OM Backed Out

[JujuB]

I’m in the same boat as tad. I know that being angry is bad for me. That anger is bad for my body and soul. But I can’t help it. I am not at that state of indifference. I don’t feel like it’s a conscious choice to be angry. Maybe there is consciousness in saying “hey think of something else. these thoughts are bothering you” but my ex”s actions really made my current life difficult. Every day, I’m confronted with it because of my son and financial situation. And when he shows up late in his black Mercedes with red interior it’s just a huge slap in the face of all that missing money. And the way I contributed in our relationship and thus lost my money to him.

I try so hard to raise my son to be a kind hearted and responsible member of society. But then I think, hey maybe I am doing him a disservice by doing so. It’s the responsible and loyal people that get screwed in the end.

It might just be a time issue. Post traumatic stress is a factor. Betrayal and financial rape is pretty traumatic.
Or perhaps it’s the current state of our lives. Or maybe becoming more zen like and learning to accept and be appreciative of our current states. I don’t know the answer, only that it’s easy to logically understand letting go of anger but hard to actually do so.

[joejoe1]

Tad,

I heard what I believe to be a great statement on a YouTube Video one day and it helped me. "Forgiveness is giving up the ability to trying to change the past."

I hope that helps some.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Ginger 1, DnJ, JujuB and joejoe1.

^^^ Lots of similarities in those user names. ^^^



Honestly, I think forgiveness is condoning. It's probably not, but that is just the way I feel. That's the way I've always felt.

I do think it is a choice. I'd like to hear your thoughts DnJ. Fire away.

Maybe it would be an easier "choice" to forgive with an apology. (I know, I'll most likely never get one.)

Yes Ginger1, she does still have a grip on my emotions...not like before and not always, but sometimes something will trigger the emotions.

Nice quote joejoe1. I'll let that sink in.

JujuB, I wouldn't say that I was necessarily angry....maybe disappointed, bitter, disgusted....not sure, but not really angry...not anymore anyways. And yes, her actions did make my life totally different from what I had planned and very difficult for a long time. Thankfully, things are better now. Not where I want to be, but I'll take it. Having said that, I do enjoy being single, but I do see what you are saying.

I sometimes think that maybe this is just what life is or what it is supposed to be - heartache, stress, worry, pain....I'm sure everyone has it to some extent. We are just the ones that happened to get our hearts broken. Stupid thought maybe, but that's how I feel sometimes.

I received a wonderful compliment from a lady friend/coworker yesterday. She said:

"You could be married right now if you really wanted to be. You're on point with so many things and have so many wonderful qualities Darrin."

Wow.

Funny thing is, I have absolutely no desire for marriage or even a relationship right now. As I've said, I just can't imagine ever having feelings for someone the way I felt towards XW. Maybe it will change, but if it doesn't, that's okay. Anyways, I thanked my friend. It was one of the nicest compliments that I've received in a very long time.

With the exception of triggers every now and then and getting fired up at the thought of meeting OM, I'm in a decent place. I spend a lot of time in nature and taking pictures. It's what I enjoy and do it whenever I can. They say that the MLCer becomes the exact opposite of what they used to be. Well, I think the same can be said for us too after we travel this road we are on. I used to be a pretty famous local radio celebrity who could be at a party every night if I wanted to be. Now, not so much. No thanks. I'm happy taking my pictures and being alone - the opposite of what I used to be, but....

I'm okay.

Tad

[exquisitetobe]

Yes, we changed.

My fear is to be replace. I see OW as a competition. A woman who wants my life.
That is what OW1 wanted. A good family man, a good husband and father. She told my kids she loved them after spending 2 days with them. She even cut my youngest hair. I was furious.
Unfortunately, by seducing ex-h and destroying his family, she got an empty shell of a man and realised he was not who she thought and dumped him.
For obvious reasons, i did not see my ex-h as this wonderful husband and father anymore either. Never have since. All OWs are people i do NOT want to hear about They are not part of my life. I don' t want to have anything to do with any of them.

When i get rapped up with the past, i use a phrase he used on me: " There is more to life then this."

