Making the best of the mess.

[97Hope]

Previous Thread

[97Hope]

Job,

I was unable to send you a message but I would like to know how to drop a link in my old thread to this one. I went over the 100 posts and too late to edit a post and add this link. Thanks!

[CanBird]

Previous Thread

Hi 97Hope. I just read your previous link/thread (only the first & last) and it felt like I was reading my own story! This is me 2, (minus the bit you wrote about faults/violations). Ages are the same.

If I had more time, I'd read all your posts, but I've got a 3 year old and she keeps me busy. My H is away at work until November. He too started drinking a lot more than usual. A six pack a day or more. I just excepted it. He wasn't drinking and driving. Beers at the end of the day, after hours and hours of renovations, that went on during his 6 months off work. (He just came off working 6 months at sea). The renovations we're on our property. What happened with your H and drinking? (I didn't read all your previous links, sorry)

Bravo to you and how you handled the work situation!

[97Hope]

Hi Canbird!

Funny I was just commenting on AlisonUK's post about this very thing.

H moved out Feb1. I realized that worrying about his drinking was affecting me more than him, so I kept my mouth and opinions to myself.

I ended up having to tell our youngest S17 that he was not to get into the vehicle with H if he had alcohol in the car because H thought it was ok to drive and drink "just beer". I tried to talk to H first about it and it was a nightmare.

Beyond driving with S in car, I completely ignored it.

Weeks/months (not sure which) later, H started commenting about his own drinking. Telling me he stopped crying a cooler in the back of his truck, and that he didn't have beer at work for after hours etc. I believe none of what he says and 1/2 of what I see. Told him that was probably for the best, and let it go. His issue. Not mine. I have plenty of my own issues to be getting on with!

We still share a checking account, so I see the trips to the liquor store, but I only notice it and move right on. I don't mention it and I don't think beyond seeing it.

He could be drinking himself into a stupor every night for all I know, but I just don't go there.

I know it's hard, but focus on YOU. You will sleep better for it. ; )

[dillydaf]

Funnily enough, my H was telling me he's planning a couple of nights off alcohol this week (probably because he's seeing his brother Monday and they usually have a huge binge, probably also because he has a huge work thing on this week and needs to think straight). I've stopped commenting on H's drinking, I know it's excessive and damaging his health and his happiness, but there's no point in me saying anything because it is counterproductive. They have to deal with this stuff themselves. I just said that was very restrained of him.
Hope: I love your new assertiveness and confidence, it's lovely to see. You have PMA in spades and I can see how much stronger you are

[97Hope]

I love that "very restrained of you", made me chuckle. I said something like, "Good news! Onward and upward!" and he said he still drinks too much. Our son was in the car when he was taking about it, so I tried to keep it light, but jeez. To brag about not keeping a cooler in the back and not drinking at work really shed a light on how out there he is.

I mostly have PMA. Leaving that job helped. It was good to have boundaries and I think it was an exercise in knowing my limits and exercising them. With H you know how hard that is! But things have progressed to a point where I know deep down that if this doesn't work out, I am probably better off. Still a little scary, but hopeful for a better future.

Next stop, not taking any more garbage from H. Haven't texted/called him and honestly don't want to. I want to tell all the newcomers that you WILL not obsess over this if you focus on yourself and redirect your thoughts. I don't think about him until I come on here or something reminds me, but then I limit my time to thinking on that and switch to what's good for me. Today that is going through my clothes and doing a clear out so I can make room for new beginnings.

[dillydaf]

Yeah, not drinking in the car or at work is not progress, it's slightly less alcoholism-like behaviour. And employers are probably like Hs in that they will treat you as badly as you will tolerate...I'm glad you know your self-worth, and not having that huge commute will be great too!

Here's to new beginnings

[97Hope]

This has been a process!! It's amazing how much more aware of the BS I was accepting!!

Cheers to new beginnings!!

[97Hope]

Journaling,
Well...apparently he's making chocolate chip pancakes for someone.

I don't have proof of who it is. Not sure I want to know at this point. After 2 years of DBing, today I'm ready to go to L and go ahead and file myself.

We have been through affairs in the past. That was something I would not do again.

I'll see how I'm feeling tomorrow. Right now, it's not even surprising. Disappointing for sure. So glad for these past few weeks of feeling more confident.

If you pray, please pray for me. Wisdom. Right now I"m staying dark, so there is time to figure out if/when confrontation happens.

A part of me just wants to file and not say anything until his L calls him and lets him know (they don't serve anymore)...and when he asks just say something along the lines of "chocolate chip pancakes" lol.
Honestly, I would have stood for this marriage while he's on his 'journey' but given our past, and where I am, that can not include another woman.

I'll see how I feel about it later. Going to go ahead and buy that lipstick just now.

[AlisonUK]

Hope you're okay 97Hope. You've sounded so upbeat and strong in your recent posts, and this has obviously been a big blow to you. Do you know for sure another woman is involved, or is your mind running away with you? Hugs.