a long way. On my way to work, I sometimes listen to a christian radio station that has sermons from a local pastor. Today ts was about how satan puts thoughts in our mind to make us think we are not redeemed and justified by God, even though we know we are. Satan is on the constant attack, and I need to remain vigilant. I'm thankful my faith journey has given me the tools to do this.
Something I’ve been thinking about. I’d appreciate anyone who might have insights into possible answers. I know I will not know the answer for sure, but just questioning a few things.
After months, why would my H keep going month to month in temporary housing and leave all the finances in tact. He still only takes out his rent and $1,000 for everything else. The rest of his paycheck (and he makes 3x what I do) goes into our joint account like it always has for 28 years. Never once questioned me about the money in it. I continue to spend what I want (but I’m very responsible and he knows it), and pay the house bills. He had to charge something for $200 this week on our joint CC, and he advised me prior to doing it via text message. It seems so weird to me. After all these months, you’d think there would be movement toward a decision of some sort. At least an apartment.
I also read that most MLC spouses seem to spend crazy, flaunt their OW. I think my H would die of embarrassment if it came out publicly he was seeing OW. On the first go around in Jan 2018, he even said that if it got out he had an affair with her, we would have to move. Really? And this is the person he (I assume) is still with? Well, he may be all over the place with her. Who knows?
Obviously, I’m still not detached completely since these questions focus on H, and they are questions for which I will have no answer. But, although they have been on my mind this week, I’m not consumed by them. I’ve also had thoughts of wanting to end it, but then I stop myself and realize there is no need. I’m continuing to grow and move forward. No reason since my life(style) hasn’t changed much and I’m moving in a forward direction. A good reason to call it quits would be because our sitch is holding me back, and it’s not. For now.
I wonder if H is just too weak or scared to file for D. Or, maybe he wants to attempt to R, but doesn’t know how to begin. When we were dating, we broke up for a whole year, and saw each other from time-to-time as just friends. We both dated, and he told me that he always compared the woman he dated to me. And I always came out on top.
Well, this time around I’m not waiting in the wings. I’ve come too far. Time will bring answers.
DnJ – I originally wrote “Time will hopefully bring answers”, but removed “hopefully”. I’m learning.
This time around I’m using my time wisely.
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Just a quick GAL update. One of my 2019 goals is to do more activities outdoors. Today I went on a 27 mile bike ride with a girlfriend. First time. Loved it! Nice trail around here. In accordance with my Faith journey, tomorrow I am going to become a member at the church I have been attending since October. I never became a member at other churches I've attended throughout the years, in spite of how involved I was, but I'm glad I've decided to join this one.
I recently made a bit of progress on another 2019 goal - closet cleaning. I've been reorganizing H's side of the closet a bit and have taken over most of his drawers. He will be surprised to see at least one thing missing. Let's just say it's a medication. And I completely cleaned out the Master bath. It's amazing what gets shoved in the back of cabinets.
In spite of my bike ride, I've got some energy left. Maybe I'll make some bread today.