My fear is unjustable. I am obviously replaceable as a wife but i will never be a replaceable mom.
I do feel not good enough sometimes. I do think maybe the kids would have done more and had more things if they were with them. Then i hear a comment ex-h said or something he did and i it is enough for me to know thiings are right just as they are.
I do my best. I pray for help and guidance. I am bless with 4 amazing children and i love my life as it is.

Tad, i have followed you for years and i agree with your co-worker. You are an awesome guy!

In reference to loving someone else has you loved your wife... Is it possible to love again. Yes.
Is it easy... No Can it be strong and deep. Absolutely
For me, It is when i try to open my family life to a man that i back off. It feels wrong to me still.
Maybe because i still have children at home?
For you, i beleive you could. You just have to open your heart and let someone in. If you chose to.

[Gerda]

I said it before and I will say it again --

Your undying love is a triumph. It is the definition of love. It almost doesn't matter what she did with it, that only makes it more beautiful.

You did not waste any time. Quite the opposite. You gave your heart to someone for life. And if you are a man who is capable of giving that kind of love, I am sorry to say that it is impossible to stop giving it just because she stopped taking it, stomped on it, went crazy and stopped seeing the reality of it, etc.

If she never wakes up and/or if you do ever decide to love someone new, the years you spent staying true to the love you gave will only make you a more wonderful catch.

As a woman, when I read that you are still suffering, I think more of you. Sometimes I read on these boards about guys moving on quickly and it breaks my heart, as if they are moving on from ME. It throws my whole vision of love into doubt. What you say restores what I believe of love.

It would all be easier for you to see it as a beautiful thing if you had faith! It's what you DO with your love and how you give it that gives your life meaning, not what you get from it.

But take it from one long-suffering love-giver to another -- I get it. It hurts like h%ll and mostly it seems like it would be so much better to just harden the heart forever and not feel those feelings anymore.

Radio, huh? I do V/O myself. Get the heck back out there and start talking into a microphone. Do it in another town where no one knows you, or start auditioning on voices.com. Just to do it, even if you don't get work. Getting back into V/O after BD has given me so much fun in my life, so much energy and a channel for those feelings. It restored my confidence and let me be really social. If nothing else, volunteer for Librivox. USE YOUR GIFTS, they were given to you and they will give back to you.

(((TAD)))))

[tadpole1025]

Thank you for the response exquisitetobe and Gerda and thank you for the very nice words.

My fear is to be replaced. I see OW as a competition. A woman who wants my life.

^^ That is interesting. I never feared being replaced, but my XW DID. She was the one who dropped the bomb and cheated yet she was the one that feared being replaced. Shortly, after XW left, I started talking to a woman. (Let me just say, I shouldn't have been. I was nowhere near ready for any type of relationship.) It was just a friend type thing for a while...someone to talk to. On more than one occasion, XW would text something like: "Please don't let her replace me."

???

You did not waste any time. Quite the opposite. You gave your heart to someone for life.

Thank you Gerda. I actually told her many times in the past that I married her for life. Apparently, she didn't marry me for life. Haha. Somewhere down the road, if love happens for me again, I'll accept it and be happy about it, but I'm okay if it doesn't.

Sometimes I read on these boards about guys moving on quickly and it breaks my heart, as if they are moving on from ME. It throws my whole vision of love into doubt. What you say restores what I believe of love.

Thank you. I too have seen some that have moved on rather quickly on this board. On the other hand, I have often thought that I moved too slowly. Especially in the beginning, way back in 2011. I was stuck for a long time. I received a lot of 2X4's in the beginning. I was the 2X4 world champion.

Radio, huh? I do V/O myself. Get the heck back out there and start talking into a microphone. Do it in another town where no one knows you, or start auditioning on voices.com.

