Wife is having an affair and wants to separate -2

[97Hope]

Wife messages today saying "Daughter's birthday is in early August. Need to start planning in case you want to throw a party and invite people".

maybe something like "I have plans to take D xday-xday to celebrate, but if you would like to have dinner with us on her birthday, we can work something out"

I am not a vet to this forum, but I have been DBing for 2 years. Not always successfully, and have needed 2x4's on detachment more often than not.

From what you said, you know what you want to do, but you are trying to accommodate a WAW. I would say as long as she is having an A, you are not obligated to do anything for her. She might be used to letting you know what you need to do, but right now, you are in control of what you do/don't do (i.e. throw a party etc) if you WANT to go eat with her and your D, do so. If you don't, offer to let her have the birthday evening just the two of them, and then take the 2 days and celebrate just you and D.

[AnotherStander]

Wife messages today saying "Daughter's birthday is in early August. Need to start planning in case you want to throw a party and invite people".

maybe something like "I have plans to take D xday-xday to celebrate, but if you would like to have dinner with us on her birthday, we can work something out"

Yeah that's along the lines of what I was going to suggest. Michele says it's OK to invite the WAS along in something that you are doing as long as it's clear you are going to do it whether she comes along or not. So it's taboo to invite her on a date, but OK to invite her ALONG for an activity. You mentioned dinner with D and W and that you are planning two days at a waterpark with your D without W. My attitude about stuff like this is let your W know, even if she's not invited. Because if you're taking D away for two days then it's just the polite thing to do to inform her since she's a coparent. So I would suggest saying something like: "I'm not throwing a party, have already made plans to take D to a waterpark for a couple of days. We were going to have a birthday dinner the night before we leave, you are welcome to join us for dinner if you would like."

[neffer]

^^^^^^^This. No expectations Vik!

[Nik11]

Thank you guys for your suggestions.

Journaling:
Wife had informed me that she has some business meetings out of town this Friday and Monday, so she will be out on weekend as well. So had asked me if I could keep our D for the weekend. I know that this was all lie and trying to have opportunity to spend weekend with OM. Didn't bother much other than how a person for whom D was the most important has changed to an extent that she is willing to lose time with D to be with him. Saddens my heart.
Sometimes I wonder how broken from inside these OMs (in my csitch he is divorced) are as well that they don't realize what they are doing to someone's family and taking mothers away from their kids.
She didn't bother to even ask how D was doing.

She messaged me in the morning that I should take D to playcenter and she can play and have fun there. Not sure what was the need to do that. I just replied saying "Have other plans".
I took my D to state park and had a great time with her. Then took her for bike ride and made her favourite pasta for dinner.
Life is becoming a bit easier but that void of having a companion definitely pops up sometimes. GAL and detachment continues.
Communication is very minimal and just around D.

Seems like that we both (WW and I) are getting used to this new life which I and my D definitely did not want.

[MrBrside]

Sometimes I wonder how broken from inside these OMs (in my csitch he is divorced) are as well that they don't realize what they are doing to someone's family and taking mothers away from their kids.

It could be argued that your ex has told this guy a million lies about how unhappy she was / how you were actually over before they met etc ( maybe cohabiting for your D sake etc ) - I suspect a lot of lies were told to make him think he has a catch - an honest and loyal but unhappy lady - or he may not actually care.... More likey that the Sex / new relationship buzz are sending him to happy mode.. He probably hasnt given a 2nd thought to the damage and he probably doesn't care less about your D.. Yes i'm sure he is all happy / nicey nice around her, but in reality, he just wants to get your WW to bed..

This OM is probably oblivious to how your WW is ignoring / pushing your D onto you for their romantic weekends away.. Again, he probably wont care, because he doesnt care about your daughter... Or maybe he should see it, but again his head is in love land and he is igorning the signs.

Off topic, but relevant - I am a very rational and logical kinda guy. When i met my WW i saw some text messages to a engaged / married guy that she should never had sent and go against everything she portraid to be as a person. This was 3 months in to our relationship. They bothered me but i looked past them and forgot about them a day ot two later.. I never even raised it with her, even though she had lied.. But why ruin a good thing - good sex, good nights out, good times, butterflys... The characteristics that my WW had ( lies, secrecy, prepared to cheat with a taken guy etc ) were always there.. I just ignored them as my head was in love land.

You cant control it, you cant change it - so just enjoy quality time with your little girl - Make good memories..

And learn from the WW mistakes and become a better father from it...A good example is when you do move on, never do what she has done once your head gets filled with love and butterflys - D should always be number 1. !!! - When you start to date again - If your new partner has kids, - See how she is with them - if she pars them off to their Dad to be with you - RED FLAG - no thanks... find sombody else.. Use what you know to get it right next time

[Nik11]

Thanks Helpme for your comments.
I agree that there were signs of my WW as well, which I should not have ignored, Not that they were big ones, but I am sure that would have helped. I misread my wife for a lot of things she could do.

Anyways, today I got a message from WW that she is panning to buy x,y and z for D's birthday and she didn't know what i was buying for her, so she wanted to let me know.

I see this message as information message, thus I did not reply, though I was thinking that I could have replied "Thanks. I haven't decided yet".
What would be the best approach in this scenario. No message or what I typed above?

I have gone dark and detached to a good extent, but I am still not able to differentiate if I am being cold or being dark and detached.
Her complaints have been that i have been controlling, dominating and emotionally unavailable and thus she has lost self confidence and self esteem (though this comes a lot from her childhood ( I am to blame as well and would not shy away from responsibility). I didn't realize she was carrying such heavy emotional baggage from childhood. So everything I said magnified for her and for me these were regular things/fights that happened between husband and wife).

So my doing 180 would maybe look like being responsive to her thoughts and not ignoring her or being cold.But when I don't reply to messages or reply in one or two words, it feels like I am being cold.(though honestly, nowadays, I don't even feel like replying). So, I am still confused what would be best approach in my case in terms of going dark and detaching vs being cold.

I have another question (Just a thought that came to my mind):

As we say that with time we LBHs get used to being alone and by working on ourselves, we are able to live the new life and start enjoying that.
Isn't it the same for WW as well. She is also having this freedom now, free to be with OM anytime she wants, freedom to make choices that benefit her, freedom from the pain they believe we LBHs have given them (specially after separation)?
Don't they get used to this new life and think this is good life and there is no need to be back to the MR? or is it different for WWs.

[SteveS]

As we say that with time we LBHs get used to being alone and by working on ourselves, we are able to live the new life and start enjoying that.
Isn't it the same for WW as well. She is also having this freedom now, free to be with OM anytime she wants, freedom to make choices that benefit her, freedom from the pain they believe we LBHs have given them (specially after separation)?
Don't they get used to this new life and think this is good life and there is no need to be back to the MR? or is it different for WWs.

Hi Vik, I'm in the same boat as you, and have a lot of the same questions. It's tough, so please know you're not alone in your struggle and that others are rooting for you.

In my case, I'm telling myself that grass isn't always greener. What's new and exciting doesn't stay that way forever, and there's absolutely going to be days where WAW is going to pine for the stability, comfort, and shared life that you two had. My understanding - and it hasn't happened for me, yet - is that these things are more predictable than they seem, and your best shot at reconciliation is to let WAW come to those realizations herself, only to find an improved, confident, and independent man staring back at her.

[neffer]

Hey vik, you need to stick to DB. Any of those changes you are saying won´t help you at this moment. Go dark and answer kids related questions only.

I was a WWH. There´s no peace on the dark side. There´s a lot of instability. It´s about what brought us there. There´s guilt, sadness, a fantasy world developing from limerence, lies and deception. And you don´t have the calm needed to figure out who you are until the waves of life are over you. Then you get drowned...or you swim toward the coast.

That´s why time is so important. For all of us.

Use your time wisely Cadet says...