Haha. Nah. I had a wonderful career in radio and was very successful. But...23 years was enough for me. I got everything I wanted from it. I always wanted to be the number 1 disc jockey in my home town and I was number 1 a lot. I was nominated for CMA awards. I went out on top. Just like I wanted. When I lost my last radio job, I told myself that I was done. I've had offers to return, but turned them down. I like being normal. Being a celebrity was nice sometimes and had advantages, but it's not all it's cracked up to be. There were times that I would be out to dinner with XW or grocery shopping and I'd get recognized. (I STILL do sometimes.) It was flattering, but it got old real quick. XW hated it and I can see why. As for voice overs, I had a home studio at one point, but gave all the equipment to my son for his band. I will still do some V/O from time to time if asked by a friend in a pinch, but for the most part, I'm retired from the radio. Now I'm behind the scenes in TV and I like it. I have been considering taking a photography class though.



Again, thanks for the responses.

Tad

[DnJ]

Hello Tad

Forgiveness is a topic near and dear to me. Forgiveness is so very much for the forgiver.

What is forgiveness? Answers usually bring about more description of what it is not. We seem to know what is non-forgiveness. Things like - forgiveness is not vengeful, not hating, not seek retribution, etc... So forgiveness is just the opposite of non-forgiveness. Ah, it’s never that easy is it?

We wrap up condoning, acceptance, absolution, pardoning, and so on within the thought of forgiveness and it become a very large idea to either accept or deny, to have or have not.

My view of this is more like detachment or indifference; it is something you work towards in small steps. But what are we working towards?

Forgiveness is born out of understanding, compassion, kindness, and empathy. So forgiveness is those kind attributes. As it grows it expands to include clemency, mercy, and if it progresses enough perhaps even condoning and absolution.

Forgiveness is a feeling. Forgiveness is a thought. More than anything forgiveness is a choice and a belief. It is a core conviction, a value, a deep belief.

We all have an idea of what forgiveness looks like. I believe the real question isn’t - What is forgiveness. It is - How do I find forgiveness.

Just like detachment, indifference, fear, letting go, and so on - we need to learn about forgiveness. What it is, and how to achieve it.

Our world doesn’t generally support, encourage, or reinforce forgiveness. Just watch the news, listen to people talk about crime or some such thing. It is everywhere, judgemental attitudes, condemning viewpoints, lots of misunderstanding or outright non understanding, all pushing for penalties and punishment - very little compassion for our fellow man. Very little forgiveness.

This view is pervasive and unfortunately widely held. I was also one of the many, I am happy to now be one of the few.

So how do we find forgiveness?

Thoughts, feeling, beliefs - choice.

As others have said, we intellectually know forgiveness is a good thing for us. Something we want. But our feelings are different and we can’t get there.

Be accurate in thought and heart. Can’t - makes something impossible - it cannot be done. If we say, I can’t do that, you won’t be able to, your mind will make that real. Your mind is listening to you. Can’t, can, do, don’t, will, won’t, try, and such, all have an affect. These little effects add up, both positively and negatively and will affect one’s viewpoint and abilities. The power of positive or negative thinking is quite amazing, and underestimated.

The feelings that run counter to forgiveness. Just like fear, they are irrationally based, not reasoned or logical. One needs to stop feeding them, uncouple them, and acknowledge and accept them.

So we have a choice. Do you want forgiveness? Is that something you are heading towards? Is that something you choose?

We can only control ourselves, and that is our thoughts. Feelings are born from our subconscious and we have no direct control; we can only influence our emotions. Our beliefs are both thought and emotion, very deep, and slow to alter or change; again beyond the reach of our conscious control.

So, the intellectual path. We create and focus on forgiving thoughts. We know them, we know there are good for us. Be kind, compassionate, caring, understanding - in short forgiving. These thoughts change our feelings. Theses thoughts and feelings change our beliefs. This takes time, focus, and mental assertiveness.

Forgiveness is a choice, a belief, a way of looking at life. It is so much worth the effort. And so very much for you.

Forgiveness at first is a strange and unknown place. We are all comfortable in our equilibriums. No one want to push out of their comfort zone. Holding grudges, thinking vindictively, waiting for an apology, etc... - all comfortable. Push past all that and take a leap of faith.

I was looking up my past posts and ran across something I told, and still tell myself.