Keep DB vik.

[AnotherStander]

Anyways, today I got a message from WW that she is panning to buy x,y and z for D's birthday and she didn't know what i was buying for her, so she wanted to let me know.

I see this message as information message, thus I did not reply, though I was thinking that I could have replied "Thanks. I haven't decided yet".
What would be the best approach in this scenario. No message or what I typed above?

She's being polite and keeping you informed and it's coparent-related, so definitely send a reply such as "thanks, I'm still shopping for her but will make sure not to get those things." My XW and I do this on every birthday and Christmas to make sure we're not doubling up on gifts.

I have gone dark and detached to a good extent, but I am still not able to differentiate if I am being cold or being dark and detached.

Going dark does project to the WAS that you're being cold and indifferent. Going dark isn't really a marriage-saving technique, it's meant to help the LBS detach when they are having trouble with that. That said, sometimes it does give the WAS the time and space they need and helps them learn to miss the LBS.

Her complaints have been that i have been controlling, dominating and emotionally unavailable and thus she has lost self confidence and self esteem (though this comes a lot from her childhood ( I am to blame as well and would not shy away from responsibility). I didn't realize she was carrying such heavy emotional baggage from childhood. So everything I said magnified for her and for me these were regular things/fights that happened between husband and wife).

You're not wrong. A lot of this stuff IS the typical stuff that happens in a marriage. Men as a rule do control and dominate and are emotionally unavailable, that's just being a man. And women are fine with that, right up until they're not. And then they flip a switch and turn into a WAS and all that stuff that was just normal marital conflict that everyone has suddenly become insurmountable issues that supposedly ruined the marriage. So take it with a grain of salt. I have two different friends whose W's returned to them even though they made no changes at all. Both of them took the attitude of "if you don't like me anymore then there is the door". The women left, there was no contact, then both women decided they wanted to come back to the exact same situation they found so intolerable before. Now I'm not saying not to do 180's, it's a good time to make yourself a better person. But I am saying this is really more about the WAS's frame of mind then it is about anything you or I or other LBS's here did.

Isn't it the same for WW as well. She is also having this freedom now, free to be with OM anytime she wants, freedom to make choices that benefit her, freedom from the pain they believe we LBHs have given them (specially after separation)?
Don't they get used to this new life and think this is good life and there is no need to be back to the MR? or is it different for WWs.

They can, yes. That's why we say there are no guarantees. My XW seems quite content in her new life. There is no OM but she enjoys having her own place and traveling with friends and such. But by the time you get as far past BD as I have you won't care anymore. I am happy for her. She didn't think she was happy in the M and now she is, so good for her. I am happy too so it's all good. But, often they do end up wanting to come back. Only time will tell.

[Nik11]

Thank you all for your support and guidance. I wish I was here earlier and had applied all the techniques earlier just after BD.
Lost a lot of time and made all the text book mistakes for two months till I confronted. ( Now I feel I was not even acting like who I really am. Guess I was in shock and did all the begging, pleading, moving out of MBR and all household chores stuff. If I was me after BD, I would have done exactly what the forum members suggested. NOt sure why I acted like that.)
I so wish all newcomers come here as soon as they hit BD and make use of the best advice they get here.

Wife messaged yesterday that if I was open to idea of taking our D out on her birthday to zoo and have lunch or dinner together with her.
To that I replied "Okay, we can plan that". (Just want my D to have the best of her big day).

I am planning to tell her when we exchange D this week that "I have plans to take D for waterpark for two days to a city nearby and would like to leave early after her birthday celebration with us, so we need to start early that morning and finish by lunch, so that me and D can leave"

Also, we are having no communication other than about our D through texts and no verbal exchanges during D exchange . I am not very keen on being with her for that long in the zoo but would do it for my D. Not sure how should I be during that time and....
Should I initiate any conversation?
If she talks about things, what should I do?
How to deal with awkward silence which I am sure will be there for most part?

Thanks again for all your inputs and looking forward to having your words and guidance.