When it is all boiled down, it doesn’t matter what happened, how much at fault your spouse is, how unfair it all is, how much of a victim you are - it doesn’t matter. It is your life take control and ownership of it. Quit blaming anyone or anything else. Live it well and live it full. Be compassionate, loving, and forgiving. Be open, honest, loyal, and sincere. Be the best you will be. Time is marching on, start today, start right now.

It’s your choice.

- - - -

They say that forgiveness is for us but, I can't do that yet either. I don't want to live the rest of my life being bitter, but can't forgive just yet.

The thing that bothers me an awful lot sometimes is the time that has gone by. This all started two weeks before my 43rd birthday. I'll be 52 in October. THAT bugs me. I feel like so much time has been wasted. I realize that I moved a little slower than others on this site and it took a lot of time for me to get where I'm at now, but I sometimes feel that I wasted so much time on HER.

That makes me angry at myself.

Be accurate with your use of can’t.

Tad, the hard thing I found about forgiving - was forgiving me!

Forgiving ourselves is so very difficult. We blame ourself, we judge, we feel bad, we... well the list is long. It’s weird, we are the one forgiving and the one being forgiven. We can see both sides and yet we still have problems, we still can/t won’t do it.

I think you would agree, it is irrational. Non-forgiveness is irrational. Our feelings and fears hold us back. We need to work through them and accept them. Acceptance is just emotional understanding. So how?

Your statement - “I feel like so much time has been wasted”. It is a feeling. What do you think about these years?

Looking intellectually I am sure you can see how much you have accomplished. The joy and pleasure of investing in years of photography. The distance you have come, the healing you have done, the man you have become - not a wasted effort or time!!!

These thoughts will stop feeding those feelings. Feeling are fleeting, when and if we let them flit away. See the thoughts and the truth about the years. Accept and let go the old feelings and welcome the new. Bring this into yourself, and believe in it and you.

See the truth and forgive yourself for the time it has taken to get here. Your journey is well worth it. The time well invested. The man, Tad, deserves forgiving.

Forgiveness is very near and dear to me. It is a choice, a belief, and a path of small steps. A path you are much further along than you may realize. A path I would be happy to walk with you.

DnJ

[tadpole1025]

Soooo much here.

I'll have to read it again when I get a chance. (I'm at work.)

Honestly, I probably could forgive her. I just don't know if I want to. See, I believe that forgiving her lets her off the hook. (I know, that's the wrong way to think.)

But, I also know that forgiving her matters zero to her or anybody else. It only matters to me.

More work to be done.

As for my journey, I love who I am today. I'm far from the person I was when I came here in 2011. And for that, I'm thankful.

Tad

[DnJ]

Good Morning Tad

Just a quick thing. I know wrote a lot, and don’t want to jump all over this.

Honestly, I probably could forgive her. I just don't know if I want to. See, I believe that forgiving her lets her off the hook. (I know, that's the wrong way to think.)

That is not the wrong way to think. It is the right way.

Forgiving her of course will let her off the hook - a bit at first and then more and more. She won’t even know when you have let her off the hook. Thoughts become feelings then become beliefs.

Ask yourself this: Is the other choice better? Do you want to keep her on the hook? Never let her off of that?

Please read your statement with just a few clarifications.

Honestly, I probably could forgive her. I just don't know if I want to.

There it is, laid bare.

Is that you?

Is that who you want to be?

Forgiveness is for you.

Honestly, I can forgive her. I want to.

Say that a few times. I believe that fits you much better Tad.

I have wrote a lot, and as you said you need to read it again, which is wonderful - glad when my writings are not just dismissed.

Please fire away Tad with any feedback or follow up.

Hope you have a good day at work.

DnJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks DnJ.

Sorry took so long to respond. I've been pretty busy.

I really don't have anything to add at the moment. I just didn't want you to think that I was ignoring you.

As I said, I may forgive someday and I feel I am getting closer to it.

Know what today is? It is her wedding anniversary to OM. I shouldn't know that, but I do.

Tad